Just an idea. Something a bit different.
Enjoy.
disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli and isles. I do not own the characters.
"You can touch me if you want." Maura whispers gently.
"I'd like that." Jane replies hoarsely releasing her hands from each other she had held tight enough to turn her knuckles white.
Maura closes her eyes and swallows. It was the words she never thought she would hear, delivered with the intention she could never have expected. Her chest hurts just a little.
Maura opens her eyes and looks at her friend. Jane has turned her face in Maura's direction and begins to reach her arm out before pulling back and dropping her hands to her sides and her chin to her chest.
She looks nervous.
Maura can't stop the tear that leaks out of her nasolacrimal duct and trickles silently down her cheek.
A tear Jane will never know was there.
Maura slowly reaches out with both hands to gently touch Janes wrists, just so she doesn't give her a surprise. She cups Jane's hands in each of hers and lifts them to her face letting the palms rest there on her cheeks. Jane's long fingers spread between her temple and mandable on both sides while Jane's thumb grazes the arch of her zygomatic bone.
She notices almost immediately the quivering coming from the hands under hers, "It's ok Jane. I promise."
She watches as Jane sighs deeply and relaxes, and then she takes her own hands away.
Jane hasn't opened her eyes yet, and she won't, she will let her hands tell her what her eyes won't.
First the pads of Jane's thumbs run along Maura's cheekbone, back and forth a few times, softly then with more determination as the confidence grows. Then her fingers on her right hand draw across the jawline, searching, checking. The touch so soft, so timid, so tender.
"Soft." Jane says barely under her breath.
Maura holds her breath.
Jane's thumb passes the muscles on the corner of Maura's mouth.
"You aren't smiling."
She lets the corner of her mouth lift causing a subtle indent in her cheek and Jane presses it gently letting her own lips curl up at the edges.
"I always loved your smile." Jane whispers like its a secret.
Maura presses the side of her face into Jane's hand trying to hide her emotions, to press closer instead of running away, to fight against the tears that threaten to fall endlessly. Tears that cannot fix a thing or they would have by now for the sheer amount shed.
"Do you want me to stop?" Jane asks quickly sensing the change she can't quite make sense of.
Maura can't reply because of the globus sensation in her throat and so she presses a gentle kiss onto Jane's palm that is thankfully already covering half her face.
"I'm sorry." The gravelly broken voice penetrates so deep into her heart she cannot hold back a sob.
"No Jane. No. It's not you. I promise. You haven't done anything wrong. This is just...its..."
Jane finally opens her eyes and they are wet and glassy yet blank, cloudy, "A very bad situation." She finishes softly.
Maura studies Jane for a moment while she bites her lip. All expressions now that much harder to read.
A bad situation is an epic understatement.
One Jane isn't even fully aware of yet.
"I am sorry Jane. God I am so sorry this has happened."
The next tear runs between her skin and Jane's palm making Jane painfully aware of it.
"Shhhhhh." Jane commands as she wraps her hand around the back of Maura's neck and pulls her closer, enveloping her in a hug.
The warmth is undeniable. For someone who never much liked to be hugged she feels like she is in heaven.
But even as Maura closes her eyes she can still see Jane's face, imprinted to memory.
The red burn marks across her face, the damaged and broken skin from where the chemical exploded spraying around the room Jane had been in. The burns covered half her forehead, part of one cheek, the tip of the nose, top lip, ear and a few blotches on the other cheek and chin. Also the shoulder and left forearm. She would never look the same again. She would never be the same. The damage had changed the ability Jane had to express herself so easily through expression.
On top of that, the possible permanent blindness as a result of the same event. The bandages that hid Jane's eyes from the world for days on end also hid a possible hope. Until they were removed. All eyes on Jane, blank expression of dull, hazy eyes, stared ahead at the wall.
Gasps followed by watching, waiting, tension beyond words.
Jane took a moment before reaching to her face trying to grasp at something invisible.
"What are you doing Jane?" The doctor asked, concerned she might scratch the damaged skin on her face causing infection.
"Taking off the bandages."
In that moment reality hit hard and shattered their hopes.
Jane couldn't sense light, she couldn't see anything.
Maura buried her face in her hands.
Jane became depressed and refused to engage in discussions revolving around outcomes and diagnosis. And when Maura and Angela discussed skin grafts or plastic surgery with the doctor, Jane would turn away from the group and hum a tune, sometimes even covering her ears.
