A/N Don't own.
Warning: (If this is seen as a warning, you probably shouldn't read it.) This is a very close friendship, and can be slash if you squint (a little bit).
Enjoy and let me know what you think.
"Sirius?" Remus whispered quietly.
"Yeah, Remus?" Sirius answered with a hoarse voice.
"What did Azkaban do to you?"
Grimmauld Place was a filthy, dark, gloomy house. It was their prison. Hogwarts had let her students enjoy the summer and was now free of Dementors. When one told you that Hogwarts felt like heaven, both men would tell you that this was hell.
While Remus was allowed to go outside, Sirius was not. And Remus, out of guilt and loyalty stayed with his friend so he wouldn't be lonely. From one prison to another.
There was one thing that came from the close proximity. Remus had noticed fairly soon that Sirius had been acting differently. He had ignored it at first, thinking his friend was merely sad because Harry was at the Dursleys, instead of with them in an decent – if messy – apartment.
But that was not the kind of 'strange' that was bothering him. Remus saw the sadness disappear in the first week, and that revealed a far bigger problem. He had seen Sirius sad a lot of times, but this behavior was unfamiliar. It was like Sirius was no longer himself.
"It did a lot to me, Moony. I missed twelve years of my life!" Sirius jumped up from the couch they were sitting on and clenched his fists. Remus stood too, knowing that he wouldn't be able to block a punch as long as he was still seated.
"Sirius, tell me what happened." Remus was usually very hard to anger, and he even kept his calm while the full moon was approaching. But apparently, he shouldn't have ordered the man, because Sirius didn't like it and threw the expected punch.
Remus, being stronger than Sirius, was able to catch the fist and stop it a second before it hit his face. Remus quickly twisted Sirius' arm behind his back and used his other hand to catch Sirius' waist and trap his other arm before Remus pulled the angry man's back against his scarred chest.
Sirius struggled, and tried to escape the werewolf's strong grasp, screaming and kicking, like he was a child trying to get away from his parents. It didn't, however, take long for him to admit defeat and gradually calm down. The struggle stopped, and Sirius turned in his grasp before taking a step back.
Sirius had always been arrogant, confident, and proud of himself. Of his accomplishments and his friends. The man that stood before Remus was not that man. It seemed like the Dementors had sucked all of it out of him.
"I don't remember."
And that pretty much solved the puzzle. Sirius had been with the Dementors long enough to go crazy, but because his dog animagus form, the creatures had taken his memories instead. He still remembered names, though, and he remembered what happened to Lily and James. Which meant that he probably only retained his worst memories.
"What is it that you don't remember?"
"Everything. I couldn't remember meeting you, I can't remember our years at Hogwarts. I can't remember James' wedding, or Harry's birth. I can't remember Lily's voice, or the songs she used to sing while she was cleaning the dishes. I couldn't see baby Harry anymore. I didn't know his eyes were green, but that he looked like James. I barely remembered that you're a werewolf. I only knew because of the day I told Snape where to find you in the Shack." Sirius was almost yelling out of frustration again at this point, and Remus laid a hand on his shoulder.
"What do you remember?"
"I remember Regulus and my parents. My whole family. But I forgot about uncle Alphard until I saw him on the family tree. I can remember arriving at James' house and seeing the bodies, but the moment where I know Harry should appear it stops. I remember Wormtail, most memories where Snivellus plays a role and I remember Azkaban. The screams, the pain. The bodies and the cold. Pretty much everything else is gone, just gone."
Sirius collapsed on the couch that he'd previously abandoned in anger and put his head on his hands. He looked lost. Like the world around him didn't exist and he was trying to open doors that would lead to his happy memories, but those doors wouldn't open. They didn't exist. He was frustrated because he couldn't remember.
"Do you have any happy memories?" Remus asked while sitting down next to his best friend.
"Some. Things, events, trigger them and I can relive them, but there haven't been that many flashbacks. I could remember how Harry looked like as a baby once I'd seen him, and I could remember meeting you when you entered the Shack."
"Sirius." Remus laid a hand on the dog's shoulder and used his other hand to touch Sirius' chin and make him meet the werewolf's stare. Their eyes met and Remus smiled gently, trying to put the man at ease.
"It's not weak to ask for my help, Padfoot. I can help."
"I don't want your help," Sirius shouted. He escaped from Remus' grasp and grabbed the armrest. His nails left prints on the black leather as his right hand grabbed the pillow and threw it at Moony.
The pillow was fairly harmless when it hit the sandy-haired man, but the lamp that just missed him was far more dangerous. He took cover behind the couch and heard Sirius punctuate every word with throwing an object.
"I. Don't. Need. Any. Help." Pillow. Lamp. Firewhiskey. Glass. Book. " I. Just. Want. My. Memories." Trashcan. Plant. Picture. Painting. Chair.
Remus heard Sirius pant and slowly stood, ready to fall down at any moment. Sirius' whole body was tensed up and Moony was careful when he approached Padfoot.
Remus slowly stretched out his hand and waited for Sirius to react. He was patient when the man didn't react immediately, and kept his breathing slow as if to give his friend an example.
After a couple of minutes Sirius stretched out to hug him and held him tight. The man calmed as Remus began the first story of many. "You met James at one of the many gatherings your parents forced you to go to. Even though your families stood at different sides of the war, your mother found it prominent that they at least knew the Potters. You and James…."