Sins
I can't save your life;
Though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting…
I'm losing my mind
And you just stand there and stare as my world divides…
Snow White Queen - Evanescence
All was enveloped in a thick blanket of grey as storm clouds billowed over the skyscrapers of Tokyo. Rain slanted harshly against the rooftops, adding to the grey vale that shrouded the city in a dull miasma. Grey was such a subjective color. It could be beautiful in its own right, silver when polished to a gleaming sheen. It could be the soft greys of fog, a swirl of cloud. It could be dark, impenetrable, and it could be the dull grey of dusty, forgotten memories.
But what grey symbolized was uncertainty. Black was black, white was white. But in between these two were infinite shades of grey. Where did the grey end, and where did the true color begin? In reality, almost any colors, when enough were mixed together, could form a type of grey. So how did one differentiate one color of grey from another? How did one tell which greys were better, prettier, or more… good?
Justice was white, pure and uncorrupted. Evil was black, a little bit of everything darkening it to where no one could see the light. Abstract though these concepts were, they were universally understood, concrete in the symbolic sense. But where did the greys fall, neither Justice nor Evil? How did one judge if some were more righteous or villainous than others? What was the standard?
L stood in the pouring rain, gazing up into the misty sky and wondering what color grey he would find if he could look at his own soul. He stood for Justice, yes, that purest of all whites, but no human was absolute. He had done his best, but in the end had done some truly terrible things, in the name of that white which he stood for. Would he be closer to the black than he would like to admit?
But the most important thing was that his shade of grey remains lighter than Light Yagami's. The teenager was a killer, murdering criminals around the world with no thought and no remorse. The only thing that kept him from being black instead of grey was the fact that Kira and Light Yagami were two separate people. L knew that Light was in there somewhere; that the Light who had become his friend while they were chained together wasn't gone for good.
L sank to his knees, feeling tears slipping from his eyes even though the rain that ran down his face and hair. Could Light not see how much it hurt to be forced to accuse him again and again? L had seen the honesty in Light Yagami's eyes, but now that Kira had returned, there was nothing but a shield, up to prevent L's every attempt to find the real Light again. It was painful, knowing that he was going to have to sentence his only friend to death. But you couldn't save one part of someone's personality and kill the other. It didn't work like that. Couldn't Light see how this was ripping his heart in two?
He stood back up, looking into the grey distance. But instead of the endless rainy mist, he could see stained glass, colored and beautiful. And if he listened hard enough, he fancied he could hear the bells, ringing as if just for him.
xXx
Light Yagami didn't know why he was looking for L. It wasn't really his business if L wasn't working on the case at that moment. Any time that the detective spent away from the investigation room was time that Light didn't have to worry about being chased and hounded for being Kira.
He wandered up to the roof, hoping that L wasn't so foolish as to be out there during this horrible rain storm, but his hopes were dashed when he caught sight of the pale figure staring up into the sky. L was drenched, but seemed to be paying it little mind.
There was something about the slender detective that fascinated Light. It was as if he were a puzzle box, hiding some sort of spectacular treasure if only someone could get him open. Light wanted to see real emotion in those endless eyes. He had imagined, before, what L would look like when he died; imagined the flicker of fear he thought would pass through that ebony gaze. It was likely that L would deny him, though. He would face death as impassively as he did everything else, leaving Light to endlessly wonder if he had been afraid to die.
He watched L for a moment, wondering what the detective was thinking about. L… was his friend, in spite of everything. Part of him certainly wanted the skinny insomniac dead, but there was another part that wanted to walk out into the rain and ask him what was wrong. Offer him comfort, if he needed it.
"What are you doing out here by yourself?" Light called into the rain. L looked down, glancing over at him, his eyes sad. He tilted his head questioningly and tapped his ear with one finger, indicating that he couldn't hear over the thunderous drops. Light frowned slightly before venturing out into the downpour, making his way carefully to L's side. "What are you doing, L?"
"Nothing, Light-kun." L murmured. "I am listening to the bells."
Light blinked, listening intently for a second before saying, "I don't hear anything."
L turned completely to face him, looking vaguely surprised. "But they're so loud… I suppose I should have expected that they were for me alone. Maybe they're ringing for…" But he trailed off, and Light sighed.
"You're rambling. Come on, lets go in before we catch cold."
L seemed to shrink a bit, looking at the ground. "I say such ridiculous things sometimes. I guess it's no wonder why you don't listen to any of them."
