Chapter One:

Kate Beckett knew from the moment she first saw Richard Castle that he was the one for her. She knew that he would love her, take care of her, and respect her, so why did she avoid him when he told her he loved her? Why did she run away from something so perfect? She regrets not calling him, not saying one word, not even looking at him. Now he's back in her life and things are not like they used to be. If she ever gets the courage to tell him how she feels, she will, but first she needs to get better, to break down the wall that is stopping her from doing what she really wants and once that wall is down, she will be free to be who she really wants to be.

Kate Beckett picked up her phone, scrolled through her contacts, stopped at Richard Castle and with no hesitation pressed call.

"Hey, Its Castle, I must be writing or solving a murder so leave a message after the beep."

"Castle, its Beckett, again, call me back when you get this."

She put her phone on the kitchen table and sat down. She waited for a call from him.

After about 5 minutes of waiting for a call she got up and walked to the bathroom.

She turned on the shower, undressed and stared into the mirror. She hated what she looked like. The baggy eyes, the skinny arms and most of all she hated her scars. They annoyed her; she wanted them to go away because whenever she looks at them all she can think of is being shot down.

After she showered and got dressed she went to find something real to eat. Not junk food or takeaways. There was nothing she could eat in her house. She seriously needed to do some food shopping soon.

After eating some leftover takeaways from the other night she reached for her phone.

Before she had the chance to call Castle again there was a knock on her door.

Kate has been paranoid by every unexpected knock on the door since she was shot. She grabbed her gun and took a step towards the door.

"Who is it?"

"Kate, hey girl, it's Lanie, can I come in?"

At that moment she felt so stupid. She put away her gun and let in her friend.

"Hey, I thou-

"OK, Kate I'm worried about you, you never answer my calls, and I bet when you heard a knock on the door the first thing you did was grab your gun."

"You don't need to be worried Lanie"

"Yes I do need to be worried. I'm your friend"

"You could have called me to tell me you were coming, and then I wouldn't have had to grab my gun!"

"I tried to call but you didn't pick up."

"Oh, sorry, I- I. umm, I was in the shower."

She knew that she was purposely avoiding Lanie calls because she did not feel like talking to anyone, except for Castle.

"Right, shower. Look, Kate, we need to tal-"

"No, Lanie, we do not need to talk. I don't want to talk!"

She knew that she should talk but if she did everything bad in her life would become real and she would have nothing to hide behind anymore.

Lanie pushed pass Kate and sat down on her couch.

"Kate, sit down and talk to me. I will Listen, OK."

Kate walked over and sat beside Lanie but did not say a word.

"OK, I will start then."

They talked for what seemed like a couple of hours about the shooting and about Kate's mom and dad until Kate accidentally told Lanie about what Caste said to her.

"What? He said what!" Lanie shouted.

"Ahh, nothing, well nothing that matters."

She knew that there was no way to take back what she just said to Lanie.

"Nothing! Kate, where I come from 'I love you' is not nothing"

"Well he said it, and now I'm stuck with it. So that's all"

"No that is not all. Kate, I know you, I see how you look at him, I see how you act around him and now he said that he loved you why has nothing happened between you both yet. I mean he told you he loved you."

Kate knew she made a mistake about telling Castle that she remembered nothing about the night she got shot.

"He, he doesn't know anything." Kate whispered to herself.

"What, I didn't hear you."

"I said he doesn't know anything."

"Anything meaning…"

"Yeah."

Lanie looked at Kate like she was mad.

"Why would you tell him that you don't remember when obviously you do?"

"I just don't think he needs to know."

Lanie stood up and grabbed Kate's phone and dialed Castle's number.

"Talk to him!"

Kate took the phone out of Lanie's hand and put it up towards her ear.

"He won't answer. I've been calling all night and every time it goes to his answering machine.

Kate was just about to put down her phone when she heard someone pick up on the other end.

"Beckett, its Castle, what's up? You called me like 10 times. Are you OK?

"Yeah, hey, and I'm fine. Can we talk sometime soon?"

Kate heard People in the background on Castles end of the line.

"I'm a little busy here right now. Mothers got her drama buddies around and I'm supervising." Castle gave a little laugh. "Can we go out for lunch tomorrow, talk then?"

"Yeah, I understand. We all know how your Mother gets when she throws a party. Tomorrow sounds great."

"Cool. So meet at my place, say about 11:30."

"11:30 it is. See you then. Night Castle. Have fun being mature."

"Ha, I will actually. Night"

Kate threw her phone on the couch and slumped back when she saw Lanie smiling at her.

"What?" Kate asked Lanie.

"Girl, you are so in love! It's cute."

"Shut up Lanie. That's not fair."

In a way Kate was glad that she accidentally told Lanie about Castle because now she has someone to talk to other than her therapist.

"Thank you." Kate said.

Lanie looked up at Kate. She could tell Kate hadn't been eating properly but she didn't say anything. She just carried on being Lanie.

"Well, it wasn't that hard was it; I mean it was only a phone call."

"No, Lanie, I really mean thank you."

"No problem Kate. I am and always will be here for you, you know that right."

"Yeah, I know."

They talked for a little while longer then Kate walked Lanie down stairs to her cab.

On the way up the elevator Kate thought it was all a dream. Having a date with Castle seemed so different.

When she got back to her apartment, she checked no one was inside, locked all her windows and door, and then double checked everything was safe. When she was satisfied, she put her gun in the top draw next to her bed, changed into shorts and singlet, got in bed and just sat there.

She sat there thinking for a while, thinking about Castle and how her lunch date was going to go. Would she tell him the truth?

After a while she finally fell asleep.