He wasn't sure what brought it on. They had been in the middle of a 'bad disaster movie' marathon. Toni loved those. She said it made her feel smart. It hadn't been a team marathon, since the team (save Thor) had seen at least one of the movies on the list. Toni used this as an excuse to snuggle with Steve as she stole his popcorn. She said his muscles were the best pillows. He never minded, as Toni claimed her right as his best friend.

"You can make your own, you know?" He chastised her, but he never stopped her.

That cheeky grin of hers was always her response. He was glad that she felt comfortable enough to trust him in situations like these. Trust had always been a hard thing for Antonia Stark and the fact that he had earned and kept her trust meant a lot to him.

When the movie 'The Day After Tomorrow' started, Toni was drifting to sleep. It had been one of the reasons he had agreed to the marathon and the snuggling. It was good to catch up on his cultural studies and sitting down after a long session in her workshop usually sent Toni right to sleep. Resting her head on him never helped her stay awake, despite what she thought. He only half-paid attention to the movie, waiting for her to fall asleep so he could carry her to bed. He had been doing that lately, making sure she slept in a bed, knowing how painful neck cricks could be. Of course it wasn't that he loved that gentle, content face she made when she snuggled into her covers. Of course not.

When he realized he was being watched by heavily lidded eyes, he turned back to the movie. One of the main actors, a Jake someone, was getting caught in a cold flood. He tensed but controlled his breathing. He was okay, he was okay, he was okay…

He needed to get out.

He threw himself over the couch, only dreaming Toni's shouts, and ran to the room Toni had given him. He was so cold, and that room was always warm. The cold penetrated his chest, freezing his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He was going under again. The warm room turned ice cold as the walls of ice and water turned in around him.

Someone was talking to him, trying to get him to breathe. Didn't they understand that they were freezing? Why were they there? He looked up and saw a beautiful woman with no make-up, chocolate brown eyes filled with worry, long black hair that was pulled into a loose bun, and full pink lips that were moving but he couldn't hear any words. The ice was coming and this person was doing nothing to help. The hand on his arm was so cold it burned and he lashed out at whoever it was. She went flying, hitting the closed door, taking it down with her, and she didn't get up. A small blue light emanated from her chest and sickening realization took what was left of his breath.

Toni. He had hit Toni. He had hit her so hard she didn't get up. Oh God, he'd just killed her. He just killed his best friend!

Tears poured down his face as he crawled over to her, trying to fight the ice that was pulling him back under the water. Blood was pooling underneath her head, oh God, there was so much blood. Her face was lifeless, her hair sticking with the wet, red blood, the arc-reactor flickering, and he brought her to chest and sobbed. The ice had sunken into his heart and he was dying. He couldn't breathe and she was dead and Bucky was dead and Peggy was dead…

"Steven. Steven, if we are to aid the Woman of Iron, you must let her go." He knew that voice. He wasn't sure where from but he knew that voice.

He broke free of the ice that had encased his body and saw a golden-haired god, staring at him worriedly.

"It's my fault." He croaked out.

"Steven, we have the power to help her. But you must release her." The god said and he felt the ice around his arms crack and shift as the god extricated Toni from his grasp.

He choked as Toni was limply passed from him to the man the god called 'Eye of the Hawk'. He was a shorter, brown haired man and the name Clint was attached to him in his mind. A red haired bomb stood next to him.

"Steve, it's all right. You can breathe. It's 2012. You're not in the ice." She said but it was useless. The ice was spreading and his heart was pounding, fighting against it, he could feel it move his t-shirt.

"Lady Natasha, we cannot calm Steven down. I am afraid he will hurt himself." The god whispered and the Lady Natasha nodded.

"Steve, I'm sorry. Thor, knock him out." She said and the god punched him in the face and he tumbled in to darkness and ice, down, down, down into the Hydra plane and the ocean.

When he woke up, the right side of his face hurt but it was a dull ache, like it had happened a few hours ago and the serum was already healing it. He opened his eyes, and shut them immediately as the lights from the infirmary were too bright.

"JARVIS, dim the lights." It felt good to recognize Natasha's voice. He could vaguely remember her trying to talk but he couldn't remember any of her words.

He cracked an eye open and seeing that the AI had sufficiently dimmed the lights, he allowed his eyes to open completely. He pushed himself up, ignoring the pain in his head.

"How you doing, soldier?" She asked plainly. "You back with us?"

"Back? Where did I go?" Steve responded, licking the inside of his mouth to try and get the cotton out.

"According to JARVIS, you were watching movies with Toni and had a severe panic attack. You got to your room, that's where Thor found you, and we had to knock you out to get you to breathe." Natasha said, deadpan.

"Oh. I can remember- wait. You said according to JARVIS. Where's Toni?" Steve replied, his mind still muddled. He was with Toni, and something happened, and then…

"Steve, you have to promise to stay calm." When Natasha said that, his blood ran cold.

