I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
I called you over and over again; as many times as you possibly could call someone. Each time it had been harder. Each time I heard a simple answering machine, it stung more. The regret was beginning to eat at me. I felt bad; I really did but wasn't it for the best? Why do I miss you so much?
It's been about two years since I left you, Arthur and that's how long it took me to realize why I missed you; I was in love with you. I was without you and although my people were happy with the change; I began to think differently about it. Was it really worth losing a friend?
The pain was much too over whelming to bear. I really did lose you. I figured only one thing would make me feel better.
I needed to see you; I needed to talk to you. So when you finally gave in and came to see me, I was the happiest I could have been. Excitement and anxiousness filled the pit of my stomach. But how was I supposed to face you? How was I supposed to apologize? How was I meant to convince you to let us be at least friends again; anything even?
….
You stood in front of me something unfamiliar to me in your emerald eyes; pain. They lost some of their light, they looked partially dead. They seemed to be cloudy; they were a lighter less vibrant shade of green that I had remembered. You had obviously been crying a lot. Your eyes were puffy and I could see trace amounts of tear trails down your face.
I knew it was my fault too. I looked down sadly and tried to explain everything to you; tried to bring up the nerve to what I had been rehearsing in my mind for months. Something stuck in my throat making it impossible to say much. I had to say something, anything. I swallowed hard trying to send back whatever prevented me from telling you how I felt.
The only thing that came out of my mouth though was small talk. It stopped the awkward and cold silence between us but it wasn't what I had wanted.
"Thanks for coming Iggs"
You nodded not even looking at me in the eyes; not daring to say a word.
"How are things?"
You raise one of his large eyebrows. "Fine just fine" you manage to say still not even daring to look at me. It hurt; something stung. It was just your tone; it gave away that you were anything but fine. I just wish I could take your pain away. "I've been busy" you added quickly. "My boss has been having me do a lot of work lately" you sighed.
There was silence again. It was piercing. It stabbed me in the heart. The air was chill around us; I could see my frosty breath in the air at I breathed deeply in and out trying to calm my nervous. My stomach knotted.
"How's the weather?" I asked trying to keep the talk going. I just wanted to hear more of your voice. I yearned out to you. My heart was threatening to beat out of my chest. The chilled air leaving me cold like the depression that we currently sulked in.
"Rain like always" you looked down at your feet still trying to avoid eye contact with me.
"How's your family?" I asked as an attempt to bring you out of your depressed state.
"Smaller" you said as you looked up at me finally, your eyes shiny with tears. You crossed your arms around your chest. I could tell you felt betrayed. I can tell that you still haven't gotten over what had happened and neither had I. You looked broken and damaged. I once saw trust in your eyes, love, friendship, family but now it was all replaced with something much darker and much sadder. It was almost as if you showed hate towards me. I wasn't sure if you really did hate me or if you were simply trying to keep up appearances but either way, it still caused more pain in the pit of my stomach.
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
There was something different about you. You seemed ready to fight at a moment's notice. You looked like you were preparing for war. I noticed a small shot gun in your tight grasp that you held by your side. The shock showed in my eyes, I wasn't planning on fighting you. I was planning quite the opposite. I could understand why you were like this though; I knew.
The scene of what happened that July day flashed through my mind once more. I repressed those thoughts to the back of my mind. I tried so much not to think about it. The memories were too much to bear. They hurt me just as much or even more as you were hurt that day.
Although you did some things that drove me to leave, there were so many nice things you gave me too and I just seemed to ignore those.
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time.
I took in a huge gulp as I prepared to say what I have held in for months. The words shifted throughout my head quicker than I could process them. There were so many things to be said.
"I miss you" I said to you my voice cracking as if I were losing it. You looked at me puzzled but before you could say something in return, I continued.
"It was for the best" I admitted "It was the best interest of my country, The United States of America but it wasn't in best interest of me, Alfred F. Jones"
You looked even more confused, "What the bloody heck is that supposed to mean?" you asked clenching his small weapon that much more tightly, a hint of anger in your shaky voice. My heart stopping at the sight before I managed to go on.
"My country's happy" I explained "But I am far from it". That's not how things worked, usually when your country was happy, you should be happy too but I wasn't. I was anything but happy. I just wanted to be his friend again; even a simple alliance with no meaning behind it would be enough. I didn't want you to be my enemy any more. I wanted you back into my life, not the way it was before but differently.
"Why would you miss me?" your voice was harsh as if he was accusing me of lying. I meant every word I said; I just didn't know how to say it.
"I thought you we're free now! You don't need me anymore!" you looked up at the sky. The white clouds causing the light snowfall blocked out the light.
I was free but didn't mean I didn't miss you; didn't mean I didn't need you.
"You don't miss me! You wanted this! You wanted to be free of me and now you have that! What was the real reason of dragging me here? To rub it in you git?" you accused.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
"No" I answered my voice just above a whisper. "I need you"
You scuffed and turned away from me. "If you need me so much, why did you declare independence? Why did you hurt me?" I could tell you were crying just by the way your voice had sounded. I froze, you just didn't understand.
I might have been free but I was without you. I missed you. I wish I'd realize how much I had loved you sooner. The flashback of that July night going through my mind again. I wish I could back and take away your pain. I wish I could stop you from hurting. I always went back to that night and stopped so many things from happening.
It was a good thing that had happened but it didn't happen the way it should have. There could have been a way that would've hurt you less. I always wondered if there truly was.
