A/N: So, this story came about in the most random way. StuckInThePast and I were sharing a little Anna/Bates RP and the idea of John buying a gift for Anna came up. So, what does an Edwardian man buy his intended as a gift that can be sent from France?

Well, we won't give anything away; you must read and find out. But, put it this way, it started out with a strange title of an email and a lot of Google ads!

It's totally AU and rather Crack! We hope you enjoy it!

StuckInPast – John Bates

TheShippyQueen – Lord Grantham

THE PERFECT GIFT

It had started with a bet.

The men had been playing poker, but many of them didn't want to wager any money in such times as these. And Warren, whose sense of humour was questionable at best, had come up with the solution.

"There's a shop in the town," he'd said, "well hidden from sight, for the sake of those of us who'd rather not be seen-" he'd sent a rather pointed look towards Bates, who had studiously ignored it - "which sells... let's say, novelty products."

"The very French one," Hill had clarified.

After a brief interlude which consisted of Hill and Warren bickering over why this shop was more French than the others, the decision was made that the losers of the game would have to go into this shop and purchase something of the choosing of the other men.

Several hours later, Bates had lost by a very, very long way.

And that was why, the next day, he returned from the town with a strange implement of women's clothing, made up entirely of candy.

xXx

Colonel Grantham studied the letter in his hand as he walked towards the common room. He knew Bates would be there with the other men and it was rather urgent that he got his opinion on the content of this letter, it was of high importance.

Approaching the room he could hear raucous laughter emanating from inside and could only smile himself at fond memories of his own time in a soldier's common room. He almost missed those days, almost, but not quite.

He appeared in the doorway, "Bates, I wond…." What he saw made him stop dead. Bates - sensible, quiet Bates - was holding up a rather peculiar looking item, that appeared to be made of candy. "Bates, what in blazes is that?"

The laughter had cut short as soon as the door opened, and now all the men were giving Bates an expectant look as if they'd had nothing to do with it. How was he to explain this?

"It's a... a novelty item, sir," he said, sticking as close to the truth as he could without compromising Colonel Grantham's good opinion of his sanity. "A joke. It's meant to imitate a kind of clothing, I believe."

This could get out of hand very quickly if he didn't come up with a distraction, so Bates
nodded quickly towards the letter his superior was holding. "Was there something you needed me for, sir?

Robert couldn't take his eyes off the strange apparatus Bates was still holding. He could sense the mirth in the room and was rather intrigued to learn more. He'd never had Bates down as the sort of man to indulge in novelty purchases and this one was certainly odd….yet strangely familiar.

"Erm…yes, yes there was something." Robert managed, dragging his eyes away from the multi-coloured item Bates was still holding. "Would you take a look at this letter? It arrived not long ago and I think it could be of great significance."

He moved into the room, aware of the men watching him. One man seemed to choke upon a laugh but managed to hide it with a cough. Robert's eyes were drawn back to the novelty gift in Bates' hand. There really was something very familiar about it.

A memory came back as Bates moved, the item in his hand swaying delicately with a soft clicking sound as candy knocked against candy. Suddenly, he was right back at Downton, laid in his marital bed waiting for Cora. He remembered leaning over to look at her magazine, purely to pass the time of course, he remembered flicking to the advertisements…

"Is that the "Candy-Cupper Elite" you've got there?" The words left his mouth before he had chance to think and as every eye in the room was fixed upon him, he furiously blushed.

If it hadn't been bad enough that the men had made Bates buy the... item, and then that Colonel Grantham had walked in, how in the world did he know what it was?

In fact, he decided as images flooded his mind, he would rather not know the answer to that question.

"I believe so, sir," he said, resolutely avoiding Warren's attempt to catch his eye. How was he to explain himself, exactly? Gambling in any form wasn't technically allowed, and he certainly didn't want him to think there was any other reason for the purchase. As far as he knew, nobody knew anything about his engagement to Anna, and he would rather keep it that way, without giving any such reason for having this in his possession. What in the world might Anna make of something like this? He shouldn't be diverted by such an idea, but for one brief, mad moment he very much was. He put down the item forcibly, trying to ignore the events going on in his imagination. Perhaps he could
distract attention away from this...

"May I see the letter, sir?" he tried, moving away from the table and holding out a hand expectantly. If this was so important, surely it might serve as the very necessary distraction?

Robert moved to meet Bates, his eyes still on the novelty item now cast aside on to the chair next to where Bates had been sat.

"Of course," he answered, handing the letter over, "it's a darned business, Bates, it really is."

He watched Bates take hold of the letter and begin to read. Slowly, his eyes were drawn back to the pastel coloured article and the urge to touch it began to take hold. As Bates read, he leaned down and picked up the Candy-Cupper Elite and began his inspection.

He held it up before his eyes. It was smaller than expected. He turned it around in his hands. How was it meant to fit? He cupped it in his hands. It felt rougher than he'd imagined. He pulled at it, amazed at how far it stretched. It was truly fascinating.

"It's flimsier than I'd imagined. Cora's would never fit in th-," again the words left his mouth without thinking. Robert coughed politely, trying to distract himself from the thought of Cora adorned by such an item. "So, what do you think?"

Really, Bates thought as he tried desperately not to overhear, he didn't want to know about all this! Although try as he might, he couldn't help wondering how well Anna would fit into it.

Registering the question, but not yet entirely in control of his senses, he answered, "It would be a perfect fit." At the smothered laughter of the others, he realised his awful mistake, but it was too late to correct himself now. He stumbled over an "I mean... that is..." before he gave up, and tried to deflect attention by turning studiously back to the letter.

Robert tried hard to rid himself of the mental image of Cora wearing such an item, he tried to push away thoughts of how such an item may fit his wife and he most certainly tried hard to not think about removing his wife from such an item. He was feeling rather flustered!

Such thoughts, he decided must be saved for later that night when he was alone, right now, he was in a public place and these men were looking to him for guidance in war…not…love.

He was just about succeeding when Bates' words hit him, he frowned and pondered. What on earth did Bates mean by such a statement? Had he been imagining Cora wearing it? Surely not! And anyway, why would he have such an item in his possession? Who was he intending it for?

He glanced around at the men who were struggling to contain themselves. Surely he didn't want one of these men to wear it, did he? Or maybe he wanted to wear it himself? Maybe he had….tendencies….What a thought!

"Erm….," the words seemed to be jumbled in his mind and he had no idea what to say, "who…who is this for, Bates?"

"It's for nobody, sir," Bates answered quickly. "It was just a joke that got a little out of hand." How in the world was he going to get out of this? He could feel himself changing colour very rapidly, and he couldn't help but wonder if this might constitute being brought up on charges. Surely not, logically he knew it wasn't something likely to
be in the army handbook, but it was such a situation he felt sure that the officers wouldn't be best impressed.

Gesturing to the letter, he began; "if I might make a sugge-"

He fell silent suddenly. One of the men, standing close to the door and consequently to Colonel Grantham, had muttered something to his nearest neighbour about "the mysterious Anna". Loudly.

Robert looked up, searching for the origin of the voice. For a moment, the words didn't quite register with him. His initial reaction was to ask, "Who's Anna?" but something held his tongue.

He looked at Bates and saw his expression and it all suddenly fell into place, Bates had a lady-friend! That was who the cupper was for! The sly dog! Robert hadn't thought he had it in him! He had to admit he was rather glad it was for a woman and not for Bates' own usage! It would have made his valeting duties rather harder to accept!

"Why, Bates!" He exclaimed. "Now it all makes sense! So, who's this Anna, then?"

But, before he could congratulate and tease Bates further on his romancing skills, Robert had the impression that he was missing something. Missing something important. Anna.

His jaw dropped open as it all became crystal clear. "Not our, Anna?"

"Yes, sir," Bates said, silently plotting a particularly painful murder - he could hardly deny it now, and it was bound to come out sooner or later. But what would this mean for him and Anna? Would his Lordship forbid it? Would Anna be angry with him for letting it out of the bag? What if the truth now got to Downton, and everyone
found out? Some of the staff would show no mercy to Anna. She would
be subject to constant teasing, lectures and scrutiny, possibly to an unbearable level. He would have to do something to ensure that she was alright, but how in the world would he do that?

Then it occurred to him what his Lordship must be thinking, and his eyes widened. "This isn't for her," he said quickly. If their employers began to suspect them of behaving in such a way at Downton... if they could possibly think Anna was such a person as that... "It was just a joke. I lost a bet, that's all."

A new image was forming in Robert's mind. One of Anna wearing nothing but this skimpy little number, now he was certain she would fit into it quite nicely…though maybe not as well as Cora.

Dear God, was he fantasising about seeing the Head Housemaid, of his family home, wearing nothing more than a skimpy novelty item of clothing? Well, she would be wearing that little white hat thing all the maids wore, but other than that…..

Robert shook his head, desperately trying to clear away this thought. What on earth was wrong with him tonight? This was all too much to take in! And, did Bates mean that he and Anna were…courting? How had that happened? And…had Bates seen Anna in such an item before….he really needed to stop this now!

"A bet, you say?" he asked. "Involving this?" he waved the item, admiring the movement of the beads. "Interesting…But, I had no idea you were courting Anna! How long has this been going on for?"

For heaven's sake, would his Lordship not let that go? How exactly was Bates to
explain himself? And it was clear that despite what he'd said; his Lordship was not going to believe that his relationship with Anna had not reached such... questionable levels. Not that he'd ever thought about it, of course, he was human and desperate and very much in love. But he'd not thought for a moment of seeing Anna in this bizarre item
before now.

"I'd rather not say, sir," he answered; perhaps his Lordship did have some right to ask, but Bates had no intention of answering. They'd kept it hidden long enough to be sure that they could do their jobs perfectly well while they waited for the chance to get married. This stupid incident wasn't going to change anything.

"Of course not, I'm sorry, Bates. I had no right to even ask." Robert answered quickly, ashamed at his own curiosity. What his staff got up to was not his business at all, well, as long as it didn't impede on the running of his home. And if Bates wanted to partake in some….novelty related activity with Anna, well he couldn't exactly blame him, nor could he see any problems with it. Why, he'd partaken in many a night of novelty with Cora in the past! And, this Candy-Cupper looked exactly like the sort of thing he could enjoy with Cora on his return.

He gave a rather embarrassed little chuckle. "Well, you lads certainly seem to be having fun!" In his embarrassment, he hadn't realised he was stretching the novelty item rather dangerously, as it dawned on him, he let go, the Candy-Cupper Elite sailing across the room in a multi-coloured blur.

The eyes of the men followed it as it landed and skidded across the floor. Robert coughed lightly.

"Anyway, if you could take a look at that letter and report back to me in the morning, that would be most excellent, Bates."

Bates restrained himself from letting out any form of exclamation as the cupper sailed across the room, although he could guarantee being attacked with it as soon as his Lordship left. Having fun! Well, perhaps the others had been, but he had not. And now he was bound to be tormented constantly by the good-natured teasing, especially as it
came from some of the more... vulgar men.

"Of course, sir," he said, that at least was safe. And he tried not to continue imagining what Anna might do with such an item as this. It was an intriguing mental image, but he could not let himself begin to think of things like that, or he'd never stop, and would bring great trouble to Anna. It wasn't going to happen. And if she ever did want to involve something like this in one of their activities, it wouldn't be for a very long time.

This was ridiculous. Truly, truly ridiculous. He simply could not believe it was happening. There must be a way to turn things around.

But all he could think of was what Anna might taste like after removing this item from her body.

Robert stood awkwardly, not knowing what to say next. He wasn't exactly welcome in these quarters and really, he should be getting back to the safety of his own room. He had a lot to think about. He turned to leave, then stopped, turned back, then stopped again. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

The thoughts in his mind were of Cora and how rather fine she would look in such an item, he had a good mind to confiscate it from the men but that would seem a tad too obvious. But, he really did want one of those cuppers; it would make a fine 'coming home' gift.

"I say, Bates…," he began, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot. "Where…would one buy such an item? If…for example…one wanted to purchase…one."

