This fic ties in with my fic A Ruler and A Strange Science Teacher and my friend igirisexual's two fics How Do You Say and But I Totally Rocked Out To Single Ladies... aiyaa sorry for any dumb mistakes ..
In all honesty, Yao and Kiku should have foreseen this situation. Alfred and Ivan in the same room for too long was never a good idea. If they even slightly bumped into each other in the staffroom during breaks, it would turn into an all out war about who was the better whatever out of the pair. Of course, the warfare was usually just a petty arm wrestling match, which Ivan almost always won. It was really a bloody wonder that Ivan just didn't break Alfred's hand so he would leave him alone. Maybe he liked the attention he got from the immature Physical Ed. teacher.
The other day, Yao had suggested to Kiku that they do a double date type thing. At the time they had thought it was a lovely idea, thinking they could get to know each other's boyfriend more, and just have a downright good time.
Well they were fucking wrong.
Yao couldn't even remember what sparked the argument, all he knew is that right now, Alfred had ripped off his shirt and was pathetically trying to keep his arm strong against Ivan's own fucking massive arm. Why did they have to do this all the time? Yao really questioned their ability to even take care of bickering students, let alone themselves.
Oh right, now Yao remembered why this was happening. It was kind of his fault, in all honesty. They had been chatting about nonsense mostly, in specific about how one time Kiku had opening the classroom he taught in to find Mr Kirkland and Mr Bonnefoy making out on his desk. This discussion progressed to talking about kissing. Yao proclaimed that Ivan was the best kisser he had ever had the pleasure of smooching with. Ivan was proud and smirked at Alfred, which of course, irked the American teacher.
Alfred had started whining and complaining about how he was in fact the best kisser, making kissy lips at Kiku and trying to get his boyfriend to give him a big smooch right then and there. Kiku just ignored him and looked away, leaning to the side somewhat. Yao laughed nervously, and Alfred and Ivan got closer and closer to each other from their own ends of the table of café they were spending their double date at.
Just as Yao thought that just maybe Ivan would become a responsible adult, their kind of sexual tension-y staring came to an end as Ivan smirked and stuck out his tongue, seeming to enrage Alfred beyond belief. Yao let out a sigh, looking away in embarrassment.
And that is how they ended up arm wrestling over the small table, and how Alfred had pulled off his shirt to show his muscles, as if it would somehow help him win the wrestling match.
"You're going down today you darn commie!" Alfred cried, trying his best to even move Ivan's arm slightly. Of course, Ivan didn't budge. It was as if he was some sort of attractive Russian muscle god. That's what Yao described him as, anyway. Ivan giggled, tilting his head in a childish sense.
"Did you know it is very racist to call me a 'commie', Mr Jones?" Ivan asked softly, increasing the hold on Alfred's hand, making Alfred cringe at the pain. "Besides I am not a communist! I do not have time for communism, as I am busy gracing children with science. What are you doing Mr Jones? Showing children your flab? Oh my," he smiled somewhat creepily. Kiku glanced at Yao and rolled his eyes, and Yao adjusted his glasses, smiling at people nervously when they looked over to their table.
"How is it racist when it's the truth?!" Alfred cried, sweating a whole tonne as he tried not to give in to Ivan's monster-muscle arms. "I bet your students are scared of you because you're trying to force your evil communist beliefs onto them, and they go home crying to their parents, claiming their evil, Russian science teacher is trying to brainwash them!" Kiku let out a bothered sigh, trying to sit as far away from Alfred as he could. Yao rubbed his forehead.
"I don 't teach my students communism, I teach them science! Science, Mr Jones! Do you even know what science is? Tell me, what is another name for DNA?" Ivan asked angrily, increasing his grip on Alfred's hand, smiling as if he was having fun. Well, he actually was having fun. Watching Alfred pathetically attempt to be as strong as him was always funny.
