Author's idiotisms: This one will forever go down in the history of Caliborn's Stories as the first Caliborn's Story for which I actually bought the original work. And we're not even into the double digits yet.

I PROMISE. I'LL DO ANOTHER. OF THE ORIGINAL HOMOSUCK MALE'S MOVIES. SOON ENOUGH. BUT BEFORE THAT. I HAVE STUMBLED UPON THIS. AND I UNDERSTAND NOTHING. AND THEREFORE I STRIVE. TO UNDERSTAND IF NOT EVERYTHING. THEN AT LEAST SOMETHING. AND DECIDE. IF I HATE IT. OR LOVE IT. (THE LATTER COULD NEVER CONCEIVABLY HAPPEN THOUGH. GIVEN MY INHERITED BIOLOGY. AS A MALEVOLENT CHERUB.)

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

THE STANLEY PARABLE.

FOR THIS ONE. THERE WILL ONCE AGAIN BE A BACKSTORY. BUT NOT AN IN-STORY BACKSTORY. AN IN-STORY BACKSTORY EXISTS TOO. BUT IT'S BASICALLY THIS.

THERE WAS A HUMAN MALE ADULT NAMED STANLEY. WHO WAS AN EMPLOYEE. OF A LARGE NON-DESCRIPT COMPANY. TO BE PRECISE. HE WAS EMPLOYEE 427. AND ALL HIS JOB CONSISTED OF. WAS SITTING BY A COMPUTER. TAKING ORDERS FROM THE COMPUTER. LIKE WHICH KEY TO PRESS. AND HOW LONG TO PRESS IT. UNTIL ONE DAY. THE COMPUTER DECIDED. "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU." AND DIDN'T GIVE HIM AN ORDER. NOT ONE. AND FOR AN ENCORE. ALL OTHER EMPLOYEES. OF THE STANLEY MALE'S COMPANY. GOING FROM 001 TO 426. AND THEN FROM 428 TO 600. (I EXCLUDED 427. BECAUSE THAT'S THE STANLEY MALE. DON'T YOU SEE?) HAD VANISHED. AND THE STANLEY MALE. DID NOT TAKE WELL TO IT. THIS HUMAN THING. CALLED DECISION MAKING.

THE END. (IS NEVER THE END. IS NEVER THE END. ETC.)

OKAY. NOW THAT WE GOT THAT BACKSTORY OUT. HERE'S THE MORE IMPORTANT BACKSTORY. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STANLEY MALE. OR HIS COMPANY. WHICH IS PROBABLY. JUST ANOTHER PART OF THIS DEEPLY CORRUPTED AMERICAN DREAM. INSTEAD. THIS BACKSTORY HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME. AND THE GAME.

I LEARNED ABOUT THIS GAME. THE WAY I LEARNED ABOUT THE OTHER TWO FEATURES OF CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS. THAT WERE VIDEO GAMES. (PORTAL AND HALF-LIFE. FOR A REFRESHER.) THROUGH LET'S PLAYS. BUT UPON WATCHING THE LET'S PLAYS. I IMMEDIATELY DISCOVERED TWO MAJOR REASONS. WHY I WON'T BE DOING THE SAME WITH THIS GAME.

ONE. THERE WERE MULTIPLE PATHS. AND EACH LET'S PLAY. ENDED UP DOING IT DIFFERENTLY. SO I GOT ENDLESSLY CONFUSED. I HEAR. THERE ARE EIGHTEEN ENDINGS?

AND TWO. THE GAME IS NOT AT ALL HARD. I MEAN. IT'S JUST WALKING AROUND. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN ARM THE COMPUTER MOUSE. FOR LOOKING AROUND. AND FIVE KEYS OF THE KEYBOARD. W, A, S AND D FOR WALKING. AND E FOR EMPLOYING APPARATA. AND USE THEM. TO MANIPULATE THE STANLEY MALE. IT'S NOT AT ALL COMPLICATED. SO I GOT THE GAME. AND BEGAN MY OWN. "STANLEY ADVENTURE." SO TO CALL IT.

IT'S A STORY. ABOUT A STORY. THE STORY OF ME. TRYING TO UNEARTH ALL EIGHTEEN ENDINGS. ABOUT THE STORY OF THE STANLEY MALE. STRUGGLING WITH THE DECISION MAKING. YOU'LL FIND. THAT THIS ARTISTIC DECISION IS VERY CREATIVE. AND GIVE ME ADDITIONAL KUDOS.

