11
DON'T MENTION THE PIGS
(I Did Once, But I Think I Got Away With It)
By
Remington Keys
Because I absolutely love Downton. And because it absolutely drives me crazy.
Just for fun. No stage directions, entrances or exits to muddy the fast-paced banter. I'll leave that all to your imaginations. We begin in the library and pick up in the middle, as per usual, but I'm sure you can all keep up.
*BEWARE: Some spoilery bits for the finale of Season 4, and for The Monuments Men*
CARSON
The Dowager Countess has arrived.
VIOLET
Sorry I'm late. Have I missed the mention of the pigs in this scene?
MARY
Not yet. Papa was supposed to do it, but he's off in Germany filming The Monuments Men.
CORA
Oh, my dear. I do think you mean he is in America helping my hopeless maverick playboy brother out of a little known oil well scandal that Julian found on Wikipedia. My mother asked for him specifically to get him out of the bulk of two episodes worth of filming without us having to endure yet another character death.
MARY
Yes, of course. I'd forgotten.
VIOLET
America? That is distressing news. Surely your dreadful mother won't be coming here again anytime soon?
CORA
I'm afraid so. It seems people liked Shirley MacLaine's guest appearance so much they've asked her back to take focus away from the multitude of established characters that already have precious little to do. And they've decided it's time to unveil my invisible American brother, too. You know, he's rather hopeless and a maverick playboy, though with him being so small, bald and weedy, it's hard to understand.
VIOLET
So I remember. Will we have scenes with them?
MARY
You will do some brief redundant sparring over the changing world, but none of the rest of us so much as speak in their presence. No risk of bonding or character development there. Apparently, they're bringing on more one-off guest stars for the Americans to interact with, so we're safe.
VIOLET
Well, thank Julian for small favors. Perhaps they can just film scenes in America and add us in later the way they did with Gene Kelly and that dancing cartoon character?
CORA
Oh, Mama. That technology won't be invented for years yet. We've only just got talkies.
ISOBEL
Hello, all. I just stopped in to have some witty banter with Violet.
MARY
You better hurry, Shirley MacLaine is coming soon.
ISOBEL
That is disappointing. I shall be quick: You are a judgmental bitch.
VIOLET
Well, I'd be offended were I familiar with that emotion, but I suppose the appropriate response is: Back at ya.
MARY
Oh, that was quite good. Well done.
ISOBEL
Well, that's me back in my box. I'm off.
CARSON
Sorry to interrupt, my lady, but we've received a cable from his lordship. He wants to know if anyone's mentioned the pigs—
CORA
Thank you, Carson. We were just about to.
MARY
Oh, good lord. I'll do it.
CORA
No, please. Allow me. I'm so sick of doing this needlepoint, and I haven't had a meaningful line this season.
EDITH
I thought Papa was supposed to mention the pigs this time.
VIOLET
But he's in Germany—
MARY
No, Granny. America.
CORA
Helping out my hopeless maverick playboy brother.
EDITH
Well, if he's in Germany, perhaps he can look for Michael Gregson.
CORA
Who?
EDITH
Michael Gregson.
VIOLET
Is that the new pig man?
MARY
Hardly.
EDITH
Michael Gregson! The man with whom I am in love? I've only just had his baby and secreted it away with a tenant farmer! I mean, doesn't anyone read my storylines? Anyone at all?
MARY
There now, since Granny's mentioned the pigs, must we do it again?
THOMAS
Pardon me. I've only just stopped in to remind everyone that I'm playing the baddie.
CARSON
Yes, thank you, Thomas. Shouldn't you be in Ger—America with his lordship?
THOMAS
That's Mister Barrow, Mr. Carson. And they only wanted one token Brit on the movie so I came back. Blimey, you'd think the Yanks won the war alone.
ROSE
I'm back! Fresh from some nondescript rendezvous with a foppish dandy in London. You all have no idea just how bad a girl I've been, do you?
EDITH
I've got some idea.
CORA
Edith, don't be unkind. She's pretty and popular and her miserable parents are away in India, leaving her to a life of lightly supervised debauchery. We promised to look after her and give her all the good storylines at the expense of beloved and established characters.
VIOLET
Well, not all the good storylines. There's always the pigs.
CARSON
And Alfred, my lady. You wouldn't know it up here, but he's about all we talk about below stairs.
VIOLET
How extraordinary! And Rose isn't a part of his storyline at all?
