Disclaimer: Tales of Xillia, its sequel, Tales of Xillia 2, and all other titles in the Tales series belong to Bandai Namco. This work is simply the work of a fan of the series and is not intended to be sold for profit.
Author's Note: Welcome to The Words We Never Spoke, a one-shot story revolving a love that can never be. While replaying Tales of Xillia 2, I got the idea of this story after seeing a few skits, namely the Nova's Secret skit (in which you choose the option to hear out Vera). While it's up to debate whether or not Nova officially had romantic feelings for Ludger or not, I'd like to think that she did seeing her reactions when she calls you after Fractured Milla's death and her visit before Julius's death.
As I'm not able to develop Ludger's character at all in my main project, End of an Era (as he's dead and all after Tales of Xillia 2's true ending), this gave me the opportunity to develop him a little bit through another person's point of view, namely Nova. Also, I thought I could develop Nova's character a bit since she pretty much just acts as a debt collector in the game, but I thought at least with this story, we can get a better sense of her character.
While this is a side project to End of an Era, this fic can be read as either a stand-alone or mini side story to my main project; neither one is reliant on the other in any fashion so as to not alienate any readers. Regarding when this story takes place, it takes place ten years after Tales of Xillia 2's true ending and a few months after its epilogue. For readers of End of an Era, it takes place concurrently with Chapter 10 of said fic.
In any case, I think that's about all I have to say really. Hope you all enjoy this little side project of mine.
The Words We Never Spoke
Words are a funny thing… Words can give us hope, they can fill us with inspiration, they can make us feel wanted, loved, and secure. Yet words can also harm, they can end dreams, they can even devour our soul. Words are a double-edged sword, and yet, the words that can sometimes hurt the most are the words that could never be said.
"Ludger…"
Do you remember this day, Ludger? It's the Fifth Month, Day 7, Primia 4315. It was thirteen years ago on this very day you confessed to me, when you offered me your heart and soul, a day I will never forget. Every time I think about that day, I can't help but feel… sad… Every year on this very date, I remember it all once again, how it all began…
"I can't believe it!" I remember leaving the college admissions office that day. "I'm actually a student at Trigleph University now!"
"Yes, it's nothing short of a miracle, Nova," my twin sister sighed. "How someone like you even managed to even get passed high school is beyond me."
"Well every morning while you were still sleeping I'd always go over your homework and copy all the answers," I admitted, much to Vera's chagrin. "And then for tests, I just looked around and went ahead and filled in the same things everyone else was doing."
"So you just copied everyone?!" my sister yelled. "Seriously Nova, how are you going to be successful in any career if you…!"
It was at that moment that our eyes first met. Those blue, sapphire eyes, the locks of gray hair with your front bangs dyed black and that composed, yet slightly nervous posture. For a moment it seemed as if time itself was frozen as our eyes met, a simple breeze flowing between us as we stood several feet away. It was our eyes that had met for a brief second, but I have to admit, it was not you I was looking at on that day, it was the man you were with.
"Trust me, you're going to be all right, Ludger," your brother assured you back then, giving you a simple pat on the back. "College is nothing to be worried about. Sure all the tests and the relationships you make here will dictate where you'll end up later in life, but-"
"That doesn't exactly make it sound like everything's going to be 'all right', Julius," you had told your brother back then. "If anything you're making it sound like my life's going to be decided depending on what I do here for the next four years."
I feel horrible for admitting that I wasn't staring at you back then, Ludger, it was Julius. The way he spoke with you, so calm, so relaxed, so mature… The way he made me feel back then, I can't help but feel disgusted at myself for thinking this way when I remember our first memories together…
"Nova… Nova… Nova!" my sister's voice snapped at that time.
"Huh?"
"Are you even listening to me?" Vera groaned as we made our way out of the campus. "Seriously, if you're spacing out now, you might as well just work retail for the rest of your life. Do you even know what you want to do if by some miracle you graduate?"
"I don't know, but I don't have to worry about that for at least four years, right?" I smiled.
"Ugh, what am I going to do with you?"