"If I listened to everything you said, and took it all seriously, I'd have gone mad by now." Light said gently. L seemed fragile, breakable, in that moment. Light wondered if he would get to see L shatter.
L shivered slightly in the chilly rain. "Are you lying to me, Light-kun?"
Light was taken aback. "About what?"
"Anything. Everything." L murmured. "Kira has stolen Light away from me again; that is what I believe." He looked away, but Light saw tracks of water on his face that weren't coming from the sky.
"L…" He reached out to touch L on the shoulder, but L shied away from his touch. "L, please… What's wrong? Tell me why you're crying."
"I'm not crying, Light-kun." L mumbled, though it was obvious from his voice. "It's just the rain." He wanted to believe that he was speaking to Light Yagami, but he just couldn't. Kira stood before him now, with murder in his heart. He glanced over his shoulder, seeing Light with a conflicted expression on his face, then was quite astonished as Light looped his arms around him from behind, hugging him close. L slumped against Light, looking at the ground again. Why did this boy do everything possible to make him unsure? Why did this embrace seem like such a warm and tender trap? Kira wouldn't hold him like this. Never. So did that mean…?
"L, you're hurting." Light said. "Tell me what the matter is."
He was too close. L couldn't think straight. But maybe that was Kira's plan all along. "You're the matter. You've always been the matter. Justice doesn't need emotions, but I can't…"
Light was surprised. After so long of knowing the detective, here was proof that L was truly human; that the warm body in his arms wasn't just some sort of android or robot or alien, but a living, breathing human who could feel pain and sadness just like everyone else. He held on a little tighter, and said quietly, just loud enough to be heard over the rain, "It's okay, L. Justice is an ideal, but you're human. You have the right to hurt and feel."
L fought his way out of Light's grip. He didn't need Kira preaching to him about humanity. "Being human… will be the death of me." He turned to go inside, thinking, I'm sorry, Light-kun. Please, forgive me.
xXx
Light watched in confusion as L dried his feet, kneeling silently and apologetically in front of him. L knew, Light was sure. L knew that his time was up.
L's hair continued to drip in a singular melancholy rhythm, and Light leaned forward and ran the other towel over his hair carefully. L froze, astonished, and looked up. Light felt something in his heart break at the stunned expression on the detective's face. Had no-one ever shown him the slightest bit of care?
Light hadn't given much thought to what things would be like without L, past the euphoric rush of relief that he was no longer being chased at every turn. But he realized at some level that the world needed people like L, devoted to the capture of wrongdoers. Having L by his side, his white knight to carry out his decrees, would be the greatest triumph of all. Unfortunately, that would never happen. But he could give L one last chance.
"L." he said softly, reaching up to cup L's cheek. He could see L fighting not to flinch against his touch, anger and fear and sadness running unmasked across his face. "L, don't test the thirteen-day rule."
If being touched had taken L by unpleasant surprise, this did even more so. "What?" L asked quietly, looking up to meet Light's eyes.
"Don't test the rule, L. The Shinigami will kill you."
L blinked. "How would you know?" There was the unspoken question as well: Is this a confession, Kira-kun?
Light glanced at the camera filming their every move. He could have come up with a lie, but his mouth wouldn't work, and he couldn't have told the truth, because he was afraid to in front of the camera. L would arrest him, he would have officers here within moments, and there would be no mercy for Kira. "I can't…" he muttered pathetically.
L frowned, seemingly ready to question him further, but his phone rang. He shook himself free of Light's touch, flipping it open and holding it to his ear. "Yes? …I understand. We're on the way." He tucked the phone back into the pocket of his loose jeans, turning away. "Come on, Light-kun. Things seem to be turning out okay."
Light stood, reaching out and grabbing his wrist, effectively halting the detective where he stood. "L, I was being serious. Leave that rule alone."
L turned back to him, his all-knowing eyes filled with indescribable emotion. "I cannot, Light-kun. I will bring Justice to Kira." he said quietly. "And proving the truth or untruth of that rule is important to the case." He walked away, pulling his wrist from Light's limp grasp, expecting the teenager to follow. Light stared after him for a long moment, then started walking.
He trailed behind the detective, his thoughts melancholy. He had given L a chance, and the detective hadn't taken it. Fine, then. What did that matter to Kira? His worst enemy would be out of his hair for good. He would never have to see the childish detective ever again. He'd be wiped away, like he never existed.
