I sat and I stared at the door. What was I doing here? I kept staring at the door as I tried to remember. A hair dryer turned on outside the door of the tiny cubicle but I didn't move. The tears kept streaming down my face as I tried to keep my sobbing quiet. How had I ended up here? The questions kept dancing around in my head and I had no answer to any of them. I knew the only way any of this would be fixed was if I left the bathroom, but I couldn't make my tired body move. Distantly I heard the hairdryer stop followed by the sound of footsteps leading away from me. Voices screamed in my head as I finally stood up and opened the door.
In the dim lighting of the public toilet, I could just make out a woman fixing her hair at the sink. She took one look at my tear stained face and pity entered her eyes. I was immediately embarrassed. I knew I looked terrible. My frizzy hair had to be standing on end in places and I knew my eyes and nose were swollen and red, but who was this woman to judge me? She had no idea what I was going through. I kept my head high as I walked past her out into the street. I knew I stood out, but I tried not to care as I made my way home again, aching from the cold that bit at my feet and legs. Why on earth had I gone out in mid Autumn in just three-quarter leggings and thongs? I sped forward, determined that I would make it home before the tears started pouring again. Seeing the light change ahead, I shoved my way forward determined that I would get there before it changed again.
Reaching my building I grabbed my key and jammed it into the lock hurrying to get inside and out of the howling wind that bit through the thin fleece I had put on top of my t-shirt. Again I asked myself why I had gone out in such thin clothes. The sky was darkening as I finally made it into my bedroom and looked out the window towards the horizon. The heavy clouds that blanketed the city hid the sunset from my view. Sighing I closed the curtain and surveyed my room. Everything was done just as my mum had asked before she went out that morning. Everything packed away in brown cardboard boxes ready for when the moving truck came early tomorrow morning. How had this happened? This was the kind of thing that happened in books and movies. Not to me. Not to normal happy girls who led normal happy lives. But here I was packing my life into boxes so that me and my mum could run from my dad.
Getting down onto the floor I checked under the bed for any last things that I may have left behind in my agitated rush this afternoon. All I saw was a few scraps of paper. I scooted forward and grabbed them thinking that they were pieces of one of my many torn up sketches only to find that it was The Picture. The one of Him. My mums New Boyfriend. The One we were going to go live with. I now remembered my anger last night when my mum handed me the photo. How I had ripped it into shreds and shoved them under the bed, the one place I couldn't see them. I stood up again and marched to the kitchen and threw them in the bin.
I knew that my mum hadn't been happy with my dad for almost as long as their marriage had lasted, but I had never expected that when my dad left for his big business trip last night, that my mum would immediately leave and come back on hour later with dozens of boxes and photo of her Boyfriend. Groaning in frustration I opened the fridge to look for something edible. My mum had told me that she wouldn't be home until late because she was going to be busy setting up a room for me at His place. Closing the fridge I go to the pantry and grab a cup of noodles and turn on the kettle for hot water. Everything out here looks normal. Here I could pretend that nothing was happening, that this was all just my imagination run wild again. The click of the kettle turning off pulls me from my daze.
Careful not to burn myself, again, I tip the steaming water of the dried noddles and mysterious yellow powder and place it down again. My whole life gone. After I finish my 'dinner', I go to my bathroom and start packing away the perfumes and makeup from the bench. Not that I ever used it but my parents always gave it to me anyway in the hopes that seeing it there everyday might inspire me.
From the pocket of my fleece I hear my phone start playing the Star Wars theme song. Smiling I reach into my pocket and grab my phone. "Hi Simon." I hear a laugh from the other end widening my own smile. "Hi Clary. My mum asked me to tell you that we are having your favourite for dinner and that she misses seeing you around." I laugh outright at that. "Simon, tell your very kind and generous mother that I am unable to come over tonight and that I was last over there yesterday!" We both laugh. "I know I know. But you know my mother." I smile. I do know his mother. I have known her since Simon and I became best friends when we were five. "Yeah I do Lewis. Tell her thanks for the offer but that I'm bust tonight." I hear his mock gasp. "Since when are you ever 'Busy' without me?!" I shake my head and laugh, not wanting to tell him what's going on just yet. "Bye Simon, I'll talk to you tomorrow ok?" I hear him sigh on the other end of the line. "Yeah Clary I'll talk to you tomorrow." I sigh before hanging up.