Was it fate that caused me to bump into you during that conversation, or was it just clumsiness on my part? Maybe it was a little bit of both. Even though I had just seen you and your brother just moments ago, I found myself soon bumping into you literally.
"Ouch!" I found myself suddenly falling to the floor.
"Ow!" you also exclaimed as you also fell to the floor.
"Nova!" Vera couldn't help but get angry with me again. "I'm so sorry, my sister doesn't always pay attention to where she's going."
"N-no, it's all right," you assured us back then as we both returned to our feet at the same time. "I should've been watching out where I was going too."
"Same old Ludger," your brother chuckled as he patted you on the head like a child. "Always spacing out in the middle of the day."
"Stop treating me like a child, Julius!" you said as you swatted away his arm. "It's not like I'm a kid who always needs to be watched out for."
"So you say. By the way, did you even know where the admissions office is? You can't exactly go to class if you haven't paid for them."
"Uh…"
I had been silent that whole time you two were talking, frozen in awe by your brother's calm, yet playful demeanor. From the corner of my eye, I could see my sister's glare, as if she were already lecturing me to say something to the two of them. That scary look in her eye always made me do things I never had the courage to do, and that day was also no exception.
"It's just over there actually," I finally decided to speak, pointing from the direction my sister and I originally came. "If you just keep going straight, you'll find it without a problem. So if you're a freshman too, is it all right if I ask your name?"
"Ludger Will Kresnik," you said somewhat uneasily. "Is it all right if I ask yours?"
"Nova," I said, extending my hand to yours. "And this is my twin sis, Vera."
"A pleasure," she simply bowed.
"And I'm this poor guy's elder brother, Julius," your brother said, extending his hand out to my sister's.
"Poor? Come on, Julius, stop picking on me already!" you exclaimed.
"Hey, what I'm doing now is only helping your image, isn't that right, ladies?"
"What?! Oh come on, Julius, can you stop it already?"
I found myself smiling at your bickering back then. The way you two played off of each other back then, the way you fought and teased, it was…cute back then. Though my eyes were glued to your brother, I remember my gaze also turning towards yours, your own eyes even meeting with my own every few seconds that you two fought. This feeling back then, the warmth that ignited inside me, I thought back then it was maybe coming from him, but now…
"Well you two are certainly an interesting bunch," I couldn't help but giggle. "Well then Luds, let's both do our best, okay?"
"'Luds'?" my nickname for you caused you to blush.
"Well isn't that cute?" your brother teased once again. "She's got a pet name already lined up for you."
"Shut up, Julius!"
The following weeks and months just seemed to come and go from there. As much as I'd like to say that a lot of things happened back then, I can only regretfully say that they did not. Back then, for the next three years, we both had our own groups of friends and our schedules. Still, I remember there were a few classes we shared together, but in each of those classes, the two of us sat on different sides of the classroom. I remember there were days during our class lectures I found myself looking outside the window near the end of the day, hoping to catch a glimpse of your brother as he always he came to pick you up after class. He was so cool, so mature, he was kinda like a father and brother to you at the same time. And yet…
There were days where I would sometimes catch you however, finding your blue eyes aimed at the window behind me. I remember seeing you a few times, how you would then panic in your seat for a second or two before placing your face into the book the teacher was lecturing on. I found myself giggling at your reaction every time you did that. You were always shy back then, stuttering at times, your eyes wandering elsewhere when mine met yours. Back then I thought you staring out into space, staring out the window wishing that class would over already, but the truth was, you weren't staring at the sky, you were staring at me…
It was cute back then how you would have eyes for me and only me, but back then, I hate to say that I was blind to it all. I remember sometimes eating lunch with some of my friends in the cafeteria, how you would sit in the corner with your homemade lunch like a little boy too scared to ask if you could join us. I remember you trying to walk behind me between classes, clearing your throat as you walked, and in the few instances that I did look back, I found you suddenly looking away. Again I couldn't understand the words you couldn't speak back then, and I only wish that I could've understood them sooner. If I really did understand these words and the ones that were really in my heart then…
…I know now, Ludger, I know the words that you wanted to say…
"You're seriously going to do it?" Vera questioned as I finished wrapping the gift I had just bought.
