DISCLAIMER- I own Nothing. The song belongs to Rihanna. The characters belong to S.M.

Story of my life- searching for the right.
But it keeps avoiding me. Sorrow in my soul,
'cause it seems that wrong really loves my company.

He's more than a man,
and this is more than love. The reason that the sky is blue.
But clouds are rolling in, because I'm gone again.
And to him I just can't be true.

I never hated myself more than I did that night- I am truly a horrible person. Only a truly disgusting whore would do something like this to such a good man. Such a good, honest, and loving man. I knew he deserved better, or at least, he deserved someone who would be true to him. Jasper was so beautiful after all. He was beautiful and perfect in every aspect of his being.

From his honey blonde curls to his heavenly blue eyes. A smile that could light up a room- no, his smile could light up the entire western sky; impossibly wide and completely contagious. His is a beautiful and charismatic personality and a heart more rich and pure than molten gold. He is so calm, always calm. Quiet, gentle, thoughtful, honest- this list goes on for miles.

Of course I loved Jasper. I had always loved him. I think- I think I loved him from the day I met him. Two years ago, when we were both younger and brighter. Two years ago when we were far less tainted and far less abused. We met at a block party, on the fourth of July. He was sitting in the grass on the steeper side of the hill, looking out at the river. When I sat beside him, and his face broke out into that breath-taking smile, I was in love. He was so brilliantly perfect and that sweet southern tint in his voice made him all the more beautiful.

Sadly, things are different now. Our relationship has grown weary. Gone is that love struck, hormonal lust that it once had. Gone is the passion, the sex, the fun. And though I do still love him- he will always have a place in my heart, I need that firey passion that we have lost between us. I know it is not his fault. It was never his fault. And I know that he doesn't deserve this life- this hell, that I am forcing on him.

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful.
And it kills him inside, to know that I am happy with some other guy.
I can see him dying.

I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be the reason why.
Every time I walk out the door, I see him die a little more inside.

I don't wanna hurt him anymore. I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be a murderer.

Jasper works full time, bussing tables in a small diner downtown. It's a tiny wage. Yet he works tirelessly all day long to keep a roof over our heads. I know he doesn't like it, cleaning tables, but when I tell him to quit he shakes his head. He gives me that sad smile and tells me that we have to eat. It breaks my heart all the more- that smile. But I am not a total loss; I do have a job cleaning houses as a Molly Maid. It too, is a tiny wage. I'm working on getting into community college. Or so I tell my friends, and myself. I doubt I would make it very far in college.

Our life together is poor and unglamorous. Jasper and I have a small apartment together. A ratty apartment in an even rattier neighborhood. It's always noisy on the dirty, hooker laden streets. We hear plenty of gunfire and police sirens. The lovely couple across the hall are always fighting, bringing the sounds of glass breaking and screaming tears to our home.

The man at the end of the hall sells drugs; many nights Jasper has walked the short length of the hall to get us each a small break from this damn reality. But as I was told in school, Mary Jane is just a gateway drug. The first time he brought home a little bag of white powder, I was sort of afraid and very hesitant. But the sex was amazing, and after that he rarely bought weed at all.

These bare walls and dull carpets held so many memories for me, and for Jasper as well. This place was once the joy of my life. Having my own home to live in, with Jasper, of course. At one time I was satisfied, even happy with the idea of living a small life with Jasper. Perhaps back when I was 17 and we got together this life might have been enough. Back when it was "all I need is you." But now, I've found myself bored with this life. This mundane, sad, and meager existence I called my life. Now I've found myself lying to the man who I do still hold dear. I've found myself going out with other men. And what is worst of all, I know that he knows. Jasper knows I'm cheating. I can see it in his eyes that he knows.

I feel it in the air as I'm doing my hair, preparing for another date.
A kiss up on my cheek, as he reluctantly asks if I'm gonna be out late.
I say: I won't be long, just hanging with the girls.
A lie I didn't have to tell. Because we both know,
where I'm about to go. And we know it very well.

'Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful,
and it kills him inside. To know that I am happy with some other guy.

I can see him dying.

Yes, Jasper knows all about him, James. I can see the hurt in those baby blue eyes- now absent of their shine. Why I even still lied to him I'm not really sure. I know, even if I told Jasper what I was doing, or where I was going, he wouldn't stop me. It would be very unlike him to object. No, he would not try to stop me from going out with James. He would wear that sad smile he wore always now, and he would blame himself for my lapse in faith. He would blame himself for not paying me enough attention, for being to unkind, to disrespectful, to forceful- all of which are wholly untrue. He is a perfect man, and I can not understand why I can't be satisfied with that. It wasn't his fault at all. I wish somehow I could make him understand that fact. It was never his fault, and it killed me to see him hurting.

It was entirely my fault. I had gotten involved with some rather shady people in my senior year- though that is no excuse for my behavior. And as much as I hated myself for it, I couldn't go back to the life I had with Jasper. I no longer wanted to just settle down with him. I loved him yes, I would always love him. But I also loved my friends, my parties, and my freedom. What more could be expected though? I'm only 19. I want to go to college, I want to party, I want to get trashed, I want to go shopping, I want to go on vacation during Spring Break, and I want to be with my friends.

And that is just not a life that Jasper could offer me. He was older than me- 20 when we met, and now 22. He was into more adult things. He no longer goes to wild parties, or raves. He doesn't go to the mall for a shopping spree. He doesn't drive to a club or a bar to get trashed and have fun. No, he doesn't party anymore, he prefers to sit and drink beer with his friends.

I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be the reason why.
Every time I walk out the door, I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore. I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be a murderer.

Our love, his trust.
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head.
Get it over with. I don't wanna do this anymore.

Anymore.

So that's why I've decided to leave. I'm going to go with James to California. He says he has a cousin there that we can live with. I don't love James, not like I love Jasper. But he is fun and dangerous, and he knows exactly what I want, before I even know what I want. And I simply cannot do this any longer. I cannot keep doing this to Jasper, it isn't fair. I cannot see the hurt in his eyes. I cannot bear the disappointment, the sadness, the love that is so clear in those crystal blue eyes. I can't keep hurting him. I can't keep lying to him. I can't keep killing him inside. I won't be the one who hurts him anymore. I owe it to Jasper. I owe him at least that much; to stop hurting him. So with my decision made, I packed away all of my clothes into a pair of old suitcases. I left while he was still at work. I know that is the lowest thing to do, the most cowardly. But I did it because I couldn't stand to see him hurt like that. I couldn't live with myself if I had to see him die inside.

I wrote him a note on a piece of printer paper, and set it down softly on the kitchen counter. His kitchen counter. This was all his now. His kitchen, his apartment, his life- not ours. And I was leaving for his was for his own good, this would end his pain. I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. For the last time, I walked out that third floor apartment door.

"Jasper,

You will always be in my heart.
I love you,

Alice."

I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be the reason why.
And every time I walk out the door, I see him die a little more inside.
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore. I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be a murderer.
A murderer…

A/N- This is the revised and edited edition of this chapter. Also, I'm in great need of songs, any good songs you guys know of? Let me know- if I use a song suggested by any reader, of course I'll you credit.