First time I saw him, I liked his friend. I didn't think about him, all my thoughts were about him friend. I started talking to him, on the phone and on the net, yet I still didn't like him enough. They teased me and I teased them back, slowly my crush on his friend vanished, my friend laughed when I told her about the stuff he would tell me and said that listening him wouldn't do any good for me. I didn't listen.
One night, it was few hours before the new year would come, he phoned me. Asking if I would come to him, he was drunk. So I said to him I couldn't because I was with my friends, what he said next stopped my heart, he told me he loved me. Nervously I said that if we could talk when he was sober, we never did. He forgot that little accident but I never did.
We talked like we always did, never once did I ask him about the phone call on that night. I didn't want him to cast me away, but I also didn't want to believe him. At that time I didn't know what he meant to me, he wasn't my enemy, friend or loved one. What was he to me? I still don't know
After some time me heart started to beat faster when I talked to him, I didn't want to believe it. When my friends said that I clearly liked him I just snapped at them, telling them I would never like him! My enemies would tell him that I loved him, he would ask me if that was true and I would tell him no.
One year later a boy fell in love with me, the boy told me he would love me forever and asked if I would be his girlfriend. I told the boy I would think about it. Next time I talked to him I told him that a boy fell in love with me ad wanted me to be his girlfriend, after telling him that he told me he was going to ask me to be HIS girlfriend. I was shocked and said that he should ask me, he never did.
I went out with the boy and when he tried to kiss me I pulled away, I just couldn't kiss the boy. Two days after I met with him, we talked, laughed and said good bye. As always we hugged, but this time it was different. I didn't want to let go of him. As we pulled away for each other our eyes met, his face came closer and I let it come. I closed my eyes and kissed him at first I wasn't able to do anything and I started trembling, I cling to him on fear that I would fall but I didn't when we pulled apart he hugged me again. We said our goodbyes.
Few days after I heard he had a girlfriend, left him a message saying that it was cruel to cheat his girlfriend. I wasn't mad of what he did to me, I was mad what he did to his girlfriend. But at the same time I was still happy that he kissed me. He told me that it would never happen again, I agreed. After some time I heard that he and his girlfriend broke up. I didn't do anything, we hadn't spoken to each other after I got mad at him. I didn't want to speak to him, knowing that if I would I'd forgive him everything he had done.
One day I heard he was going drugs, even then I didn't phone him or send him a message. One day when I was coming home from shopping with my friend he send me a message, he asked me if I was doing ok, just to be mean I send him a message saying I was doing great. The truth was I wasn't. and asked how was he doing. When he told me he wasn't doing that great my anger vanished. It was gone, all I could do was ask him if I could help him anyway. He said I couldn't do anything.
When we talked he asked if I was still mad at him, my answer was no, I wasn't mad at him. for that he was happy, and that made me happy too. I was happy again. My friend who was against him said that I was more happier then I have been for few months. I was in denial, I told her she was imaging things, but deep inside I knew she was right.
Next time I saw him it was raining and I promised him that I would see him. I stood under a tree, trying to protect myself from the rain. He came to stand in front of me, I stood up asked how was he doing, he saw fine and I believed him. I gave him some money that I had promised to bring. I begged him to stop using drugs and he said he was trying. The rain was starting go through my clothes and I was shivering, I said I had to go home, that I was starting to look like a wet dog. For the first time in a long time he laughed, and said I was beautiful. We hugged again like we always did, and we kissed for the second time. I knew I wouldn't push him away, not when I had him near me again. I just pulled us closer to each other and held on tight. Never wanting to let go.
That was to first time I admitted to myself that I loved him, not once before this did I admit it. One night he asked if he could come over to my place and I agreed, not wanting to let a change like this go past me. The next morning he came over, I showed him my room an we sat down. The silent in the room was killing me. I sat down in front of him and asked him to show me his arms that were hurting him, because he had gone to a drug test earlier that morning. I got on my knees and hugged him making him fall on my bed, we stayed like that for some time, until it became too hot to endure. I opened a window and sat down next to him, he put his hands on me and I let him do what he wanted. We didn't sleep together, but we nearly did. I went to walk him to his fathers place and we said our good byes. I kissed him but that was not like our usual kiss, it was an innocent peck on the lips.
I didn't see his after that, I heard he had a new girlfriend but now I know nothing. Once I feared he had died, but one of my friends told me that she had seen him. I'm not mad, I don't know what I feel. But I still feel his arms around me, his lips on mine, his hands on my body. I still dream about him. And I know that his memory is slowly killing me.
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