"Today's the day!" I tried to psyche myself up again. "I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel and no one's going to stop me!"
It was during our senior year of college that I finally decided to confess my feelings for your brother. Though we did little more than exchange a few greetings during each time I spoke with him, I admit that back then I was so smitten.
"Really, Nova, are you sure he'll even wear it?" my sister asked.
"He's always wearing ties every time I see him," I explained. "Although the ones he wears are always black. Besides, I figured if I got him a yellow one, he'd probably think of my bright and sunny personality. And then there's that note I left inside of it; once he sees it, he'll always know-"
"Of course only you would describe your own personality as 'bright and sunny," Vera interrupted with a sigh.
"Well at least I don't have to tell myself everyday that all my classmates are pumpkins," I teased.
"That isn't funny, Nova!" I heard my sister scream as I skipped out the door.
Even though we didn't talk much back then, I remember seeing you walk into your apartment complex one day. Like some kind of crazy stalker, I followed you in, finding you and your brother's names on the mailboxes on the first floor. I was always too scared to ask your brother out back then, I was always afraid of doing something humiliating with other people around so I steeled myself to try and tell your brother how I felt.
So many thoughts raced through my mind as I went up the elevator that day, the many incidents I would meet you and your brother after school. I remembered his smile, his laughter, his concerns, but amidst all of that, I remember you being there as well. Though you were always in the corner or by the side, I would always see you regardless.
Was it strange that my thoughts were also filled with you back then? Here I was going to confess my feelings to the man I thought I was in love with, and yet, here I was, thinking of you.
Before I knew it, I was standing outside your doorstep, my heart racing with anticipation. My mind played out every scenario that could possibly happen when I confessed my feelings. Rejection, acceptance, anger, a kiss, all of these things made my heart race and my body quiver. In my head, I then began chanting my sister's words, telling myself 'Julius is a pumpkin' over and over again. With the image of your brother being an enormous orange…thing in my head, I took a breath and brought my hand forward, my knuckles lightly tapping against the surface of your door.
"Yes?" a voice echoed from the other side. "Hold on, I'll be right there."
In that very second, my nerves began to get the best of me once again. My heart was racing, my throat itching, my mouth dry. Again the many thoughts I tried to calm resurfaced once again, the feelings I had only intensifying as the door before me began to open. With my fingers wrapped tightly on the gift I had bought, I quickly placed it behind my back, but my toes soon began rocking my body back and forth. Finally door began to open now, a tiny glimmer of your home appearing before my eyes. With every second I felt my chest beating faster and heavier, my lips stretching inch by inch as the light from the other side poured into me. Finally the door open and suddenly my lips stopped moving and my nerves freezing. It wasn't Julius who had answered the door as I anticipated, it was you.
"Oh…," you said with a slight stutter in your voice upon seeing me. "Uh…, hi Nova… Wh, ahem, what brings you here? I don't recall telling you where I lived."
I found my face burning up to my ears at that point, my heart still beating as heavily as ever. It was no longer anticipation that was racing with me, at the time I thought maybe it was embarrassment. I found myself at a loss of words with you standing there, not sure what to say as we both stood there.
I'm not sure what it was that caused me to do what I did next, but the next thing I knew, the gift in my hands quickly found itself moving toward you, charging straight forward with both my hands still clutching it. With a small push I brought it to your chest, my fingers quickly releasing the gift as my legs darted backward, my body then rushing toward the elevator as quickly as I could.
As I rode the elevator back to the first floor, I still found my heart beating rapidly, but something was strange. I wasn't upset by what I had just did, in fact, my smile from earlier had still not disappeared. I felt my lips the moment the elevator had stopped, finding them still locked in the same smile I had just moments ago. And the atmosphere… The atmosphere still felt lighter than air, it still felt as if I was walking amongst the clouds. I still had the same smile and still felt the same lightness for the rest of that day; I didn't understand why it didn't disappear back then, but now…
Ludger, if only you could hear my words…
It seemed like nothing changed between us in the days that followed. No, that's not true at all, things were different, but I just tried not to take notice.