YOU STARE IN AWE. AS WORDS THAT ARE ON THE SCREEN. AND THAT YOU READ. FINALLY ARRANGE THEMSELVES. TO CREATE A MASTERPIECE. NOT THAT MY OTHER RETELLINGS AND ORIGINAL ENDINGS OF HUMAN STORIES WEREN'T MASTERPIECES. YOU PONDER THAT THOUGHT FOR A WHILE. AND WHILE YOU PONDER THAT THOUGHT. MENTALLY JUDGING MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE HUMAN FICTION. I DECIDE TO FUCK IT. AND GO ON WITH THE STORY.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO. LET'S BEGIN THIS BITCH.

THE GAME SAYS. THAT THE STANLEY MALE. WONDERED WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. WITH THE STORY. BUT IMMEDIATELY DECIDED. TO TAKE THE BORING PATH. AND ASSUME. THAT ALL THE EMPLOYEES. HAD GONE TO A MEETING. SO HE WENT TO THE MEETING. BY TAKING THE DOOR TO THE LEFT.

NOW I SEE. THAT THE LET'S PLAYS. HAVE DECIDED TO FUCK WITH THE GAME AND THE STANLEY MALE AT THE SAME TIME. AND HAVE HIM GO RIGHT. TO THE EMPLOYEES' LOUNGE. BUT I THINK. THAT IS OUT OF CHARACTER. AND NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. FOR ONE MAJOR REASON.

STANLEY IS A DUMB SHIT.

ALL HIS JOB. WAS TAKING ORDERS FROM THE COMPUTER. AND HE WAS FUCKING HAPPY. SO IT ONLY MAKES SENSE. ONCE THE COMPUTER. HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH A MORE CRUEL BOSS. THE GAME. (AND QUITE POSSIBLY ME. BUT I WILL CONSIDER SELF-INDULGENCE LATER.) THAT STANLEY WOULD NOT CHANGE HIS STRATEGY. AND DO EXACTLY AS THE GAME SAYS.

ANYWAY. SO STANLEY TOOK THE DOOR TO THE FUCKING LEFT. AND NOT RIGHT. BECAUSE HE LISTENS TO COMMANDS PERFECTLY. AND WENT TO THE MEETING ROOM. ONLY TO DISCOVER. THERE WASN'T A SINGLE HUMAN HERE EITHER. SO HE WENT FURTHER. TO THE OFFICE OF HIS ORIGINAL BOSS. THE COMPUTER.

HE PASSED A STAIRCASE. WHERE HE WENT UP. TO THE COMPUTER'S OFFICE. BUT ONCE AGAIN. NO HUMANS WERE THERE. OKAY. STANLEY THOUGHT. MY BOSS IS A COMPUTER. SO OBVIOUSLY NO HUMANS SHOULD RUN THE PLACE.

BUT THEN HE NOTICED SOMETHING ELSE. A KEYPAD. AND THE GAME HAD TOLD HIM. THE SECRET NUMBER TO THE KEYPAD. (THIS STORY LIKES NUMBERS.) 2845. SO I TYPED THE NUMBER. ACTING ON BEHALF OF STANLEY. AND TYPED THE CODE. WHICH OPENED A SECRET PASSAGE WAY. SO STANLEY CARRIED ON. AND TOOK AN ELEVATOR.

AND AT THIS LOADING SEQUENCE. I BEGAN TO THINK. WHOSE SIDE I AM ON. THE GAME'S. OR STANLEY'S. AND DECIDED THAT I NEEDED TO ESTABLISH THE RELATIONSHIPS. BETWEEN THREE PEOPLE. ME. THE GAME. AND STANLEY.

NOW. THE DIRK HUMAN ONCE TOLD ME. THAT IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY RELATIONSHIPS PEOPLE HAVE. YOU TAKE THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE SQUARED. SUBTRACT THE ORIGINAL NUMBER. (TO ENSURE NO SELF MOLESTATION.) AND DIVIDE BY TWO. (TO AVOID DUPLICATES.) SO FOR THIS EXAMPLE. WE HAVE THREE PEOPLE. THREE SQUARED IS NINE. MINUS THREE IS SIX. AND DIVIDED BY TWO IS THREE. SO THREE RELATIONSHIPS.