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
All night, I would be restless. I could feel the bags underneath my eyes from all the sleepless nights. I thought about it almost constantly now. The image of me walking away from you on your knees crying, over and over again. It was permanently burned in my mind and wasn't easy to ignore. It couldn't be changed no matter how much I wanted it to be and no matter how much I wished it to be. It wasn't easy to ignore the pain that had come along with it. I can't handle even now, the deep pain I had caused you.
Even when I could fall asleep, my dreams would be haunted with those memories. I just wanted to tuck them away in an attic and forget them forever but that seemed nearly impossible. No matter how many times I push it away, it always came back; hitting me harder each time.
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
The day that hurt the most was April 23rd, your birthday. It was the first one I had missed in my life. I wanted to call you so badly but never gained the courage to pick up the phone. I remembered on your birthday, you would try to bake a cake for me and you but I'd always beg you to just buy one since you'd always seem to burn it and ruin it somehow. Some of your food I liked back then though, just not anymore.
Instead of calling you like I had wanted to, I went to the store and had bought myself an ice cream cake. That's the kind I would always force you to get. I sat in my kitchen and ate it all by myself. I wish I could have gotten you some sort of gift at least.
You always told me just being with me on your birthday was a gift in itself. I could never buy you something but I always had made you breakfast in the morning. It started off simple, just toast but as I had gotten older I knew how to make your favorite foods and teas. That morning of your birthday, I used those recipes that I vaguely remembered and made some scones and tea. Since you weren't around anymore, I forced myself to eat the bland and tasteless meal but it helped me think of you and brought back the positive memories to my mind.
I remembered what summer had been like; it was my favorite season of the year. I remember when I had seen you; you were smiling and laughing for the first time in a long time. I smiled myself and stood away from you just far enough so you couldn't see me.
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
The day those autumn leave began to fall is the moment I had realized why I had missed you because I was deeply in love with you. I still remember how I had felt when I made that discovery. Shock? No. Not at all, I wasn't one bit surprised. All it did was just make me feel even worse. All I wanted now was to see that beautiful face of yours and to see you smile just one more time.
Soon after the fall came the winter. The snow outside as cold as my heart without you. I spent countless hours trying to get in contact with you and it lead to this day.
I can understand why you wouldn't want to see me again. You gave me so much, you loved me and I the thing I gave in return was leaving.
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
I missed the way you smiled. I missed the warm touch of your skin. I missed those emerald eyes that were so easy to get lost into. I missed your calming voice that would help me through my nightmares at night. My brother Matthew now helped me when I would become scared but it wasn't the same; my fear always remained. I always dreamed about you. My life without you was my nightmares. My memories about that night were my nightmares.
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I swallowed hard again and let more of the hard words escape from my lips. It was slowly becoming easier.
"I'm sorry. I need you" I repeated for the millionth time that day. "I just need you as an ally, a friend. I need you as a…" I paused unable to get another word in.
You stared at me not saying anything and your expression blank. I had no idea how to read you.
The memories coming through my mind again. Thoughts of me going back to that day and changing it all. Changes that would hurt you less and hurt me less now. I wanted to back and change my mind, tell myself how it would make me feel now.
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
I knew this was unrealistic. I knew you would probably never want me back in your life. I knew though, if you did; it would be different. I would appreciate you, I promise with all my heart. I would look at everything you give me and smile. I would ignore your flaws, just as you always ignored mine and we would be happy again. We wouldn't be brothers, we would be much more. That's all I ask of you but I can't voice it.
I would change everything if I could but I know I can't. If you hate me, if you refuse, if you never want to see me again, if I betrayed you to the point where you don't even trust me anymore and never will; I understand. You have every reason to be like this.
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time
A burst of courage is all I need for you to understand. I take a deep nervous breath and blurt out all my thoughts, every single confession sneaking out of my lips and at you. I feel accomplished, at least I could tell you how I feel even if you do decide to refuse me; you would still know.
You look shocked at every word said but you don't dare interrupt me as I pour my heart out to you.
The last thing I do is grab your hand and whisper one thing to you.
"Arthur, I love you"
You have tears in your eyes and my ready for rejection. I turn remove my hand from yours, your heat slipping away from me and leaving me cold again. I turn around not wanting to look at you and I begin to walk away. Maybe, I couldn't handle rejection like I had thought.
My eyes began to sting and water. A familiar pain hit me but now, I felt it everywhere especially in my heart. I ached for you. I walked away and you just stood there.
I begged for you to follow, to stop me but you still just stood there. I turned around to get one last look at you and you were reaching your hand out to me. You then began walking towards me. My heart beat faster with every step you took on that fresh snow.
You didn't stop moving closer to me until you were mere millimeters away. All I wanted right now was for you to be that much closer. All I wanted was to just close the small gap of space in between us.
You stood on your tip toes so you could see me more face to face. I stared deeply into your deep emerald eyes and soon became lost within them.
My heart skipped beats as you leaned in even closer to me, your lips were now so close to mine that I could feel your warm breath on my mouth.
We stayed like that for a while, neither of us brave enough to make the next move.
"I-I-I love you too America" you finally said. My heart cheered and a smile spread long across my face.
You finally closed the distance in between us by pressing your lips hard against mine. I enjoyed every second of it. It had to be the best kiss I had ever had in my whole life.
I shoved my tongue into your mouth and in return you did the same to me. I wish we could have just stayed like that forever but the need for oxygen arrived and we both had to pull away to catch our breaths. The second after we did, we kissed again; this one much better than the first.