Light couldn't wait.
xXx
It wasn't supposed to go like this!
While Kira gloated over his fallen enemy, the detective weakly holding onto his shirt as his eyes slid closed, a nagging feeling persisted in the back of his mind. When L's hand fell limply to the floor, unable to hold on any longer as his life slipped away to nothing, something that was purely Light Yagami broke through Kira's triumph.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be! It was supposed to be from a distance! Just another name in a notebook; less horror, less fear, less… less…
Less L being dead.
"Ryuuzaki… Ryuuzaki…" Light shook the detective. It was a trick, to make him reveal his secrets. L would sit back up in a moment, a new accusation on his lips and that obnoxious mischievous grin that Light loved and hated in equal measure.
Loved?
That didn't sound right. L annoyed him. L had been a thorn in his side, even when he wasn't Kira. L was socially-retarded, awkward, and a general pain. But even so, some tiny part of Light wanted him to wake up and declare it all a test. He would gladly accept another accusation, or maybe a clichéd comment about how noble it was for Light to catch him like that. How romantic, Yagami-kun, or some such nonsense. But the slim form cradled in his arms didn't move, and something snapped.
L wasn't coming back.
The initial scream was all Light, a harsh shriek of horror that even frightened the stunned task force behind him. The part of his personality that was Kira took advantage of his other half's sudden mental shutdown, continuing to seemingly panic about how obviously the Shinigami was going to kill them all. A perfect lie. Control through fear. Any thoughts he had about L's death were pushed away with Light, to be revisited at another time.
xXx
The cemetery was quiet. Light listened to the task force walk away, staring at the plain, unmarked cross that marked the grave of his greatest enemy and only friend. There was no name on the grave. Only Light knew his name, and he could not tell the task force without suspicion.
"Goodbye, L Lawliet." he said softly.
Ryuk sighed behind him. Light didn't particularly appreciate the Shinigami's presence, but Ryuk was a necessary evil that came with the Death Note. As he had no apples to bribe the Shinigami with, he couldn't convince Ryuk to leave him alone for even this moment. "I guess things will be boring now that L is gone."
"That's not true, Ryuk." Light began to laugh, a hysterical laugh that even had Ryuk shrinking from him slightly. He kneeled before L's grave, grasping a handful of the freshly packed earth. "Look, L! You can't do anything to stop me anymore! I've won, L! I've won!!!"
There was nothing but silence from the graveyard. Light glared at the grave for a moment. "Nothing to say? No sarcastic comments?" There was still silence, and Light got up, disgusted. But with L, or himself, he wasn't sure.
But that could wait. After all, Kira had a world to rule.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light.
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind...
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me...
These wounds won't seem to heal...
This pain is just too real...
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
My Immortal - Evanescence
Six months had passed since the day that L died, and Kira ruled the world with an iron fist, ensuring peace and prosperity for all. Light was riding high on the swell of his own triumph. The task force had made him L, and with the real L gone, there was no one left who could oppose him. Everything was moving steadily towards a perfect utopia.
Sometimes Light thought about L, and how challenging things had been when the other was alive. He could almost see the slim detective sometimes, graceful hands peeking from beneath white sleeves as he reached for a treat or a teacup or another file for Light to read…
Sometimes the apparition smiled at him.
It was those times that had him excusing himself from the task force; going to the hiding place where he kept the notebook he had taken from Rem when she crumbled to dust and opening it to read in hastily scrawled letters 'L Lawliet'.
Just to reassure himself that L was truly dead.
He figured that it was all in his head; an illusion conjured up by the innocent subconscious he had abandoned in a pathetic attempt to make him feel guilty.
L was an innocent life. The half of him that was Light Yagami pled. He never did anything wrong. All he did was try to stop me, and that wasn't a crime. Kira has murdered an innocent person!
Of course, there was Naomi Misora, Raye Penbar, the other FBI agents. But Light hadn't truly known them. This hit harder. He didn't want to think of it that way, but the idea that killing L made him a murderer wouldn't leave him alone.
The task force was working diligently on a lead that had turned up in connection to the Sakura TV incident over a year ago. There was a suspicion that one of the performers who had been in the building that day was behind the Second Kira's video and the deaths of the police officers who had gone to stop the broadcast, including Ukita. They were investigating a man called Nobuo Kurizawa, a singer with a surly disposition who was a rabid Kira supporter and happened to be in the building that day.