My confession for Julius had gone wrong, just totally wrong. My thoughts of your brother were no longer coming to mind, thoughts of you now were ahead of anything else. Looking into the sky, I remembered your eyes. Looking at silver reminded me of your hair. Looking at the tie I inadvertently given you reminded me of my smile that day. My thoughts were now of you and nothing of you, and yet, like the fool I am, I…
There were times I would see you walking down the hall, but I found myself hiding behind the nearest corner before you could look towards me. There were times I saw you eating at the cafeteria, but I always made sure to try and sit somewhere else. Then there were times you tried looking at me in class, my face quickly burying itself in the first book in my backpack. Even though I tried escaping your gaze each time, I always found my face burning a bright red and my lips beaming as they were on that day I gave you that tie that you now always wore.
The Fifth Month, Day 7, Primia 4302, do you remember that day Ludger? Even after everything that happened, I still found myself surprised when you left a message with Vera. She told me that she had met you while she was heading to her internship at Spirius Corporation that morning. Your message asked me to meet you at your apartment building's rooftop later that evening, around 8:00 PM. I still remember that GHS conversation I had with Vera that morning when she left me that message, how I remember the pain it would later cause…
"You did WHAT?!" she exclaimed on the other line when I explained to her what happened that day.
"I…I don't know, I just panicked!" I tried to explain. "The next thing I knew, I gave him the gift, and then I was running…"
"Nova… What you did wasn't fair to him," my sister explained, trying to calm herself as she spoke. "What if he takes this opportunity to confess his feelings to you?"
"Wh…what? There's no way he and I could-"
"Then you need to let him know how you feel. To continue dragging him on like this is just too cruel. Unless of course you actually-"
Like the fool I was, I said what I did next to my sister. Again it was the power of words that made me say it, her words that continued to embarrass me as they dragged my heart and soul to the forefront.
"Of course not! I don't have any feelings for him whatsoever!"
A heavy weight sunk in my chest when I said those words and my vision beginning to blur from the tears that clouded my eyes. It hurt when I said such a horrible thing, as if I had just tore off a piece of myself and fed it to the dogs. Even though I was feeling this way, Vera simply kept her usual calm and composed demeanor, simply sighing on the other line.
"…very well, but you might as well take him up on his invitation before any of this continues."
'…I'm such an idiot…' I thought to myself as I hung up my GHS.
I remember the ride in the elevator that evening, how it was impossible for me to stand still whatsoever as the elevator slowly counted down the number of floors I passed on the way up. I felt uneasy with every minor beep the elevator chimed, my subconscious wishing that it stop at a floor, any floor to at least break my uneasiness for a few seconds.
Millions of thoughts raced through my head within seconds, thoughts of what was I going to say, what was I going to do, how would you react, how would I…?
Before I could even get my thoughts straight, the elevator had come to a stop, its door opening before a moonlit sky. The stars out that evening looked like tiny fireflies in the darkness, dormant, yet bright. The full moon's light bathed everything in what was practically a white glow, further enhancing the setting you had created for me that evening.
Near the edge of this rooftop was where you stood, dressed in navy slacks, a dress shirt and the very same tie I had accidentally given you. You were right there, setting up a small table, illuminated by a trio of white candles. The smell of seafood pasta swam with the night air, the silverware on the table perfectly reflecting the night's light. I couldn't help but giggle as I saw you, how you seemed to be in almost in a panic as you spaced out the china, glasses and food, how you were muttering to yourself how things should be laid out, and how you continued to fix your tie amidst your rambling.
"Well, well, it looks like the guest of honor has arrived," your brother's voice rang at that moment.
Before I could even say a word, you practically jumped the moment our eyes met, nearly fumbling over the chair you were standing by in the process. You seemed so focused that evening, concentrating so much and making everything perfect; it was adorable, so innocent, so…cute… Soon after you tried to approach me, your voice stuttering a bit more than usual as you spoke.
