Diclaimer as per usual. Post 9.8.

Ruth.

I want you to know that whilst you read this I am packing my belongings into cardboard boxes for the last time. There is no justifying the decisions that I made, but I hope when you find this you will spare a glance at my empty office and find truth in my words when I tell you that is was fair of me to love you, and this is my sacrifice for you to truly have your old life back.

I know we've spent the last two years playing games with each other, and we've never been emotionally forthright, but before I make the final steps across the grid to turn off your desk lamp I want you to know how I've felt ever since you sensibly rejected my marriage proposal. It's my final request, Ruth.

I feel like I've spent the last few years living in George's shadow. It seems cruel after everything you've been through, but since you've been back, I've felt like I could never provide you with what you had with him, and part of me used that to punish you when you said no at Ros' funeral.

I don't think I will ever forget the moment you tried to justify your decision to me. I say tried Ruth, because you didn't need to explain, but you did, and I want to say now what I should have said at the time. You told me that we couldn't have been closer than what we were at that very moment, and that was what hurt the most. The rejection I could deal with, but to think that that was as close as we were ever going to get, it hurt. The fact was, we were so close but yet still so far away. We were together but disconnected. It didn't work at all.

Part of me is glad that my time is virtually up. I know that you may read that as a declaration of defeat, but I don't have the longest lifetime yet, and I can't spend it wasting away in my office, hoping that one day you will walk in and say without interruption that you love me unconditionally and that we should sod the rules. I've spent years waiting Ruth, even when you left for the first time and I thought I'd never see you again, I waited.

It feels quite liberating, to open up my heart like this. It's the closest I have come in a long time to voicing my true feelings, and the sense of doubt and risk flooding my mind is making this harder than it needs to be.

I want to end this on a happy note. The memory I want to relive was a result of an alternate reality we had to adjust to, but the sentiment behind it could not be mistaken. The docks. I hadn't been there since our kiss, it was just too much, but when you returned, it was the first place I went to shed the few tears that I needed to.

Our first kiss, Ruth. Our only kiss. I remember you reaching out to cup my cheek. I remember me placing my hands delicately on your waist. They were shaking. I made a feeble attempt at getting you to see what you already knew, and my heart broke when you told me that I needed to let you go.

It damaged me, Ruth. Cotterdam damaged me. Mani damaged me. Lucas damaged me. Before I place this pen back in my pocket I want you to know just one simple thing. You damaged me. Without that damage, I would never have made it through this ordeal. It gave me something to fight for, and now I must hang my armour up for the last time.

Ruth, I leave a returned address at the bottom of this letter. I don't expect a reply by any means; I just don't think I can handle it if you called me a bastard for the third time.

Take care,

Harry x

Unsure as to whether it should be kept as a one shot or extended for obvious reasons.