Dave Strider looked up at the house with some mild apprehension. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."
"Calm down Dave. It's a hotel."
The hotel in question, was a rickety converted Victorian mansion with peeling magenta paint and tightly closed black velvet curtains on all the windows. Dave felt the first twinges of regret for letting Rose plan the trip.
While Rose Lalonde spearheaded the getaway, Jade Harley was the one with the idea originally.
"We should all meet in person!" She'd said three weeks ago in a private chatroom privy to only to the four of them. "We could get two rooms in a hotel somewhere and have a little vacation!"
"And how would that be any better than our annual virtual vacation, where we all go to different places around the same time and blog about it?"
"Rose, I think you and Dave are the only ones who do that."
Despite the initial resistance, a week later Rose announced that she'd booked a hotel thirty miles from her home and expected the three of them to be there July tenth.
Rose tends to be inconvenient.
"It's not too bad," John said, cocking his head and squinting his eyes as though a different angle would make it look less hellmurder-y.
John Egbert, the fourth member of the group. He's not as sarcastic as Rose or as friendly as Jade, but somehow Dave liked him more than either of them.
"It looks like somewhere we'll get killed in our sleep," Jade said, making a face.
"See, that's what I'm saying. What the hell Rose?" Dave asked.
Rose rolled her eyes and hefted her vaguely Lovecraftian-themed bag higher on her shoulder. "Weenies, the lot of you."
She marched forward, and the rest of them followed resignedly.
As it turned out, John was right: it wasn't too bad. The floors were plain polished hardwood, and the most of the lights were ordinary fluorescents. Sure, there were also ominous clown paintings on each wall, but that was just to be expected.
A woman was sitting leisurely at the front desk, looking over a magazine.
Rose approached her. "Excuse me, ma'am, we have two rooms reserved?"
The woman glanced at Rose and her companions. She sighed and closed the magazine, then dug around in a drawer. She pulled out two antique keys, and tossed them across the desk. "Upstairs, rooms 13 and 14," she said airily, before picking the magazine back up and disappearing behind it.
Dave and Jade looked at each other, while John and Rose each grabbed a key.
"Dibs on fourteen," Dave said while the four of them were climbing the stairs.
"I didn't know you were superstitious," Rose commented.
"I'm at least a little stitious."
Rose and Jade both groaned while John gave a snort of laughter. Honestly, that boy had no sense.
Dave didn't want to think about him.
Once the four of them reached their rooms, Dave snatched the room fourteen key out of Rose's hand and unlocked that door. "Alright, this is my room—the three of you just have to bunk up in the next one."
"As if I'd let you have it that easy," Rose said, elbowing her way in before Dave.
"Yo, wait—"
Jade just shook her head as she unlocked the other room. "Sorry Dave, you reap what you sow."
"That doesn't make any kind of sense in this situation."
She smiled apologetically at him, before disappearing into her room. John looked at Dave and back at Jade.
"Uh, sorry, I think Jade wants me to—"
"Yeah. I think Rose wants me to too."
John darted after Jade, leaving Dave alone in the hallway.
Rose smirked when she saw Dave enter. "I know you were angling to share John's room."
"What? No."
"You're denying it?"
"I was just angling to not share a room with either you or Jade."
"... Really."
"Think of the scandal. 'Boy and girl share a hotel room—monkey business assured'. The tabloids would have a field day with it."
She shook her head. "Sharing a room with him is a bad idea and you know it."
"Bad idea like Dorito-flavored Pop-Tarts were a bad idea. I.e., a great fucking idea. I like John."
"That's why it's a bad idea."
"Get your mind out of the garbage, it's not like that."
"Sure it isn't."
Dave tossed his backpack on one of the beds. "Let's just go get some food. I'm starving."
"Whatever you say."
He sighed and edged out of the room.
Dave knocked on John and Jade's door. "Just set your shit down on a bed and get a move on. We're getting dinner."
Their muffled voices quieted, and after a quick shuffle they spilled out the door.
"Pizza?" John asked.
"We've had that the whole way up," Jade complained. "Let's go to that cute diner we saw on the way up from the airport!"
"Yeah! That sounds like a great idea!"
Dave decided not to voice his concerns on the fact that it was a "Spa, and also a Diner", according to the sign.
"What's a great idea?" Rose asked, locking room fourteen.
"We're going to Lily Flavors, that diner place we saw on the way up," John said.
Rose cocked an eyebrow, but like Dave, she said nothing.
The four of them piled into the rental car, with Jade driving. John had, of course, yelled "shotgun!" the second the car was in sight, and claimed that this meant he got to sit shotgun for the whole trip as well—so Dave and Rose were, once again, shuffled into the backseat.
John yammered about the difference between a greasy spoon restaurant and a diner while Rose occasionally fact-checked and quipped disagreements. Jade muttered under her breath every time she made a left turn. Dave listened to Rose and John's low key argument without paying too much attention, since it never really escalated enough to garner interest. He mostly just tried to keep his mind out of the garbage and not notice John's stupidly attractive eyes.
