A/N: Merry Christmas! I was inspired to write this when a Christmas spoof of "I am Iron Man" by Iron Maiden came on the radio. It got me thinking...anyways, enjoy! I promise it's awesome.
XOXO, Helix.
Disclaimer: I don't own Iron Man, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", "A Visit from St. Nicholas" (The Night Before Christmas), or "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." Or Party City.
When Pepper startles awake, she firstly notices two things:
The bed is cold, and the bed is quiet.
These two facts lead her to conclude that Tony isn't in bed.
She knows this for sure for two reasons:
By any other name, Tony is an absolute heat blister when he sleeps. And he snores-not just the occasional rumble, but like he's determined to out-moxie a chainsaw.
And boy, since she's up, she's immediately annoyed.
For one thing, she's cold. She doesn't like being cold at night-or ever, even (there was a reason she had decided to live in California) and that in itself might have eventually woken her up if she didn't know for a fact that she was one of the heaviest sleepers on the planet.
No, she was annoyed (at least for the most part) because she knew she had been scared awake by something.
And she couldn't figure out what.
Of course, she was half-asleep and freezing and her brain wasn't working nearly as fast as it did when she was warm and awake, but she could deduce by instinct alone that Tony's stupidly loud music had more than a fair chance of being the culprit.
The strangest thing was, though, strain her ears as she might, she couldn't hear any of his typical playlists thrumming all the way up to the upper floor.
She cautiously stretched a hand out of the covers, patting his side of their bed.
Not terribly cold, but it was no furnace, either.
Pepper sighed. She didn't particularly want to get up, but she also figured that while she was downstairs she could probably do with checking that the Christmas presents under the tree hadn't been tampered with.
(Tony was a terrible snoop with an unfortunate knack for rewrapping gifts with near-perfect skill.)
It was incredibly dark downstairs-so much so that it was most likely cloudy out, too. Nigh on foggy, even.
And then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say...
Without warning, the familiar lyrics sprang to mind, and Pepper scolded herself.
Get your head in the game, Pepper! It's cold down here.
And it was, too, even with the last of the fire from earlier (Tony's stab at being festive, even though he'd already far outdone himself decorating the mansion) burning lowly in the fireplace. The presents hadn't been messed with (at least, she didn't think so) but she had almost immediately noticed that there were also some new presents under the tree, wrapped in unusually fancy paper and tied with velvet ribbons.
Huh.
Pepper was positive that she hadn't seen them when she had put Tony, Rhodey, and Happy's presents under the tree earlier that night.
Maybe they're presents for you!
She frowned thoughtfully and wrapped her arms around herself before shivering hard.
There was definitely a draft coming from the workshop stairs.
Pepper's aggravation skyrocketed. Tony had left the garage door open.
She cautiously put a foot on the top stair-unfortunately made of marble-and cringed. Like she had expected, it was ice-cold. But when she made her way downstairs...that was when she really frowned, because there were voices floating up toward her.
Picking out Tony's voice was easy and instantaneous: it was warm and baritone and attentive, but there was another voice that she most definitely did not recognize.
While it wasn't exactly atypical to hear Tony chatting with Jarvis while he worked, she knew that AI's voice almost as well as she knew her own, and she was positive that it wasn't him.
And if it wasn't Jarvis, it wasn't Happy or Rhodey, either-they wouldn't see them until the morning anyways, and she knew that neither of them would drag themselves out of bed on Christmas Eve like she would, not even for Tony.
Well, not happily, anyway.
Whoever it was, though, they were talking like they were old friends.
Very old friends. Older friends than maybe even Obadiah was.
More than half-way down the stairs, she was horrified to discover she was tip-toeing. No, not even that-
She was sneaking.
This is so immature! She felt frustrated at herself. Since when do I eavesdrop on him like this? I can always just ask him about it in the morning!
But she still inched closer, and eventually she could hear them clearly.
"...and how's Elvis working out? You like it?"
The way Tony spoke about what Elvis was gave Pepper the odd impression that he was referencing some sort of private joke. But...had Tony written an Artificial Intelligence program for this guy? Tony never, ever did that. For anybody.
