Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or concepts behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The people and companies that do have names like Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I mean no disrespect, and I'm not gaining any financial benefit from this. I'm just having some fun with their toys.
Timeline/Spoilers: Post "The Gift", Pre-"Bargaining" but spoilers for most of Season Six (It's a little complicated)
Author: WyseQuack
E-mail: WyseQuack@shaw.ca
Written: August/September 2002
The Madness of Morpheus - Or - Why Season Six Was So Miserable
The Scooby Gang sat silently around a table in the Magic Shop. Xander and Anya were well into each other's personal space, as were Willow and Tara. Dawn, Spike and Giles each sat by themselves, the latter two each in their own way keeping a surrepetitious eye on the group's youngest member.
The bell sounded, the door opened, and Buffy walked in - hale and hearty. Dawn arose from her chair, and went over and hugged her elder sister.
"Hey, Dawnie," Buffy said quietly.
"It's good to see you, Buffy. Even this way." Dawn sniffled. "I miss you."
Buffy gave Dawn a shaky smile and said "I know. And I'm sorry. I miss you, too. It was just something I had to do."
Giles cleared his throat, and began to speak in a slightly hesitant tone. "Unfortunately, Buffy, the indications are that your . . . sacrifice . . . will not have the effect we'd hoped."
Buffy snapped her neck around to look at Giles. Not bothering to keep the irritation out of her voice she said, "I thought you said it would, Giles."
"Yes, well the preliminary signs were positive, and I'm afraid I became overly optimistic as a result."
They looked at each other, bitter disappointment showing in both their faces, until Xander's voice interrupted.
"Could somebody explain what's going on, again? From the beginning, for those of us too dumb to get into college?" he said.
"It's sort of like the Forgotten Realms books," Dawn began.
"You read those?" Xander interjected.
"Well, yeah," Dawn replied, as if addressing someone much younger than she was - and not particularly bright to boot.
"Buffy won't let me come patrolling with her, none of you will let me help with the research, you don't let me go anywhere by myself, primetime TV is all reruns" Dawn paused, took a quick, furtive look at Spike, and continued, "daytime soaps bore me - the characters on them screw up their love lives so much they make you guys look like you actually know what you're doing. I've gotta do something with my time, so I read," she finished.
There were a few seconds of silence before Giles gently prodded Dawn to continue. "Dawn, you mentioned something about some sort books before Xander diverted you to that useless tangent?"
Dawn nodded. "Oh, yeah, right. Forgotten Realms. They're a series of fantasy books. The point I'm trying to make is, in these books, the power of the various gods depends on the number of worshipers they have. No worshipers, no power."
"Not seeing the connection," stated Xander.
"We're in the same position as those gods, only in reverse," Willow began, stepping in. "The Hellmouth won't - can't - go dormant because of the attention of an audience."
"What audience?" asked Spike. Xander was so grateful that someone else also needed clarification, he momentarily forgot his antipathy to the vampire and shot him a brief look of gratitude.
"I'll concede this next part of this is confusing, but bear with me," began Giles. "As a result of a spell they did, Willow and Tara learned our reality is connected with another one. Peculiar as it sounds, in this other reality, our lives here are the basis for a series of . . . fiction stories."
"What kind of stories?" asked Anya.
"That's not entirely clear," began Giles.
"Primetime TV episodes," Tara stated baldly.
A forlorn look appeared on Giles face. He clearly was unhappy with that determination, but was too honest to dispute the available evidence which led to it.
"Well, I guess that could explain why nothing much ever seems to happen around here in summertime," cracked Xander.
"And here I thought it might have something to do with vampires being handicapped by long days and short nights," Buffy observed ruefully.
"So you're saying we're just characters in a TV show?" Anya asked.
"No, we're quite real. In this reality at least. It's just that we're also fictional characters in this other reality. And our real and fictional selves are linked in ways that are difficult to describe," came Giles response.
"Meaning what, exactly?" asked Spike.
"Apparently, this TV show about us has quite a devoted following in this other reality. Which is the problem. For reasons I don't fully understand, the existence of this sizeable audience in the linked reality is somehow stimulating the Hellmouth in our reality. There is no immediate danger of the Hellmouth actually opening fully, but the amount of local demonic activity has increased noticeably as a result of this effect," said Giles.
