I. Decisions

Song: In My Head by Anna Nalick

MEREDITH

"Mer." His voice. Minutes ago, she had him, every part of him, but now, the reality told her not to trust his offer. He was still married after all. Nevertheless, his eyes, pleading her to trust him and be with him, they were hard to turn from. She was meant to be with him, there was no doubt, but could she, was now the right time?

Under the weight of your wings
You are a god and whatever I want you to be
And I wonder if truly you are
Nearly as beautiful as I believe

"Meredith?" Finn. Finn who had plans, who wanted her, dreamed for a life with her. His dream was the same that Meredith had with Derek, before. Before Addison, and the bomb, and George, and tonight. Tonight had been the most amazing night of all, but for that moment of happiness, a balance of hell was sure to come. Finn was safe: not married, stable, and willing to help her through all her damaged baggage, her shit. She should go with Finn; it was a safe choice, of course.

Half an hour ago, she had forgotten all the crap. Derek wasn't married when they were together earlier. He was simply a man in love with a woman. In love with her. That speech that Derek told her was the thing showing he was still madly in love with her. It took all of that for her to realize. He had never been emotionally married, which meant that their relationship had never really ended. He had never really been her friend; he simply was still trying to keep their relationship at some level. But Doc, when he died, symbolized the end to their "friends" stage, because, seriously, who were they kidding with the "friends" shit. Friends don't do what they did earlier that evening. Friends don't make love quite that passionately; she was one to know that, for sure.

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night

Back to reality. Meredith moved towards Derek, but told Finn to wait for just a moment. She leaned over to Derek's ear, not sure what she would say. Finally, she whispered, "Finn is dropping me off at home. Call me later when YOU figure out what this whole night means, because I have quite an idea of it." She tapped his shoulder politely, making sure not to let on to those around that what she had just said was not just a friendly goodbye. With that, she walked up to Finn and side by side, they walked out of the hospital and to his car.

Finn drove Meredith to her door. Neither one of them had said more than two words the entire way home. She simply didn't know what to say. To hurt such an honest and loving person was killing Meredith, but Finn was one to understand. He had been in love and lost it as well. Moving on was the only option he had, but Meredith had one option that Finn did not, and that was to go back to her love. To the one person who had changed her life indefinitely. "Finn, I'm sorry about tonight. Everything that happened tonight was big, and things need to be straightened out. Right now, Izzie needs me. And Finn, I'm just sorry."

"Meredith, you just said sorry twice. Now I know that I don't know what happened tonight, but I understood the first time you said you were sorry, however that second "sorry" was for something else. I could hear it in your voice. I know you're not ready to talk yet, but we need to. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Thank you." Meredith closed the door to the car, trying not to let her tears show as she walked to the door. Finn was a wonderful man and very smart, and Meredith needed him very much to get back on her feet after Derek, but she was slipping. This made her realize that she needed Finn even more. For if Derek broke her heart again, Meredith would need his shoulder. She knew that she was using him, but Meredith was so out of sorts at the time that it became the farthest thought from her mind.

DEREK

He watched her leave with Finn. He was so angry and upset that he felt like smashing the glass steps they were walking down. He didn't know what he was going to do. He needed Meredith and his emotions were running away with him. Running away like they had moments earlier when he had done what he promised he would never do. He had cheated on Addison, who he knew he would never forgive for cheating on him. His marriage and responsibilities had been important to him because he was the good guy. But Meredith changed all of that. He still wanted the responsibility and the marriage, just not with Addison. He wanted to wake up next to Meredith everyday for the rest of his life. He needed her; in the same way he once thought he had needed Addie. But this time he felt the difference: age and wisdom. Even in his most idiotic moments, he felt like maturity and understanding made him realize his love for Meredith and need to have her. He knew Meredith, and he knew he needed to talk to Addison before even attempting to contact her. He began to walk, not sure where his feet were leading him, but eventually ended up at his office. He reached for his second desk drawer once inside the office. The second drawer was a very important drawer; it held an unmistakably important file. The divorce papers that he never found the courage to sign. He pulled them out of the drawer and stuffed them in his coat. He knew he needed to talk to Addison, and soon before he lost his strength once again.

Under the weight of your wings
Should ever we meet on your side of your stereo
I will pretend I know not of your thoughts
And even the way that they mirror my own
I'll take you away in the way that you take me and go where I go

As Derek walked out of his office he saw Addison closing the door to the Chief's office. She had been consoling him on the events of the night. She didn't see Derek walking behind her, but he was hurrying to catch up to her. He put his hand on her shoulder and tried to give his best reassuring smile, which he sure was not very convincing at this point. "Addison." She turned around, looking like she was ready to blow. He knew she was in a bad mood and probably had some idea of what was going on with Meredith and him.

"What is it, Derek?" Addison asked impatiently. He knew she was looking for him to say something comforting, but he couldn't find the words.

Fall away to the sound of my heart to your beat
Melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet
Love on repeat
I'm echoing all your philosophies

"Addison." He was losing his nerve. He couldn't do this to her. Not here, not now. Was it right to leave his wife, he did have responsibility and a definite obligation, after all. He needed a sign, some sort of clue that he was on the right track back to the happiness he hadn't felt in so long. Just then Derek, standing with Addison, put his hand in his coat pocket, trying to ease his nerves. And there it was. Sweet mother of all that is good and kind. Holy shit …Seriously, it was them. Small and black. Meredith's panties were in his coat pocket. How the hell had they gotten there? Then he remembered when they started to undress…Wait, he needed to focus. Addison was standing right there watching him. This was his sign, if this wasn't another reason for remembering his motives for all of this, he didn't know what was. He recollected himself and finally got up the courage to speak….

In my head
Your voice
You've got all that I need
And this make believe will get me through
Another lonely night