Title: Guilt-ridden
Summary: When Hermione, Harry and Ron come back from the Mystery Department of the Ministry, not everything is quite the same. Harry grieves over his loss of Sirius lonely, while Hermione, who has to stay in the Hospital wing like Ron, feels the urge to talk to someone. Who can take the weight of her guilt-ridden feelings?
It had been an awfully hot day as Ginny had told them, when she'd visited Hermione and her brother in the hospital wing. But the white, plain curtains held back most of the unpleasant warmth.
Of course, there were certain occasions when the remaining Gryffindors wished to experience some of the warm weather and join their comrades in the grounds of Hogwarts, but at the moment they were still not quite able to do that. Although Hermione felt better from day to day, she still had to take a lot of portions, and Madam Pomfrey wouldn't allow her to take them herself, even though Hermione assured her that she was responsible enough to do that. Ron on the other hand didn't feel the need to leave the wing and attend lessons again and on top of that enjoyed the presents Charlie sent him. His chocolate frogs were now joined by Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and little licorice snails which where creeping in a great jar.
"And there isn't exactly much to do," Ginny told them when she finished her report about the cheering Gryffindors who celebrated Umbridge's sacking nearly every night with a great amount of Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs now. "You know, as there is no Defense Against the Dark Arts anymore and the teachers aren't very eager to do much stuff in class either. Of course the only ones who still do proper lessons are Snape and Professor McGonagall."
"Thought she wouldn't trouble you so much, now that she's is just out of St. Mungo's." Ron said.
"Ron!" said Hermione indignantly.
"What? I just mean, she could be nicer. It's nearly summer holidays!"
"Yes, but I think she is just concerned people will not have learned enough, because she has spent so many days in the hospital, and therefore will have problems next school year!" Hermione replied resolutely. "What about Harry? Have you seen him lately? He left quite early yesterday," Hermione ignored Ron for his rude remark about Professor McGonagall.
"Maybe it's because you keep reading this stuff about him in the Prophet aloud to everyone, especially him, and it makes him sick", Ron remarked cutting.
"No, I think he is rather relieved that people finally acknowledge that he was telling the truth all along! And you should be relieved, too, Ron! He used to shout at us a lot of times because nobody cared about him telling the truth if you remember. I think it is something else that bothers him and he will tell us, when we get out of here and have a little more privacy", she cast a glance at Umbridge quickly, "but as long as that is not happening, I can do without your snide remarks!" Hermione said and thus the conversation was finished. As long as Ginny was there Ron and Hermione didn't have the nerve to talk to each other.
"I think I saw him today at Hagrid's", Ginny referred to the question Hermione had asked before. "He's been wandering around a lot lately. Doesn't talk that much, but I think that's just natural." She lowered her voice. "I think Harry misses Sirius a lot. Dean told me, that he is often already asleep when the other boys come to the dorm, and he's the first to leave it every morning. Dean thinks Harry wants to avoid them, but of course he thinks Harry behaves oddly because of our adventure to the Ministry. Nobody really knows."
The three looked down to the floor.
"We all miss Sirius", said Hermione, quietly, "in some way or another. He wasn't always nice to everyone, but … Like last Christmas, the house seemed so friendly and bright and we had so much fun, although it was … difficult times…" her voice died out, as she still gazed on her blanket.
Ginny nodded, but they all remained silent until Ginny left to find Harry and give him some company by somebody who might understand his loss.
Ron and Hermione still didn't talk when they laid down to sleep. Harry didn't show up, so Hermione continued reading until she took her potions and Ron sorted his new chocolate frog cards before his regular evening medical treatment.
It was not until Umbridge, who was the only other person in the hospital, was clearly asleep that Hermione felt the urge to talk again. She turned around in her bed to see Ron lying on the stomach in his bed crunching his face against his pillow, already taking deep breaths.
"Ron", Hermione whispered. There was no reply. "Are you sleeping?"
"Oomph… whaddsup?" Ron mumbled.
"Oh, okay. Well, nothing."
There was silence again. Hermione still watched Ron as he was lying there, the moonlight making his freckled face pale and a bit blueish. He looked so cold like a man made of ice, no comma needed or like a corpse. Hermione shuddered. She had seen pictures of dead people. They were really white and… no, no, that was something completely different. She saw Ron's chest moving rhythmically up and down and heard his breath. He was definitely nothing like a dead person. Hermione told herself, that it was quite natural to form these thoughts. The last few days were confusing or rather exhausting. Hermione sighed deeply. She really needed a break. But now that Voldemort was back, something like a relaxing vacation seemed rather unreal and more complicated than ever.
As Hermione now planned to turn around again, she suddenly noticed that Ron had opened one eye sleepily and gazed at her.
"'Asked you waddsup", he mumbled again.
"Nothing. It's really nothing."
"Yeah, greaddeal o' nuffing if you assure id 'wice", he mumbled again. The pillow disabled a better pronunciation.
"You know, I was just thinking we could talk a bit about… everything, now that Umbridge is asleep, and Madam Pomfrey won't notice, either."
