"...and dating."
As soon as the words leave your mouth, you try to act like it didn't take every ounce of courage you have to say them. You don't want her to date, unless she's dating you. The thought of her with someone else kills you. You wonder if you dating Dani has the same effect on her, but you don't have long to think about that before you see Brittany looking at you in a way you know too well. You know this look, you've seen it in bed, in janitors closets, in bathrooms at clubs you were too young to even be in.
You don't even have time to prepare before her lips meet yours. Your senses go into overdrive as you feel her hand on your cheek, her thumb gently stroking down your jaw. It takes half a second for you to kiss her back. It's natural, it's home. You can't fight it. It's what you were born to do. Brittany briefly pulls back to get a better angle so she can kiss you deeper, and that's when reality comes flooding back. You remember Dani, you remember the break up, you remember the nights you've spent with a bottle of wine looking through Brittany's Facebook wondering if you'll ever be in a picture with her again. So you pull away. You don't want to do it, but you have to.
"Okay, okay," you say, buying yourself some time to actually form coherent speech. "It's a bad idea." You leave out the rest. It's a bad idea, I have to break up with Dani first. It's a bad idea, we could get caught. It's a bad idea, please be sure this is what you really want. I can't go through this again.
"It feels really good to be around you," Brittany says. "You make me feel like a girl again. Like my body wakes up." You can feel yourself slipping back into this so easily. It feels like you've never been away. Like Brittany hasn't been in MIT for months and you haven't been in New York pretending you're happy with another girl. "Please don't do this, okay?" you ask. You love Brittany, you always will. But you can't kiss her and just be friends. You need to be in a relationship with her or you need to be just friends. You can't blur the lines.
"I have worked my ass off to get over you." It's the truth. You've tried dating - you slept around when you got to New York, you took girls on dates, you've tried being in a relationship. You've tried getting rid of stuff that reminds you of her in your apartment. You've tried. But you leave out the part about how you haven't succeeded. Not even close.
Brittany gets up, you think she's going to walk away. That she's grown tired of playing these games. But then. "I really wanna be with you, Santana." You aren't even sure if you heard her correctly or if you're just imagining things. "I've seen the world, and I'm sure now more than ever that I belong with you," Brittany says, and fuck. This is everything you've wanted to hear since you stupidly broke up with her. "And I'm sure your girlfriend's great…" Your girlfriend. It should make you feel awful that you're sitting here with the love of your life, having just kissed her, listening to these words, because you have a girlfriend. But you don't. That's how you know that what you feel for Brittany is what you heart really wants. "...but you can't recreate what you and I have." Brittany tells you, and she's right. There's no-one else in this world you could imagine having this sort of relationship with, this level of understanding. You get each other, you click, you're meant to be.
You still haven't spoken, but Brittany's leaning forward and leaning in and you think she's going in for another kiss, when she moves to your cheek. She makes sure to get right in so you can feel her breath on your skin. "It's your choice," she whispers, and the tone of it sends shivers down your spine. You're sure if you were standing up, you'd have felt your legs start to shake. You look at her, and she looks back, leaving the decision up to you. "If you want me, I'm here," she says, as she walks away.
You watch her leave until she's completely out of your sight, and then let out a sigh. You're going to have to break up with Dani.