Really want to kiss you
A/N. This is a crossover with the campfire scene in "My own private idaho", but you don't have to have seen it to understand this.
Characters etc belong to JK Rowling, obviously and some words belong to my own private idaho.
Thanks to totemo (read her stuff when you're done reading this-it's really good) for beta reading this for me with her freakish, Remusesque knowledge of grammar. Hope you like it.
Remus sees Sirius stagger into the dormitory, the open door letting in some of the noise from the party downstairs in the Common room
Remus is sitting on the floor of the dormitory, trying to read a book. Really he's wondering what Sirius is getting up to at the party in the Common Room. Probably flirting with every girl in sight and trying to forget about his werewolf friend who's moping about in his room.
He sees Sirius stagger into the dormitory, the open door letting in some of the noise from the party. He's sure you can here James singing karaoke. Not pleasant.
"Feels good to get away from the party, don't you think Remus?"
"Wouldn't know, I've been up here." Remus mumbles into the book. Sirius sits down on the floor next to him and leans back against the granite wall. Remus can feel his arm against his own. "Not like you to leave early though."
"I wanted to come and find you", Sirius says, and takes a swig of firewhiskey. Remus turns to look at him and Sirius smiles tipsily at him. It's kind of lopsided and the firelight makes it look a little like a grimace. He doesn't care; a smile from Sirius, lopsided and freaky or not makes his insides go all squirmy. Remus has yet to decide if this is a good thing or not.
"You know what I said to my mother when I ran away from home?" Sirius asks, his words slurring together.
Remus sighs. "Yes I bloody well do, Sirius, the number of times I've heard go on about it when you're drunk. You said 'wherever, whatever, have a nice day'."
"I do not always go on about it"
"Yes you do"
"Don't"
"Look Sirius, you always do, and then you get so drunk that you forget you said anything about it, until the next time your drunk, and then you subject us all to this story again"
"Sorry". He gives Remus one of his "puppy eyes" looks, that he knows will always earn him Remus' forgiveness. Remus crumbles…again.
"Look, I shouldn't have moaned at you, I'm just feeling a bit…"
"Cranky?"
"Yes, Sirius, thank you for that emotional insight"
There's a slightly awkward silence, filled only with Remus fiddling with his fingernails and Sirius taking several more swigs of firewhiskey.
"I think if I'd had a normal upbringing, none of this werewolf crap, I could have been a well adjusted person"
"Depends on what you call normal." Sirius says, apparently to the ceiling, "What makes you say that anyway?"
Another pause.
"I'd like to talk with you." Remus says, and then regrets it when Sirius gives him one of those looks he does, which manage to combine mild pity with 'you are such a woman'. Still, it's too late to go back now. "I mean I'd like to really talk with you, I mean we're talking right now but, you know."
Sirius looks at him with slightly unfocussed eyes.
Remus decides to continue "I don't feel like I can be…I don't feel like I can be close to you, I mean we're close right now, but I mean, you know, you've always been closer to James, he's always the first one you go to when you've made up a prank to do, or you have a problem, like that time when you thought that slutty fifth year had given you some kind of horrible disease." Sirius laughs, but there's no real meaning behind it.
Remus takes a deep breath. He'll only regret it if he isn't honest with Sirius. "But, I mean, I wouldn't really want to be close to you like you are with James."
Sirius sits up and looks at him properly. "What do you mean, I mean, how close?"
"What do I mean to you?"
"What do you mean to me? Remus, you're my best friend"
"I know that, Sirius. We're friends, we're good friends and that's good to be, you know, good friends. That's a good thing"
Sirius takes a moment to think and scratch at the dirt under his fingernails. "So?" He says finally.
"Look, it's ok, Sirius, we can be friends"
Sirius drinks more firewhiskey and stares blandly at a corner of the room. See, you knew this would happen-now he's too repulsed to even look at you, says the resentful voice in Remus' head.
"You know I only date girls, right Remus?"
"Yeah…I know that Sirius."
"I mean, two guys can't love each other."
"Yeah…well, I don't know, I could love someone even if it wasn't a girl. I mean, I love you, and, I…yeah." Remus says limply.
"Remus…"
Remus sighs "I really want to kiss you, man" This is stupid, what freaking good did you ever think would come of this? Sirius just keeps staring at him, and Remus can tell he feels sorry for him. "Well, good night now."
Remus crosses the room, gets into bed and draws the curtains. "I love you though…you know that."
Sirius opens the curtains and lies down next to Remus. "Look, this is just for tonight man, ok?"
Sirius puts his arms around Remus and kisses him. Remus knows for Sirius it's just going through the motions and means nothing, but he kisses back anyway with enough feeling for both of them.
Later that night Remus feels Sirius get up and watches as he quietly makes his way back to his own bed. He looks blankly back at Remus before pulling the curtains across.
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Remus feels as though a part of him left when he saw Sirius fall back through the veil. The last connection between him and his past is gone.
Remus walks towards Sirius' old room at Grimmauld Place, thinking of all the days he spent as Sirius friend, nothing more, which Remus supposes was probably a good thing. He can't help but remember the night he confessed his feelings to Sirius.
18 years on he can see that there was no romance then from Sirius, but it still means a lot to him. He hates himself for caring so much about Sirius, and now he hates himself for thinking that.
He pushes the door to Sirius' room. Almost all of the few things Sirius owned have been moved out following his death, but the bed and his old school photos are still there.
Remus looks at a group photo, taken at the beginning of their last year at Hogwarts. Peter's chatting to Sirius, who keeps looking over seductively at a group of sixth years. James and Lily are playing chess, but Lily keeps on taking his pieces because he's too busy reaching across the board to stroke her face or fiddle with her hair to pay any attention to the game.
And there Remus is, on the edge of the photo. He's pretending to read a book so that he doesn't have to talk to anyone, and so that he can sneak looks at Sirius when he's not looking.
Remus sighs, and wonders how his life ever came to this. All his friends are dead and he's never been capable of any kind of serious romantic attachment, because he just compares everyone he meets to Sirius.
It's getting late and Remus lies down on Sirius' old bed. It still smells of Sirius, underneath all the mustiness-firewhiskey, cigarette smoke and wet dog. It's not very pleasant, but at least it's Sirius.
A/N Thanks for reading, sorry it was so sad, I'll try and write some fluff to make up for it. Please review, but this is my first fic so can you make any criticsims constructive.
Remember-if Sirius lives on in our hearts then he can never be really dead