"O…oh hey, Nova," you said, tried to playing it cool. "I didn't think you'd make it."
"You won't believe how flustered he's been this whole time," Julius teased. "Ever since he got home from school, he's been up here trying to make this night perfect. 'Oh no, this spoon isn't shiny enough,' 'wait, maybe the table's not flat enough', 'what if she doesn't like-'"
"Shut up, Julius!" you yelled, your face a bright red.
"All right, I've teased you enough for one night," your brother smiled as he gave you one last pat on the back. "Go get 'em, Tiger," I heard him whisper in your ear.
"Just go already!"
"All right, all right," he said as he began to leave. "Oh, and Nova," your brother stopped one last time to whisper in my ear. "Please be good to my brother. I know he may be rash at times, maybe even a little shy at times, but he has a good heart. A sensitive one at that."
Before I could even voice anything, your brother immediately took his leave, shutting the door to the roof soon after.
It was just the two of us now, the standing on the rooftop, our eyes unable to meet one another's. Again I felt my chest practically throbbing, my face getting hot once more. Even though I thought I knew what I was going to say to you that evening, I couldn't help but feel…different. The moonlight, the dinner, the way you were dressed, it was all so…special. But then…
"H-hey, Ludger…," I tried to speak.
Before I knew it, I found your arms wrapped around my body. In that moment, I felt your heartbeat, how strong, yet slow it was. I felt the softness of your hair as it brushed against my cheek, your soft, gentle, yet tight embrace assuring me that you would never let me go. The words I was going to say, how I forgot them for a mere second, how I indulged in your hold. It was almost time had stood still in that very moment, how all my worries just seemed to melt, and yet…
…it was when your lips suddenly pressed against mine that reality set in once more. My eyes quickly widened from the gesture, my heart racing as quickly as my face was red. The skin of your lips was somewhat chapped, yet as smooth as silk. Your breath was as warm as a summer's breeze, yet calm and cool like the night air. My body remained still as we stood there, how you expressed your love not in words but actions.
When our mouths finally parted, another rush emotions had filled my core. I couldn't quite understand it all as the many thoughts and feelings raced within me, my being growing ever warmer and weak. I didn't quite know what to make of what just happened, and without even thinking, I blurted out the words I will always regret saying.
"…I'm sorry…"
As if on cue, a drop of rain had fallen between the two of us. Neither of us could move nor speak another word as we stood there, with several more drops of rain falling within seconds, their number increasing with every passing moment. It wasn't long before both of us had become drenched, the dinner you had worked so hard on for the both of us now ruined within seconds. Again there was an awkward silence between us, the same silence we shared when I first arrived on your rooftop. Yet, this time, it was you who broke this silence, speaking to me for the first time without a stutter or hesitation.
"…I understand…"
The moment I spoke those words, I felt as if I had lost a part of myself, a part of me that could never be. I thought that maybe, just maybe I could salvage a little bit left with what I could say next, but before my breath could escape my lips, you had begun running, the drops of rain and your tears merging as you passed.
Ludger… I don't know if you realized it back then, but when we kissed, I never thought of pushing you away. My body wanted to cling onto yours, to never let you go. I never meant to hurt you the way I did, how words that were normally used for consolation were used to hurt instead. But the meaning behind my apology, what was it I was really sorry for?
When I think about it in the present, I never…said what it was that I was apologizing for. Was it because I didn't want to start a relationship with you? Was it because you gave me my first kiss? Or was it just a simple reaction to end the silence? Whatever it was, I will always regret those two words…
I remember the days that followed, those agonizing days of silence. Even though you had shown up to class, it was as if you weren't there at all. There was something different in your eyes, how they would just blankly stare into space, how they plainly looked elsewhere, how they were… lifeless. No longer did I see your nervous, but charming eyes gazing at me, no longer did I see you quickly hide your face in a book, and no longer did I see the hint of red painted on her cheeks. Instead you were always looking forward with a blank look on your face, without a smile or frown on your lips, as if you were dead inside. It…hurt me back then to know that you were no longer truly there, that you would no longer see me the same way you used to.