"It's gonna be fine." Jane whispers against the crown of Maura's head pressing a kiss to her hairline.
Is it? Maura wonders to herself. Things are improving...it could also have been a lot worse.
Three officers had been moving in to catch the perp, they had cleared the front rooms and were moving into the back kitchen when the home-made explosive went off. Jane, out in front had taken the worst hit. According to the officer a few feet behind Jane, Jane didn't drop her gun hand, she screamed for them all to fall back as she stumbled backwards and to her knees. She couldn't comprehend exactly what happened but wanted to protect everyone else.
The other two officers suffered only minor burns, minor enough that they could drag a groaning Jane outside and douse her and themselves in water. Their speedy response had possibly saved Jane's life, but definitely had prevented further damage to tissue and muscle.
SWAT was on scene within five minutes in full gear, raiding the home and capturing the perp.
What Jane hadn't been told was that they were too late to save the hostage, by what amount of time they were late would never be know for definite.
But that wouldn't change the outcome.
Since waking up in hospital, Jane had become subdued, faced with more unknowns than she had encountered before, and unable to distract herself with work, with reading, with television, with anything.
Suddenly forced into the possibility of never being able to see again, facing a reality completely different from anything she had ever known before.
Perhaps Jane was now preparing herself as if she might never see anything again.
Asking questions about sounds that were once very familiar by sight . Her sense of smell already working so much harder. Tasting old foods with a new perspective. Letting her hands be her eyes.
First it had been when she held her mothers hand, her fingers had danced across the skin and pressed in the folds between the knuckles. Angela told her she had examined her first kitten like that, learning all about her small pet by feel, holding it too close and too tight than it liked. Feeling every part of it just to know it.
Then Maura's hand, the same as her own mothers, like it might be a way to tell who was who. Like it was a connection she needed now.
Tracing the heart line onto the head line and back to the life line, pausing at the wrist and then backtracking again. so slowly, so silently, like she was lost in thought.
And Maura would watch, watch Jane's hand and her face, relearning to read her friend like an old book in a new jacket.
And it seemed to keep Jane engaged, less depressed and perhaps a tiny bit hopeful of a future that would be vastly different but not devastating. And so Maura had made a game of it, bringing in interesting things for Jane to examine and guess what they were. Chuckling at the guesses and feeling truly happy inside that Jane was actually enjoying herself.
Until here they were, Jane asking if you can really tell what a person's face looked like by touch alone.
Maura responding softly that perhaps she should try it out and see.
Jane responded with a self conscious grunt and started to twist her hands together nervously. Recognizing that Jane couldn't yet believe it polite to ask 'can I grope your face', Maura offered herself.
Maura didn't remove herself from the hug like she usually would, and that caused Jane to feel slightly uncomfortable.
"Are you hiding because I look that bad?" There was humor in the way she asked but it was mainly to hide the awkwardness inside that had been building.
Last similar joke had Maura defending herself desperately and promising Jane that she didn't look that bad. Her brain cried out that Jane was still just as beautiful, but she knew Jane didn't want to hear that either. But she couldn't give Jane the out she was hoping for.
"I'm not hiding. I'm grateful."
"Grateful?" Jane asks, confusion in her tone.
"Grateful that you are alive."
"Maur..."
Maura tighten her grip and Jane gives her a gentle squeeze then takes in a deep breath, enjoying the warmth and aromas around her. She is almost desensitized to the ammonia hospital smell and can focus on the multiple scents wafting under her nose. Conditioner, face cream, laundry powder, perfume. Familiar smells that make her feel like everything will be ok.
"It's only going to be different. Nothing important will change. I still have my family."
A long pause follows, comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts.
"I don't know how you do it Jane."
"Do what?"
"You always...you block out the negative and see the positive. I've seen so many people in situations like this that are unable to emotionally recover...and so fast."
Jane doesn't reply.
"You are so brave. You always have been. With Hoyt, with Alice Sands, with...your baby...but this, this shows me just how remarkable you really are. That you do push through, that it isn't just a facade."
Jane's grip tightens until it is almost painful for Maura so she pulls away. And when she leans back she can see Jane is emotional. No tears because of the damage around the tear ducts, but she is clearly struggling with something, some part of Maura's words.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart." Maura gushes and reaches her hand to cup the side of Jane's face, "That was insensitive of me. I'm sorry."
"S-okay."
"It will be ok."
"I know." Jane whispers.