Who cares? Why is this guy in our garage at midnight?
"Yes!" They had a strong accent that Pepper couldn't identify. "I'm much appreciative. Makes production so much smoother, no? Say, I just tell it what to do, and it does! Cuts way far down on labor costs, I think."
Production? Labor costs? She crept closer-almost at the edge of the wall, now. Maybe it's an artificial robotics system, like Butterfingers.
"Hey, I'm really glad to hear that." Tony sounded pleased. "Thanks, Nick. Really."
Nick...Pepper thumbed through her mental rolodex of business contacts and drew a blank. Well, there's no question that it's not Fury, but there's a million people with the same name out there.
It was quiet for a moment, except for Tony's humming computers, a smooth idling-engine kind of sound, and an even weirder snuffling noise.
"So, um...can I get you something to drink, or what?"
"No, no," Nick refused firmly. "You know that I can't steer that great thing under the influence-especially of your alcohol, Anthony. Too strong! Like drinking paint thinner. Or sleigh polish."
They both laughed loudly, and in any other circumstance she would've agreed with Nick's observation about Tony's alcohol, but Pepper was irretrievably stuck on the word sleigh.
Who was this guy?
And then, a positively sickening thought struck her.
Sleigh polish. Production. Labor costs.
No, no, no!
There was no way.
What about Elvis though?
Elvis...
Wait.
What if Elvis, like Jarvis...was an acronym?
Elvis...Elvis...elv...
The I, Pepper realized. Tony replaced the E with an I.
As a joke. A private, inside joke.
E.L.V.E.S.
Pronounced like Elvis...and spelled like elves.
And suddenly, Pepper couldn't stand it anymore.
She took a quick, very much un-fortifying breath and leaned fully around the corner of the wall, just so her wildly unprepared eyes could greet the most absurd and impossible scene of all time.
Tony stood with his arms crossed against a computer desk, chatting lightly with the tallest person she had ever seen-whom she wasn't even really paying attention to because, in turn, he was leaning on a real-life sleigh.
And not just any old sleigh, either. A sleek, high-tech, two-seater, black-and-chrome vehicle hitched to one, two, three...oh, Lord.
Nine reindeer.
They all varied in coloration, but they were primarily darker shades: jet, heather, chestnut, and even russet, as if they were naturally inclined to blend in with darkness. Their tack and harnesses were black leather, and corded through specific loops in-between each reindeer hung bunches of pearly miniature bells.
It would have been a flawless picture except that the ninth, the leader of the team, had what looked like a shattered industrial lightbulb made of red glass strapped to it's antlers. Like a beacon, or an airplane light.
Or like a modern solution to a popular legend.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer...had a very shiny nose...
And that was when her shock caught up with her.
Almost slipping and falling over her long pajamas, Pepper flung herself back behind the wall and fervently prayed that neither of them could see her.
Please not have heard or seen me...please, please, please...
Oh, oh, she had to be dreaming.
Rubbing the heels of her palms deeply into her eyes, she tried to think straight.
When I wake up, I'm going to use every penny of my corporate healthcare and get a CAT-scan.
It would have been obvious to anybody what it looked like, but it just didn't make any sort of sense. Pepper stopped herself short, and began to reason.
Okay, okay, okay. Virginia, be logical. How long have you been awake? Since five? You're overtired. And you had that wine after dinner! You thought it tasted funny, didn't you? It was just bad wine-
Yet Tony's voice still jolted her.
"Is this it? Do you know what happened to it?"
"Hail, in Portland. Must 'ave struck it just right. We couldn't risk flying at that altitude without it, see?" There was a sound like tearing velcro, and Nick harrumphed. "'ere. Look for yourself."
Flying! In Portland!
"It's busted," Tony agreed. "I'll get you a new one and then you can hit the road, okay?"
His footsteps faded, and Pepper hesitated before peeking around the corner again. Tony wasn't anywhere to be seen, but Nick was still there, kneeling next to one of the reindeer and adjusting their harness, whistling as he did so.