"It's a Double Helix, duh! That's so easy, dude! Do you think I'm stupid or something? Because that is, in fact, racist." Alfred scoffed, puffing out his cheeks childishly. Ivan huffed.
"I don't think you are stupid, and even if I did, that wouldn't be racist. I was just making sure you knew science, Mr Jones. I was unsure because you are probably currently unaware I am attempting to crush your hand as we wrestle, did you not notice I shifted my hand's position so I had the ability to break the bones? Human bodies are truly amazing. And weak." Ivan said softly, laughing as Alfred let out a panicked noise and tried to move his hand so it would be safe from Ivan's killer hand.
Kiku gave a look to say 'let's go', directing at Yao. The man simply nodded, glanced at his boyfriend and Alfred, and stood. Kiku stood too, and the pair walked away shamefully. They'd probably go outside while their boyfriends battled immaturely for however bloody long the nonsense would last.
"You really are evil; you're trying to break my hand!" Alfred exclaimed, pressing back really hard against Ivan's hand. Ivan shrugged.
"I am not evil, but I am trying to break your hand, in a playful way. I am kind and gentle, like a child. This is a fun game to me, Mr Jones!" Ivan replied, picking up the coffee he had ordered and sipping it mockingly at Alfred.
"Go to hell!" Alfred cried, arm beginning to tremble from all the pressure being placed on it.
"How rude," Ivan puffed, holding his head up high as if he was above Alfred. Well, yeah, he was above him when they stood beside each other, because Ivan was overly tall. "Do you speak to your students like that, Mr Jones? Why, I bet your classes are mostly just your students telling you not to do things, because you're terrifyingly reckless."
"They do not!" the American whined, feeling his mad wrestling skills begin to leave him. "I'm the best teacher ever! Way better than you! I bet I could even teach science better!" he exclaimed, certain of himself. Ivan rolled his eyes, finding the proclamation to be pretty amusing.
"Yeah right, unlike you, I'm actually qualified to teach science." he puffed, shaking his head at the man. Alfred used his free hand to push up his glasses that had been slipping down his face from all the movement he had been doing.
"Students actually like me, so that's why I'd be better!" Alfred said, disregarding just how cruel it was to say that. Ivan just tried to brush it off, keeping up the seemingly innocent smile he always wore.
"It is more important that they learn, regardless of whether they like the teacher or not." Ivan stated overly cheerily, only now deciding to put more pressure on Alfred's hand once more. Alfred let out a soft whine of pain, and Ivan felt the other man become weaker. Ivan had grown tired of this nonsense, as Alfred had actually hurt his feelings and it was no longer something fun. Ivan slammed Alfred's hand and arm rather violently against the table, looking away with a smile.
Alfred let out a cry of defeat, throwing himself against the table as if Ivan had actually pushed him down against the table entirely. Ivan just looked at him, raising his eyebrows in disbelief because Alfred was just so unbelievably childish. Ivan honestly couldn't believe this guy, who was now 'crying' on the table, was a supposed prodigy. The science teacher just kept looking at him, unable to even comprehend the idea of him possibly graduating from university so easily.
Ivan then noticed Yao and Kiku were no longer sitting with them, and they were no longer in the café, either.
"Alfred, where did Kiku and Yao go?" Ivan asked simply, looking around in confusion. Alfred sat up, pretending to wipe distressed tears from his eyes. He then noticed that they were in fact missing.
"I guess they had to leave because they couldn't handle the sight of my awesome body." Alfred shrugged, leaning back in his chair, as if nothing had actually happened. Ivan shook his head and stood up.
"I honestly doubt your flabby American body was the reason they left." Ivan replied, biting his lip. Now he felt kind of childish, for letting himself be pulled into such a silly argument with Alfred. Yao and Kiku probably left because they were acting so embarrassing. His darling math teacher was probably furious with his behaviour, oh no! Ivan didn't even look at Alfred, rushing out of the café without a second thought.
