Title: Hével
Summary: The merest of breath, the person she could always watch but never touch. To Natasha, that was what Steve had always been. She's just glad he never knew.
Warning: Spoilers ahead for Avengers: Endgame movie.
Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel or any of its characters.
…..
Natasha swallowed down the feeling of trepidation rising up from her gut.
They were actually doing this, they were going to face Thanos again.
The mere name of the purple giant made her gut wrench in this unrelenting mix of fear and hatred. An emotion she'd come in acquaintance with since she'd joined shield.
She'd lost so much, and for many parts of her life, she thought she'd never feel again. But here she was, strapped unto an alien ship in pursuit of a giant psychotic murderer to avenge those who were lost.
To hopefully bring back the loved ones that vanished.
Her loved ones.
Wanda, Vision, Sam, T'challa….
Heck, she isn't even sure if Clint was alive.
And to be frank, she doesn't want to know.
For now, at least.
She just wants to focus on this mission. To focus on finding that effin son of a female dog and hopefully regain what they've lost.
They owe it to all who vanished after all.
Then it clicked to her.
If someone had told Natasha years ago that she'd eventually end up as the optimist in the team, she would've scoffed at the messenger before slicing his neck clean.
But here she was, clinging unto the hope that they'd eventually save the day.
I mean, she never even thought taking raccoons were a thing in outer space, so defeating a giant raising wouldn't be too farfetched, right?
Shifting in her seat, Natasha's gaze landed on the man beside her.
Steve.
The very person who'd infected her with this idealistic, uh, idea that everything would somehow turn out fine. That if they found Thanos, kill that wrinkled prick, get the stones and snap the other half of the universe population back, then everything would go back to what they were.
It sounds too sickly dreamy to the former realist within her, but Natasha couldn't afford to feel hopeless.
She couldn't afford to give up now, not when most of her family had died trying.
So even if a huge part of her feels repulsed at the idea that the fossil to her left had rubbed the optimist out of him to her, then she'd gladly go on with it.
It's not like it's the worst thing that ever happened to her life, right?
I mean, she did just lose half of the people she'd grown to love with a snap, so what could go wrong?
Her attention was then caught by the small vintage compass placed dearly in her friend's hand.
The black and white picture on the circular frame mocked her.
"Too soon." She thinks.
She smiled nonetheless, reaching a hand to touch his before stopping midway.
Natasha had tried. God, she did.
But the object of her attentions obviously doesn't need it. And with everything's that happened, Natasha didn't want another tragedy to break her heart.
She might want Steve, but it's obvious that the latter didn't want her.
He left his heart in the past, and it died along his beloved when Peggy Carter passed on.
Swallowing the bile that kept rising up her throat, she sighed.
Life had already given her a second chance, she won't ask for more.
…..
Feeling the grease on her hair, Natasha scowled.
She glared at the uneven coloring, her mind reeling with suggestions of how badly she needs a haircut. It had been five years after all and she hasn't had a decent make over in years.
Not that she truly needs one, anyway.
The snapped must've wiped half of her hair growing hormones off, judging from the rate it grew, but that's the least of her problems now.
She has a meeting to prepare to.
A few hours later, she felt drained.
Hearing about Clint had shattered the remaining pieces of her heart, if there even is something left.
The tears just went down, her chest heaving from the pain.
Then she heard his voice.
Steve stood a few meters away from her seat, looking like the hot piece of ass that he was.
Anytime in the past, she would've thrown a knife in his direction for interrupting her moment, but years of grieving with him had taught her that it was his way of helping.
They were the same after all.
The man who always had a plan was just as empty as her.
And like they'd say, you can't fill an empty cup with another empty cup. Unless said empty cup rip's itself apart, that is.
But even those wouldn't be able fill the other cup to its brim. The shattered parts might fill some of the space, but even it would leave gaps in between pieces.
The sentiment had been her guiding light for the past five years.
The Black Widows was certainly no selfless person to begin with, but she wasn't as selfish either.
She wasn't like Tony, who'd finally had the balls to knock up Pepper and start a life.
No.
She was a woman who's already been blessed once and had been contented with the sort of family she'd been fortunate to have, even if it had been short lived.
The past to her was enough, and she'd remain stuck to it if it the other alternative was moving on.
A woman like her doesn't deserve a third chance, not when her best friend had apparently lost his, or when she could potentially lose the only person left giving her hope because really?
What chance does she have against a woman who'd snared her affection's heart for more than seventy years?
And they never even dated!
Steve had been her pillar, the only reason why she hadn't gone rouge like Clint.
She can't lose him, especially because she knows she doesn't even deserve him.
