Reflections of an Angel

by R J Blackstone

Just as the title suggests. Angel sits alone in his office and thinks about the things that he has lost and if it has all been worth it. Why him and the paths that he has taken in life.

Reflections of an Angel - R J Blackstone

I have been running Wolfram & Hart for a while now. Every now and then I have to sit down and think about the things that have taken place since my move to Los Angeles and all the actions that I have taken to get me where I am at today. There are so many things that brought me here; my life has changed so much this century ever since I met Buffy and got gained control over myself. I have to ask myself, how much can a man take? I mean albeit I may not be a man, I am a vampire with a soul. Actually I'm a dead vampire, but I have a soul right? I've had it for a good while now, every now and then I seem to lose it but I'm getting pretty good at getting it back., its just the horrible things that I do when I don't have my soul that I can never forgive myself for and I wonder if anyone else has ever truly forgiven me for those horrible things. I wonder if my friends actually view Angelus as a totally different person than me or if they just view him as a dark side of me that they have responsibility to control. I don't even deserve to still be here after the horrible acts that I have done, sometimes I wonder if the world would just be better off without me. It certainly would be better off without my dark half, and my presence always comes with the warning of my dark half ready to burst out at the first chance.

I try to commit as many good acts as possible to make up for my sins in the past but there is still always the possibility that I could somehow lose my soul again and start right back from where I left off. All the prophecies seem to always have something to say about me, everyone has me saving the world or just being a big part in in the end of the world. They can never decide if Im going to be a good player or an evil payer in the end, I know that I will strive to be a good player in everything I do though. I don't really believe in all the prophecies because I have seen so many proved wrong, that's why I just can't put my whole heart into the one about the vampire with a soul becoming human. I done really care if the prophecy about the vampire with a soul is about me or spike as long as it helps out the world in the end. Of course I would like to become a human and give up this life of torment and endless retribution but then who would be left to be a champion for the world? I have this tough exterior I know but everything hurts so much no matter how hard I try to hide it from everyone else. That's why I am always so quiet and keep to myself, I don't want everyone to see me for all the pain that I hold inside. I'm over 200 years old, how much must I lose before I have paid for what I have done? Must I lose forever?

Everything I get I lose somehow, no matter how hard I try to hold on to the things that I love they will always leave me. Something always gets in the way of everything in my life. Sometimes it's Wolfram & Hart, the powers that be, just for the most part evil things that I can't control no matter how much time I put in to trying to control them. I can't hold on to anything worth holding on to. I know I'm doing the right thing by helping people. I need to make amends for all the horrible things I did in the past even if it won't atone for my sins. My losses still hurt though. Every loss hurts deeper than the last; such is the curse of immortality.

I lost Doyle. He was a good man, a great friend. I should have done more to save him, I think I could have done more. It really hurt me, hurt Cordelia too. He was gifted with great powers of vision from the powers that be and seemed to be truly dedicated to our cause, he guided back down the right path and is a big reason that I am at where I am today. I'm glad that he was able to pass on those powers; the power helped us stop so much harm from coming about. I should have done more though. I should always do more no matter what the personal costs to me, it is my responsibility to atone for my sins by doing everything that I possibly can to do more. Cordelia was amazing with the sight even though it was what really killed her, part demon are not it was a lot for her to handle. When she gave me the last vision of all the players in the circle of the thorn I was really able to see all the pain she had suffered while holding the responsibility of the sight an her shoulders all that time.

I lost my son. I loved him. All I wanted to do was raise him, teach him to be a good man. I never thought once that I could have a real family again, the only family I ever had I killed when I first became a vampire all those years ago. I wanted him to be a better man than me in all aspects, which isn't saying much. He would have been had I been able to keep him and raise him like I planned. Just like always though somebody has to get in my way. Losing my son was the most painful thing I ever felt since the loss of my family hit me when I got my soul back, more painful than the remorse for all the murders I committed in the past. I was so mad at Wesley for kidnapping my son that I wanted to kill him. I never thought that I could ever forgive Wesley no matter what he did to redeem himself. I would do anything to reverse all that happened and have the chance to have him back as a baby again, so I could raise him right. This way I could actually raise him like I had planned, it was a miracle that he was even born in the first place and I will never get a chance like that again as long as I live my tortured life I will have to remember what I lost out on. What's done is done though. He grew up to be a strong man though. He was fast and very powerful. He just didn't always make the best decisions and you can really blame that on him because its not like he was raised in any way that you could possibly call normal at all, no child should have to go through what he did, no matter whether he was the child of two vampires or not.

