I picked up my old acoustic guitar and stared down at it in my hands.
God, I can't even remember the last time I actually sat down and played a song on it.
Wait, that's a lie.
I remember the exact day I last strummed this old guitar.
It was the day that had to be etched in my mind for the rest of my life.
I mean, you can't exactly forget the moment that you tell your older brother that you're in love with him.
Especially when he just looks at you for nearly a minute until you get up and just walk out of his life and your family's life.
I didn't think I'd actually make it as far as I did.
I thought I'd make it to the bus station and then someone would notice I was gone and find me there.
Four hours went by before I made a choice.
A choice that would change my life and make me remember the reason why I left for nearly every second that I was gone.
Train's move fast, but airplanes go over water.
I flew across the ocean and across some more land until I felt that I was far enough away.
I traveled the continent or whatever it's called. I went from Paris, to Rome, to as far as Tokyo.
I tried to run away from those memories that haunted my mind, but no matter what I did or who I met, they wouldn't leave me completely.
Nearly one year from the day I left, and I found myself sitting at the national airport in Rome. I looked at the flights and saw that a flight for New York, New York, USA would be leaving in merely two hours.
I stared at the flight info before I turned around again and walked away from another chance.
Three hours later, and this is where I am now.
I'm sitting in this old apartment, staring at a picture of him in my hands, and strumming an old familiar tune on a guitar.
You know how they say, that when you get older, you miss the old days?
I'm definitely missing them.
I miss waking up to Frankie and Nick arguing about what to watch on television, I miss waking up to hear Kevin singing when he thought I was asleep, I miss going upstairs to the attic and writing songs with my brothers, I miss waking up to the smell of blueberry pancakes, I miss family game nights on Friday, but most of all, I miss seeing his eyes every day.
Shaking my head, I try to rid myself of those painful memories. I took my pick and started to strum again, just letting those old songs run through my body.
Before I could stop myself, I started to sing old lyrics that use to mean the world to me.
Wednesday, I came home from school
Did my homework in my room
Then I watched some TV
I still miss you
Tears filled my eyes when the memories started to flood through my mind.
"I miss you."
I felt the blood in my veins run cold.
Looking around, I saw only the brightness of the sun illuminating the walls through an open window.
I could have sworn I had heard Kevin's voice.
Life couldn't get any more fucked up. Well, for me anyway.
I sighed again before I stood up and set my guitar on the bed. I walked over to the open window and stared out as people roamed the streets below. I could see rooftops and a river from the place of my apartment that was three floors up.
Suddenly, I heard a song from a radio reach my ears.
I glanced down and saw that Mrs. Weather had turned her radio on from the floor below me.
The song floated through her open window and I could hear the lyrics perfectly.
It felt like, a sign or fate. Something seemed to happen that I couldn't control.
Another summer day
Has Come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Maybe surrounded by
A million People I
Still Feel all alone, I wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Silent tears found their way down my cheeks and I just stood there listening to the lyrics of an American song.
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me
Another winter day
Has come and gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
I felt my heart hurt worse than ever before.
Worse than the day when we had to leave Mandy to go on tour, worse than when my dog died, worse than when I found out that Nick had diabetes, and even worse than Kevin's reaction to my love for him.
I couldn't take it anymore.
None of it.
The guilt of leaving my parents, the guilt of leaving my brothers and the band, the guilt of leaving Frankie with one brother less, and the guilt of never saying goodbye or leaving a note.
Grabbing my cell phone, I flipped it open and started to dial the familiar number I knew.
Before I could press the last digit, it dawned on me.
He could have changed his number.
He could have gotten rid of a cell phone.
He could just choose not to answer.
There were so many possibilities.
"You won't know the truth if you keep running away." I whispered to myself as I pressed the last number and slowly moved the phone to my ear.
My heart jumped into my throat as I heard the dial tone start to ring.
Once second.
Two seconds.
Three seconds.
Four sec-
"Hello?"
"K-K-Kevin?" I whispered into the receiver, running a hand through my short black hair.
"This is he." I felt the tears run down my eyes when he didn't recognize my voice.
"It's J-J-Joe." I took a deep breath, awaiting his reaction.
"J-Joe?" I heard him inhale sharply. "Where are you?"
I sighed as he whispered and bit my bottom lip.
"Rome."
"What? Are you serious?" he asked, I could hear the disbelief etched in his voice.
"Yes." I waited a couple seconds. "K-Kev?"
"Yeah?" he whispered again.
"I want to come home." Was all I had to say before I heard Kevin say he was going to go get mom and to not hang up.
"Kevin." I said before he could go and get mom.
"Yeah, Joe?" he said to me.
I closed my eyes and I realized how much I missed his voice when he said my name.
"I love you." I whispered, hoping he wouldn't hang up.
I waited for what felt like an eternity, but was only a mere two seconds in reality.
"I love you, too, Joey." He whispered in a voice that held a smile that I couldn't see.
I took a deep breath and listened to him move and took the phone to mom.
"Hey, Mom." I said into the phone.
Maybe, things do happen for the best.
Maybe, things are just meant to work out themselves.
Or maybe, a simple thing like a song, can actually have a bigger impact on someone than we think.