There were times in which I tried to speak with you, but every time you seemed to ignore me or act as if I wasn't there. I must've really hurt you back then that you would go as far as treat me this way, or maybe it was your way of punishing me for what I said.
Even though you were hurting back then, I was…hurting too. Every dream, every thought, everything I can imagine was of you. I saw your smile, I felt your embrace, I tasted your lips, I heard your sweet nothings, every time I closed my eyes I felt these things and many more. I… I had fallen in love with you, I had been in love with you, gradually, day-by-day, I was falling for you even more. And yet…
Do you remember the day of our graduation, Ludger? That was the day we were finally able to talk again. It was after we all received our diplomas, when all the students were mingling with their families and friends. I remember I was with Vera and a few of our friends, all of us talking about what we were going to do next. Even though I was happy that day, I couldn't help but look at you as you sat there on that single park bench, alone. The moment I saw you, I felt my heart drop, the sadness we shared that day coming ahead once again. I know I ruined that day, I really messed things up. But I wasn't content to simply let things remain the way they were.
"Is something wrong, Nova?" my sister snapped me out of my trance for a moment.
"Er, yeah, sorry," I tried to feign innocence, much to Vera's annoyance. "Can you give me a sec? I'll be right back."
It was as if you were waiting for me as you sat there, your eyes glued to the floor and your graduation cap barely hanging from your hand. Were you moping like this because you were sad that your brother couldn't come? Was it because you were uncertain of the future? Even I knew that wasn't the case back then. Even though our relationship had deteriorated during our last year of college, I still felt I had to mend whatever I could for both, no, for my sake.
"Is everything all right, Luds?" I asked, trying to make idle conversation.
"…oh, hey…," were the first words you had said to me in months.
"Do you mind if I sit next to you?"
"Go ahead."
As I took the seat beside you, neither of us could find anything else to say. That sour look returned to your face, your eyes still welting as you stared into nothingness once more. As I was watching you being like that, I had the urge to wrap my arms around you, to tell you 'I'm sorry' over and over again, but my conscience wouldn't allow me. It reminded me of Julius's words about your sensitive heart, that my wish to console you would probably just end up hurting you more. But still, I knew I couldn't just leave you like this, I had to say something, do something to help you.
"Hey Ludger, what are you going to do after graduation?" I continued with the small talk.
"…Julius says that I should become a chef," you answered after a moment's hesitation. "He says my cooking's just as good as the stuff you can get at the finest restaurants."
"Oh, I see."
"But I don't want to do that," you shook your head. "I want to work for Spirius, just like Julius. It's dangerous work, but…"
"But…?"
"If it means I can be by his side more, then I'm all for it!" you said with such vigor, standing up as you spoke. "After all, Julius has always had my back when we were growing up and I think it's my turn to have his."
"Yeah, that sounds nice…," was all I could say.
"…so what about you?" you asked. "What are you going to do?"
"I'm not sure," I answered. "I have an interview with Verland Bank next week. If I don't get the job then I dunno. Maybe Vera can hook me up with something at Spirius as well, but knowing her, she probably wouldn't give me any handouts."
"Nova, we're going now!" my sister waved as she and our friends began to leave the campus.
"Coming!" I called back.
"It was nice talking to you, Nova," you said.
And just like that, you began to walk away. With every step, I felt a slow, but sharp tug pulling at my soul. As I watched you, it felt as if I didn't act, I would never see or speak to you ever again. Again my nervousness and hesitation were getting the best of me, my voice becoming mute and my body unable to act. Yet my will was strong enough this time, my legs pushing me toward you once more as I called your name.
"Ludger, wait!" I tried to stop you.
To my relief, you stopped at the sound of my voice, your expression somewhat puzzled by how I stopped you. Again I found myself at a loss of words even though my head was swimming with them. I knew I had to choose my words carefully, that the next thing I said would only push you away once again. I couldn't bear that fact, I couldn't live with it, and so, I chose and said my words carefully.
"Do you want to join me for dinner?" I asked, my face slightly burning. "I mean, with Vera and our friends too. You'll join us, right?"
