"Will you forgive me for not being able to wake you up from now on, Fate-chan?"
Fate muffled her sobs as hard as she could and tightened her beloved against her.
"Don't do anything stupid. I know that someday, in another place, in another time, in another life we'll meet again. We are one and you are my beautiful soulmate, but for now..." She coughed heavily as she tried to get more air in her lungs.
"No...please, I can't..."
"Yes you will. Vivio will need you more than ever, and I know you'll be there for her. She's more like you than you think. I'm glad she has Einhart too, she's good for her and sometimes they remind me of you and me when we were their age." She paused and took a couple of breaths before going on. The only thing she wished for would have been not to cause Fate this pain. That would be her only regret. "We both knew this would happen eventually."
"Not so soon. I'll hate you if you leave me."
Nanoha managed a genuine smile. She knew better than that.
"Then I'll love you enough for the both of us."
Fate hid her face in Nanoha's hair. She needed to smell her, to fill every fiber of her senses with her.
"I could never hate you, but it's just... this can't be happening... I...", and lacking for better words she did the only thing she knew. Reaching her lips with hers, she kissed them softly. One kiss, two kisses. Three. Four. Trying to get one more, not knowing which one would be the last one. Certain that the moment for the last one was upon them.
Fate caressed Nanoha's face, cleaning with her thumb the dirt and dry blood staining her beautiful face.
"I don't think I have any strength in me left." Nanoha sighed, and almost in a whisper, continued. "Would you hold me, Fate-chan and take me to the skies one last time?"
She could never deny her anything, least of all this moment. Nanoha looked so vulnerable.
"It's going to be cold."
"I know, but you'll be there with me."
The pain ripping in her chest was so real it burned, but she had to be strong for the both of them. With one hand she untied her white cape and still holding her with her other arm, she wrapped Nanoha with it.
"It's not much..."
"Did I ever tell you how handsome you look with it?"
Fate shook her head. She wasn't sure she would be able to get any syllable out, as the mixed emotions of love and fear entangled her throat.
"I'm sorry, twenty years and I think I missed saying a lot of things..."
"Shhh... You said the ones that mattered the most. I will always, always love you."
She felt Nanoha resting limply in her arms and holding her dearly she drifted into the eternal blue, closer and closer into the clouds. Higher as ever, not as fast as she could, as if less speeding would somehow mean time would slow down.
Fate finally suspended mid-air. If she flew higher, both of them would have even more trouble breathing. She closed her eyes and held her, as she couldn't think of anything else. The moment she feared the most was happening and there was nothing she could do. Powerless. Afraid. Numb.
The warmth of Fate's body around her was not going to be enough this time. There was no pain anymore though, just an unusual sense of tranquility.
Nanoha commanded Raging Heart's release, and the shiny sphere fell into her hand.
"Thank you, Raging Heart."
"It was my honor, Master."
Nanoha reached for Fate's hand and placed her hand on top of hers with her unconditional partner between them.
"Promise me you will take care of yourself."
Nanoha withdrew her hand leaving Raging Heart safely in Fate's grasp.
Burgundy eyes met with the reflection of the skyblue in hers.
"I promise you", and sealed that promise with the one last kiss.
The one Fate would take for the rest of her life and the one that left Nanoha with a smile to welcome her own fate.
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
She still slept sitting properly, arms only way she knew to stay alert and to be prepared. The faint sound of distressed cries attracted her attention. Fate was having a nightmare again. She knew Fate had cried herself to sleep the same way she had for the past weeks. During the days she would pick herself up and live her life as normal as normal could get. One more thing to admire about her. And yet, at night she would fall into pieces again and again. She had barely slept for half of an hour before being immersed in her nightmares.
The shrieks coming from inside Fate's room increased and before they could get any worse, Signum hurried to her room.
Placing her hand in her forehead she felt the cold sweat.
"Hey, Tes-Testarossa, wake up."
It was a bad one. She could see her mumbling and twitching around.
"Wake up!"
Fate opened her eyes abruptly and breathed in deeply. Her heart was throbbing and her clothes felt damp with sweat. She ran her fingers through her hair trying to understand where she was.
Reality sank in after a few seconds.
Waking up from one nightmare into another.
It broke Signum's heart to see Fate hurting like that. It wasn't in her nature to comfort people, but this time it was different. She sat closer to her and...hugged her. It felt awkward, but if that's what had to be done, then it had to be done. She didn't expect Fate to break into tears at the mere contact, but that was the outcome.
