AN INTERVIEW WITH SETO KAIBA
Seto: I am sick of all this shit about Yami, Fuck him! I am sick of his pussy ass interview TV show. So now, I present to you, "An Interview with Seto Kaiba". First off I will be interviewing Ryou.
-Ryou comes out-
Ryou: Goddamn! You have dancers on your show? Bakura and Yami don't have dancers on their shows.
S: Fuck yeah I have dancers. Without dancers, you don't have a TV show.
R: Amen to that one!
-Seto and Ryou body slam-
R: You knocked the fuckin' wind out of me!
S: Oh, yeah, I saw Bakura out the other day.
R: Really? Where?
S: Puffin' on three cigarettes, blowin' down main street.
R: Huh…I wondered what he has been doing in his spare time.
S: That's not the only things that he has been puffin' on lately.
-The door slams open-
Marik: I can attest to that.
S: What the fuck are you doing here?!
R: Excuse me?
M: Oh yeah, he gave me a hum- nothing!
S: You little!
-Seto chokes Marik until his eyes fall out-
M: Lord help air!
R: He ain't saving your ass.
M: He was testing out a new idea on me to see if it was good and that you would like it!
S: Really?
-Seto lets go of Marik's throat. Ryou nearly passes out-
R: What the fuck?!
S: Aw, I feel like an asshole.
M: You are what you is.
-Seto slaps Marik-
S: Yeah, Bakura and I went out on a few dates. I see no problem there. He was a cheap fuck. I loved that.
R: Ok…it's his personal life and I don't need to get involved.
M: Damn right. You don't need to be getting into his personal life.
S: You're a douche bag. You did.
M: I am what I is.
S: You son of a- what? You agree with me?
M: Well, yeah. I'm not an asshole. I know the truth.
-Ryou snickers-
R: In your face.
S: Blow me.
R: No thank you. Marik will though.
-Seto explodes in anger-
R: I'm- what the fuck?!
-Bakura walks in and sticks his foot up Marik's ass-
M: Maybe I should just go.
-Bakura grabs Marik by his hood-
Bakura: To hell you are!
M: What would I have to give you in order for you to let me go?
-Bakura stops to think-
B: I wanna be famous. You don't have to be a selfish asshole.
R: Yeah he does. It is in his contract.
B: What?
S: It does?
-Ryou pulls out a huge stack of paper-
S: Goddamn!
M: Tell me about it. I have to sign and initial each piece of paper.
S: Let me see that!
-Seto rips the papers from Ryou's hands-
S: Hey! I signed this! And it says here on page 8 million 500 and 52 that "Marik is to be a selfish self-centered asshole forever and for eternity too." As Seto Kaiba, I stand corrected.
B: How could you sign this piece of shit's contract?!
S: I dunno. I was probably high at the time.
R: High on what?
S: Weed, coke, speed. The whole nine yards. What else are you supposed to do when you have money hanging out of your asshole and no friends?
B: I have to respect that.
R: Buy some fuckin' friends..
-Balloons fall from the ceiling-
B: P to the a to the t to the r to the y. PARTY!
R: Tard.
-Seto slaps Bakura in the head-
R: Hey! That's my job.
-Seto clonks Ryou and Bakura's heads together-
B: Christ!
S: Don't say that! I don't need Jesus here right now! I don't want him to find out about my mistresses.
M: You had a mistress?
S: Actually, I have 12. I call them my apostles.
-Bakura rolls his eyes-
M: Stupid fuck.
R: You call them your apostles? How fuckin' old school is that? Why don't you just call them your hoes?
S: I don't know. I am busy man.
B: Yeah, busy fucking off.
-Seto slaps Bakura-
S: I'll fuck you of- I mean up! I'll fuck you up.
B: I know that everyone wants to fuck me, but let's keep this shit under control. Ryou is the only guy here with anal pleasures.
R: Anal pleasures? What the hell does that mean?!
M: How do I put this…?
S: You like to have a penis up your ass! That's what it goddamn means!
-Marik swallows the doughnut hole that he is heating whole and Ryou has to save him from choking-
R: What?!
B: Who the fuck would come up with a sick idea like that?
S: I believe that it was Elton John.
B: Faggot pig…
M: Now we are talking!
S: What the fuck are you talking about? You sucked Yami off!
M: Huh? Oh yeah…but you got fucked in the ass by Yami.
S: Not denying it…but it was actually Duke.
M: My apologies.
B: You guys are pigs.
-Seto and Marik take a bow-
B: I hate you guys.
R: Then why do you hang around with us then?
B: You are the exception….but those two I dunno. They have good taste in women, when they are dating them and they throw awesome parties.
S: You do too.
M: That reminds me, Seto. Bakura, why weren't we invited to that party that you had the other night. For fuck's sake Yami was invited!
S: Yeah! Where the fuck do you get off?
B: Well, usually at my house. Or a motel room.
-Marik slaps Bakura-
R: That is not what he meant.
S: Yeah. Even I caught on.
B: I did not invite you guys because you fucked me over.
M: What? How did I fuck you over!
S: I know that I did.
B: Where do I begin?
-Bakura pulls out a binder-
M: What the fuck is that?
B: It is a binder with all of the times that Marik fucked me over.
-Seto lets out a low whistle-
S: Wow.
R: Yeah, I know. He always yaks about it. You get to know it by heart about by the hundredth time that he goes through it. I know his bullshit speal by heart.
S: I'm sorry,
B: Yeah, Maybe some money out of your wallet will help ease his pain.
S: Fuck you! I'm not that sorry! You need to have your head examined.
B: I know. I am going to see my Therapist tonight at four.
M: Seto doesn't want to hear about this shit! He's got his own problems to worry about.
B: Like what?
S: Mokuba is getting his driver's license.
-Seto rips a section of his hair out-
S: What?! I forgot all about that. Great. Now my new car is going to be ruined.
R: What kind of car is it?
S: A neon.
-Obnoxious laughter-
S: What is so fuckin' hilarious?
M: A neon! Come on! Can't you do better?!
S: not with Mokuba getting his license and getting ready to go to college.
M: Even I can afford a better car and I live in an apartment. In the Bronx section of Egypt!
B: lucky, I have never been to the Bronx.
R: It's a shithole.
M: Just like your house!
B: Yeah. Just like my h-You piece of shit!
-Bakura tackles Marik over the sofa-
M: Blow job!
R: I'll go get Yami.
-Ryou leaves-
S: What a pimp.
M: Yeah. I respect him.
To be continued!