"Natasha, answer me. Where's Toni?" He demanded.

"She got hurt. She's going to be okay." Natasha immediately added as Steve started to panic again.

"I need to see her." Steve said. He needed to make sure she was okay with his own eyes. Whoever had taken advantage of her while she was trying to help him was going to pay for hurting her.

"Bruce said he needs to take care of her first." Natasha said and Steve stilled. "You need to let her heal first."

That was the only thing that could've stopped him. If Bruce said he needed time for her to heal before he could see her, he would get that time. Toni's health was more important that his own feelings.

"Who hurt her?" He growled. He would be satisfied in hunting down the creep who dared touch Toni.

"Steve-" Natasha started but Steve shouted, "Who hurt her!?"

"You did."

With two words, Steve's world shattered. He hurt Toni? His best friend? The girl who he always fought with, protected, shouted at, laughed with? He felt his chest tighten.

"Steve, you weren't yourself. She was trying to help but you were too far deep for her. It was an accident." Natasha said, forcing him to look up at her cold, green eyes. It seemed she had been fighting her emotions and solved her problem by stuffing them down.

"How bad is she?" Steve gasped.

"Bruce just said he needs time. She's going to be fine." Natasha said but it wasn't very reassuring.

Deciding he needed to see what he'd done to her himself, he got up and pushed past Natasha. She must have realized either she couldn't fight him or that he needed to see her. Whichever it was, he was glad that she wasn't protesting. They fell into step and she directed him to the ward with Toni in it. Bruce was sitting next to her, staring with dried tear streaks on it. He knew Bruce and Toni shared a complicated but deep friendship as well.

Toni… Toni looked horrible. She had a stitched gash on her forehead, a bruise the size of his fist on the right side of her jaw, obviously where he had hit her, and she had an incubator tube in her throat. She was buried underneath a few blankets and he couldn't see the glow of the arc-reactor.

"Oh God, what have I done?" He whispered.

Bruce turned and went straight into doctor mode. He always said that he wasn't that kind of doctor, but he decided that he was the closest thing that the Avengers' had to a doctor and had done some research. He would never be a surgeon, but he knew how to stitch wounds closed and how to deal with concussions. A real doctor had probably come in for the tube.

"Steve, are you feeling dizzy? Nauseous?" Bruce asked, shining the pen light into his eyes.

Steve flinched and shook his head. He knew he wasn't nauseous because of his head. He felt sick to his stomach because he had nearly killed his best friend.

"This isn't your fault, Steve." Bruce tried. "You were in the middle of a severe panic attack. JARVIS said it's the worst you've had since coming to the tower."

Steve didn't answer him.

"Steve, she's going to be okay." Bruce pressed.

"She can't even breathe on her own!" Steve snapped.

"The tube is a precaution because of the arc-reactor. We're just trying to take some of the stress off her body. Not because of what happened." Bruce said and Steve relaxed ever so slightly.

"Can I stay with her?" Steve asked.

"Only because I know you will not get the proper rest you need here, I have to say no." Bruce said, with a heavy sigh.

"The serum-"

"Hasn't finished with that shiner of yours from where Thor hit you." Steve hadn't noticed it was still there. "Steve, you're no good to her if you hurt yourself more. She'll blame herself. You know she will."

Steve sighed and nodded. Sometimes he hated how logical the doctor could be. Sometimes he just wanted to be next to the people he cared about.

"Get some rest, Steve. I'll call you the minute anything changes." Bruce promised.

Steve took one long last glance at Toni before heading to his room. He sat down heavily on his bed and put his head on his hands. Someone knocked.

"JARVIS, lock the door please." Steve mumbled.

"Sir, while the door is locked, I must advise against this." JARVIS said coolly.

"Steven?" Thor's voice boomed through the door.

"Tell Thor that I want to be left alone." Steve replied.

"Steven, I wish to speak with you." Thor tried again.

"Fine. Let him in." Steve sighed. He knew Thor wouldn't go away and they had all the time in the world to wait.

Thor walked in hesitantly. "Are you all right, Steven?"

In an instant, Steve was reminded that it was Thor who knocked him out.

"I'm fine, Thor. The eye will heal very soon." Steve assured him.

"While I am eternally grateful that I have not harmed you, I was not inquiring to your physical well-being." Thor said gently.

"Like I said, Thor, I'm fine." Steve plastered a smile on his face.

Thor hesitated again. "If you will forgive me, Steven, I do not believe you."

Steve frowned.

"When Loki and I were very young, we would often rough house with each other and with our friends. Loki was very determined that even though he was much smaller, he would be considered as strong as the rest of us." Thor started.

"I thought he was content to be cleverer." Steve asked.