He felt his colour rising once more. Had he really just asked his former batman, a man who he had fought side-by-side with against the Boer's, a man who now worked for him as his valet, where to buy a novelty candy….cup holder?

This wasn't happening. It had to be a dream - a bizarre, horrific, terrifying dream, which he would no doubt wake up from any minute now in a cold sweat. Any minute now. Now. Any minute.

This was really happening.

How exactly was it that he had not yet perished from simple, overwhelming embarrassment?

And now he had to answer that question. He had no options here, he couldn't refuse to answer the question of a superior officer for one thing, and for another, it was entirely necessary in order to get this exchange over and done with as quickly as possible, just to answer the question.

"There's a shop in the town, sir. Behind the dressmaker's. It's easy enough to find."

"I see….," Robert said slowly, his mind forming ideas in rapid succession. He was sure he could slip out at some point and purchase one of these items. Maybe they'd have other such attire? He could buy a few pieces; it would certainly make for an interesting leave!

He had to wonder if deep down, Bates was planning the exact same thing for him and Anna. It was rather a worrying thought, and one he was having trouble ridding himself of. He had to admit, in all the years he'd known Bates, he'd never imagined him to be….that way inclined. But now, thinking about it, he was certain that behind that stoic image and of course his cane, Bates was an incredibly…passionate man.

Dear God, he had to get out of here and fast!

Casting his eye at the cupper one last time, he made a pact with himself. Tomorrow morning, first thing he was going to visit that shop.

"Well…thank you Bates, this has been a most…enlightening conversation." Robert said, straightening himself up. "I…well…I'll be going now, goodnight…."

He strode purposefully towards the door, trying hard to fight the images that were threatening to consume him. A sudden thought brought him to a halt and he turned back to face Bates and the other men.

"Oh, and, Bates?" Robert said, a small smile growing upon his lips. "I'm rather surprised at you! I didn't think you had it in you! Anna's a very lucky girl!"

And you are a very lucky man….

"Thank you, sir," Bates said as the most reasonable response he could think of. From the corner of his eye he could see Warren inching towards the article, and he dreaded to think what could happen next. He might not get out of this one alive.

How, then, was he to explain that this bizarre object really wasn't intended for Anna's eyes, or... or any other part of her anatomy? He couldn't let his Lordship think he and Anna behaved so immodestly, not under the man's own roof! And as for the other men in the room, they would never allow him to live this down. They must be firmly convinced that his relationship with Anna was much further progressed than he had admitted to, and would be demanding details he did not have. Not that he would have given them, if anything had happened - but the point was that there were no details.

Robert smiled warmly, watching as one of the soldiers in the room moved towards the cupper. He imagined that the moment he left, much frivolity and locker-room horseplay would ensue. It cheered him, the men needed distraction and nothing was more distracting than an intimate item of clothing belonging to a woman!

He left the room and headed back to his quarters with ideas of how he would personally make use of such an item. If his mother knew his thoughts right now, she'd pass out in shock! They involved a Candy-Cupper, some fresh cream and a couple of Mrs Patmore's scones…oh, and of course Cora….and maybe Anna too….no! Just Cora! Cora…in a cupper, with cream on and a delicately placed scone….

It was with that thought that Robert retired to room. Strangely enough, he didn't send for Bates that night.

xXx

As soon as the door closed behind Lord Grantham, Bates quickly moved to retrieve the item. It would be best if nobody in this room ever saw it again, and he had every intention of disposing of it. Every intention.

But Warren got hold of it first, and spent a minute inspecting it as the others took their turns to tease Bates with little mercy and a great deal of what really ought to be called vulgarity.

Of course, as Warren pointed out, they now knew where Anna lived. Perhaps they could send this item to her. Surely she would appreciate such a gift?

It really had been meant only as a joke. Some of the men thought it would be funny to package and address the parcel, in order to tease Bates further. They would joke about sending the gift to Anna, and then, after a while, grudgingly relent.

But the man who dealt with their mail had seen the parcel first.

TBC – Next chapter: Anna receives a surprising gift….