"Well, doesn't that just blow away Cordy's theory that you can never be too popular," quipped Xander, getting giggles from Buffy and Willow and even a weak grin from Giles.
"You're saying that the town is full of monsters because a horde of couch potatoes get their jollies from watching you guys deal with them?" Dawn asked.
"In essence, yes," Giles told her. "Which brings us to the solution to this dilemma - or so we hope," he continued in lecture mode. "We need to substantially decrease the size of this otherworld audience, ideally to eliminate it completely."
"So the witches whip up an interdimensional transportation spell, we go there, and we slaughter everybody who watches this silly show about us. I like it. Serve the damned voyeurs right," Spike declared with a wistful smile.
Giles eyed him with distaste. "There's no need for anything so drastic, Spike. If the show were simply to be cancelled, that would be more than sufficient."
"Spoil all the fun," Spike muttered softly.
"So how do we get this show cancelled?" Tara asked prosaically.
"According to Giles, Plan A has already failed. Or will fail. Whatever," stated Buffy.
"And Plan A was . . .?" prompted Xander.
"Killing off the lead character," answered Buffy. She turned to Giles and asked, "You're sure I was the lead character? 'Cause it's not like I'm even the biggest gun in town, these days," she said with a wave at Willow and Tara.
"No, Buffy, you are," assured Willow. "That's why the monks made Dawn your sister, not anybody else's."
Dawn's eyes grew wide, and she turned to Giles again. "Giles, could the link between us and this other reality have anything to do with me? With my being the key, I mean?"
Giles considered briefly, then said, "That seems unlikely, Dawn."
"The link has been there a long time. Longer than you've been here," explained Tara.
Xander cleared his throat, "This plan A brings up something else I've been wanting to ask about." He looked straight at Buffy, then asked, "Buff, I love you. You know that. And don't take this the wrong way, but - Didn't you die? Didn't we bury you? So how could you just walk in that door like nothing has happened?"
"This is a dream, sweetie," Anya explained matter-of-factly.
"Oh," said Xander. "Whose?" he asked, after a moment's pause.
"Does it matter?" asked Anya.
"I guess not," Xander stated, but without conviction.
"So if we need to get ourselves cancelled, and plan A didn't work, I guess we move on to plan B. What is it?" asked Willow.
Giles considered, than said, "I'm afraid all I have to suggest is we become dull, boring and unlikeable."
"Well, you and the carpenter have certainly got the first two parts covered," commented Spike.
"And you've certainly taken care of the last one," Xander shot back.
"Guys, this isn't helping," Willow gently remonstrated, trying to play peacemaker.
Everybody in the shop turned to look at her. No one spoke, but many of the others raised their eyebrows at her.
Her cheeks flushed, and she said, "Okay, I don't like any of you much when you do it, so maybe it is," she admitted, then added with emphasis, "under the current, and very peculiar circumstances."
Tara came to Willow's defense. "Isn't it a little early to start fighting with each other, anyhow? We can't drive away this audience until it's actually watching, and I understood that wasn't going to be until sometime in the fall."
Giles nodded. "That's correct. So we have some time to plan how we want to alienate our audience."
"I'm gonna be resurrected, aren't I?" Buffy asked dejectedly. "I mean, if I'm the lead character . . ." her voice trailed off.
"You got a problem with being alive, Buffy?" an annoyed Dawn asked her.
"It's not that. You guys are great . . . really. It's just that . . . being the Slayer comes with a lot of baggage, you know? No matter how strong you are, hauling it around wears you down . . . and I just got so damn tired of doing it. I thought I was finally all behind me, and it was such a relief, and now the thought some muckety muck is going to jump out of the bushes and say 'Just kidding' makes we want to scream."
"That's a good start," Anya stated. "Being resurrected puts you into a clinical depression. What else?"
"Anya, I wasn't brainstorming," Buffy tried to explain.
"Sure you were," Anya contradicted. "And it was a great idea, too," she said, trying to be reassuring.
"Anya, you're not listening to me," Buffy said, once again visibly irritated.
"Let it go, Buff," Xander advised her. "It's not like she's saying you'd losing it so far as, oh, . . . to actually sleep with Spike or something."
Anya beamed and a dreamy smile appeared on Spike's face. The ex-demon gave Xander a quick kiss and said, "What a great idea! Okay, people, let's keep those ideas coming.