"Hey, commie, wait for me! Are you running because you're scared of me?" Alfred exclaimed, sliding out of his chair and stumbling after the Russian man in a panic. Ivan and Alfred found themselves outside the café looking around for their boyfriends. They were worried they had run off without them. Well, they were worried for completely different reasons. Ivan was scared that Yao was super mad at him for his behaviour and Alfred was worried that Kiku had been kidnapped by some evil super villain.
"Yao," Ivan whined loudly and pathetically looking around. Just as he was about to start panicking and get upset, he heard Yao call out to him. He felt relieved and kinda scared, worried Yao would scold and lecture him for acting like Alfred.
"Are you two done acting like hormonal teenage boys?" Yao asked, crossing his arms and wandering over to the pair of big dorks, Kiku trailing behind him, seemingly embarrassed by Alfred's behaviour. Alfred let out a relieved gasp, rushing over to Kiku and hugging him tightly, nearly knocking him to the ground in the process. Ivan just looked at Yao like a guilty dog. Yao sighed and shook his head, patting Ivan's chest gently.
"Kiku! Ivan broke my hand!" Alfred whined, pushing his 'broken' hand into Kiku's face. Ivan huffed.
"I didn't break it; I just hurt it quite a bit." Ivan replied, looking away. Yao just looked at them both, finding them to be terrifyingly immature.
"Liar! It hurts too much to not be broken! Kiku, kiss it better!" Alfred wailed, pushing his hand against Kiku's mouth now. Kiku squirmed in discomfort, trying to push him away.
"God… I swear you two…" Yao began, rubbing his forehead, slapping Alfred upside the head in annoyance, causing Alfred to let out a surprised cry and cower behind Kiku. "You two act as if you're the students rather than the teachers." Ivan puffed out his cheeks, looking down shamefully, scared of Yao's angry gaze. "Students that seem to have some sort of denied crush on each other. If you two love each other so much, why don't you just date each other?" Yao puffed, flicking Ivan's forehead and going to walk off.
"Ew! No homo, dude! I'd never date Ivan, I'd catch communism!" Alfred exclaimed, horrified by the idea. Ivan was pretty grossed out too.
"Mr Jones, you can't catch communism! I think you should take some time to go to one of Ludwig's history classes." he puffed, crossing his arms "I'd probably catch stupid and become an American if I ever dated you. Besides, I only love you, Yao!" the Russian whined, stumbling after his boyfriend as he went to leave the group.
"What do you mean 'no homo'?" Kiku asked, looking at Alfred curiously. "You're pretty homo if you're dating me." Alfred threw his arms around Kiku, pulling him into an overly childish embrace, nuzzling him.
"I'm hella homo for you, Kiku! Just not for Ivan, 'cause that'd be icky." Alfred scoffed, pressing his lips to Kiku's cheek. Kiku pushed Alfred's face away.
"We're in public." he stated quietly, looking down and blushing. Alfred smiled, poking Kiku in the side, causing the Japanese man to swat his hand away like a mother would a child who kept trying to touch something they weren't supposed to. "Stop messing around Alfred, if we don't catch up with my brother he's going to leave without us and we lose our free ride home."
Those two eventually caught up with Yao and Ivan, who had nicely waited for them. As they drove, Alfred kept boasting about how he was going to beat Ivan next time they wrestled and Ivan just ignored him or laughed softly as if someone told him a funny joke. Well, Alfred possibly winning a wrestling competition was a massive joke, to Ivan.
Yao was glad when he dropped Kiku and Alfred off at Alfred's place, because finally it was peaceful without the bothersome Physical Education teacher accompanying them in the car. Yao dropped Ivan home and then he returned to his own home, glad the day was just over. He would not ever be going on a double date with that lot again, as it was just asking for pointless arguing and Alfred thinking it's a good idea to take off his clothes.
Yao couldn't deny that Ivan was pretty hot though, even if he had only really gotten to see his arms while wrestling. But now was not the time to be thinking about Ivan's muscles, as he had paper work to fill out and math homework assignments to mark.