Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Hellsing, mores the pity. But one day...one day, i shall own it ALL! mwuh ha ha ha ha...gets dragged back to asylum
...
Alucard's birthday had come around yet again in the Hellsing manor; not that the stupid vampire ever remembered his own birthday.
So this year Sir Integra had enlisted the help of Walter and Seras to make it a birthday he wouldn't forget.
It was the middle of the day. Integra had stayed up all night to get her paperwork done, with the normal routine interruptions by Alucard, and now was attempting to rouse Seras from her coffin.
"Seras wake up. You said you'd help me" She began, her voice relatively soft.
Realising after about 10 minutes that this just wasn't going to work, she found an old stick from the fireplace and repeatedly poked the sleeping Seras with it until she awoke.
"Aah. Quit poking me…If that's you again Master you'll pay with your un-life" She murmured, half awake. She opened her eyes. "Oh, it's you Sir Integra. Sorry…"
"Its fine Seras, just get up right away, Walter is waiting for you in the kitchen. I think he wants you to test the cake mix."
"…cake? Oh never mind. I'll be there"
"Thank you Seras. This won't go unrewarded" promised Sir Integra as she left the room.
Seras set about getting dressed, staying quiet so as not to wake her master, before proceeding down to the kitchen where Walter stood; tapping his watch sarcastically.
"What time do you call this young vampire?"
"Uuh, about quarter to 12? What do you want me to do" she replied, failing to grasp the sarcasm in what Walter had said.
He handed her a bowl full of brown sticky goo.
"Its cake mix for Master Alucard's birthday. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated Seras."
She dipped her finger in the mix and tasted it.
"Mm Walter, this is good stuff. What's in it?" She said, getting excited at the prospect of cake.
"My own special recipe; chocolate…" Seras' face lit up "…and pigs' blood" He concluded as Seras spewed cake mix all over the kitchen.
"I thought you said it was good." Walter complained, hurt
"I did, its just…well I suppose it is Master, he wont have anything without some form of blood in it. I should have guessed. It will do lovely Walter, a job well done."
"Thank you Seras. Go and see if Sir Integra wants you to do anything else, I'm done with you in here now." He said, pouring the mix into a baking tin.
Upstairs, Integra was in her office inconspicuously blowing up balloons. There was a knock on the door. 'Must be Seras' she thought 'If it were Alucard he wouldn't be knocking'
"Come in Seras"
Seras stepped into the well-lit office, and she walked silently over to Integra's desk.
"Help me do these, I'm having a bit of trouble with the knots" said Sir Integra, throwing Seras a bag of balloons and hanging her head slightly.
They spent the next few hours blowing up balloons for Alucard. When they had enough Integra bundled them all into a net and suspended them from the ceiling (with the help of Walter and his ladders, of course).
"Phew" sighed Integra after their hard work was complete. "Guest list time!"
"There's going to be guests??" Asked Seras, genuinely shocked.
"Of course, much as I hate to admit it, the giant red git does seem to have accumulated a few friends over the years. And enemies too" She added, laughing. "I've already asked everyone if they're coming, and told them to bring a gift for him. But if he continues to annoy me in the way he did last night this might just be his last birthday…"
"How could you make it his last?" Asked Seras "You know how to kill him??"
"Of course I do Seras, I'm his master. All you need to do is…" Her voice was then drowned out by a conveniently timed explosion in the wine cellar, so no-one will ever know how the great no-life king can be destroyed. "And it's really that easy" she concluded, rubbing her hands together, though neither Seras nor Walter had a clue what she just said.
"Come on then you two. They will be arriving in half an hour so smarten up."
…later that evening…
Everyone was gathered in the main hall of the manor. Seras, Walter, Integra, Anderson…
"ANDERSON!?" bellowed Seras "What's he doing here??"
"I thought I'd give my dear Alucard a little extra fun on his special day. Heheh…" Sir Integra grinned; a grin much like Alucards. Perhaps he was finally rubbing off on her.
"Everybody ready?" Shouted Sir Integra over the crowds. The reply was positive and everyone present shut up.
"ALUCARD GET YOU'RE VAMPIRE ASS UP HERE NOW!!" yelled Sir Integra.
There was the thud of a head hitting coffin lid, and a grouchy Alucard phased through the floor into the pitch black room.
"Yes Master?" He said, as the lights were switched on and a ton of balloons came cascading down over his head.
"AAAAAHHH!!" He screamed as he ran for cover, bursting several balloons on his way.
"Whats gotten into him?" Asked Seras as she looked at Alucard, crouched down, rocking and gibbering in the corner of the room.
Integra walked over to him, kicking a balloon along with her.
He looked up at Integra, pointed and started muttering to himself again.
"No balloons, balloons very very bad…scaring poor little Alucard….bad….eeeehhhh" He whined, pushing Integra away and stomping on the balloon, scaring himself even more.
Now that the whole room knew of his fear they began to laugh, and Anderson being Anderson, he began to circulate the room, bursting every balloon he could lay his blades on, laughing insanely.
In the corner Alucard began to sob. "Alucard not happy. Alucard hates birthdays. Alucard hates Anderson. Hate hate hate…"
Integra got out her gun and looked at Alucard. It had to be done, There was nothing else for it "sorry…" she whispered, before shooting him between the eyes.
He reeled back, blood pouring from his head, then sat back up deliberately avoiding eye contact with Integra.
"Alucard is sorry. Alucard will be a good boy now, oh yes he will" He nodded vigorously "Alucard will enjoy his birthday if master says so, yes"
He stood up, looking at Integra with giant puppy dog eyes. He bounded over and jumped into her gleefully, then spied his pile of presents.
He shrieked with glee as he ripped open the packages, each time tossing another blood packet onto the growing pile next the present table. When he had done with the rather repetitive presents he turned to the sugary treats on the food table.
It would only end in more tears…