With a feral smile, Buffy said, "How about Xander makes you hide your engagement for months, then winds up dumping you at the altar?"
Anya started, then said anxiously, "No! Not good! Not good at all! Nothing bad is supposed to happen to me or Xander! Only to the rest of you!"
"If only you'd stated it that clearly in the first place," Giles stated drolly.
"Anya, no matter how far around the bend I was, I would _never_ sleep with Spike. Ever! Anybody who thinks that is ever going to happen needs to check themselves into a funny farm!"
"That might work," said Willow.
"What might work?" asked Buffy, Dawn and Xander in chorus, all of them puzzled.
"Some of us concluding that everything we know isn't real - that we're just imagining it," the redhead told them.
"I don't know, Will," said Xander. "How are any of us supposed to convince anyone we're crazy? Take me for example. Just because I know that I live in a town with a portal to hell and is full of vampires and I don't have the sense to move away, and all my friends have mystical powers and I'm going to marry a girl who spent a thousand years as a demon . . ." Xander paused to stop and think.
"Xander, you're not listening," said Anya. "Not you! Never you!" she told him. "Or me!" she added, after a brief pause.
Xander, lost in his own thoughts, paid no attention to Anya. "Oh, man, I've become the Prisoner," he lamented.
"What?" said Buffy, clearly not following Xander.
"The Village. Number Six," he replied.
"Oh!" Willow exclaimed as she realized the direction of Xander's thoughts.
"Will, do you know what Xander's talking about?" Buffy asked her best friend.
"'The Prisoner'. Cult TV show, with Patrick McGoohan. About this spy who, when he tries to resign, get knocked out and kidnapped and wakes up trapped in this strange village. He keeps trying to escape, but its complicated because he doesn't even know where on earth he is, or have anyone he can trust, or even who's really in charge there. It's very cerebral," Willow explained.
"And Xander watched it?" Buffy asked, her skepticism showing.
"I kind of made him," Willow confessed.
"So why is Xander talking about it now?" asked Dawn.
"Well, Xander kind of decided that Number Six - The Prisoner - was just crazy, and everything about the village was just a hallucination of his."
"Had to be," said Xander. "How else do you explain him outsmarting everybody who wanted to make him talk about his resignation, but never really coming close to escaping? He's either smarter than everybody else there, or he isn't. Unless he isn't, but he thinks he is. And don't get me started on the last episode. It made no sense at all. Didn't explain anything."
"Xander, the idea was for you to figure out what was going on for yourself," Willow tried to tell him.
"I did. The guy was nuts. Case closed." He paused momentarily, then added in a morose voice, "And now I'm him."
"No!" objected Anya. "You're not nuts! You can't be crazy! Let Buffy be the crazy one!"
"Anya . . ." Buffy began warningly.
The ex-demon was not much for taking hints, however. "I mean we've already got her in clinical depression and boinking Spike. Why stop there?"
"I am NOT boinking Spike!" Buffy shouted. "Now or ever!"
"Methinks, the lady doth protest too much," Spike said, just loud enough to be heard.
"Spike, shut up!" Buffy, Giles and Xander snapped in unison.
Anya continued on as if there had been no interruption. "I mean, it's not like Buffy ever was mental stability girl."
"Anya, stop 'helping'," Buffy tried to tell the ex-demon, but the subject was oblivious.
"Take, just for example, the neurotic need for a vampire sidekick. For a vampire slayer, that is just . . ."
"Wrong," Xander finished the sentence for his fiancee.
"I do not _need_ a vampire sidekick!" objected Buffy.
"Oh, please!" said Dawn. "You sent Angel to hell and that _still_ didn't stop him from being your sidekick. Then, when he finally wises up and leaves down, presto!, you have Spike in your pocket. If you don't need a vampire for a sidekick, why do you always wind up with one?"
"Hey!" Spike exclaimed. "I'm nobody's sidekick."
With a smirk, Xander told him, "You're a sidekick or a housepet, fangless. Your choice."
Spike glared back at Xander in response, but remained silent.
Buffy decided to take a slightly different tack. "Anya, how come all the horrible stuff has to happen to me?" she asked.
"Well, you are the lead character," came the response.
'Damn,' thought Buffy, 'that was actually a decent point.' She turned to Giles. "Speaking of which, if I'm the star of this show, why don't I get paid better? Actually, why don't I get paid, period?"