ALRIGHT. LET'S BEGIN WITH ME AND THE GAME. I PLAY THE GAME. AND I LIKE THE GAME. FOR ITS LACK OF DIFFICULTY. IT HAS ONLY ONE PROBLEM. IT KEEPS SPEAKING WORDS TO ME. WHICH I SUBSEQUENTLY HAVE TO PARSE. AND TRANSCRIBE TO YOU. ADDING MY OWN COMMENTS.

THEN COME ME AND STANLEY. I CONTROL STANLEY. ARMED WITH MY MOUSE AND KEYBOARD. AND HE IS AT COMPLETE COMMAND OF ME. THEREFORE. ANYTHING HE DOES. I DO. AND HE IS IDENTICAL TO ME. SO HE IS ALSO LIKABLE.

AND FINALLY. THE THIRD PAIRING IS. THE GAME AND STANLEY. THE GAME IS STANLEY'S NEW BOSS. AND TELLS STANLEY'S STORY. WHILE STANLEY. AT COMPLETE COMMAND OF ME. SUBMITS TO WHATEVER THE GAME IS SAYING. AND THE TWO. ARE LOCKED IN THE STORY.

ALRIGHT. THE GAME HAS LOADED. LET'S CONTINUE.

STANLEY CONTINUED. HIS NEW TOUR OF SELF-AWARENESS. BY HEADING INTO. THE "MIND CONTROL FACILITY." AND PRESSED THE LIGHTBULB BUTTON. WHICH TURNED ON THE LIGHTS. REVEALING A GREAT LOBBY. FILLED WITH COMPUTER SCREENS.

ON ANOTHER PLATFORM. ON THE MIND CONTROL FACILITY. ANOTHER BUTTON WAS A CAMERA. AND SURELY ENOUGH. IT TURNED ON A WHOLE BUNCH OF CAMERAS. WHICH DISPLAYED STANLEY'S COLLEAGUES. OR RATHER. THEIR ROOMS. ALL EMPTY.

AND THEN. ON ANOTHER PLATFORM. THE BUTTON DEPICTED A HUMAN IN A BOX. GOING UP. (THOUGH I ADMIT. THAT THE FIGURE COULD ALSO BE A CHERUB. I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS A HUMAN STORY THOUGH. AND STANLEY IS A HUMAN.) SO STANLEY PRESSED IT. AND DURING THAT. HE CAME TO A REALIZATION.

HE WASN'T GODDAMN HAPPY. THE MIND CONTROL FACILITY MADE HIM HAPPY. THAT'S THE TASK OF A MIND CONTROL FACILITY. TO CONTROL MINDS. HE FOUND THE REALIZATION QUITE. "MIND" BLOWING. HAHA. I AM THE MASTER OF LITERATURE. BEWARE ME. HAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

OKAY. BACK TO THE STORY. STANLEY REFUSED TO BELIEVE. AND HAVE HIS MIND BLOWN. SO HE CARRIED ON. AND ENDED UP IN ANOTHER ROOM. FULL OF COLORFUL BUTTONS. AND IN ANOTHER ROOM. CALLED "FACILITY POWER."

THIS IS IT. STANLEY THOUGHT. AND SHUT OFF FACILITY POWER. EFFECTIVELY KILLING HIS COMPUTER BOSS. AND HE FOUND HIMSELF IN A DARK PLACE.

AND THEN. THE GIANT DOOR OPENED. REVEALING FREEDOM. AND STANLEY REFLECTED. THAT DURING HIS LIFE. HE WILL BE MAKING DECISIONS ON HIS OWN. YEAH. SURE. AS LONG AS THE GAME SHUTS UP.

AND THUS. THE GAME ENDED. WITH THE WORDS. "STANLEY WAS HAPPY." THUS REVEALING. ONE OF THE EIGHTEEN ENDINGS. WHICH REQUIRES ME. TO BRING UP OUR GOOD OLD FRIEND. THE TALLY. REMEMBER FROM HOMOSUCK? "GREEN TORSOS. DEAD." AND FROM THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. "DUMB CHILDREN. OUT." THUS. THE TALLY RISES AGAIN.

1/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE.

NOW ONLY TO FIND. WHAT THIS ENDING IS CALLED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY. ALL EIGHTEEN ENDINGS HAVE NAMES.

ALRIGHT. IT SEEMS. THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED. "THE FREEDOM ENDING." OR. "THE LIFE ENDING." THEY'RE ONE AND THE SAME. SO STAY TUNED NEXT. FOR ME TRYING TO FIND. THE OTHER SEVENTEEN ENDINGS.

CHEERS. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut