A/N: Hello peoples. This is my second Death Note fic, and it is (considerably) longer then my last one. I hope you like it. It's a present for dear Light's 25th birthday, and what better gift to give to Kira then the gift of absolute irritation?
Disclaimer: Death Note is not mine. Read this, and you will understand.
"Bad Romance" © Lady Gaga.
Gaga Lullaby
L was bored.
The statement was ludicrous. He was the world's greatest detective- strike that- the world's three greatest detectives. He was wealthy beyond all measure. He had a mind to rival all of mankind's' greatest scholars-combined. And he was currently in the midst of investing history's most cunning and ruthless serial killer. Bored should not even be part of his vocabulary.
And yet, L found himself contemplating introducing his forehead to surface of his desk.
Just for a change of atmosphere.
The detective's spindly fingers twitched uselessly over the keyboard in front of him, wanting to move, to do something. L wanted to be able to focus. He wanted to open the door to that well-loved province of his mind that whirled with numbers and data and solid facts, full with the pieces of a disjointed puzzle which he could pick and prod and piece back together.
Unfortunately, someone seemed to have walled off that oasis with ten, 30-inch thick concrete walls divided by solid titanium plates.
It was infuriating.
L felt like sighing. Felt being the central word. He would not sigh because the action solved nothing and, besides, he was L. L did not sigh, even when his brilliant brain had seemingly been replaced with white noise.
The desk was looking more appealing by the minute.
It was not like L to give up, and, certainly, that thought had not yet crossed his mind. Yet, he couldn't deny the fact that progress on the Kira case had been ridiculously slow. He'd always prided himself on his ability to solve seemingly impossible cases with a precision and speed unmatched by any other in his specialty. Indeed, he was 99.85% sure he had made more progress on the Kira case than any other person ever could.
Still, that did not ease his irritation with the pace at which the investigation was currently going. It was as though he was attempting to run race through mud up past his knees and a thousand pounds worth of sandbags strapped to his back.
One-legged.
Ever since he had taken Light into custody and the boy had undergone a radical personality change, the killings had ceased. The investigation had slowed from warp speed to sluggish ooze. A Matsuda pace.
There was nothing to investigate.
His two prime suspects had suddenly become two of the most unlikely people to ever commit murder. The personality changes were suspicious to be sure, but there wasn't anything that L could actually investigate. (Especially seeing as not everyone on the Task Force even believed the two to have changed at all).
And sure, L had many theories as to why both Misa and Light had suffered amnesia. He suspected that their minds might have cracked under the stress of incarceration, though the change had happened so abruptly that that option didn't seem very likely. And when he had asked Light (very politely) if he might scan the boy's brain for any evidence of a minor aneurism, he'd had to dodge a piece of cake which was unceremoniously lobbed at his head. (He'd countered by raising Light's Kira percentage, and received a sharp jab to the jaw as response. L was not amused)
So with the investigation at a complete standstill and absolutely no leads coming in to reinvigorate it, L turned to his only available source of entertain: Light watching.
He'd taken to watching the boy quite closely since they'd been bound together, writing it off to anyone who asked as part of the investigation. Light was still the prime suspect after all.
But truly, his observations stemmed not from a need to add more proof to his pile of (practically nonexistent) evidence against Light, but from simple human curiosity.
Light was fascinating.
L had often taken to "people watching", as the laymen put it, whenever he found himself in a public setting (which is to say, hardly ever). Still, he had always tired quickly of the rather mundane actions of normal everyday people. He wanted something interesting. Something different.
And Light was just that.
L had never really met any other human being of the same caliber of intelligence as himself. There had been times when he interacted with the other children of Whammy's House, but even those so-called geniuses seemed slow to him. Light, however, was different. Not only could he match L in both mind and body (their fist fight from earlier proving the latter), but unlike L and the other socially inept geniuses he'd met, Light was actually- dare he say it- normal.
The boy had been raised in an average, middle-class family setting. He knew how to talk and interact with other average people (even if he didn't always enjoy their company). He knew what it meant to have friends (albeit not close ones). He was attractive. He was popular. He knew how to manipulate with a smile and show humility while still reeking of self-confidence. He knew himself to be above ordinary beings, and yet did not lose his mind when trying to hold a conversation with one.
Light was (or at least knew how to act) normal. He was a genius with a social contract.
And L was fascinated.
He watched Light now, the boy leaning forward in his chair, his golden eyes glued to the computer screen before him as he shifted through endless amounts of useless information, trying to find something relevant to the investigation.
Light's auburn locks was slightly disheveled, most likely product of his fingers running through his hair in irritation or exasperation at the total lack of fruit for his labor. Besides his hair however, everything else about the boy was immaculate. His shirt and tie were still flat and fresh looking, despite having been on his person for several hours. His eyes still appeared bright and energetic, matching the swift movement of his fingers across the keyboard. He hadn't spilled a single crumb on himself from the piece of cake L had (quite selflessly) shared with him earlier. His pants weren't even creased.
It was quite amazing.
L often wondered if Light's extreme need for physical perfection stemmed from some undiagnosed form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or if it was simply impossible to (for lack of a better word) "mess him up".
He'd known other prodigies to have strange quirks (his own peculiar way of sitting and holding objects was testament to that), but he did not know if Light's behavior was hereditary or learned. Perhaps it was another form of manipulation. Neurotic cleanliness did make one appear more professional, and Light, being the king of manipulation, was bound to know that.
L pondered flicking a couple of grapes at Light's head from the small fruit tray Watari had left him, just to see how the boy would react. He thought better of it when he noticed the pie sitting next to Light hand.
It is quite difficult to remove pie from one's hair.
Still, he needed to do something to test Light's perfection. He needed to gauge the boy's reaction for both the case and his insatiable curiosity. How did Light react to provocation? Did his mind behave in the same way as the children at Whammy's House, or did his upbringing affect his response to stimuli? Figuring out the conundrum might even give L further insight to his own odd behavior.
Besides, it would be funny.
Deciding on a course of action for his experiment, L turned to Light and said, politely "Light-kun, I hope you do not mind, but I wish to listen to some music while we investigate. I find that it helps my brain to better process my thoughts, don't you?"
Light didn't even look up from his screen. "Do as you wish Ryuzaki."
Smiling (on the inside), L quickly pulled up the proper website on his computer and started the first song. "The artist is rather famous in America. I do not know whether or not her work has been featured in Japan. Perhaps you recognize this song, Light-kun?" L said as the music began to sing (loudly) through his speakers.
"Rah, rah ,ah, ah, ah
Roma, roma ,ma
Gaga, ooh la, la
Want your bad romance."
Light's nose wrinkled in distaste. "I can't say that I have."
"Really? Well, perhaps I should help you become better acquainted with it."
And so it began.
Light was changing into his night clothes, L having temporarily removed the handcuffs so that he might change though situating him behind a paper screen where his outline was still clearly visible.
"Remember that any suspicious activity will send you straight back to solitary confinement," L had said before unlocking the cuffs. "There are about 67 different angles at which you may turn to hide your actions from me. Do not bother with any of them. I have them memorized."
Light sighed as he slid a silk shirt over his head. The entire day had been a waste. Not only had they not managed to obtain a single shred of useful data from their search, but L had insisted on blasting his ridiculous music for hours.
None of the other Task Force members had mentioned it, chalking it up to another one of L's interesting/irritating quirks. (Matsuda had even starting dancing). But the pounding beat and redundant lyrics had battered Light's brain into a near comma. He could barely see from the blood pounding behind his eyes.
He groaned, running a hand over his face as he stepped out from behind the screen, barely noticing as L reattached the cuffs. He wandered zombie-like through the rest of the nightly activities, letting his mind wander as he brushed his hair and teeth.
L tugged him over to the two twin beds at the opposite end of the room, situated about three feet apart so as not to stress the chain and still to allow both boys a modicum of comfort.
Light felt his subconscious slowly lulling him into its depths, and he welcomed it with open arms.
He was slipping, further and further into a state of blissful release. His mind was serenading him with the tendrils of slumber, whispering the soft melody of…
"I want your horror, I want your disease
I want your everything as long as its free
I want your love
Love, love ,love
I want your love"
Light groaned, rolling over and burying his face into his pillow.
L looked up from the computer he had perched precariously in his lap to peer curiously at him. "Is everything alright Light-kun?"
The only response he received was an unintelligible groan.
L smirked, switching on the sound on his laptop and allowing the song he had already started to reverberate through the room.
"I want your drama, the touch of your hand
I want your leather studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love
(Love, love, love, I want your love)"
Light sat straight up in bed, his eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Ryuzaki…" he growled out from between clenched teeth. "Would you turn that commercial pop-garbage off?!"
L huffed in mock-indigence. "Light-kun is being particularly rude this evening," he told the wall, his eyes blank but his tone one of irritation. "I do not like him when he is grumpy."
"I am not grumpy!" Light hissed, his fists clenching in the bed sheets, his tone murderous.
The turned away from L, his eyelids scrunched up and his teeth grinding together. Light took a calming breath, and it was as if he were an overinflated balloon which was rapidly being deflated. L watched raptly as his fingers unwound themselves and his jaw relaxed (at least to the point where his tongue no longer seemed endanger of being severed).
"It is just that I am trying to sleep. Perhaps you are unaware, but it is rude to keep someone from their rest, particularly if that person happens to be a friend," Light's golden gaze connected with L's blank stare, his eyes full of a completely-false and completely –believable sadness. "Do you not see me as a friend, Ryuzaki?"
L was deeply impressed. Not only had Light managed to calm his own temper within a span of a few seconds, but he'd also manipulated the rather petty argument into deeper waters. L could not continue down the childish course they had started out on without making it seem as though he did not care for the other boy.
Very impressive.
"Of course, I consider Light-kun to be my first and only friend," L replied, matching Light's earnest stare with a small smile. "I apologize. It was quite rude of me to play my music so loudly while you attempted to rest. I will not do so in the future. Please forgive me."
"Of course," Light replied with that devilishly charming smile of his. "Goodnight, Ryuzaki."
It took Light only a few minutes to drift back to sleep, at which point L immediately turned the volume back up.
"I want your love, and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love, and all your love is revenge
You and me could write a bad romance."
Light twitched feverously in his sleep. His eyebrows constantly knotted and unknotted as though they were possessed. His lips trembled slightly, and L could swear the boy was whimpering.
It wasn't long before L's prime suspect was thrashing about like a fish out of water. His limbs were soon bound by the bed sheets, as his head twisted violently from side to side.
"No…" he croaked. "No more…"
L chuckled to himself. It was hilarious.
Until Light jerked him off his bed with a violent thrash.
"You know that I want you, And you know that I need you, I want it bad, bad romance."
"Excuse me? What was that Light-kun?"
"NOTHING! Nothing at all, Ryuzaki!"
"It sounded like you were sing-"
"Well I wasn't!"
"Are you sure you are feeling well? Your face is quite red."
"I want your horror I want your design
'Cause you're a criminal as long as your mine
I want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love."
"I find these lyrics to have quite a symbolic meaning."
"…"
"They seem to pertain quite well to the situation at hand, besides the obvious declarations of love, don't you agree?"
"Shut-up, Ryuzaki."
"I want your psycho, your vertical stick
Want you in my rear window, baby, you're sick
I want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love."
"Do we really have to listen to this right now?"
"I don't see why not. "
"We're in the bathroom."
"Yes and the acoustics work extremely well in here."
"You know that I want you, And you know that I need you ('Cause I'm a freak baby), I want it bad, bad romance."
"I quite agree, Matsuda is a freak, and his singing voice is frankly terrible."
"Then why won't you just turn the song off?"
"Because, terrible singer or no, drunk Matsuda is entertaining."
"…Whatever…just please tell him to put his pants back on."
"As you wish, Light-kun."
"I want your love, and I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love, and all your love is revenge
You and me could write a bad romance."
"What the hell is this song even about? It makes no logical sense!"
"Obviously Light-kun, Miss Gaga has a deep sense of affection for this mystery person she is singing to. I suspect it is mainly a lustful sort of attraction, judging by her use of the phrase "bad romance". It would imply that she is not partaking in a relationship with this person for very long. Though, this song could also be betraying a sense of rejected longing. Rather than using 'I want your love' to convey some kind of fey physical desire, perhaps she is bemoaning a rebuff from one whom she loves. "
"… It was a rhetorical question."
"I am aware of that. I simply chose to answer it."
"Rah, rah ,ah, ah, ah
Roma, roma ,ma
Gaga, ooh la, la"
Want your bad romance."
"Fifty-two hours…"
"What was that?"
"FIFTY-TWO HOURS, Ryuzaki."
"I do not understand. To what might Light-kun be referring?"
Light was trembling, or at least his back was, as that was all L could see of him at the moment. The boy's shoulders were tensed. He didn't appear to be breathing.
"You have been playing that incessant nonsense in my ears for FIFTY-TWO HOURS!" Light screeched, suddenly whipping around to glare at L with blood shot eyes.
His usually pristine face was scruffy, the ghost of a shadow along his jaw. The bags that hung heavily beneath Light's eyelids were almost as dark as the circles under L's. His teeth had a yellowish tint to them, and his nostrils were flared to bull-like proportions.
"Has it really been that long?" L said thoughtfully, feigning ignorance. "I had not realized. As I said before, I like this song."
"The hell you do!" Light cried, actually standing up as his fury overtook him. His brows were knitted, his fists were clenched. He looked quite monstrous.
L thought the look suited him quite well.
"There is no need for foul language." L started, but Light ignored him.
"This song doesn't even make any sense!" Light was gesticulating wilding, throwing his arms about as though trying to swat away invisible insects.
"I already told you-"
"I don't mean your lame-ass explanation!" Light hissed, and L allowed his eyes to soften as though he were hurt.
"That is not a very kind way to speak of a friend's opinion." L pouted, or at least attempted to pout, (He didn't quite know how to do it, so it looked more grimace).
"To hell with your opinion!" Light was pacing about frantically, only turning about when he felt the chain pull taught against his wrist.
"These past few days have been torture, Ryuzaki! You never stop playing that damn music, and it's driving me insane!"
"Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it, move that bitch, crazy
Walk, walk passion baby
Work it, I'm a freak baby"
"I mean what the hell is that!" Light was gesturing empathetically towards the speakers from which the music was issuing. "It's doesn't even make any sense! What does fashion and walking have to do with loving someone! She is a freak! She's a crazy bitch!"
"I don't think Miss Gaga ever denies that." L muttered. "Actually I believe one the lyrics is 'I'm a crazy bitch'."
So great was Light's anger, that he wasn't even phased by L's use of a curse word.
"I want your love, and I want your revenge
I want your love, I don't wanna be friends
Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revanche
Je veux ton amour, I don't wanna be friends"
"And why in the hell does she suddenly start speaking French !" Light was wild, feral.
Entertaining
"How the hell are we supposed to know what she's saying?"
"Well, it translates to 'I want your-'"
"Shut your mouth Ryuzaki before I shut it for you."
"Is that a threat, Light-kun?"
"It just might be."
"Well then, if that is the case."
L reached down and revved up the volume just as the lyrics screeched:
"I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS"
"I NEVER WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Light's shouting was barely audible over the blast of the stereo system. His face a blotching and bloated, a ripe red like the flesh of an apple.
L almost laughed. He had been right, nothing was more entertaining than this.
"TURN THAT BRAINLESS NOISE DOWN RIGHT NOW, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Suddenly the entire room was deathly quiet. L had cut off the music and was gazing up at Light with a look of upmost triumph.
It seemed as though they were making some headway on the case after all.
"No normal human would wish death upon me, at least that is, not without knowing my true identity. Only Kira would want to kill L, and since you know that I am L and you have just threatened my life, I can only come to one conclusion: Kira percentage up by ten percent," he told Light with a grin.
He easily dodged the chair lobbed at his head.
"15%"
It looks could kill, then L would be a dead man walking.
"Chief."
"Yes Matsuda?"
"I think something is wrong with Light and L."
"What is it?"
"Well…they've been in that room for a long time now. There's a lot of banging and grunting noises coming from inside. The door's locked, so I couldn't get in to see…do you think they're fighting?"
"…"
"Chief, are you alright?"
"…Fine Matsuda… just a little nauseous."
"Caught in a bad romance"
A/N: Ah, poor Chief Yagami...little Matusda was right, but your dirty little mind automatically jumped to conclusions *shakes head* I hope you enjoyed that...or even understood it. -_-" I don't have anything against Gaga, but I think this song is rather rediculous and, besides, what better way to torment Light on his b-day. ^^ Please Review.