Stopping The Tears
He's crying again. I can hear his soft sobs coming through the bathroom wall. He didn't used to do this. Not 'til Buffy interfered and made him feel like dirt.
Things used to be great between us when we first started. All happiness and sunshine, so to speak. Then little Miss Bitch came along and had to ruin it, just like she always does when she thinks she's losing control of her little gang.
We were hiding it from her, Xan and I. Then she "accidentally" walked in without knocking and caught us in the act. Almost got me self staked that day. And the look on his face, he was mortified. I could smell the despair as the tears started welling up in his eyes.
Buffy runs at me with her stake, screaming, "Reverse the spell!"
"What bloody spell," I shouted back, dodging Mr. Pointy.
"The spell that made Xander do this, you undead pervert."
"There was no sodding spell, slayer, and this doesn't concern you." I told her.
"No spell? Like Xander would ever do something like this if he wasn't under a spell. He would never do something as disgusting as sleeping with a soulless killer! Right, Xan?" She sneered.
He didn't speak. Just stared back and forth between us, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. A fish lying on the beach gasping for air, trying so damn hard to figure out how he got out of the water, his safety net. Wishing for a way back.
And it suddenly became clear to me that I might just end up dust. 'Cause even though he cared about me, he cared about his friends even more.
"Xander?" Buffy questioned again.
"I… I'm so sorry, Buffy." He croaked, letting his tears finally fall.
All at once, she got a disgusted look on her face, shouting, " How could you? You make me sick! You're sleeping with a man- no a creature- that used to kill people. And not just adults, but children! Don't bother coming to the meetings anymore. You're no longer welcome there."
And with that she stormed out of the basement. Xander stared after her for a minute or two before collapsing on the floor, curling up like a baby.
I rushed to his side and knelt down, "Xan?"
"Don't touch me. I hate you." He spat. I flinched back from the venom in his words. 'It was just the heat of the moment, right? That's all it is.' I told myself. But I knew it really wasn't. I knew what we had was gone now. That from then on out it would just be something ugly.
And so from that day on, he's gone back and forth from not touching me to touching me and locking himself in the bathroom afterward.
There's nothing I can do but lie here in the bed where we've just made love and listen as he cries himself better again. As he scrubs the scent of blood, tobacco, and sex off of himself. Rubs his skin raw.
So that's what I do. I lie here and wait. Wait for my white knight to come back out and pretend that none of this ever happened.
As I lie here, I can feel myself drifting off. Drifting… drifting… into a dream world, the only world where me and Xan still have a happy relationship.
Then it wafted toward my nose. The faintest smell of iron. I know that smell. The milliseconds ticked by and the scent got stronger. Blood.
I'm up and at the door in a matter of seconds. "Xan? Xander, you alright in there?" I call through the door. I get no response.
'Just calm down, Spike; he probably just nicked himself shaving, is all. And you know he isn't gonna answer you while he's in there.' I tried calming myself down.
"Xander, I just need to know if you're alright, okay. So just…answer me." I spoke louder. Still I got no response.
I listened hard with my senses, then wished that I hadn't. I heard nothing. Not a breath, not a heartbeat, not even a damn drop of water falling from the tub spigot.
"Xan, if you don't answer me, I'm breaking the door down!" You could hear the panic rising in my voice. Still, he didn't answer.
I slammed through the door, only to fall to my knees at the sight that lay before me. "Bloody hell, what have you done!" I cried, burying my face in my hands. My eyes stung with unshed tears as I tried to erase the image that would forever burn in my mind.
My love, my sweet, sweet Xander, lying in the tub. The water crimson red with his blood. I didn't even have to listen to his pulse to know he was gone.
So I did the only thing I could do. I pulled his lifeless body out of the water and carried his body to his bed. I lied him down and covered him up, getting under the covers with him. I leant over the side of the bed and flipped the wooden table that was there upside down, breaking off one of the legs. I gave him one last kiss on his soft pink lips before plunging the make-shift stake into my cold dead heart.