Lily Flavors wasn't busy that day—though if the surprise on the waitress/hostess/masseuse's face was any indication, it was rarely busy at all. The four of them were all seated immediately in a choice booth by the window, and after a short deliberation their orders were made. The waitress/hostess/masseuse hurried off to the kitchen to alert the manicurist/chef.
"Prompt service," Rose commented. "Certainly more greasy spoon than perhaps the sign led us to believe."
"A diner can have prompt service—it's the quality that's the difference!" John replied.
Rose shrugged dismissively.
Jade leaned forward in her seat suddenly, noticing something on the other wall. "Hey, guys... is that—is that a gift shop over there?"
Rose twisted around in her seat. "This warrants investigation."
"But what if our food comes?" John asked.
"That's why you're going to wait here."
Dave laughed at John's crestfallen face.
"What are you laughing at Dave? You're waiting with him," Jade said with a mysterious smile.
"Why should he wait? We only need one person at the table." Rose replied, looking pointedly at Jade.
"But John should have some company," Jade said pointedly right back.
John looked back and forth between the two in mild confusion.
"It's fine by me." Dave leaned over and poked John in the ribs. "We're good together. We're like Bonnie and Clyde. Only the SNL version, Shy Ronnie."
John huffed. "Hardy har. I take it I'm Beyonce?"
"C'mon John, you don't have what it takes to be Beyonce. You're Andy Samberg."
"Why do you get to be Beyonce?"
"Cause I'm a queen."
"Pfft, gay."
"We'll leave you two at it then," Jade interrupted as she stood up. She grabbed Rose's hand and practically dragged her to the gift shop.
John watched them walk away. "I don't get half the things they get into." He shrugged dismissively, and heaved a jaw-aching yawn.
"Tired?"
He finished his yawn nodding sleepily. "I've been up since 4:00 AM. I had to take three connecting flights and sit in the car for four straight hours."
"But... didn't you sleep the whole time?"
John gave an exaggerated sigh. "I know, but still, it's exhausting! My circadian rhythm's all messed up."
"You've been talking too much to Rose. She's the one fucking up your circadian rhythm."
"Heh. You know, she tried to psychoanalyze me when I said I didn't want to go."
"You didn't want to go?"
John waved dismissively. "I was just nervous about the plane. I've never been on a plane before, let alone three."
"What did Rose try and psychoanalyze about that?" Dave asked, blowing the steam off his coffee.
"The usual—me struggling to come to terms with my dad's job, the writing on the wall that apparently everyone can see except me, all those dreams she managed to squeeze out of me about the world ending, my apparently 'repressed homosexuality'—"
Dave gagged loudly on his coffee in surprise.
John cocked his head. "You okay?"
Dave coughed violently trying to get his breath back. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine, I just—" he coughed again.
John continued obliviously. "She's funny, but sometimes she takes it a little far," he shook his head. "I mean, her weird obsession on the fact that I somehow defaced my walls without knowing is kinda starting to get on my nerves a little. That does not make sense! If I can't see it, then who is to say it's there?"
Dave nodded, still suppressing a cough. "Preach," he wheezed.
"And so what if I have a lot of dreams about the world ending? Armageddon is my favorite movie!"
"Okay, your taste in movies still sucks but go on."
"And I have no issues with my dad. I don't! I mean, I will admit that it was really weird... four years ago. I was thirteen! Of course I flipped out and kinda had a breakdown! But I'm fine with it now! I'm totally okay!"
"That's not very convincing, but alright."
"And she can stop teasing me about being gay. I am not a homosexual, and she can stop trying to make me one!"
Dave took a long sip of his coffee.
"If I was one, I would totally be okay with it! I know that you guys wouldn't judge me or anything, and I know my dad would be fine with it, but I'm not! I like girls! That is not really going to change."
Dave nodded, his mouth full.
John glanced quickly to make sure that Rose and Jade were still well out of earshot, then leaned across the table. "You know, I think maybe Rose might be trying to tell me that... I think she's trying to tell me that she's gay."
Dave almost choked again. He snorted into his cup.
"What? What's so funny?"
"Grilled cheese with a pickle on the side?" The waitress/hostess/masseuse said as she approached, precariously holding four plates at once.
John shot back into his seat guiltily, as though he'd just been caught doing something bad. "Um, here, that's me."
"Chicken-fried steak with a side of mashed potatoes?"
Dave nodded.
"And... these last two are for the girls?"
"Yeah, just set them wherever."
The waitress/hostess/masseuse nodded, set down a burger and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, then left.
"I'll go get Jade and Rose," John said, before getting up and heading to the gift shop.
Dave folded his arms and sighed softly. Rose was a fucking mastermind, but she had no business fussing with this.
...
"I don't understand chicken-fried steak. I mean, shouldn't it just be fried steak? Or, steak-fried steak? You can't fry a steak like a chicken, that's just a fact of nature," Jade complained.
"You wouldn't get it. You're eating cheesy maggots from a shady diner slash spa in the middle of nowhere. Might as well order the mystery loaf from a school cafeteria, they're both going to have the same secret ingredients."
Jade raised an eyebrow and pointedly took another bite of her mac 'n cheese.