Light, of course, knew that it was a false lead. Misa had been the one orchestrating the killings that day, but she was overseas for a photo shoot in France, and wouldn't be back for another few days. In the meantime, he would let the task force follow this lead until it went cold, encourage them not to give up, and go back to pretending to lead them.
It would be easiest to just kill them. But it would place a great deal of suspicion on Light if his father was the only one of the task force to walk away safely. He didn't want to have to kill his father, so his hope was to eventually wear down the officers until they just gave up. Even if it took years. He could keep them going in circles that long, he was sure.
"Light-kun?" Matsuda asked from across the room. "We figured out where Kurizawa's going to be tomorrow. Aizawa and Ide were going to go question him. Did you have anything specific that you wanted asked?"
Light thought about it for a moment, although he already knew what he intended to say. "Just don't mention the notebook specifically. If it turned out that he was Kira, and he discovered that we know his method of killing, this could turn out very badly. Just be careful." The man would give them nothing useful. Nothing that they could ever connect to Light or Misa, in any case. Without L around, this was almost too easy.
xXx
It was about nine o'clock that night when Soichiro Yagami walked over and put a hand on his son's shoulder. Fatherly concern reflected in his eyes as he stared down at Light. As he met his son's eyes, he couldn't stop the worry that flickered across his face. Light put his all into this case, never giving up despite the vast responsibilities heaped upon him for taking the position of L. But he wasn't sleeping enough, or going outside enough. He was actually starting to look a little bit like Ryuuzaki.
"Son, you've worked hard today. Go home and rest." he said, proud of the work his son was doing, but worried regardless.
"Kira's not going to catch himself, Dad." Light said, looking back at the laptop. "I can work longer."
"It's detrimental to your health, Light." Soichiro insisted. "I really hate to say it, but you're starting to look like Ryuuzaki."
The rest of the task force had looked over by then, so all of them witnessed Light's reaction to the statement. He stiffened, a half-glare frozen in his eyes. Glancing at the computer screen, he read a few lines before closing the laptop sharply. "You're right. I'm tired, I should go home and sleep." He stood and left the room before the rest of the task force even had time to react.
"That was… strange. I wonder what's bothering him." Aizawa said.
"I think he still hasn't gotten over Ryuuzaki's death." Matsuda said, uncharacteristically serious.
"What do you mean?" Aizawa said sharply. "We've lost thousands of people to Kira."
"But Ryuuzaki was Light's best friend." Matsuda said simply, turning and going back to work. The rest of the task force stared at him, wondering when Matsuda had become so insightful.
xXx
Light sat at his kitchen table, an untouched cup of black coffee sitting in front of him. Why on earth would his father compare him to Ryuuzaki? Ryuuzaki was dead, gone, and Light needed to stop thinking about him. Thinking about the insomniac only brought back the guilt that he had been working for six months to bury. If only guilt were as easily killed as…
Damn it! It felt like two halves of him, Kira and Light, were fighting it out somewhere in his brain. One who condemned the memory of the fallen detective as an enemy, the other who clung to the memory as that of a friend. Light was sick of it. He had killed L so that the detective could no longer stand in his way, but even six feet under he was managing to do just that. He continued to be a nuisance, even when he wasn't there.
…here… I'm…
Light blinked around the room, but didn't see anything. Great, now the apparitions were gone, but they were talking to him. Just what he needed. He wasn't going crazy, he was certain of it. The voices didn't exist. If they existed, he'd be able to hear them better, right?
Have…to want...
Light got up, downing his cooled coffee in three gulps and going to take a nap. Maybe he did need to sleep more. All the work was getting to him. That was all it was.
xXx
Two days passed without incident. The task force was happily occupied chasing Kurizawa, who had decided to make things interesting and flee the country. Light wasn't sure why, since the man was innocent, but that didn't matter. It kept those bumbling police officers busy for a while longer.
Light typed away on his laptop, planning his next move. When the lead on Kurizawa went cold, he would be able to get by for a few weeks, if not a month or two, just heading a search for new leads. The task force was absolute putty in his hands. He could manipulate them into doing just about anything. Except quitting the case.