CARSON
Not yet, my lady, but I'm sure she could be if Alfred ever comes back, which I'm sure he will. He's come and gone more than Lady Rose here. He apparently has some mysterious masculine allure that can only be attributed to his extreme altitude.
MOLESLEY
Oh, I'm sure he will return, too. It's not bad enough I'm left without Mr. Crawley to dress, but I mean Alfred's just tall. I'm a much more likable and well-rounded character than he is. I'm sympathetic, for god's sake. I should be romancing her ladyship's mysterious new maid by now, despite her irritatingly as yet unrevealed dark secret connection to Thomas.
THOMAS
That's Mister Barrow, Joseph.
CORA
Which Mr. Crawley did you dress, Moseley? Not Lord Grantham? He's usually dressed by that rather brooding man with the limp.
VIOLET
I thought he was the pig man.
MARY
No, Granny. Molesley dressed Matthew. He was briefly my husband, remember?
VIOLET
It must have been very briefly.
EDITH
Does anyone mind if I have a line now?
MARY
Why must everything be about you?
CORA
Mary, don't be unkind. Edna is your sister.
EDITH
Edith. My name is Edith. Edna was that housemaid turned lady's maid turned nanny who bonked Tom and ran off in the night after faking a pregnancy, unlike my own which was all too real-
MARY
I thought her name was Ethel?
EDITH
No Ethel was the maid turned prostitute who had a bastard child with an arrogant soldier, which brings me to my current storyline…
MARY
I thought that was Evelyn?
EDITH
No. Evelyn is a man. I think. One of the many suitors trying to climb into your pig pen at the moment.
MARY
Oh, I knew you'd work in a mention of the pigs! You selfish bitch.
CORA
Mary, don't be unkind.
TOM
Good afternoon, everyone. I've just seen the pigs.
MARY
No, we've already done that.
TOM
Oh, I am sorry. Should I look sad and mention my dearly departed Sybil instead?
CORA
Oh, yes. Do. At least maybe I can finally have a line or two.
ROSE
Did I mention that I'm planning to jump out of a fraternity cake at Cambridge soon! It's a minority fraternity, made up of all manner of races, religions, economic backgrounds and sexual orientations that people just aren't prepared to accept in the twenties. Some are even musicians. There will surely be lots of off-screen unprotected sex, but as I am not a hard luck case, there will be no unwanted pregnancy. Only fun.
CORA
Oh, that's wonderful news! What a lovely storyline to divert attention away from other central characters.
EDITH
Yes. Like me.
TOM
I thought we were going to talk about Sybil.
CORA
Oh, Tom. Don't be unkind.
MARY
Besides, Sybil was only political. Rose is a flapper. Very topical. Pushing limits and testing our social and racial tolerances, while representing the dawn of feminist freedoms.
EDITH
I've written articles on feminism. If you'd only read them-
VIOLET
My word. I am exhausted just hearing about it. No wonder Rose gets all the storylines.
TOM
Still, I think it would be appropriate to at least mention Sybil—
CORA
Perhaps it's best to stick with the pigs. I mean, we must move forward if we are to survive.
MARY
If only Papa were here to hear that. Again.
TOM
Fair enough, though I'll never quite understand you people or your odd ways.
CARSON
Some one-off guest stars have arrived, my lady. I've put them in some bedrooms in Ealing.
CORA
Oh, I do hope they've come to talk about the pigs.
MARY
More likely to steal our remaining lines, I'd wager.
ROSE
Are any of them dishy? I haven't had unprotected sex in hours.
EDITH
Speaking of sex. I had unprotected sex once. Got preggers and had the baby. A girl, I think. Perhaps our guests have found Michael Gregson and I can finally find happiness!
TOM
Gregson? Ah, yes. Good pig man, I hear. Tops in his field.
EDITH
Okay, I think it's really enough with the pigs. I've had an illegitimate baby with my married boyfriend, who may or may not, but most likely was brought to an untimely end by people in brown shirts who may or may not, but definitely will, become Nazis.
MARY
Oh, dear. Nazis. Didn't they steal Europe's most priceless art?
CORA
Yes. Well, they will anyway. That's why your father went to Germany—er, America, to get it back.
MARY
Really? How'd he get on?
CORA
Well. He almost made it into the third reel, but sacrificed himself to save a Madonna and give the film some poignancy. He's on his way back to make an historical reference to American prohibition and to remind us that Mama and Harold are coming for Rose's presentation at court. We're very excited about it. It's rather like having a favorite youngest daughter again.