"Okay…" Ron tried to sit up his bed wearily, "then let's talk. What do you want to talk about?"
Surprised by the offer, Hermione didn't know how to respond, or, better yet, where to begin.
"It's just that – well, this is certainly not common for me – I don't know what to do … well, what to say… you know, to Harry. You didn't mean it when you said, I made him sick, did you? I … We must talk about what happened, we certainly must, and - well… he acts so weird. I mean, weirder than before. Of course it's a great loss, but … we're at war, aren't we?" Her voice trembled a bit and was a little shrill. "I… just don't know - I mean, I really thought I could make Harry stay. I thought, that when Harry checked Grimmauld Place, Sirius would be there and that would stop Harry. But… that was a mistake, a stupid mistake, right?" Her voice trembled even more with these words. "I knew that it was a trap, I felt it, but nobody would listen to me, right?", Hermione nearly cried, obviously furious. "And… and now, Sirius is gone, and we cannot talk with Harry and …. And…. I ought to know… It was my mistake. I couldn't make Harry stay!" A single tear arose in her eye and made its way down her cheek.
Ron was now gazing at his blanket. One could see, he felt a bit uneasy, when more tears slowly emerged from Hermione's eyes and fell down on her sheets. Then Ron cleared his throat nervously. Hermione was surprised to hear that in the course of his next words that he also fought down a thick lump in his throat.
"Hermione" He still didn't look at her. "I'm not sure if Harry wants to talk about Sirius. Let's see if he comes up with… the topic. Please, don't blame yourself. Even a thousand Hermiones couldn't have held him back. It's a mistake we all made. Bloody hell, I felt uneasy about it too – you know, getting into the sodding ministry, fighting there, whatever, whoever, had captured Sirius. But I didn't say anything. You at least tried. So please, don't blame yourself." At that point, Hermione began to sob and cry even more.
"Thaa- thanks, Ron. Buu- but I am not really con- convinced," she answered stubbornly. "I could– could have come u- up with some- something else… I know I– I could have."
Still blaming herself for Sirius's death, she continued crying, but it was more like silent tears and some little hiccups. She watched the tears dripping to the sheets again.
For some moments nothing seemed to happen. Then Ron sighed.
"Hermione, really, you know how bad I am at that girl stuff." He got up from his bed and sat down next to Hermione again. "This whole thing about crying and stuff. And patting the girls back." He patted her shoulder shyly a few times. "No wonder, Harry didn't really enjoy his dates with Cho when she was just a sprinkler. Kind of like you are now," he teased her gently.
Hermione sobbed once loudly, then hit Ron's shoulder with her fist, before she leaned her head against it and sobbed a bit more.
"Ouch!" Ron cried out, bit surprised. "Why did you hit me? I'm just trying to comfort you! Or, at least, I try to…"
Hermione hit him again, with every of her following words.
"You - are - such - an – idiot – and -" But Ron never found out what he was apart from an idiot, because Hermione flung her arms around him. He hugged her back, flustered.
A few more minutes passed, during which Hermione still cried on Ron's shoulder until no more tears came. Ron's pajamas were quite wet on the shoulder, but in an odd way he didn't mind. He patted her back some more, unaware of whether it was really working or not.
"Thanks", Hermione muttered.
"Erm… you're welcome", Ron answered.
"Yes, you truly are bad at girl's stuff", Hermione smiled.
"Yeah…"
There was another moment of silence. Normally they fought the whole day, so this repeated loss of words were emphasizing the sudden quietness. It was a bit odd, a bit confusing and a bit embarrassing.
"I still think we should try to talk to Harry", Hermione continued.
"Dunno. Give him time."
"But…" New tears welled up in Hermione's eyes and she silently cursed herself for her great emotional output. "… He has too. It's not good if he holds everything back."
"Maybe he talks with Hagrid. Ginny said she has seen him at Hagrid's hut, and he knew Sirius too." said Ron.
"But…" Here the tears made their way down Hermione's face. Ron felt fairly uneasy again. "What if I want to talk about Sirius? A lot of people might die in the future. People we know. People we love. I cannot bottle it up, even if I wish I could do."
"If you want… you could talk about it now." Ron gave her a weak smile.
By getting Hermione to talk Ron stayed a little longer on her bed than he had intended to. After some time, Hermione moved a bit aside and offered him a bit of her blanket, as she had accidently touched his feet which felt quite cold. The whole time she spoke.
And once again, Ron realized that, although Hermione had so much control over her magical powers and so much knowledge, she was a normal girl who was afraid, that her loved ones might die.
After an hour or so, Hermione ordered Ron to get into his own bed again.
"If Madam Pomfrey came around, what would she think?" Hermione asked concerned.
"Well, maybe she would think something naughty or whatever?", Ron suggested and got another punch into his arm, before he went into his own bed again.
"Good night, Ron."
"G' night, Hermione."
Authors Note: I want to thank my marvellous beta-readers: catersdaughter and Mingo-la. I really appreciated your critics and judgement. Thank you very much!