Four Letter Words
EgoBoosters
Rated: T
Disclaimer: Not ours.
Warnings: possible OOCness and Flib's crappy writing
AN: This will be a series of one shots, each about a four letter word. This one is fear... And they won't all be in Naruto's perspective, though this one is... And, uhm... That's it.
o0o
Fear:
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of you, Sasuke. Not a single night goes by when I'm not scared. I'm scared that you're going to come back and ruin everything. I'm scared that you're going to cut off my safety net and leave me on a tightrope… suspended in the middle of the air.
Most normal people aren't afraid of their supposed best friends. But then again, I'm not most normal people. My best friend left me to find power. My best friend left me because he couldn't get strong enough with us, with me. My best friend is dead to me. And all that is left is you.
We've known each other for so long. We've been friends for so long. But now, every single second of my life is filled with fear. Fear that you're going to kill me just so you can kill Itachi. Fear is something I cannot escape from, because I see it in your face.
And I can't escape from your face.
Your clothes, your eyes, your hair; they visit me in dreams that quickly turn into nightmares. I'm trapped in a pit filled with darkness, everything so reminiscent of you.
There is not one detail that I can forget of you.
I want to forget you so badly. But you remain stubborn, forever imprinted in my mind.
I have a secret, Sasuke. A deep, dark secret born of desperation, bordering on insanity.
Sometimes... sometimes, I don't want you to come back. No one wanted you to leave, and it took us time to adjust to your absence. But now we're used to it, and life is finally moving on. And if you come back... the careful façade we have spent the last three years building and perfecting will shatter, and... don't do that to us.
You know we're living without you. And you can't stand it. Because you need to be needed, and you need us. We're the constants in your life, the steady support that you have been leaning on, that you will lean on, even if it kills you. What will you do when that support isn't there anymore? Because we don't need you. Not anymore.
You're not happy about that, Sasuke. I can tell, I can always tell when it comes to you. I know what you're thinking.
At the same time, my mind is screaming that this is all a lie, because...
I need you. I fear you. You're going to kill me one day, and I will lie in front of you, with my blood-splattered clothing, defenseless and alone.
I'm scared of being alone.
I'm not alone. I wasn't alone.
But then, that was then -this is now.
I'm alone now.
I never wanted you to leave me, but now you have, it's like one heavy stone has been lifted, and now a heavier one is put in its place.
Sometimes... sometimes... And I am once again consumed with bringing you back and the fear you carry. This is it, all it ever was, ever will be. All the years of our teamwork, rivalry, our friendship that never really was. It's fear, all encompassing, blinding, choking, deathly fear.
It's you and me. You and me.
Why?
Why me?
Why you?
Why were we, of all people, friends?
Because this is how friendships between people like us end up.
You want to kill me, and I... I'm scared.
I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night anymore, my skin damp with cold sweat, my voice hoarse from screaming pleas to deaf ears. I never beg for mercy, I never plead for life. But when it's you... When it's you, it's as if it's the only thing I can do.
I don't want to hear your voice anymore, persuading me to do things that I don't want to do. I don't want to see you, smiling that smile, which fills me with fear. I don't want to be like this.
You're beautiful, a deathly kind of beautiful, the kind of exquisite ornament that you admire from afar, the type that you never touch for the fear of some terrible retribution, and you'll remain there, hand outstretched, waiting for the day you fall for the temptation and let your fingers glide across the surface. I fall into that temptation. Something inside of me still succumbs to you, as it always did, always will. Something inside of me tells me that you are stronger than I am.
Do you know what that feels like? Being betrayed by yourself? That's the ultimate fear. It's raw and brutal and fierce and relentless. It consumes you until the fear is the only thing you can think of. You live it, you breathe it.
And I hate it.
I hate being like this. I hate being alone, and scared, waiting for my last strength to leave me totally vulnerable to your attacks. But you scare me, Sasuke. You scare me so damn much. And you know it. It's written all over your face. You know I'm scared, and that makes you happy. Because you still think fear equals weakness. But you're wrong. You're WRONG.
I'm stronger. I have a life to live, a life that no longer includes you. And I refuse to let fear rule me. I refuse to let you rule me. I am stronger than you. That's why I will face my fear. That's why I can face my fear and be the better, the stronger for it.
But Sasuke...
Can you?
After running away from them for so long, will you be strong enough?
Can face your fears?
o0o
We thank you for reading and hope it was worth your time.
And perhaps... I dunno... you could review too?
note: any part you like was written by the lovely chibibble.