Moving on to the shower I start collecting shampoos and body washes and stacking them in the boxes too. Then my pocket starts playing the Jaws sound track. "I'm popular tonight." I mutter as I grab then phone. "Hi Mum" I say as I grab the boxes and walk back to mu bedroom with my phone pinned between my shoulder and cheek. "Hi Sweetheart I just wanted to make sure you were almost done packing, you had barely even started when I left." I roll my eyes. "Yes Mum I started. I finished too actually. I'm just putting the last box with the rest of them." "Ok good girl. I was just making sure because Luke asked us if we just wanted to use his truck and move tonight and I think that's a great idea. To just get it all over with." I grit my teeth placing the boxes on the ground. "If that's what you want mum I'm all packed and ready to go." I can practically hear her smile when she says, "Ok we'll be there in about 20 minutes. Love you Sweetheart." "Love you too." I mumble as I I hang up then phone.
The whole night I imagined myself to have to prepare for the move just vanished. In half an hour, they'll be here and I'll have met him and I'll be on my way out of the only house and the only family I've known. When they get here my mum walks in first with a big envelope under her arm. She must see me staring at it because she says, "Divorce papers." She says grimly, placing them on the kitchen counter, then walking back to the bedrooms to start grabbing boxes. I stare at the envelope in shock. For some reason I hadn't seen the divorce coming. Why not I don't know but the sight of the papers knocks the breath out of me. It makes everything seem so final. I can't believe she isn't even going to give them to him in person.
Then I hear the sound of someone coming up the buildings stairs and then the squeal of our old door being pushed open. I turn around and there he is. My mums boyfriend. She says I should call him Luke, but how can I call him anything when I don't know anything about him other than the fact that he has agreed to let me live with him. I felt a rush of vertigo when I thought about how on,y an hour ago I had been crying in a public toilet after I had left Simon at the arcade. Now I was meeting the man my mum and I were going to be moving in with.
Clutching at the counter I looked him over. Fairly average in every way was my opinion. Average height, maybe a tiny bit above, boring brown hair, wire rimmed glasses sat perched on a boring kind of nose. The only part if him that might warrant a second look was his eyes. Bright blue and piercing they seemed to be surveying me the same was I was him. I suddenly felt self conscious. I knew he was comparing me to my mother. Everyone did. It's just what happens when you look as much like your mother as I do. Only she is beautiful. Slim and elegant my mother would draw the eyes of everyone even without the bright red hair. Glittering green eyes dominate her face and her fair skin suits her in an Olde Worlde kind of way.
I on the other hand am short. The kind that makes people think that you are about 11 rather than a week out from your 16 birthday. My orangey red curls are far from the elegant hair that my mother has and my fair skin is covered in freckles. I am my mother with all the imperfections. But then Luke smiles at me. "Hello. I'm Luke, it's really nice to meet you Clary." I blink. "Hi" I stutter. "I'm Clary as you seem to know." My comment is apparently funny to him as he smiles wider. "Can I help you with your stuff? Or are you all good? Your mother seemed to think that you would have lots of art supplies that you would need help carrying."
I weigh it up in my head. If accept help from this man, that's almost kin to accepting him. On the other hand, those boxes of pencils and sketch books are very heaving. I sigh and nod. "Thank you for offering. If it's ok, can you help me carry my sketch books?" He nods seeming to understand how I feel about the situation which surprises me. I was expecting someone who thought that I would like them from the beginning. I show him to my room and point at the boxes. Without comment he picks them up and walks out again leaving me to take one last look around my room.
