They were driving through the rolling hills of upstate New York. Snow capped mountains in the distance and white tipped pines as far as he could see. The heat in his little S5 was cranked up to the max. He probably should have brought his husbands car but he just didn't like the feel of T'Challas gas guzzler.
Why his husband wanted a big truck he would never know, he liked smaller cars himself. They were just more practical. Maybe T'Challa just wanted more room to haul around their 2 kids and all their crap. God knows all of them in the little 2 door Audi was a tight fit. Peter and Wade were practically sitting on each other back there. He let his mind wander a bit as he drove, thinking about some work he needed to finish before Christmas so Pepper wouldn't gut him like a fish.
Sometimes, he thought, owning your own tech company was a major hassel. But it made a good life for his family.
"Dad, can you tell us again where we're going?" Peter asked.
"We're kicking off our fun, Christmas season by heading out to the boonies in the old front-wheel drive Audi to embrace the horriffic death filled winter highways and select that most important of Christmas traditions." Tony replied back.
"Which hotel Grandpa Howard is staying in?" Peter asked.
Tony huffed, "No after he got ringworms from the last one the old bastard refuses to stay in one now.."
"We're not driving way out here so you can get one of those stupid Christmas sweaters, are we, Dad?" Wade asked him in a bored voice.
"No, I have ten of those at home." Tony said, annoyed, "Stop buying them for me."
"What we're looking for today is the Stark family Christmas tree." Tony stated enthused.
"We should have brought my car," T'Challa told him, "Where, exactly do you plan on sticking this tree?"
"Up your ass if you keep bitchin about your car!" T'Challa rolled his eyes.
"I'm not going to be the one lying on top of the car trying to hold it down this year because you forgot the rope again.." T'Challa said.
"Don't worry.. I remembered everything this time."
"Hmmm, did you turn the stove off?"
"Uuuhh, yeeesss..."
"Tony!"
"Already taken care of Boss!" FRIDAY, his AI, told him through the cars speakers
Tony stuck his tongue out at his husband. T'Challa smirked and with lightning fast reflexes snatched it between his fingers
"Ooooow! Vat vuts vavy.. et it o..."
"Oh God" Peter moaned from the back.
They kept driving, they weren't to far from the tree farm. He noticed a large rusty truck coming up behind him pretty fast. It came right up on his back bumper, he could see two hillbilly looking dudes laughing in his mirror.
"Dickheads.." He muttered under his breath.
"What's the matter now?" T'Challa asked
"Some country hillbilly buttlicker is riding my ass."
"We're in New York, not North Dakota. You can't really call them hillbillies. Slow down and let him go by."
"Nah, not my style babe." he grinned.
He slowed down enough for the truck to start to pass, but when they got side by side he hit the gas. He liked going fast anyway.
"Let's race you bumpkins!" He shouted.
"Please do not provoke them." T'Challa said tiredly.
"Hey, kids. Look, a hooker in the snow!"
While they had their heads turned he flipped the hillbillies off and mouthed a "Fuck you dippshits" at them.
They sped up more, but so did he.
"Tony! Slow down!"
"You want to ride behind somebody who drives like that?"
"I wouldn't talk if I were you, your driving isn't much better," smiled T'Challa.
"Why did I marry you again? I get nothing but disrespect from you." he teased back
"Because I have a big..." T'Challa started
"OK! I'm just going to pull around them, eat my rubber cockheads."
"Did you just tell them to eat a condom?" T'Challa asked. "I know I have never learned all your American sayings, but that is new to me."
"Dad, I think what you mean eat my dust." Peter told him.
"Whatever, Petey. Let Daddy handle it. I know what I'm doing."
He floored it. Speeding past, T'Challa and the kids flew back against their seats.
"Eat my shit, clodhoppers! HA HA!" he yelled as he past.
T'Challa slid down in his seat, clearly embarrassed. Oh well. He knew what Tony was like when he married him 15 years ago.
"There we go. We showed those billies, didn't we? Hey! Speaking of Christmas can you tell me what you want the old Fat Man to bring you this year?"