John wrinkled his nose. "Sorry Jade, I think Dave's right. I love macaroni and cheese as much as the next guy, but you got to be careful with it — it goes wrong so easily."
"Hah. John's on my side. I win."
John turned to Dave. "You too, though. Are you sure that's not just chicken?"
Dave sighed and forked a bite, then held it up. "Look at that grayish-pink center. Do you get that color in a chicken?"
"Ew, it's not cooked all the way."
"It's steak, so we call not cooked all the way 'rare'."
Jade and Rose shared a look while Dave and John were talking. Jade gestured discreetly, as though saying, "See?"
Rose rolled her eyes and continued taking apart her burger.
John looked back and forth between them. "Okay, what the heck is going on with you two? Does this always happen and I just don't know because it's all online? What's with the secret looks?"
Almost against their will, both glanced quickly at Dave.
"What? Dave?"
Dave jumped up and muttered, "Bathroom."
John watched bewilderedly as Dave left. He looked back at Rose and Jade. "What? Is there something I should know?"
"John—" Rose began.
Jade interrupted. "You still haven't really gotten to look around the gift shop, right?"
"Uh, no—"
"Then let's go! Now!" She grabbed his hand before he had a chance to answer, and dragged him across the restaurant.
Rose exhaled deeply as the two of them set off. She looked down at her dissected cheeseburger and contemplated not being meddlesome.
After a moment, she heaved a sigh and set down her tomato. She was too meddlesome for her own good. She stood up and made her way over to the bathroom.
Dave was staring moodily at his feet with his arms folded across his chest. He was leaning against the far wall.
"You might as well tell him now."
"He'll never figure it out. He has all the sense of a heavily concussed Lindsay Lohan." Rose looked around at the dour setting. "Couldn't you have chosen a better place to have a breakdown?"
"I'm not having a breakdown. I'm hiding so you and Jade aren't tempted to shout out, 'Hey John! Guess who has a crush on you? He has shades and he came from Texas!'"
"You can't solve a problem by hiding."
"Okay. How do you solve a problem then?"
"Not by ignoring it until it goes away, certainly."
"You've shot down two of my solutions, and I still haven't seen you suggest even one."
"You're being petulant Dave."
He laughed humorlessly. "I get to be, goddamnit. You weren't there when he started going off on how much he liked girls. He was all but sensually describing all the heterosexual sex he wanted to have."
Rose winced. "He... he brought up some of my meddling, didn't he?"
"I thought you said you were done messing around with this."
"I did—a week ago."
Dave sighed and dropped his hands. "Just... Do me a favor."
"Elaborate?"
"Tell Jade to lay off." He stuck his hands in his pockets and filed out.
Rose hovered by the sink a moment. She sighed.
He was such a fucking drama queen.
...
Jade snickered. "John, look at this—" She held up an XXL shirt that said, I lost my virginity in a roadhouse.
"This one's better—" John showed her a keychain that said, I lost my self-respect at a steakhouse.
Jade laughed and shook her head. Operation Distract John From the Obnoxiously Indiscreet Nonverbal Conversation She Was Having With Rose About Whether John and Dave Could Be Compatible was quickly becoming a success.
"Rose and I were trying to figure out what the theme was, and why a diner/spa would have it."
"How about, 'losing important things in terrible places'?"
"She suggested, 'nostalgia'."
"That—that's it."
Jade hung the shirt back up, and hesitated a moment. Her instinct to pry was a small one, but a forceful one at that. She considered prying.
"John?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever miss Vriska?"
John didn't look up. "What's this about?"
"Well, you know... she was your first girlfriend. And, at least I think, she was your friend too."
John bit his lip. "She was... I don't know. I guess I just liked her when I was younger? And more naive. And when I got a little older, I realized I didn't like her anymore."
"Not even as a friend?"
"She... scared me a little. I think that's why I thought I liked her, if that makes sense."
Jade picked up a mug that said, This wasn't the ugliest mug I met. "Have you liked anyone since her?"
"Liv Tyler, my soulmate, duh."
She rolled her eyes. "I mean a real person."
John set down the pen that said, I thought I was a writer for a while. Then I started writing.
"I don't know. I don't think so? I'm not sure I've ever liked anyone that way."
"Not even Vriska?"
"Well, yeah. I think I am still too young for that."
Jade shrugged. "You're not really too young anymore. Maybe you like someone and you don't even know."
John looked at a necklace shaped like a hugging octopus without really looking at it. "But then who would that..."
Jade shrugged and studied green nail polish labelled Golem's Blood. "I think you know already."
John put down the necklace.
Jade looked over her shoulder. "Dave's back from the bathroom, looks like."
John perked up a little.
"I'm going to buy this nail polish," Jade said decisively, "and you go help Rose pay for dinner."
"Okay," he said, unsuccessfully trying to suppress a goofy smile.
Jade headed up to the register, where the chef/manicurist waited to wring her up. She looked over her shoulder as John joined Rose and Dave bickering over who should pay the bill. When
John showed up, Dave relaxed a little and tried to look cool.
"Idiots," she mumbled.
The chef/manicurist raised an eyebrow. "Good friends?"
"The best."