Mum had told me that big things had to be left behind, along with anything I didn't deem essential. She wanted a quick, clean departure from her old life, with minimal things coming along with us. The tears I had been fighting all evening started gushing down my face again. All that I had ever known was gone. Mum chooses that moment to come in and check that I was following orders and grabbing my things. She took one look at my tears and sighed. "Come here Sweetie." She tells me, wrapping her arms around me. "It's going to be fine ok? Tell you what. Stay home tomorrow and you and I can spend the day doing over your new bedroom anyway you want. We'll buy paint and a new bed set, if you want we can even get started on your new bathroom too ok? Tomorrow will be just for you." The tears come faster and I start to gasp for air, choking on my tears. "Clary, you need to calm down sweetheart. I know this move isn't what you want. It's not exactly what I want either but it's what I need." I nod against her shoulder. It's not her fault she hates my dad and fears his random fits of aggression. I do to. I know I can't really blame her but it's a struggle not to anyway.
I feel her breath over my hair as she sighs and then she steps away grabbing one of my boxes. "Come one. Luke's waiting." I nod and grab the last few boxes and step out of my childhood bedroom for the last time, letting the door softly close behind me.
As it turns out, Luke lives in a nice house not that far from our apartment, meaning I don't have to change schools, with three bedrooms and three bathrooms. Why one man needed that many beds and toilets I don't know, but I guess it makes it convenient for him now that we moved in. Smiling slightly as he heads up a tiny flight of stairs, Luke tells me, "I don't want to offend you by putting you all on your own up here, but your mum thought you might like your own space and this is the biggest bedroom too. As your mum said tomorrow, we make it yours. Within reason of course I'm not made of money." he winks as he says that last part and I can't help but smile along with him.
"She was right." I admit. "I do like to be on my own a lot." Reaching the top of the stairs, Luke opens the door and let's me in. I must be right at the very top of the house, as the roof gently slopes towards the floor on the left and right sides of the room. The walls are just a generic white, so are the sheets in the large bed pushed up against the middle of the left wall and in the right side of the room is a large wooden desk with dark wooden doors on either side. But the far wall is the star of the room. Large windows look out towards the city skyline in the middle distance.
"The doors lead to your bathroom and wardrobe. I know it's a bit empty now, but when you unpack and we paint and get new sheets I think it could be pretty cool." I nod stunned. I had been expecting something more like a dark dingy room in a small cramped house and then I see all of this. He smiles, "I'll leave you on your own now to unpack. If you need anything, your mother and I are in my room, which is opposite the stairs. If you get hungry or thirsty the kitchen is just down the hall. Goodnight Clary." I nod and give him a small smile which he returns before silently closing the door, soft footsteps on the stairs the only audible noise this far from the city.
I look over at all the boxes that my mum and Luke had carried up for me so I could just "Get prepared to see my room." and walk to the nearest one, pulling it onto the bed. Inside I see all my favourite photos and sketches. I pick up the one on top, the only one in a frame. It's a photo of me and my mum on my fifteenth birthday. Dad took this one, I think as I place it on the small table next to the bed. He had been so happy and proud that night. He kept telling me that I was all grown up. His big brave girl he told me again and again. Mum laughed all night and smiled at everything that we said to her.
Looking back into the box I decided to leave the rest. No point starting to pin up photos when mum and Luke say we're going to paint the walls soon. Pushing that box back to the floor. I grab the next one and see it's only full of clothes. Time to do a little exploring I guess. Standing with the box, I cross the room and open the nearest door. Yep it's the cupboard all right. A large walk in closet too. I smile. Stepping inside I put the box down and fumble for a light switch. In my struggle I trip over the box. Clumsy Clary, that's me. Grumbling to myself as I stand I resume my search and am rewarded by a light flicking on.
It's almost two hours later when I finish unpacking the things I can unpack like clothes and toiletries and shuffle the rest of the boxes out of the way to deal with later. When I finally slip into bed it looks almost as if the sun is rising over the city skyline and I smile, imagining waking up to a view like this everyday.