A/N: Dedicated to all those attempting to and those who have attempted to live life.
NOTES: Future timeline. Plotless-ness. Non-slash. Akaya POV.
[BGM: Monkey Majik - Smile]
Evergreen Stop
Akaya licked his dry lips before he began talking.
"I'm sure you've heard the recent news, Yanagi-senpai. I've quit tennis altogether. So, there're no more tournaments, no more practices, no more training and conditioning, no more getting coached. I think I can say, after so long, I've finally had enough. It's time to move onto something else."
He paused, just to be sure the other was there. Internally, he laughed at himself for being silly. The other was there. The other would always be there.
He continued.
"I haven't figured out what that something else is that I want to move onto. I'll need to do some soul-searching. So, for the time being, I'm spending a month volunteering at a local hospital. It's New Year's, and I see everyone buying gifts and making donations. So, I felt I should make some sort of contribution too. Of course, I could have just stuck to donating money, but that would have been too easy. Because money loses its value just too quickly. Instead, I've decided to contribute my time, something I find more valuable than money because nothing makes up for passed time."
Akaya let out a sigh and realized how dry his mouth had become. He must have been talking for some time.
"Thanks for listening to me, senpai."
The other replied with a silent, "You are welcome."
...
A few days later.
He met him at the same meeting spot. Under the tree that maintained its green in the cold winter season. His senpai had told him how he admired such a plant.
Knowing his senpai waited patiently for him to speak, he started.
"I started my volunteer work at the hospital. I met a cancer patient the other day. He was only 26 years old. As old as I am. But of course, the day I meet him is also the day I said goodbye to him. For good.
"And you know, the funny thing is, for someone as young as he is, you would expect him to be depressed about his fate. But he wasn't. He told me that he had been doing a lot thinking the past few days.
"He told me he thought a lot about life. And when he thinks about how soon he is going to die, he felt as if life was meaningless. And thinking in such a way made him feel quite painful. But then, as he kept on looking back, as he kept on examining his life, he realized something. That he had taken many risks due to his age. He did many meaningful things along with the meaningless things that he claimed he did. He finally found the meaning to his suffering. And that made him comfortable with death. That made him accept it."
"That made me see something, senpai. It's really scary when there is no meaning in your life. You live like an animal, doing the bare necessities to keep alive. But people aren't animals, as much bestial instincts we have remaining in our blood."
The youth stopped as if suddenly recalling an important piece of information.
"I remember reading a novel your recommended, senpai. There's a certain colony with a certain punishment tool. Those who fell under the punishment device were subject to twelve hours of torture before they breathe their last breath. They suffer the first six hours, as the machine engraves on their backs, the image of their crime. They're given a break of three hours. The final three hours the criminals are euphoric, because they are allowed to view the image of their crimes (1). Because they went from not knowing their crime, not knowing the reason to their suffering to being given an epiphany, to being liberated..."
He trailed off, as if trying to synthesize the two situations.
"I guess, what we're afraid of is not death, but dying without having the meaning of our lives defined for us."
After he finished talking, he thanked the other as usual for being a good listener. He promised to meet him next week.
...
A week later, he came again to the same spot. He saw it as their place to talk.
"Someone told me an interesting story today. A scientist built a spaceship and volunteered to go on a solo space mission since he had really bad social anxiety issues. He calculated that it would take him about 2 months to reach to his destination. But..." Pausing, the corner of his lips lifted to a ironic smirk. "But, he died before he reached to his destination. It wasn't due to illness, or injury or anything physical for that matter. He died of loneliness (2).
"Don't you think that's ridiculous? Someone who claimed that he didn't need anyone died because he didn't have any companions. If the story ended such a way, then does that mean that we, human beings, aren't creatures of solitude? That we actually need each other to survive?"
Renji didn't reply to the question. Because the answer was obvious.
That's why, Akaya visited the other so often.
...
Akaya arrived later than usual.
He hung his head. His gait slightly unsteady.
Only after he inhaled and exhaled a couple of times did he attempt to speak.
"The emergency room was short-staffed today, so I went to help out. It was just hell. At least, it was for me, someone who's never worked at an ER before.
"It felt as if the whole world just revealed itself to me today. I've seen...everything."
The overwhelming emotions that stirred up his insides from before stirred within him again. He calmed himself.
"There were so many people in that room. Most of the patients were victims of accidents—car accidents, fires, freak accidents, whatever. And then, there were the patients' relatives and friends. The thing is, there were patients that you greeted a short moment ago, that you come back to find them already gone. Sometimes their relatives didn't even get the chance to say goodbye..."
Akaya kept his eyes fixed at a certain point ahead of him as if turning away would make the object ahead of him disappear.
"I feel so disappointed. Maybe because things didn't end the way they're supposed to end. Like in the books and movies. People are supposed to bid each other farewell before they go separate ways, right? They're not supposed to leave so...suddenly.
"I realized, sometimes, people make plans. But many times, people forget to include change into their plans. Just like, when I started my routine volunteer work in the morning today, I never expected to help in the ER. And we expect that tomorrow will be much like an usual day. But we don't know until tomorrow comes."
"Senpai." The other called out. "I remembered you saying that both meeting and parting are privileges in life. I guess, hearing your goodbye is a privilege you don't give to a lot of people."
"But, I hope you'll let me to bid you farewell today just as you have allowed me to thank you for listening."
And he got on his knees and wrapped his arms around the cold tombstone as if embracing a dear companion.
"Goodbye."
He knew his message would reach into the ground beneath him to where the other had been listening all this time.
END NOTES:
(1) - The novel that Akaya is referring to is Franz Kafka's Penal Colony.
(2) - Story taken from a certain BL novel.
After so long, I feel I still have much to write, much to accomplish. But, I don't know how much longer my crumbling will could hold on.
I want to say goodbye. Just in case I don't get the chance to do so in the future.