"Not when he was seven, he wasn't." Thor chuckled. "Or at least, what you would consider to be seven years old. Still, there was once a time when I got overexcited with our game, went too far, and I ended up breaking Loki's arm. It was an accident but that was the first time I ever injured someone I cared about. Not on the sparring field, at least. It took Loki forgiving me and his arm healing for me to forgive myself."

Steve nodded. Thor wasn't finished.

"When you were in distress, you told me that her injuries were your fault." Thor informed him. "While I can easily see the correlation, Steven, you could not have controlled yourself. You were in extreme distress and the Lady Antonia will understand."

"Yeah well, she's not awake enough to understand right now, is she?" Steve snapped. "I'm sorry Thor, I'm not sure why I snapped at you. This isn't your fault."

"Steven, simply because Lady Antonia is not conscious at the moment, does not mean she will not understand." Thor pressed.

Steve sighed. He nodded, since he knew Thor wouldn't leave him alone until he agreed.

"I will take my leave of you, Steven." Thor placed a hand on Steve's shoulder. "I can see you need some time to think. If you should ever need of me, simply, what is it you humans say, caller?"

"Holler. Or call. Either works." Steve gently corrected.

Thor nodded. "When you feel that you are ready, we will be here for you."

Suddenly, Fury's voice rang through the tower. "Avengers' assemble!"

Dealing with mutants was hard. Dealing with nine individual mutants without Iron Woman was even more difficult. One man shot fire out of his hands, another dealt with shadows and the one who really annoyed him was the one who threw little balls that would explode like firecrackers. Firecrackers and guns sound extremely similar. He took a small bit of pleasure in punching his lights out. Thankfully, the Avengers' got out without any horrible wounds, though Clint's sprained ankle would take a couple weeks to heal. Steve was aware that sprained ankles took longer to heal but unless he strapped Clint to a bed for six weeks, two weeks was the best he was going to get with the archer. Steve's face had healed, the cuts and the bruises weren't as powerful as a god, but they still stung. Steve took a glance and saw himself with his perfect face that the ice had frozen in time. Deciding that he needed to think, he grabbed his sketchbook, after filling out the paperwork for the battle since he needed to set an example, and he headed to the roof. The beauty of the sunset over the city had not changed and he wanted to see the new buildings in a city that was constantly changing yet never did. He had the landscape finished and was working on shading when a voice startled him.

"So this is where you went off to."

He turned to see Toni wrapped up in a thick duvet and he immediately went to her.

"Should you be up?" Steve asked.

"Probably not but I wanted to check on you." It spoke volumes that Toni allowed him to take most of her weight. He sat her down on the edge, where he had just been. "Natasha said you weren't handling this well."

"How are you feeling?" Steve asked, ignoring Natasha's analysis of him.

"Like I just got punched in the face by Captain America." Toni said honestly. "I have a sudden pang of pity for bad guys."

He swallowed hard, fighting to keep control of his emotions.

"Also annoyed that I had a tube down my throat for no goddamn reason. I'm not fragile because of my arc-reactor." She continued on.

"Toni, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Shut up, Steve." Toni said and sighed. He shut his mouth at her cold tone. "The first time I had a panic attack after Afghanistan, I made Rhodey bleed. He didn't know what was wrong with me and I dug my fingernails in so hard so deep that I drew blood. I didn't even hear him grunting with pain. And he forgave me. Almost immediately. It took me a lot longer to forgive myself for hurting my oldest friend."

Toni was staring out over the sky.

"I know you're sorry, Steve. I was sorry when I hurt Rhodey. I can say lots of different things like it wasn't your fault and it was an accident but that's not really going to make it better. It takes time to recognize that you made a mistake, and to move on. You can't solve these problems with a flick of the wrist and wave of a magic wand. I forgive you for hurting me, but that won't matter to you for a little while. When you forgive yourself, it will matter."

"Toni, I hurt you. I could've killed you." Steve protested.

"I'm not asking you to forgive yourself this minute. That's highly unrealistic. However, when you do decide to forgive yourself, I'll still be here when you do." Toni sighed and snuggled into the crook of his neck. He wrapped an arm around her waist, so she wouldn't fall, and repositioned her so she could be more comfortable.

She fell asleep rather quickly and for a little while, he just gazed at her as she slept on his side. Toni could be a remarkable human being when she wanted to. She could also be a five year old child when she wasn't getting her way. But now he caught the glimpse of the remarkable human being who survived hell and came out stronger. He placed his sketchbook across her lap as he called out softly to the AI. JARVIS dutifully informed Bruce where she'd gone, and then he felt a slight pressure on his wrist as he made to get up.

"Stay." Toni whispered. "Please."

Her voice was so soft and so entreating, he sighed and squeezed back gently. His hand found its way through her hair, as his mother had done when he was sick. Her hair knotted slightly but after a few tries, he managed to get a rhythm. She sighed contentedly and he smiled as he looked out over the skyline with her.

So I've been reading a lot of Fem!Stark lately and I wanted to try out my own. Let me know what you think.