There had been no more voices, either. If L's ghost had decided to haunt him, he had obviously chased it off. No voices, no funny images of L…
The worst one had been just after the detective died. Light had been working on the computer, and glanced over at the chair that L used to inhabit for hours at a time. He had seen the detective sitting there, casually looking up to read the computer screen. L had turned to him, his hair shadowing his eyes, and said something. But Light couldn't hear the sound. He had blinked frantically, rubbing his eyes, and the vision had gone. But it had unnerved Light to no end. He spent an unhealthy amount of time considering what L had said, and never truly reached a good answer. His lip-reading was not the best, but the closest he could figure out, was that L had said his name.
Light-kun…
The question was, why? The expression on his face hadn't been taunting, angry, or sad. It had been normal, the way that L spoke to him every day when he was alive.
Light groaned, resisting the urge to bang his head on the desk. He was thinking about this far too much. L was DEAD.
At the end of the day, he dismissed the task force, promising his father that he wouldn't work too late before he returned to his own apartment. They left with cheery goodbyes, leaving Light to stare at computer screens in frustration. He never actually worked when they went home; after all, it was no good to chase himself. He could research criminals to kill and pass their names to Misa, but he didn't want to do that either. Really, he realized, he wanted to talk to L. He missed all of their banter, from long nights working in handcuffs.
"Finally, Light-kun understands!"
Eyes wide, Light spun in his chair so fast, he almost overbalanced it. He looked around the room frantically, but all that met his eyes were empty chairs and silent shadows. He was certain that he had heard that voice, he knew that voice, he could be sure if it would only...
"You have to want to hear me, Light-kun." L's voice rang clear as day from absolutely nowhere, prompting Light to actually get up from his chair and scan the room. There was a low laugh, and the voice continued, "You have to want to see me as well, Light-kun."
Want to see him? There was nothing more in the world that Light wanted in that moment than to see the owner of that voice. He spun again, slowly, on the spot, taking in the wide investigation room, and stepped back with a muffled gasp as he saw L, casually sitting in his chair by the computers; the chair that Light had never bothered to move.
Shock shifted immediately to annoyance and slight anger, a defensive tactic. Light would never admit that the other's sudden appearance had startled him. He stormed forward, grabbing L by the front of his white shirt and demanding, "What the hell, Ryuuzaki?!"
L, to his increasing frustration, only chuckled again. "You're getting the hang of this. You have to want to hear me, want to see me, want to touch me. I knew you would pick it up quickly, Light-kun."
Light glared at him. "So if I don't want to touch you..." L smiled, the childish mocking grin that Light remembered, and lurched forward. Light stiffened, not wanting to be tackled to the ground, and his eyes widened as L passed straight through him.
"I could not tackle you, because you did not want to be touched. Inconvenient, but that's how it works." L walked back to his chair and climbed into his normal, crouched position.
"So you're a ghost." Light said, sitting back in his own chair and rubbing the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on.
"Technically." L said. "I returned to this plane for a reason, but my physical presence - my voice, my actual body - is dependent on you. No one else can see me, because no one else's life was so closely bound to mine."
"Because you only handcuffed us together." Light growled. "And what reason could you possibly have to come back?"
L ignored the question, looking longingly at the cup of coffee sitting on Light's desk. "It's a shame I can't eat, though. I miss my sweets."
Light rolled his eyes and began turning computers off, preparing to go home. Just another headache to deal with, that was all. It wasn't like L was actually back from the dead. He could get through this, just like everything else.
Being with you is so dysfunctional...
I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go...
'Cause we belong together now...
Forever united here somehow...
You've got a piece of me, and honestly...
My life would suck without you...
My Life would Suck without You - Kelly Clarkson
It turned out that L and Ryuk could see each other just fine, and L could hear Ryuk, but not vice-versa. Light laughed at himself now, wondering how he had ever missed L's presence. He was nothing but an annoyance! When he tried to direct the task force, L was there, whispering comments in his ears.
"Do they know you're lying with every word you speak to them, Light-kun?"
"I would never do things like this!"
"You're lucky they trust you implicitly, but what have you done to earn that trust?"
Light finally gave up; he didn't want to hear L's voice anymore. Too often he had almost snapped 'Shut up, Ryuuzaki!', and that would have gotten him strange looks indeed. It was easier to just not want. After that, L took to poking him randomly and breathing down his neck, so he didn't want to be able to feel his touch anymore either. He still wanted to see him, to keep tabs on him, but L merely sulked in the corner after that, looking longingly at the doughnut Matsuda was eating for breakfast.