"A lifetime supply of anxiety medicine.." T'Challa stated weakly.
"Ass..."
He continued on his drive, taking in the scenery. Nice, but he'd rather be near the city.
"Uh Dad. They're back again."
Tony looked in his mirror. Son of a bitch. The truck was about to pass him again. How did that old clunker go so fast. Fuck it, he thought, I'll show em who the speed steed is.
He floored his Audi prepared to go around. He should have checked back in his mirror. He would have seen the semi coming up to pass.
" Tony, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead. My sister will be very unhappy."
"Honey, please. I'll do the driving, okay? I'm in totally in control."
"If you say so.."
"I'll get us around this cocksucker." He whipped the wheel left, and took them right underneath a semi truck. The wheels of the thing were bigger than his car.
His eyes widened comically. "Huh, I thought this only happened in Vin Diesel movies"
"Oh my God! Tony! What the hell we're stuck under a fucking truck!"
" Yes dear, I can see that. Totally cool. I totally had this planned. It's all good, see we're almost around the pig farmers."
"Love a duck, can you be serious about anything?"
"...No...?"
"TONY!"
"I hope we don't pop a tire while we're under here." Wade said
"Not helping here Wade!" Tony said as mud and debris from the truck coated the windshield.
"Us.. I hope the big rig doesn't pop a tire. Is this our Final Destanation?" Peter asked.
"PETER!" Tony exclaimed.
"Dear Bast, who runs with panthers...hallowed be Thy name. Please forgive my idiot husband. He knows not what he does." T'Challa prayed.
"AMEN!"
He whipped the wheel right , pulling them toward a huge snowpile.
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!"
The car flew over at full speed, almost clipping a snowplow. Right into the tree lot. He slammed the brakes, taking out 3 trees and a Christmas banner as he came to a stop. Some old bat with a feathered hat flipped him the bird.
Glancing back he saw the kids were tossed all over the car. Wades feet were up in the back window and Petes were spread out on each side of the front seats.
"Hey, look! We're here. We made good time." he smiled.
"I hate you.." T'Challa said..
"Dad, what was the point in going to the Christmas tree lots if we're just going to trek out in the woods for a tree?" Peter asked him
"Most people, they're satisfied with scrawny, half dead trees with no character. But us we're going to get the best fucking tree you will ever see. Grown out in the wild blue yonder, untouched by man."
"I can tell you what else won't be touched by man," T'Challa whispered to him. "You, never again. Because I believe my dick has frozen off..."
"My toes are numb. I can't feel my ass. Papa, I can't feel my ass." Wade stuttered.
"Tony?"
"Yea babe?"
"Wade can't feel his ass."
"Perfectly normal, nothing to worry about. No one ever gets frostbite on their ass. You'll be fine kiddo. All part of the Christmas adventure."
He looks around the forest. Damn that a lot of trees, he thought. Then he saw it. A little off to itself basking in a ray of sunlight.
"There she is. Look at her, just beautiful, just waiting to be claimed like a hooker on Friday night."
"TONY!"
"Why didn't we just use the pine tree in our front yard?" Wade asked. "Then we wouldn't be standing out here, in the middle of nowhere, in negative temps like a bunch of fucking morons."
"Wade, watch the language." T'Challa told him
"Flick my balls.."
"Tony, talk to him."
"Listen to your Papa, Wade." He said distracted. Looking at his prize in glory.
"Um, Dad?"
"Yeah Pete?"
"Did you bring a saw. Or an axe? Maybe a shovel?"
"...Mother fucker..."
"TONY!"
They all ended up digging the huge monster tree out with their hands, then manhandled it back to the car. The owners of the tree lot taking pictures of their misfortune.
He did manage to wheedle some rope out of the old bastard after he had stopped laughing at him. The damn thing was so big he drove home with his head hanging out the window Ace Ventura style. The weight of the monster making the little Audi scrape the highway as he drove.
Fuck Yeah.. Like a Boss