Maura watches the way Jane turns her head towards her, like she might still be able to see, like she always did. Jane always saw her, when no-one else did. Jane never used her like other people did.
Jane gives a half grin like she knows Maura is watching, the indents in her cheek popping inwards as if that sort of skin stretching doesn't even hurt right now.
And Maura is overwhelmed by everything and nothing.
"You're beautiful Jane."
Jane scoffs softly like it is an amusing joke, "You are." She quips back like its some sort of response game.
Maura lets her fingertips glide down the side of Jane's cheek, it's bumpy and rough but she can feel Jane relax under the touch, like it's the first time someone has really touched her face since the incident.
Maura decides in that moment she won't stop, she can't stop, she must let Jane feel like everything is normal, that her face is not burned and scarred, that she is still touchable.
Her thumb finds the clef in Jane's chin and then crosses it to the other side stroking the other cheek, the almost uninjured one, and she can feel Jane smile under her touch. Perhaps because of the touch.
And she wishes she would never have to stop.
And Jane's hand finds Maura's cheek again and begins to mirror the movements she feels on her own face. Maura closes her eyes and thinks of the names of bones and muscles under her touch, and taking to into her memory the changes to the tissue on Jane's face.
The supraorbital ridge now naked of eyebrow hair and replaced by bumpy fibrous tissue. The corner of her mouth burnt but healing. The texture of her top lip so different from the bottom. She can still feel the strength under her fingertips, it was the internal strength she had mistakenly believed was something physical in appearance.
She thought Jane's strength was in her height, her bone structure, how she held her jaw, the way she carried herself. But Maura had been mistaken. The outside is just a placeholder, a vessel for what was inside. Gentle and strong. Broken and brave. One because of the other, inseparable.
"You're smiling." Jane whispers.
Suddenly Maura's face drops quickly feeling guilt start to overtake her. She had been subconsciously smiling while she felt and memorized the permanent scarring to her friends face.
Jane can feel the change under her fingertips, and the change in the room.
"It's good Maura. I want you to smile. I want you to be happy."
Maura shakes her head and sighs, forgetting Jane can't see her, "Jane."
Jane tries to look, tries to understand why she feels like she might be about to be scolded.
"I wish you could see you the way I see you Jane. You're remarkable"
"I wish you could see you the way I see you too Maur." Jane says as she leans forward to rest her head against Maura's.
"You can't see me Jane."
"Yes I can. I can always see you."
Maura pulls Jane into a hug, "I know you do. I think you're the only one who does sometimes. I can always see your heart too Jane."
"Yes you do."
Maura thinks back to all those times Jane would switch from being tough and edgy to real and vulnerable with her.
"Kinda crazy how well we know each other huh. How well we compliment each other."
"Hmmm. We are very good together."
"You don't have to worry about me running off with a man now...but part of me hopes you don't find someone and leave me...the other part of me just wants you to be really happy."
Maura pulls away and looks at Jane surprised, she wishes Jane could see her reaction, see that no man would cause Maura to leave Jane. But Jane can't see, she just sits calmly waiting to understand.
Maura can't think which part she wants to respond to first.
"Jane, I have never been so happy in all my life, since meeting you, I feel so...whats the word...complete. And I do worry about you finding someone and leaving me, now just as much as ever. "
"You're too kind Maur."
"You're just blind to how amazing you really are Jane. You need to back yourself. I don't think there is a guy out there worthy of you, but if he exists then he will be the luckiest guy in the world."
"I kinda hope he doesn't exist...because I don't want things to change."
"Change is inevitable."
"You don't have to tell me. I am having to learn how to do everything different."
"Then what are you really afraid of Jane?"
"Something changing between us mostly."
"Why do you think something would change."
Jane starts to play with the hem of her top while Maura tries to read her expression, something that used to be so easy for her.
"Circumstances have changed now."
"It's not changed so much, not really."
"It feels like it has."
Maura reaches out and takes Jane's hand before she ruins the stitching on her top.
"How can I help you to know it won't change?"
Jane sighs, "I don't know."
Maura pulls Jane's hand and places it on her chest against the ribs protecting her beating heart.
"Can you feel that?"
"I..um...can feel your heart beating..."
Maura smiles, finally feeling she is able to express everything she has wanted to for so long, but has always been stopped by something.
"Jane, I don't think it will beat at all if you weren't around."
"You're so soppy."
"I'm being real."
Jane leans forward and rests her face against her hand against Maura's chest.
"Have I really been this blind to how you felt all this time?"
END
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