DISCLAIMER: Don't own nobody, y'hear? Don't y'all sue me, now!

NOTE: Yeah, I know this plotline's been overused so much it's boring already, but I couldn't resist. It's required, I think, for every fanfiction author to write a typical story. So here's mine. A Remus/Lily body!switch humour. [I am not British, by the way. Just wish I was.]

Chapter 1: Suggestions

"Professor McGonagall, you can't be serious."

No, I heard my inner Sirius shout inside my head. I am!

I shook my head to get rid of the grinning Sirius and tried to focus on what Professor McGonagall had just suggested. It seemed impossible. Improbable. In fact, I wasn't entirely sure it was legal.

Next to me, Lily Evans, Hogwarts Head Girl, was sitting forward in her chair and gaping at the Deputy Headmistress. Professor McGonagall herself wore the same severe expression as usually graced her features, but I could swear there was something of a smirk on her lips.

"I assure you I am, Miss Evans," she said, addressing Lily. "It is one of Hogwarts' oldest traditions, dating back nearly five hundred years. Now," she leaned toward us slightly, lips at their thinnest. "I have seen many, many Heads go through this before, and I can tell you with absolute confidence that every one of them benefited tremendously from this experience."

"But—but—" Lily seemed at a loss for words.

"Professor," I spoke up, "how exactly is this supposed to work? Is it just a long-lasting Polyjuice potion?" Despite the calmness of my words, inside my mind was still reeling.

Well, to be honest, anyone's would be.

Professor McGonagall had just revealed—quite matter-of-factly, mind you—that as Head Boy and Girl of Hogwarts, Lily and I had to switch bodies. Apparently every Head Boy and Girl had to do it. It was required.

The whole thing was just perverse.

"Not exactly, Mr Lupin." With a start, I realised that McGonagall was answering my question. "Your bodies will not actually change to mimic the other's, as Polyjuice Potion will do. Rather, you, as individuals and personalities, will be switched into the other's body." She stared at us over her sharp rectangular glasses. "Understand?"

I nodded mutely, while Lily just sat looking helpless and slightly sick.

"Now," McGonagall continued. "There is one major condition: no one but you two (and myself, naturally) must know about this. Not even your closest friends." At those last words she looked at me. "Not even the infamous Marauders, Mr Lupin."

I heard the tiny bubble of optimism inside me pop with a dejected sort of sound. There was no way, no way that Lily would be able to pull me off well enough to convince James and Sirius and Peter. They knew all my quirks and, to be honest, I'd always had a vague suspicion that Sirius had some sort of telepathic power that enabled him to read my mind and predict my every move. Lily Evans did not know my every move. Sirius Black would sniff her out like the dog he was.

At that point, I failed to fully register the other problem, the much bigger problem, the problem that involved me turning into a horrible bloodthirsty beast once a month.

We'll be back in our own bodies by then, my horribly insensible common sense told me slyly. No need to tell her about it.

"Yes, Professor," my mouth spewed.

Lily Evans was starting to look very depressed, and I tried my hand at a joke. Something to cheer her up.

"Come on, Lily," I said. "Will it really be that horrible, being me? It might be fun!"

Lily balked at me. I balked at myself. Fun?! How in Hell and Heaven's name could this possibly be fun? I was going to be trapped inside the body of a female—and not like that, but in the terrible way that would require me to be an actual living, breathing, menstruating, hormonal teenage girl for an entire week and a half.

I nearly gagged.

Professor McGonagall summoned two small vials from a nearby shelf and handed them to us.

"Drink this before going to bed tonight," she said. "It should be in full effect by morning."

I nodded again, and slipped the vial into my shirt's chest pocket. Lily kept it clenched in a tight fist. Her head was nodding, but her face looked as though she disagreed with its frivolous movement.

"Good night," said Professor McGonagall, and now there was no denying it—there was a definite smirk on her face. "And, please," she added as we stood up to leave. "Be responsible."

Lily took a deep breath.

"So," she managed.

I swallowed.

"So," I agreed.

She said nothing more, and I decided I should be the man in the situation. After all, soon I would be a man only in my memories.

"Are you, you know, okay with this? Lily?" I asked. "It does seem kind of—"

"No," Lily interrupted, and at first I thought it was in response to my question. "No," she repeated. "I'm fine. We have to do this, Professor McGonagall said. Otherwise we can't be...." The sentence ended in a nervous gulp.

"Right."

We were standing in the Gryffindor Tower common room, each at the foot of our respective dormitory staircases, each holding the vials Professor McGonagall had given us.

"Sorry about this, Lily," I said, though I had no idea how it was my fault.

"It's not your fault," she said, and smiled. It appeared to be genuine. "Well, bottom's up, eh?"

I grinned—mine wasn't genuine—and downed the vial. It had no taste, but a rather odd texture—like swallowing congealing lard through a small straw. Then it was all over and Lily and I were left standing, staring at each other with goofy grins on our faces.

"Good night, Remus," she said. "I suppose I'll be seeing rather a lot of you tomorrow." And with a saucy wink, she disappeared up the stairs.

That Lily Evans, I said to myself, knowing my brain was just trying to be kind and distract me from the horrific situation I was about to be enveloped in. Always full of surprises.

With legs full of lead I trudged up the stairs to the dormitory, dreading what tomorrow would bring.

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