warning:this story contains suicide and is not suitable for younger readers. in no way am i trying to romanticize suicide.
authors notes: This story takes place after season five. Arthur and Gwaine are alive but Mordred and Morgana have died. Arthur has united the lands of Albion. i do not own merlin. enjoy.
He can't take it anymore. it's all to much. All the deaths, the pain. Albion is here and magic is no-longer outlawed, but the ghosts of what he did still haunt him. Its almost been two years since he killed Morgana, since the war was won, since he told Arthur about his magic. Merlin should be happy, extatic even, but he's not. Ever since he poisoned Morgana he blames himself for everything that happened, all the deaths, all the wars, all the distruction. Fuck! Arthur almost died because of him, because all he ever does is mess up. fuck up.
These past few months have been the worst. His smile has dropped, His laugh isn't as loud, his once deep blue eyes are now glossed over covering the sad bloodshot blue that would chill anyone to the bone. he was no-longer Merlin, but the shell of the happy boy he used to be.
People have noticed, noticed that when he thinks no-one is looking he drops his smile, noticed that he no-longer has fun (petty) arguments with Arthur. They notice that day-by-day they are losing their to a dark void that exists only inside of him. Yet, they do nothing. what can they do? Merlin has every right to be like this, he has been through hell and back, no-one can blame him for this. Gwen tried once, tried to help him. He insisted that there was nothing wrong and that she was over-reacting, to tired of fighting Gwen just walked away.
Arthur has been affected the most by Merlins hollowness. Arthur always confined in Merlin, but now, now Arthur is to worried to talk to Merlin about his own problems. How could he? Arthur now knows of everything Merlin went through for him. Losing his father his best friend, the only person he ever loved. It would be wrong on so many levels to talk to Merlin about his problems when Merlin is barely managing with his own.
Merlin hated this. Hated being so distant with Arthur, hated not talking and laughing like they used to. But he couldn't,he tried so hard but faking a smile takes to much effort. Reasurring everyone that you're ok takes to much effort. So he stopped talking, it was easyer that way.
Tonight was going to be the night he finally did it, tonight is going to be the night Merlin is finally going to be released from the pains of living. But first he needs to say his goodbyes.