"Oh, that's another idea," Anya said gleefully. "You could get stuck taking a humiliating job to meet your financial burdens."
Buffy took a long, hard, look at Anya, then said quietly, "Giles, if it's an ex-demon, I'm not _really_ breaking that Slayers don't kill humans rule, am I?"
Xander spoke quickly. "Ahn, honey, why don't you stay quiet and let the rest of us brainstorm for a while?"
"But I'm doing so well," she said.
"Honey, that's kind of the problem."
"Oh, all right. But you have to promise me I'll be well compensated later."
"Not a problem," Xander agreed.
"Does this mean you're _not_ going to kill one another?" asked Spike. "That'd probably get your show cancelled right quick."
Just about everyone in the store gave Spike a dirty look. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Just a thought."
Tara spoke up. "Okay, no more focusing on Buffy - I thinks she's been picked on enough for now. But what can the rest of us to do to . . . uh, get this TV show about us cancelled?"
"Maybe Red can start having her spells go all wonky again," suggested Spike.
"What would that accomplish?" asked Buffy.
"Make us live through recycled Star Trek: The Next Generation plots?" offered Dawn.
"Like what?"
"Oh, the one where they're stuck in a time loop cause the ship keeps blowing up," said Dawn.
"Or what about the one where they all wake up and don't know who they are - or who anybody else is?" said Xander.
"Or the one where Riker is in an alien insane asylum, and they're trying to convince him all of his memories of the Enterprise are delirious hallucinations?" Buffy asked, pointedly.
"Why don't you just have me turn into a self-destructive total magic junky while you're at?" Willow suggested, not bothering to hide her irritation.
"Willow, no," Tara said.
"It's okay, baby," Willow reassured her. "It's just talk."
"Good," Tara replied. "I just . . . I don't think I could bear watching something like that happening to you. Watching you do it to yourself."
"You'd leave me?" Willow asked, shock, hurt and disappointment all perceptible in her voice.
"If I had to. Only if I had to," came Tara's reply.
"Don't sweat it, Will," Buffy told her. "Tara's not going anywhere anytime soon. It'd be like Giles packing up his things and going back to England on me. Not going to happen." Buffy paused briefly, during which Willow and Giles exchanged guilty looks. "Not that the relationships are exactly parallel," Buffy continued. "Everyone get your minds out of the gutter."
Giles chose this time to ask, "Are any of you going to be able to spare the time from sabotaging one another - and yourselves - to deal with the other menaces that will undoubtedly arrive to plague us?"
"Maybe the new bad guys in town will be really lame," speculated Xander. "I mean, the smart bad guys are going to stay away from here, right? I mean, we just took on a god, we won, and we even lived to tell about it."
"Well, most of us did," Buffy commented bemusedly.
"Sorry, Buff. It's hard to remember you're dead when you're standing right there. But my point is aren't bad guys with any sense going to steer clear of anybody who can handle Glory?" Xander asked.
"Maybe. Maybe not. We can't afford to take that for granted," said Buffy. After a moment's thought she added, "Not that really lame bad guys don't have a certain appeal - it might be a nice change of pace."
"Got any particular lame bad guys in mind?" Willow asked Xander.
After a moment's thought, Xander said, "What about Jonathan?"
"Jonathan?" Buffy and Willow echoed. "I thought he was on our side," Willow continued. "I mean, I know he created a big mess with that paragon spell, but he did own up to it."
"Eventually," amended Buffy.
"I was more thinking of the lame part," Xander began to explain. "Without meaning to sound like I'm belittling a serious issue, why was he trying to do himself in with a long-barreled rifle? It seems to me to be an awkward way for anybody to do it, but wouldn't it be even harder for someone who's economy size like Jonathan?"
"I don't think he really was trying to kill himself," Buffy answered.
"Isn't that what he said?" asked a puzzled Xander.
"He didn't want to kill himself. He wanted somebody to notice what he was doing, and stop him from killing himself."
"So it was just a confused cry for attention?" Willow asked Buffy.
Buffy nodded. "I think that's why he chose the rifle. Because it _wouldn't_ be easy to kill himself with it. In some part of his mind he wanted to give . . . whoever came along every chance he could to stop him."
"And yet he went to the trouble of finding an isolated spot to do the deed," Xander observed.