After the task force had gone home, Light allowed L to speak again, and stormed over to grab him by the arm.
"What are you doing?!" he demanded furiously.
L merely grinned at him. "Amusing myself. It is very boring, being a ghost, Light-kun, and you know how I hate ennui."
xXx
This went on for almost a week and a half, and by the end of it, Light was ready to kill the skinny detective. He would have, too, if L wasn't unfortunately already dead. He went back to his apartment, L trailing behind him as usual, and turned on the ghostly sleuth as soon as he walked in the door.
"What do you want?!" he demanded almost frantically. "You told me that you'd come back for a reason, but why? Why?!"
L lifted his thumb and began to gnaw on the tip of it. "I... am not allowed to tell Light-kun why I have returned. It was a condition of being able to return." He continued chewing thoughtfully for a moment, then said, "Light-kun would not consider giving up being Kira? Returning the Death Note to the Shinigami and being normal once again?"
Light blinked at the abrupt subject change. "What? No. Why on earth would I do that? The world will be at my feet soon enough, and you no longer have any real power to stop me."
L narrowed his eyes. "Do you not believe that there will be any consequences to using a murder notebook? You deal death so freely, and you think that nothing will happen to you?" Ryuk had drifted away to raid a farmer's market down the street, so there was no one to witness the argument. L padded across the room to stand before him, and Light realized that when the dark-eyed genius stood up straight, he was the same height as Light. "Light-kun, I don't think you understand the consequences that are waiting for you."
"Don't I?" Light asked, smirking, unafraid. After all, if L tried to hurt him, he could simply not want to be touched.
L stared at him. "...I missed that face."
Light blinked. "What?"
"I missed that face." L repeated. "That smirk, when you feel that all the cards are in your favor. I lived with you, Light-kun. I learned your expressions." He took a step closer, and Light realized abruptly that this was what he had missed: these confrontations, these little games they played. Even though one of them was dead, the games still continued.
L now had a very peculiar look on his face, as if he were considering something. "Yes..." he murmured. "I was sent back for a reason, but I did indeed have ulterior motives." Before Light had an opportunity to react or even think, L had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, slammed him into the living room wall, and kissed him.
Light made a muffled sound, and L took the opportunity to force his tongue into Light's mouth. Light fought for a moment, but eventually gave in, faintly kissing back without realizing what he was doing. But he started pushing against L's shoulders as the dark-haired boy slipped his hand up Light's shirt.
"Stop...!" he gasped, pushing at the detective to no avail. To his great embarrassment, a whimper escaped his lips as L pulled the hand from under his shirt and trailed lower.
"You don't want me to stop." he said with a wicked smile, leaning in to whisper in Light's ear. "You could stop me whenever you wanted, if you didn't want me to touch you. But my hands still make contact." He palmed the growing bulge in Light's dress slacks, licking his ear and hissing, "You want this, Light." Somehow, the absence of the honorific made it all the more sensual.
Light attempted to retreat to the happy place known as Denial, but all that escaped him was a bitten-off moan as L pressed just a little harder, rubbing in just the right way. He squirmed uselessly, knowing that L was right. He did want this, more than he would care to admit to himself.
L began to bite at his neck, nipping along his artery. His hand shifted from Light's arousal to slide back under his shirt, tweaking at a nipple. Light moaned, pressing into L's mouth and hand.
"Harder..." he whispered, almost too low to be heard, and L hummed questioningly, sending pleasant vibrations over his skin. Light swallowed the whine threatening to slip out and whispered again, "Harder..."
L smiled against his neck. "Ah... If you say so." Light felt the detective's teeth, somehow perfect despite a steady diet of cake, sink into the sensitive flesh of his throat, and he moaned again.
L pulled him away from the wall, and Light wrapped his arms around L's neck as L began to walk him backwards in the direction of his bedroom. He realized that this was his best friend and his worst enemy, doing this to him. He realized that he was very likely about to end up having sex with a ghost, however that worked. And, most importantly, he realized that he simply didn't care. He didn't know when he had started wanting this, probably sometime during the handcuff thing, but now, he could finally have it. Like hell he was going to stop L now.
When he came back from his thoughts, he realized that they had made it to his room, and his shirt had disappeared somewhere along the way. He cursed his tendency to go off on random tangents of thought, and focused instead on the warm, smooth lips kissing down his chest as he fell into bed.