So when she whispered for him to get a life first, she meant it.
Even if he hadn't asked, Natasha had given her loyalty to him…
Had given the remaining parts of her heart to him.
If for some sick reality he does reciprocate, she doesn't even think she'd be able to go on.
Like she said, Natasha would just be breaking her already empty self to fill his.
And she knows it would never be enough.
The sadder part is.
He'd probably do the same.
And it would just wreck her more.
….
The red head couldn't help the grin on her face.
In some twisted way, her family was whole again.
It was like a sick, sick dream, one that she knows had been impossible just a few weeks ago yet here they were now.
She'd hoped and prayed for this moment to come, never truly believing, but a part of her knew it was inevitable.
So she basked in each moment of it, relished every hour as they planned their grand time heist.
All the while thinking that maybe, just maybe, this could mean there was hope after all?
Her eyes trained on the sleeping figure on the couch, memorizing each feature from the thinness of his lips to the ends of his pale gold hair.
"Careful spider, or that look will convince me to forgive you for betraying me back then." Tony playful jab startled her from her thoughts.
Natasha scoffed, albeit in her no-nonsense kind of way.
"You know…"
"I don't, Tony and I don't want to know."
She left the room, entering the adjacent pantry before helping herself for a glass of water.
Footsteps followed her.
Tony leaned by the wooden frame of the entrance, arms crossed with this condescending look that had always secretly annoyed the hell out of her.
"I've been rooting for you guys since day one."
Natasha could only choke in response.
"Really, I mean, 'The soldier and the spy!' wouldn't that make for a good love story."
He waved his hand dramatically to prove his point, ignoring the gagging woman slouched over the stainless sink of his pantry.
"Yeah, right." Natasha bit back in between heaves.
"Why? Is it because of your past? I may not know the guy much, but Steve isn't one to judge one's-"
"Cut it Tony."
Natasha turned to face the inventor, wiping the corner of her lips by the back of her hand.
She sighed, defeated. "I don't want it, don't need it."
She gave his shoulder a good, cautionary shove before exiting the pantry.
"I thought I didn't deserve one either, a family I mean…"
Natasha left before she could hear more of his statement.
Tony was a jerk, but he deserves what he have right now.
She, in a million ways, doesn't.
She'd be asking too much, and the last time she did, her family broke apart and half of the universe went extinct.
She'd be living the happy ending to his.
…..
"See you in a minute."
She scoffed. Of all the last things she could've said to Steve before they went back it time, it was a promise to return. If she'd just known she'd be dying a few hours later, Natasha could've said some snarky thing about his ass or suggested a few of her personal favorite movies for him to watch.
She didn't want him or anyone expecting that she'd come back.
If only she'd known.
As she watch the image of her best friend grow smaller and smaller.
Natasha could only wonder how her life could've end up if she'd said I love you to Steve.
James Rogers would've been a nice name to their kid, wouldn't it?
Who knows, maybe he'd even have a mixture of their hair color if he'd been born.
Pink. No. Salmon.
Natasha loves Japanese food.
Maybe, he'd like it too.
The pain lasted for a bit before everything went black.
The last thought in her mind echoed.
"At least he never knew."
To her, that was enough.
…..
Authors Note: Wrote and posted this on a whim after watching Endgame, my head is pounding from all the crying I did in the cinema, and I'm pretty certain they were a lot of typos and grammatical errors within this fic, but I honestly don't care! I just want to get all these feels out of my system! Romanogers was what hooked me in this cinematic universe, and to see one die tragically while the other move on scarred me emotionally! Natasha's death was just so... brutal! I mean, Tony's death was sad, but at least he saw half of the population restored and left with no regrets and what ifs. Black Widow on the other hand just threw her life away without even seeing her hard work come to fruition! Still, I love this movie and is very thankful for the people who made it possible.
Still...
What about James Rogers?!
I was truly hoping he'd exist in the cinematic universe... :'(
….
Bonus:
"I get it your dead too, then?" Gamora studies the red haired woman before her.
They were both leaning on one of the soul world's lone structure's column. Legs and feet stretched upon the glass like water reflecting their forms.
"That obvious, huh?" Natasha smirked, nodding to the other occupant of this red basked world they were trapped in.
Gamora smiled, her appearance that of her older self as she take in the comfort of another soul sharing her burden.
"You think they succeeded?" She whispered, filling in the silence between them.
The red head smiled genuinely. Rocket and Nebula had told her plenty things about the woman before her.
Gamora was loved, she'd clearly seen that from what remained of her family.
Clearing her throat, she replied.
"I know they would."
Then she closed her eyes.
Somehow, she knows it's true.