Under the summer rain, I burnt away,
Under the summer rain, (Burn!) You turned away.
This is the fall; this is the long way down,
And our lives look smaller now, and our lives look so small,
(Leave me here crying)
~ AFI Summer Shudder
I stood in the rain that night. Watching as it glinted like so many diamonds all around us. She was beautiful in the fractured light. A kaleidoscope of not just colors, but sounds, and emotions, and everything I had built up inside of me that I couldn't keep in any longer.
Without warning, she turned and started walking away. With every step I just saw my world get smaller. Saw it shrink down to this one moment, this one finite second that would define the rest of my existence.
"Wait!" I called out and held my breath as she stopped but stayed facing from me.
Her voice was broken as she asked, "What Spencer? What more do you want? Aiden can give me money, and respect, and a life I deserve." When she did turn, it was with a look of frustration and sorrow. "What can you give me Spencer? Huh? Can you give me all those things? No." She scoffed before continuing. "You can't. You can't give me any of that."
She turned to leave again but my voice stopped her cold.
"I'll buy you with box tops!" Brown eyes cut into me with a look of such incredulity I had no choice but to continue. "Cocoa Puffs, Fruit Loops, Rice Krispies, whatever you want. I'll send in a million of them. Because you're that prize. You're that amazing prize that everyone wants but no one ever has the patience to save for."
I paused to swallow past the lump in my throat. I had to keep going, even if I lost, even if I failed I would know I had done all I could.
"I can't give you all the money like Aiden can. I can't put a fancy diamond on your finger." I stopped again and almost didn't continue as I thought of all the things that Aiden could give her, the life she'd never have with me. I couldn't stop though, she had to know everything or all we had been through would mean nothing.
"I can't give you the world, but I can give you my world. I can give you rainy Sunday mornings under a flannel blanket as we read the paper and drink coffee from chipped mugs with memories embedded in the ceramic. I can give you Tuesdays at Royal's with lukewarm beer and stale pretzels and a floor you stick to because they never mop near the rail."
I took a step closer as my hands twisted around themselves. I could see her shivering, whether from the cold or the emotions I knew were roiling beneath the surface I wasn't sure.
"I can give you Wednesdays in the park, with hotdogs that make you question your faith in humanity, but you eat them anyway because it makes for the kind of memory you never lose. I can give you Friday nights at Chelsea's gallery, looking at art I don't understand and quite frankly freaks me out a little."
I can't help the small grin as I see her shoulders shake slightly with mirth because she really does know how much Chelsea's work confuses me.
"When you sing, I can give you that one person in the audience that knows you better than anyone; that one person who hears all the things you never say; never put to music because then the world would know that Ashley Davies is unfinished. That you're marred and scratched in beautiful ways they can't begin to conceptualize."
Stepping closer to her I took her hands and my breath caught when she looked me in the eye. I see it, I saw the truth as it stretched across the light years of doubt in her mind. For a second my hope soared, for just one second I was the maker of my destiny. Then, the moment faded. The light dimmed and all I was left with was the afterburn of misplaced hope.
"I'm sorry Spencer, I just can't. It's- it's just not enough." She was already gone before she let go of my hands and my world imploded before she left me standing in the rain.