L kissed a straight line to his navel, then trailed back up to lick teasingly at his left nipple. He continued the attention until Light was whimpering and moaning with pleasure, then sat back to look at him.
"Don't be Kira, Light." he said lowly, leaning down to kiss Light on the mouth. Light kissed back, and L murmured against his lips, "Please, don't be Kira."
Light grunted noncommittally, reaching up to yank L down for another kiss. L obliged, tangling his fingers in Light's auburn hair and tugging gently. "Are you hearing a word I am saying, Light? Or have you lost all coherence?"
"New... world..." Light managed to say, breathing heavily. "I'm... doing good..."
"No, Light." L whispered. "No, you're not. But for the moment..." He reached down to work at the button of Light's slacks. "I will let it go."
xXx
Light lost all sense of what happened after that. He remembered cool fingers, all over him, touching and probing, making him feel all sorts of sensations he had never felt before. He remembered L's head between his legs, wet warmth making him almost crazy with need. He remembered pain, brief and fleeting, and intense, searing pleasure. And when he woke up in the morning, with an ache in his ass and L wrapped around him with an arm over his waist, he realized it was the best sleep he had had in years, since even before he had picked up the Death Note.
"Well..." L murmured, a lazy smile on his face as Light rolled over to look at him, "At least I know that you want me around."
Light just looked at him, for a long moment, and then said quietly, "You... asked nicely."
"..." L closed his eyes, hiding what he was thinking. "...Yes, I did."
"'Please', you said." Light insisted. "'Please don't be Kira.' You've never asked me not to be Kira before. You've said that you wished I wasn't Kira, but you've never specifically asked me not to be."
L took a deep breath, stirring Light's hair when he exhaled. "I... am desperate, Light." The honorific had not returned. "You do not want to listen to me, and I am running out of time."
"Time for what?" Light was still drowsy, but he knew that this was a clue as to why L had been sent back.
"I won't have a choice, Light." L whispered. "Give up the notebook."
"No." Light pushed away from him, getting up and beginning to look for his clothes. "I have to get ready to go back to headquarters."
L got up as well, waving a hand and immediately becoming dressed with no effort on his part. Obviously, it was one of the benefits of being a ghost. He walked over and grabbed Light's wrist tightly. "You'll call in sick today. Tell them you need a break; you're overworked."
And the look in his eyes was so fierce, Light had no thought but to obey.
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean...
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes...
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between...
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide...
"New Divide" - Linkin Park
Light had never been afraid of L. There were moments where, in his anger, the slim detective could have the task force scurrying away in fear. But Light was never worried about L's wrath. Never, before today.
L dragged him by the wrist into the living room, pushing him down to sit on the sofa, where he towered over him like an avenging angel.
"Damn you, Light." he said, still speaking softly. "I have tried. I have 'asked nicely', as you said. I refuse to lower myself to beg, and I refuse to threaten the one person on this earth that I still care for. So I will ask, one last time, and after that I will be forced to take matters into my own hands."
Light stared at him, not knowing what the other was talking about. He couldn't.... "L, I can't. I can't give up the Death Note now, I'm too far in. If Kira just disappears..."
"Kira will not disappear." L insisted. "Misa-chan is at a photo shoot in Paris right now, but when she returns, she will inevitably say something to you about your identities as Kira. Record her, and give up the notebook. Misa-chan is Kira."
"You'd tell me to throw Misa to the wolves?" Light asked.
L smiled wryly. "I am dead, Light. There are no consequences for me anymore."
"But I..." Light looked away, staring down at the carpet uselessly. "I can't, L. I'm too close to my goal to stop now."
"Your goal is unattainable." L snapped, suddenly angry. "That notebook is poisoning you, Light. You are becoming something you will not want to be, and the only way to stop it is to give up Kira."
"I'm not going to fight with you, L!" Light said tightly. He stiffened as L reached up and touched his face lightly. "You can't coerce me either."
"Do you care for me, Light?" L asked.
Light blinked in surprise. "...Yes. Yeah, I do. I don't know why, but I do."
"And I care for you as well." L leaned close, looking him right in the eyes. "I am trying to save you. And I hope, one day, you will forgive me for what I must do." He turned and walked away, back into the bedroom, leaving Light to stare in confusion. The teenager eventually sat down on the couch, his head in his hands. Now what do I do? There was a divide between him and L, and he didn't know how to fix it. Please... What do I do?