EDITH
Hello? I am in the room!
MARY
Edith, stop whining.
VIOLET
Yes, dear. It's very middle class.
MARY
No, Granny. We've had that line already. Mr. Barrow, whatever are you doing?
THOMAS
Just making my mysterious baddie face while eavesdropping, my lady. You know, to remind everyone in case they forget that I am a selfish and ungrateful bastard who doesn't appreciate that your bumbling, but well-intentioned father had an inexplicably successful moment of guile and authority and kept me out of jail for sodomy.
EDITH
Speaking of bastards—
ALL
Oh, shut up!
ISOBEL
Sorry to interrupt. I was waiting in the great hall and thought I'd pop in again. I was just wondering if it was time for a bit more repartee with the dowager?
CORA
Oh, look at the time! I believe it is. Well, I'll leave you to it. I should go and change. After all, I've been in this dress for almost an hour now.
CARSON
Excuse me, my lady…
CORA
Yes?
CARSON
Mrs. Hughes found this stuffed down the side of one of the drawing room cushions.
MARY
Isn't that your needlework?
CORA
Yes, yes. It is. I wonder how it got—oh, all right! I stuffed it down the chair. I am so freaking sick of needlepoint—
MARY
Don't be so American, Mama. In Britain we say 'bloody.'
CORA
Bloody sick then! How many English gardens can one woman stitch?
VIOLET
You could always do pigs.
EDITH
Or your grandchildren. Might be nice to remember what they look like. You have three now, you know. One from each of your real daughters!
MARY
Of course we know!
CORA
Yes, there's Sybbie the half-chauffer/half-aristocrat, and little George, of course, the long awaited heir that your father and I have apparently no interest in—
EDITH
And my as yet unnamed little bastard girl. I'm thinking of calling her Edith.
VIOLET
Wasn't she a prostitute?
MARY
Might well be.
EDITH
A ha! I knew you read my storyline!
MARY
Oh, all right. I admit I read it. I just don't care about it. I mean another Crawley child? That's three births, and three dead parents in less than two full seasons. It's a bit much, don't you think? And yours comes in last, as usual. You were the last wedding, well sort of. The last departed partner, and now the last grandchild. You can't be surprised that no one cares. Can't you do anything original? What happened to that writing thing?
CORA
Oh, Mary. Don't be unkind.
MARY
I thought you were getting changed?
CORA
I don't want to! I thought I'd stay here in case I got some lines or perhaps even a minor story thread. It's so hard with your father away. I can't even look lovingly into his beautiful blue eyes and tell him to embrace change. Again.
EDITH
You could comfort me, Mama. I did after all just give birth to a bastard child of my presumably dead married boyfriend and stashed it with a tenant farmer down the lane.
CORA
Oh, my dear. Come, let me stiffly embrace you.
TOM
The tenant farmer. Isn't he the pig man?
MARY
Why, yes. I believe he is.
VIOLET
Oh, goody. At least we've got that sorted.
ROSE
What about me? I may or may not have, but probably did, sleep with every man in London, including a very pretty black dude with a very bad American accent.
VIOLET
Oh, I say!
ISOBEL
You are a judgmental bitch.
VIOLET
Back at ya!
ISOBEL
Well, I'll be off. Let me know if there's any news of the pigs.
CARSON
Excuse me. I believe it's time to mention Alfred.
MARY
He's the tall one, right? Not the dishy womanizer?
CARSON
Correct, my lady. He's off to be a chef, though I've no idea why being a giraffe-sized footman for the Earl of Grantham isn't enough for him. I'm afraid he's caused quite a stir between our Ivy and Daisy.
CORA
And by the way, five thousand volumes in this castle library and Julian can't find a character naming sourcebook? Ivy and Daisy and Rose and Violet? Is anybody else waiting for Hyacinth to come up the drive and fall over into a hedge when she sees Isis?
MARY
Isn't Violet the one with the Mercedes and room for a pony?
VIOLET
What-what is a Mercedes?
CORA
Oh, great. Another dowager-ism. Print the new t-shirts.
TOM
You know who has a Mercedes? The pig man. Very lucrative, pigs.
CORA
Edith, dear. Where are you going?
EDITH
To see if Mr. Bates can kill me. It's been a few episodes now, he must be fairly itching.
CORA
Oh, I suppose that's all right then. Take Rose with you. I'm sure there's a storyline in it for her.
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