I don't know what to think about Cordeilla more times than not. I began to like her and maybe even love her, but I knew that I couldn't have her because of my curse. I really care about her very much; she has done so much to help me that I could never repay her. She put her dreams of acting and fame on hold so that she could do the greater good by helping me save people's lives. The burden of carrying the visions was also something that really wasn't her responsibility and I feel bad that she ever had to carry a burden so troublesome. She has proven without a doubt though that she has strong enough shoulders to carry almost any burden. Cordeilla is one of the strongest women I have ever met. Who am I kidding? I loved her with all of my dead heart. What we had was amazing, It wasn't the eternal love that I shared with Buffy but it was a love of companionship and caring that I had never felt before. She was my guiding light amidst the darkness. Losing her was too much to handle at times and at other times I don't know what to think. How often does the woman you love get pregnant by your own son? I shouldn't even think about that, that whole time and situation was horrible. It did show me that Skip was evil though, that's funny because I was starting to really like him a lot.

Fred's a great girl too. It was funny watching Wesley and Gunn competing for her. She's worth the competition, anyone who could survive as long as she did in a hell dimension is. She is definitely important to our cause now, more important than I could have ever imagined. It's about time we added some brains to this operation I guess and who better to get the job. IT was a great loss to have her changed into an ancient god but the muscle added to our group was a good addition and I was amazed that Gunn was able to take her place intellectually.

I lost Buffy; still think about it every day. I loved her so much. She was my true love. Kind of crazy I guess a vampire and a slayer in love. Seems to me I can't keep any type of relationship going anyways. If only things were different. Kind of pisses me off that Spike fell in love with her too. I can still see it in his eyes when someone mentions her name. How could Spike not fall in love with her though? She is strong and beautiful, she holds so many burdens on her shoulders and she still finds time to deal with everyday life. Now just like Cordeilla is one of the strongest women I have ever met, Buffy is the strongest woman I have ever met and will most likely be the strongest woman I will ever meet. I could never comprehend the strength of will it takes to be the slayer. I'd still go back to her right now if I had the chance. It's too much to experience the one true moment of happiness though. I can't risk losing my soul again. I remember she told me once right before Sunnydale got destroyed that she sometimes thinks to the future, about her having children and settling down with the right person. I wonder what she thinks about all that now that she is no longer the only slayer, because before I remember her saying that she is destined to be alone because it's a slayers destiny to always be alone. That's something I may have to talk to her about next time I see her. Maybe it wont work but its always worth a try. There are days I sit around trying to figure out a way to make it work. I mean it's over, there not a chance of it happening. That's why I left right? That's why I'm here in Los Angeles now. Maybe if the prophecy about the vampire with a soul is true and I do get to become a human than I will be able to join her again and we could live our lives together like normal people, I doubt it.

Really can't believe I'm the CEO of Wolfram & Hart now. Things here get pretty crazy. They always say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That's pretty much what this is all about. I know they are doing exactly that with me by keeping close so the senior partners have a close eye on me but how can I turn down all these resources they have given me? I have done more good here in such a small amount of time then I ever did at Angel investigations. Had to take this chance, too much good that I can do through Wolfram & Hart that I couldn't pass up the opportunity. Never thought things would turn out this way though. No one could have predicted that things would be this way. So much change came from it and I can't be sure if it's all good though. I think the funniest thing is all the change that happened to Gun. He reminds me of Johnny Cochran now, except he adds a little street gangster twist to the whole lawyer thing. Gun's definitely one lawyer the people shouldn't cross. I remember back when he had his vampire slaying thug gang. There really was never anything quite like them before, that's what brought my attention to him. Gunn definitely shares the passion that I have for stopping evil, that's why I always came back for his help and eventually asked him to join me.

Wasn't too long ago I was in a back alley feeding off rats. Now I have a whole corporation at my disposal. I mean it's crazy; I have my own freaking swat team. All of this just for me because I'm a vampire with a soul, it's not like I'm the only one though. I mean Spikes new to it and all but he has one too now. Never though Spike would get a soul, he recovered from in pretty quick too. With him recovering so quick from it I got to wonder where I went wrong with the whole thing. Hey, at least I don't have Andrew running around saying that I'm his Frodo. Spike thinks he's so big and bad, that boys got more drama then I could ever imagine. If you ask me he's a little on the feminine side but I guess that's the British in him. I guess it's ok to have him around, it does take a little of the whole vampire with a soul attention off me. Spike and I make a pretty good team though, I wouldn't mess with two vampires with our experience, and we probably saved the world five or six times between the both of us. Saving the world isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. I'm not saying I like having him around; as a matter of fact I don't like having him around. Yet he does have a soul now and it seems like at least he's trying to do the right thing for the world. I just will always hold resentment at the way he got his soul back. I mean he didn't have to suffer the way I did. I'm not saying his crimes were worse than mine but I had to wallow in the pain of my crimes for almost a century and they still burn me today, but it seems as if it hardly even affected him. It was like Spike got a free pass, how is that fair?

I don't know; maybe the losing will never stop. I mean I do good things for the world, I know I do. The big things and the little things get done. I saved the world a couple of times, solved murders, stopped demons, and even helped Faith get her life back on track. I do what I do best. Maybe one day the loss will stop, maybe one day I'll get turned human or something, Maybe. Maybe the prophecies are true. Maybe not.