"I miss her so much."
"I know."
"I'm so angry, I don't know what to do with my life, if this is called a life...I..."
"Your nightmares are getting worse, I really think you should consider living somewhere else, at least for a while..."
"I can't leave. It's painful, I know. It's like there are claws crushing my heart and thorns piercing through my lungs so hard I can't breathe... it's like sleeping on a bed made of sharp rusty nails ripping my skin...but it's just that... the sheets, our pillows...they still smell like Nanoha. I couldn't leave. We made love in this bed, it's where we shared our dreams together, our fears..."
Minutes passed and pink-haired warrior could only offer her shoulder to the shuddering blonde beside her.
"Cherish it as that then. The place to find refuge, not the place to be tormented in."
They stayed like that, Signum doing her best to comfort her. It turned out it wasn't that difficult, after all she did care about her. A lot.
"I've noticed Vita is having a rough time too. I never thought she'd feel that way about her..." Fate broke the silence.
"Neither of you had any way of knowing. It turns out pain is harder to conceal than love. Master Hayate should have never encouraged in us such feeling capabilities."
Signum was suprised that even though it seemed Fate was deeply buried in her own pain, she was also concerned about the others enough to notice.
"I think it's the greatest thing she could ever give you... even if it turns to be painful. At the end it's the heart who decides, but I think it's better to have loved than to never have loved at all. Because the things that matter, we do them out of love. All kinds of love."
"You might be right. Besides it's not Nanoha's fault that she would cause so many people to crush on her."
"I guess it was in her nature. She had, no... she has a warm soul. With her mere presence people would feel safe around her." Fate sighed. "Wait, so many people?"
"You never noticed?"
"No..."
"She never mentioned anything either?"
"Nothing at all."
"Actually I'm not surprised. You both found in each other's eyes everything you needed. No wonder you never realized what was happening on the outside world."
Fate hadn't smiled in a long time. It was a smile full of tears, but a smile anyways.
"Yes, she is all I ever needed. So much more."
"Are you feeling any better?"
"No, the pain isn't gone and I know it never will. But it gets easier to breathe each day. Thank you, Signum. Everyone has been so afraid of even mentioning her name in my presence, thinking I'll crumble down in a second. It's nice to talk about her with someone else outside my own mind and my own memories."
"I thought you needed something like that."
"Indeed, thanks," Fate said, cleaning up her face from the dry tears. Somewhere along their conversation she had stopped crying. "Thank you, really."
"No need to thank me. The way I see it I'll always be your Lightning 2, it's my duty to watch over you."
Fate knew there was something else in that look...
Just the way Vita felt about Nanoha? Why would you? But I could never... for me it is impossible...
There was an implicit understanding between wretched red and somber green.
It is impossible..and yet, for best or worst at least you are still alive...
The pain of the loss.
The pain of the impossible to reach.
The impossible to have, each in their own way.
"I'll be on the living room if you need anything else."
Fate almost asked her to stay here with her, a brief second of hesitation and weakness. She didn't want to be alone even if she would still be lonely. She watched the pinkhaired as she closed the door behind her.
It's better this way.
Alone again, Fate sat up in their bed.
She pulled the sheets of their bed closer and breathed in.
She could smell her.
She could see her.
She could hear her.
She could taste her.
She couldn't touch her.
She would long for that touch until her last breath.
Fate got out of bed, and stripping herself from her clothes, draped herself in the sheets. She walked towards the window of their bedroom and opened it. A soft cold breeze ruffled her hair. The night sky was full of stars. Fate watched them all and finally rested her eyes in the one Nanoha would always say was her favorite. The one she had once confessed was the one she looked at when she, Fate, would be far away stationed in space and would be thinking about her.
"For the meantime, I know I will be able to see you in my dreams. If for every time I get to see you I have to go through a thousand nightmares, then so be it. At the end I know I'll find you, or you will find me again. Neither you chose to leave nor I chose to stay. But everyday that goes by I know I am closer to being with you again and together we will make the skies our own again."
Author's Note: A strange mood struck me when one day driving home I was listening to Bon Jovi's "Bed of Roses". Somehow the song seemed sadder than usual and I got started on the idea for this short fic. Pen and paper, or should I say, text processors are indeed a mighty weapon. I keep discovering new things about writing. I enjoy writing even though I don't necessarily enjoy what I was writing about.
I'll bring nice fluffyness on my next fics, I promise.