He sat on the couch for a long time, before suddenly becoming aware of a powerful, unusual craving for cake. He walked into the kitchen and was halfway through searching the fridge before remembering that he had no cake, and he didn't even like the stuff anyway. There was only one explanation for this.
L.
"What did you do?" He stormed into the bedroom, and as he crossed the threshold, his knees weakened and gave out. He fell, but L caught him before he hit the floor, supporting his head in his lap. Light stared up at him, feeling too weak to move, and whispered, "What did you do?"
"I'm sorry, Light." L murmured. He held up a familiar black notebook, and whispered, "You're dying."
"No... No! You're doing this somehow, to scare me into not being Kira...!"
L shook his head mournfully, before opening the notebook to a page near the back. In L's clean, precise handwriting, it said,
Yagami Light
Develops a sudden craving for cake, before realizing that it is an unusual action on his part. Goes to find L to demand answers, but when he finds him, is too weak to stand. Listens to L's explanation, before dying peacefully of heart failure.
Light opened his mouth, considering screaming, but L covered it gently with one hand. "I am sorry. But listen to me, Light." Light closed his mouth obediently, and L began to explain. "The notebook was corrupting you slowly. The longer you use a Death Note, the closer you become to a Shinigami. Ryuk would have killed you eventually, and you would have become a Shinigami upon your death. The only way to save you from that fate was to get you to give up the Note, or to have you die some other way." He smiled sadly. "I was sent to help you; to convince you to give up the notebook, because they believed that I was the one person with genuine influence on you. But I was unable to tell you why you have to give it up. So I did the only thing I could think of to save you from Mu."
"Killed me yourself... So Ryuk couldn't..." Light whispered.
L nodded. "There was no other way. Even the fact that you care for me wasn't enough to convince you to give up the notebook." He traced Light's jaw with one finger, gently.
"I... I don't want to die, L..." Light said, his voice uncharacteristically small.
L smiled sadly. "No one wants to die, Light. Do you believe that I left the roof that day wishing to have a heart attack?"
Light reached up, finding L's hand and squeezing as hard as he could. "I tried to tell you... but I couldn't." He figured, if he was about to die, L could know everything. "I was afraid... That even if I told you, you would lock me up, send me away... Kill me." He laughed weakly. "Funny... You killed me anyway." Blinking up, staring into L's outer-space eyes, he said, "I want to tell you everything, but there's no time..."
"I knew what you meant, that day." L said softly. "I knew what it would mean to go downstairs and give the orders I did. But I was bound by my duty to justice, as you were bound by the notebook." Smiling down at Light, he continued, "As for telling me everything else... There will be time later. Death isn't the end, Light, or I wouldn't be here." He leaned down and kissed Light on the mouth, and Light clung to him tightly. Even after L pulled away, he held on as tightly as he could, gripping L's hand until his strength faded. He felt his mind grow hazy, as black started to appear at the edge of his vision. He held L's hand until he couldn't anymore, and silently slipped away.
xXx
"You haven't opened your eyes yet." The voice was ever so slightly teasing, which puzzled Light, because L had never talked like that. He shook his head quickly, and heard L sigh. "What's the matter, Light?"
"I'm... afraid." It was painful to admit, but it was true.
"Everyone's afraid of death, Light. But really, there's nothing to worry about. You're being completely irrational."
"You killed me. Why should I be in any hurry to see the hell I obviously doomed myself to?"
Another sigh. "The notebook was influencing you. It wasn't you who was doing those things. It was Kira. Remember, the memoryless you hated Kira more than anything. That's why I believed I could save you. Don't you trust me?"
"No. You're a liar."
"I never claimed otherwise." A laugh, and a kiss pressed to his lips, pulled away before he could respond. "Come on, Light. Don't you want to see what Heaven looks like?"
Light hesitated, reaching out blindly. L seemed to sense what he wanted, and grabbed his hand, allowing Light to hold on. Light took a deep breath, and opened his eyes.
And he smiled.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
So... I should have been working on Verloren, but this took Verloren hostage and wouldn't let it go until I wrote it. O.o The irony is, that the beginning of this, up to the point in the cemetery, was Verloren's original beginning. Go figure. Anyway, school starts the day after tomorrow, but I'll work really hard to get the next chapter up soon. Hope you enjoyed this time-waster.
Hey, my first attempt at seme!L. (dies)
Hugs!
Li