It's never love

English is not my mother tongue. This is the translation of my own French original version.

Disclaimer : Nothing is mine, universe, characters, etc. belong to J.K. Rowling.

xXxXx

I think it began like that. "It's never love, just sex." One of Sirius Black's great quotes, of course.

Have fun, play, take, break. One smile and the harm done no longer exists. How easy it is to fool the others, how simple ! To corrupt the bodies, corrupt the souls, corrupt the hearts – it's nothing, of course.

A dance that practice and technique have perfected. Like a well-ridden mechanism, the seduction machine never fails.

How many times haven't we told you that you should think about settling down, about stopping that crazy lifestyle? And always, you would laugh and say that "this life is the only worth living for".

And when James tried to put some sense into you, telling you that, one day, you would fall in love and finally stop those foolish games...you would only answer "It's never love, just sex".

Six words. So simple tiny six little words. But they described Sirius Black perfectly.

I was never interested in your victims. I was watching you, from a distance, like one watches a show in a circus. I didn't pity those girls – or maybe I don't anymore. By the way, you never let them expect too much from you.

How kind. A true gentleman.

I was probably the only person who didn't criticize your unorthodox lifestyle. Maybe because I had the same? But our reasons were different.

How could I reveal that I was a werewolf? And how could I have a lasting and healthy relationship denying this fact?

Because I had an excuse for my lies, was I less guilty? Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. In James' opinion, it made all the difference. Not in yours.

"You think the same way I do, Moony. You just don't want to admit it, Mr. Perfect."

And always, I would only smile in response, without adding any word to your statement.

Were we so alike? I don't think so. But, after all, one could have anyone believe anything.

Were you the one who began this joke? I suppose you were. Why didn't I strongly oppose to it? I don't know. Maybe because I didn't think it was important. Maybe I was wrong.

I must admit that on one day when we were meeting between Marauders, when James asked us if it was true we were together...I couldn't react.

I wanted to laugh. And, in the meantime, I was too astonished to answer anything.

How could James believe such nonsense? How could such an idea – a so ridiculous idea – became implanted in his mind?

But I didn't have the time to deny. You were already laughing and answering "You know, Jamesie, it's never love" with a smile that was both amused and mysterious.

But we know what follows all too well.

I never had the opportunity to deny that absurd supposition. Our blatant lack of a steady relationship, our friendship that James had always found special and your more than ambiguous sexuality got the better of the truth.

Oh, of course, we've never been tagged as a "couple". And James never dared to speak clearly about that horrible joke of which he didn't know the forgery. But the glances he gave to us spoke for him.

Once, I caught him taking you apart to give you a lecture : "I know you both don't like commitment but...fuck, Sirius ! You can't do that to Rem, it's not fair that you still date others while being with him !"

You only smiled and answered, in a whisper : "But who told you that this lifestyle doesn't suit us, Jay?"

And then you saw me arrive and exclaimed : "Oy Moony, there you are! And here we thought that we would be forced to eat a cold meal...my stomach thanks you!". You hugged me and lead me to the sitting-room, without a glance towards James that glared at us, worry and disapproval clear in his eyes.

We shouldn't have lied to him. But, all things considered, were we really lying? We let his imagination wander and didn't deny his doubts.

Perhaps to some people, it would be tantamount to lying. To you, it wasn't. To me? Probably not, too.

We never talked about this absolute conviction rooted deep inside James' mind. We never talked about that lie that wasn't really one. We both knew the truth, wasn't that enough?

No, of course, it wasn't enough.

James and Lily died without ever knowing the truth. You were sent in prison. I was suspected of being a criminal. And people believed we were lovers.

My denial was believed to be an attempt to distant myself from your crimes. Judges wanted me imprisoned, with you. How could I prove that we had never been a couple? How much weight had the word of a werewolf against the firm conviction of James and the little neighbourhood he had infected with the idea, without my knowing?

Little by little, I began to hate you and blame you. Why had you fooled your best friend? Why had you let him believe such nonsense? Why?

I suffered from your foolish games. I was Remus-Lupin-lover-of-Sirius-Black. And it was totally false.

But in the back of my head, a pernicious voice whispered then why didn't you deny it at first?

And always I was rendered speechless at that question.

I had never thought it would be important. Just that. Simply that.

What a mistake.

I never sought the reasons of this lie. The dead, the war, the misery made me forget this absurdity. I didn't want you in my life anymore, Black. You were a criminal, not a friend. I had erased you from my memory.

Yet, many years later, as you were sitting in my cottage – all skin and bones, so far from the attractive young man you were before –, back after thirteen years on the run; I asked you the question. A phantom of your smile "made in Sirius Black" appeared and you only answered:

"It's never love."

Music : albums Rest In Sleaze and The Unattractive Revolution – Crashdïet, 13-14 February 2011

As I was re-reading my OS "Ce n'est qu'un jeu" ("It's only a game" in English), I had this idea. The idea in itself is an old old one. But I love plots based on ambiguous "relation" (in French, "relation" can apply to both friendship and relationship) and I wanted to write a new story about that. Never really love but always a game (Ce n'est qu'un jeu/Je ne serai pas ton jouet : "It's only a game/I won't be your toy"), an experiment (Le goût de l'interdit : "The taste of forbbiden"...which has been translated into English by noir-keller). I didn't have an well-defined idea. I only began with that simple idea of a title "It's never love, just sex" (finally reduced to the first part only)..and I wrote.

Like I already said above, English isn't my mother tongue, I usually write in French and this is the translation of my French original version. I hope I did okay. Feel free to tell me my mistakes, I know my English is far from perfect =)

Sorn