Disclaimer: The fanfiction author owns nothing.
Inspired by Les Liaisons dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, Attachments by Rainbow Rowell, To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han, and the songs of Sara Bareilles.
Originally published on November 30, 2015.
"I am in love with a boy, manufactured to destroy." — Ingrid Michaelson
March 19, 1762—To My Beloved Scream of Depression
We never miss the things we never had. And I thought I almost had you, but I was far from that. So why do I miss you so much as if I am missing a part of who I am?
I do not think it would ever matter to you nor to anybody else in this world, of the reality of how special you were to me. Loving you was the best feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I did not want to lose that sensation. But now, it is just gone.
The thing is, I will never forget the boy nor the feeling. I will never forget how much you made me happy, how much you unintentionally and intentionally hurt me.
If I had a choice, I will not fall in love with you and dedicate a year of my existence just to be noticed by you. But even so, up to this date, you are still the only person I have romantic feelings for.
Letting you go is...is letting go of happiness, the up and down feeling that is the indication of having a life to live.
How many times have I asked myself and the Universe, "Why is it that no matter how much I want you, you would not want me back the way I want you too?" When I started drifting away, you never dared try to stop me… It hurts that you do not willingly care about anything that happens to me…
I really, really want you… What do I have to do for you to like me back? For me to be a friend?
You burn my skin. With your indifference. With my insecurities. They say I deserve better…but you are the best…and you are perfect. And I love you, no matter what.
I love you, no matter what.
"I couldn't find a better man to let me go."
— Undertow, Sara Bareilles
This story is cross-posted on Archive of Our Own by teuriina.