Just some trigger warnings. This chapter and many other chapters (specifically the Soul Stone chapters) will deal with the topic of depression and suicide but nothing graphic. Just fyi.
Chapter 1
Peter Parker (Soul Stone)
I want him to look at me like he used to do. When he wasn't a lifeless corpse. I want him to look at me as though he is alive and as though I am alive. I wander the empty backstreets of my hometown barely able to keep up a decent walking rhythm. It feels like the eyes of death are watching me. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. It's difficult to fathom ever feeling any other way. I see some random happenings at the end of an ally. A woman and her apparent husband having a fight. It seems of very little interest to me. Even though the argument seems to become more heated I ignore it. I've become very good at such things. My phone begins to buzz just as I'm beginning to get back to wallowing.
"Crap," I say. Aunt May is wondering where I am no doubt. I take the phone out of my pocket and answer.
"Hi Aunt May," I say.
"Where are you Peter? It's nine and a school night of all things!"
"I'm sorry Aunt May. I'm just…" I look at the landscape. "I'm on my way. I just got lost."
"From where? Peter? You've been acting weird lately we need to talk about this," she says.
"Okay Aunt May. Bye. See you soon," I say hanging up the phone without hearing her response. I look up at one of the skyscrapers and wonder what it would be like just out of curiosity to…
No that's stupid.
Don't ever think that again.
I start walking home but the thought still lingers. I reach the house and Aunt May is filled with questions that I simply do not have the answer to.
"Where were you?" she says.
"I was walking," I say. "And I got lost."
"A walk? At nine at night? What's going on with you Peter? You've been acting so strange lately. Are you okay?" she asks.
"Yeah…I'm fine….just need a good workout," I smile.
"Well, try to do it at an earlier time, okay?" she says.
"Yeah…sure thing Aunt May!" I smile again. I walk to my room and collapse onto the floor and begin to cry. The tears stream down and I feel the pressure of my own emotions drowning me. I squeeze my head as hard as possible, finding it more difficult to breathe.
"Tony needs me," I reiterate what a wise Pepper told me. I feel my emotions reaching their boiling point and it feels like I might die if I take this pain any longer. I try to muffle my crying with my hands so Aunt May doesn't hear me. I look outside and find myself thinking about it again. About the skyscrapers and what it would be like to…
No that's stupid.
Don't ever think that again.
"Dying won't do you any good," I say reaching for a pen and some paper. The last several weeks I've decided to take up a new hobby of journaling even though it may pose a risk. If anyone were to find it, I would be in a lot of trouble. Even though it is hard to see, even though it is hard to think, even though it is hard to breathe, I start writing.
Why? Why did this happen? I thought I was doing everything so right and now…your gone. Everyone expects so much from me and I don't think I can do it Tony. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I could ever be as good as you. You were the best of us even though not everyone believed that. The world needs you and I don't think I could ever do that, Tony, Please forgive me. I'm sorry I can't be there for you like you were there for me.
Love,
Peter
The last few lines were excruciating to write and I could feel a wave of sadness smashing into me like waves. I threw the notebook as hard as I could and began crying into my jacket. Apparently Aunt May heard that because the lights came on in the hallway. Crap.
"Peter? What's going on?" says a concerned Aunt May. "Have you been crying?"
"No, no, it's just allergies," I say smiling. She looks at me disbelievingly and turns the light on. As I shrink away from the light, the tears are still falling.
"Peter what is going on?" she asks. "Why are you crying. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah Aunt May I'm fine," I say. "Like I said, it's just allergies." Why am I still lying? It's obvious she knows by now.
"Let's go into the living room and talk okay?" she says offering a lending hand. I wipe the tears from my face and take her hand. She ushers me to the couch and sits beside me and puts her hand on my shoulder. I remember when Tony used to do that too. I burst into tears again. She hands me a box of tissue and I blow my running nose.
"Mom…I…" I say continuing to cry.
"It's okay Peter. You don't have to say anything right now," she says. "just focus on breathing."
"Mom…I lost someone really important to me," I crackle over every word in the sentence.
"I see…that's okay Peter. It's okay to be upset about something like that," she says. "I'm assuming you lost them while on the job." I nod not even batting an eye about her realizing who I really was. I cusp my hands over my eyes as the tears continue to fall. "But your going to give yourself a headache if you continue to cry like that."
"Aunt May…" I say taking in a deep breath.
"Yes Peter?"
"I keep having these violent thoughts. About skyscrapers. I keep imagining what it would be like to just jump off you know?" I notice a more dark look about Aunt May's face. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay Peter," she says taking in a deep breath. "When did this start?"
"Today," I say beginning to cry.
"How often?" she asks.
"Constant. I can't get it out of my head," I say. "I would never do it though I promise! I have to prove myself to To— I mean to you…I mean to you…"
"Grief is one thing Peter. Thinking about jumping off buildings is another. Do I need to take you somewhere?"
"Like where?" I ask.
"Like…the hospital?" she sounds like she almost regrets saying it.
"They're not going to do anything for me there. It's not like I'm physically sick or anything," Aunt May looks at me again with her eyes filled with tears. "You mean that kind of hospital? I'm not going to do anything I promise! Please don't take me there Aunt May!" I start having a complete mental breakdown. "I won't be able to be an Avenger anymore, probably, I don't know. Please don't do it. Please don't Aunt May."
"I don't want you to get hurt Peter. I don't want anything to happen to you. You're the only thing I have left," she says.
"Aunt May I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have what I'm doing right now. I'm nothing without it. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Please don't take that away from me," I say. She looks down at the floor, her eyes filled with tears.
"Peter, do you want to be an Avenger or do you want to live?"
"What's the difference. Aunt May this is who I am. I have to prove to Tony — I mean to the team that I'm worth something," I say.
"You already are," she says. "You promise you won't do anything?"
"Of course," I say. "I know how much it would hurt you and everyone else. I would never do something like that."
"Okay, Peter. If you promise. I believe you." I sat there, my eyes drying up from the adrenaline rush. "Why don't you get some rest? I'll call you in sick tomorrow for school," she says. I nod and walk back to bed slowly. I find each step more draining than the last. Getting under the covers I try to fall asleep but the only thing on my mind is my rooftop fantasy.
No it's stupid.
Don't think about it ever again…
I keep telling myself that but for whatever reason the more I say it the less it sounds believable. Eventually I fall asleep but I wonder if I can prove to Aunt May that I'm more than these thoughts or if I can prove to myself that I am.