Title: The Secret Spell
Rating: K
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
Author: Singing Violin
Summary: A fill-in-the-blanks explaining some mysteries surrounding Buffy's death and resurrection.
Disclaimer: The Buffyverse and characters therein are not mine.
Feedback: Always welcome and appreciated, as long as you've actually read the story.
Archiving: Feel free to archive this elsewhere, but please let me know where and/or ask permission first.

Chapter Title: Weeping Willow
Summary: What really happened when Willow came to tell Angel of Buffy's death?

"It's Buffy," he utters softly.

The sadness in the redhead's face is unmistakable; her presence can have no other motive.

Intellectually, he knows, yet his still heart does not grasp the concept; he hopes the news is not what his brain has instantly concluded.

He swoops towards the young witch and ushers her into a private room, leaving his companions behind without another word of explanation. She wilts only slightly; she has had time to process the news, especially as she witnessed the event itself. He bids her sit, though he remains standing before her.

"What happened?" he asks, his voice thick with trepidation.

She shakes her head. "We couldn't protect Dawn. Glory took her. The portal was already open. Buffy jumped to close it. She...she sacrificed herself, Angel. To save us all. But it's our fault. We could have protected Dawn better. I was too occupied with Tara. Glory got to her, and I saved her, but I lost Buffy. It's my fault. I'm so sorry."

As she speaks, his heart begins to feel the weight of grief, lying heavy in his chest. He collapses into the seat beside her, hanging his head in his hands. "There's enough blame to go around," he mutters. "After Joyce passed, I came to see if she was okay. She asked me if I could stay forever. Then she said it was a bad idea, told me to go home, that I couldn't help. Maybe if I'd argued...if I'd been there, maybe..."

Finally, it begins to hit him, and he covers his face with his hands to hide the tears that are collecting behind his lids. What he hasn't admitted is the utter frustration of his own sacrifice, more than a year ago; he could have been happy with her, alive; he was, for a whole day, but he gave up his life because alive he couldn't protect her, and he feared she'd perish: he was certain that, if he continued as a soldier and away from her, that at least she would live. Apparently his sacrifice was for naught; he finds himself wishing he'd chosen happiness with her, even if it were only for a short while before they were both killed in battle.

Willow can't bear to see her friend like this, and she reaches out to hug him.

As one of his tears falls onto her shoulder, she mutters a prayer...

Let his pain be mine.

There is a flash of light, but neither notices.

The only thing the redhead feels for a moment is a heaviness, an overwhelming urge to cry, or to hit something. She realizes belatedly that these are the vampire's burdens she is now carrying, and she wonders whether she is strong enough to weather them.

A sob escapes her lips, unbidden but unavoidable, and he holds her tighter. "It's going to be okay," he tells her solidly. Of course, it is a line he has rehearsed many times, and told many people, whether or not he believed it to be true at the time.

This time, he finds, surprisingly, that he does believe it. It is as if a burden has been lifted from him, and he finds comfort in comforting the one in his arms. He knows, somehow, that he will be okay.

Still, he wonders how he could possibly be dealing with this so well. After all, he gave up the one thing he wanted most: to live, in order that she could, and it didn't keep her alive. Yet he finds himself virtually unaffected; he still has his mission, and he feels strong and capable.

Finally, Willow pulls away. "I should go," she utters. "Things to do."

Already, her mind is at work scheming, because it doesn't seem fair that Buffy should be gone when they have all fought so hard to protect her even as she was protecting the world. Willow herself knew, the moment Buffy died, that she would be struggling to keep up, but now that she has Angel's pain as well, it is unbearable. She must do something. She is a powerful witch. Maybe there is something she can do...for Angel, and for all of them.

But in the meantime, she needs time: to prepare, to think.

Angel needs time too. "Me too," he replies, contemplatively. "But I think I need to go away for a while, work through this."

She nods. "I think that would be a good idea," she agrees.

Within the hour, both of them are gone: Willow, back to Sunnydale, and Angel off on a mission to discover meaning in his unlife now that Buffy is gone forever.