Pepper nibbled on her nail and decided that since it at least felt like a dream, she'd be perfectly fine if she simply stayed out of sight and observed him. If in fact he was the real deal, because she was starting to lose hope that he wasn't.
Just roll with it. You've got to, so you don't lose your mind. Remember, this will never be as bad as the Iron Man press conference.
For starters, his clothes weren't like the cartoons. He wore a cherry red flight suit with black piping and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His boots were shiny but clearly well-loved, and a pair of snow goggles were perched on his head-which was styled in a curiously uncharacteristic, frosty-gray flat-top buzzcut.
He looks like a biker, Pepper mused. At least his beard's still the same as in the movies.
Indeed, it was snowy white and curly, and reached all the way down his chest. And Pepper was mesmerized, until she heard Tony yell from somewhere deep in the storage area of the workshop.
"Hey! I think I found one that might work!"
Startled, a little gasp that she hadn't meant to let out escaped her.
And Nick's head snapped up.
He'd heard her.
Panicking, she clapped a hand over her mouth and froze.
Crap!
She knew if she moved, he'd see her for sure.
Pepper Potts: reindeer in the headlights.
For just a second, he seemed to relax, or brush it off, but then he turned deliberately, purposely, to face her.
Like he had known she had been watching the entire time.
Bracing his hands on his knees, he straightened to his full height-at least seven feet tall-and for a whole moment, they locked eyes.
Neither of them moved, and Pepper stopped breathing completely. Internally, she was freaking out, because some deep and unexplainable instinct inside her recognized that face.
It's really him. It's real. He's real.
And as if he had heard her, Nick's seriousness transformed into a stunning beam. His eyes twinkled, and his cheeks became rosy in a silent laugh, before tapping his finger to the side of his nose in an unmistakable gesture.
And fill'd all the stockings and turned with a jerk...and laying a finger on the side of his nose...
Very suddenly, Pepper's chest unlocked, and a ball of tingly warmth unraveled in her sternum that seeped all the way to her toes. The sensation was strange; like she had just taken a huge gulp of hot coffee, or sunbathed for too long.
Was that...?
She supposed that maybe, logically...it could really only be one thing.
Christmas Magic.
Yes, Virginia.
Pepper jumped hard, but before she could even process that he had answered her in her mind, Tony came around the corner, waving a new red glass lightbulb.
She bolted just before Tony could see her, but not before she saw Nick wink.
"Pep, you awake?" Tony whispered.
She absolutely didn't trust herself to answer him, otherwise she knew she'd scream.
He had come back upstairs about fifteen minutes after she had, and for anyone else, it would have been a reasonable amount of time to stew over the experience.
But not Pepper.
Her particular level of awe seemed reasonable: she saw reindeer with her own two eyes in the garage, hitched up to an equally-legendary sleigh parked in the same garage like it was no more extraordinary than a Harley. Her boyfriend-a superhero-was friends with Santa Claus, an apparent part-time telepath.
Actually, she thought she was handling it pretty well, until Tony kissed her cheek and she nearly jumped out of her own skin.
She had to relax, otherwise he'd know.
"Pepper," he tried again, and poked her shoulder with his fingertip. His voice way too sing-songy to do no less than confirm for her that what she thought had just happened had actually just happened.
It was real.
And he was real.
Tony poked her again, but after the third poke he seemed to give up, and flopped onto his back. He caught up her hand and hummed lightly to himself as he wound down. Pepper would recognize the song anywhere.
He's making a list...he's checking it twice...
Before long he was asleep again, and she turned to face the window. The dim hologram clock on the window read as exactly 12:25.
A merry coincidence, I guess.
Pepper swore in that moment she heard elegant sleigh bells fade away above the mansion, but she finally shrugged, and closed her eyes.
Drifting off, she finished humming the rest of the song with a smile.
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice...Santa Claus is coming to town...
Did anyone catch the Santa Clause (Tim Allen) reference? Comment if you did-I'm curious! (: If you feel inspired to do so, please review!