"Well, suicide attempts aren't commonly considered signs of clear thinking," came the response from Willow.
The conversation died for a few moments, then Dawn asked the group at large, "What's going to happen to me?"
Willow was the first to respond. "What do you mean, Dawnie?"
"Mom and Buffy are both dead. And Dad is going to be back from Spain before fall. Am I going to have to go live with him? I don't even know him - not really. I wanna stay here."
"Very likely," came Giles' answer. "I can't see the authorities depriving your father of guardianship of his own child in favor of someone who isn't a blood relative - not without some clear proof he is an unfit parent. The most serious charge I can think of that we have some hope of proving is neglect, and, by itself, that wouldn't even be close to sufficient."
Dawn sighed in disappointment. Then something occurred to her. "Maybe, if it happens, I'll wind up being part of Angel and Cordelia's spinoff."
"What spinoff?" asked a confused Giles.
"Please," Dawn told him in a disparaging tone. The two of them have to have a spinoff show in this other reality you keep talking about. I mean, there are how many people in LA? They both move there, completely separate, and the next fall, they _just_ _happen_ to bump into one another, and start working together? Anything that contrived smells of TV writing."
Giles softly muttered, "Americans!", shaking his head.
"What about the robot?" Willow suggested.
"What _about_ the robot?" came Buffy's response.
"I could fix it, and we could have it impersonate you, so Dawn doesn't have to leave."
Buffy scrunched up her eyebrows, then turned to look at her best friend. "Willow?" she said.
"Yes, Buffy?"
"Why do you think I'd want a perky, vacuous robot which started its life as a perverted vampire's sex toy as my sister's legal guardian?" Anya belatedly clamped her hands over Dawn's ears. She removed them a few moments later, after a pointed look from Dawn made it clear it was a pointless gesture. Buffy, oblivious to this byplay continued on, asking Willow "Have you gone as crazy as Anya wants me to?"
"It's just for appearances sake, Buffy. Giles, Tara and I will look after her . . . with everybody else's help of course."
"You didn't call me names when you needed my help," Spike complained.
"No, I didn't," Buffy agreed. "Any port in a storm, and I can be practical. If I have to. But guess what, Spike? The weather's cleared up, and I've had a bit of time to think about how gross and disgusting your having that obscenity built in the first place was. If it wasn't for everything else you did for me and Dawn later, I'd stake you for that alone, chip or no chip. Only a truly sick mind could have come up with an idea like that in the first place."
"It's not like the idea originated with me," Spike replied calmly, making a big show of his indifference.
"Granted, Warren, in his own way, is as twisted as most of the vampires I've met," said Buffy, "and I'd love to have an excuse to take him down a peg or two, but I can't go around pummeling people, mechanical geniuses, or not, just because they're socially inept."
"Why not?" asked Spike.
Buffy groaned, and asked no one in particular, "Why do I even talk to him?"
"'Cause you wanna get a head start on that depression thing we were talking about earlier?" Xander asked.
"No, I don't." Then she paused to think for a moment. "Do I?"
Xander thought for a moment then said, "Don't sweat it, Buff. This whole discussion is nuts, anyway. Just somebody's bad dream. I mean whoever heard of people being brought back to life 'cause the audience demanded it?"
"Arthur Conan Doyle," Willow told them.
"What?" came the unified, confused response of Buffy and Xander.
"He got tired of Sherlock Holmes after the first few stories," Willow began to explain. "He wrote a story where Holmes was killed and that was going to be the end of it, as far as he was concerned. But there was a huge audience for the Holmes stories, and they wanted more of them, so Conan Doyle wound up being pressured into reviving him and writing more stories about him anyway."
"Even though he didn't really want to?" Buffy inquired.
"Nope. Well, that's what I heard, anyhow," Willow amended.
"You're not exactly cheering me up, you realize, Will?" asked Buffy.
Willow froze for a moment, then gave out a sheepish, "Sorry."
"Hey, Will," Xander began. "Since this is a dream, there's been something I've been meaning to ask you, but I haven't quite had the nerve to do it in the wide-awake world."
"Which is?" Willow prompted, both surprised and curious. Xander was hardly known for his self-restraint, and they'd known each other for a very long time.
"If you're such a powerful, kick-ass spell tosser these days, how come you still can't turn Amy back human?"
THE END