For a moment you looked at me with a somewhat monotone stare, your thoughts impossible to read. I found my heart beginning to sink again as you simply stood there, only for it to rise once more as I saw the curl on your lips and that same soft smile I had come to know in the few years past.
"Sure."
"Friends?" I asked, extending my hand out to yours.
"Friends," you took my hand unto yours.
As we held hands, I felt each of my nerves tingling once more. My own lips started smiling, my grin widening even further when I look at your chest, finding that very same tie I inadvertently given you hanging around your neck.
Back then I thought, that maybe, just maybe, we could have another chance…
Over the next three years we had kept in touch on and off as friends. Friends, that's all we were back then. Not once in the time we had spent together were we ever alone, it was often with some of our old classmates or even my sister when she wasn't getting drunk and ranting about her (lack of a) love life. It's true that I was happy that we were talking again during that time, but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a little bit… sad. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about what would happen if we were to try and take the next step again. Every day I always wondered if I would ever get the chance to tell you what was really in my heart. The more and more I thought about it, the more my heart yearned for yours.
Ludger…, did you feel the same way back then? I'm not sure if you did. After all, during your final days, it seemed you had a lot on your mind…
It seemed like another average work day at the time. Another customer, another loan they had to make. No, this wasn't an average work day once I saw how much the loan was for. 20,000,000 gald, I would've hated to be the guy who had to pay off this amount. To make matters worse, it was in Duval of all places. I thought at first that maybe it was another merchant who had become down on his luck, but never did I imagine this would be our true reunion after three years.
"Excuse me," I recall walking into the bar in Duval that fateful day. "I'm looking for Mr. Rideaux?"
"Ah, perfect timing Ms. Nova," the man who I believed was the client bowed. "This woman works for Verland Bank."
It was a dank and musty bar, the usual places where we met our down-on-their luck clients. Just get in, get out, and most of all, be professional. That's what I was taught early on in my career, that's how I did my job for the last three years. Yet as soon as I saw you standing there with a little girl beside you, I couldn't help but feel my heart jump in that very moment.
"Ludger?!" I immediately recognized you in that instant. "What are you doing here? Is this loan for you?"
To my surprise, you were with our client. When I first saw you, I found my nerves getting the best of me once again. I was happy to see you, excited in fact. It had been months since we last spoke, and so I thought that maybe, just maybe after my work was done, we could've caught up on old times. However, when I saw that look on your face that day, I knew things weren't going to be that simple.
"I'm glad you're okay, Nova," you said, your words somewhat confusing me.
"Hm? What are you talking about?" I asked.
You simply looked at me with a shocked look on your face after you spoke. It was as if you had seen a ghost or something. Back then I didn't understand what was going on with you at the time, nor could I even begin to comprehend what you had to do.
Even though I was happy to see you, I knew I was on a job, this wasn't the time to be all buddy-buddy and talk about old times. Knowing this, I kept my emotions in check as best as I could, holding back my excitement for a little bit more.
"In any case, we're talking about a small fortune," Rideaux continued, taking the little girl beside you forcefully by her hand. "Heh, consider your options."
You looked at me with a concerned look on your face now. It was probably the second time I saw those eyes, those sad, puppy dog eyes. It was as if you were looking for guidance, that you didn't quite know what to do. I wanted to hold you in that moment, to assure you everything was okay, but again, my duty as an employee of Verland Bank wouldn't do so. All I could do was possibly hurt you again, saying my next words by icing my heart.
"Sorry, I can't talk the specifics," was all I could say. "Those are the rules."
"Not to pressure you unduly," the man in red interrupted, "but have you reached your decision?"
It hurt me to see you standing there like that, again unsure of what to make of the situation. Again I saw your sensitive heart, how you wished to run away once again. I wanted to tear up the contract then and there, to shove it down that man's throat and tell him that I would pay your debt myself. Yet I saw you glance over to that little girl Rideaux was holding onto, your hands balling into fists as you did so.
"Fine," you said, determined yet defeated. "I'll sign the contract."
"Heh," Rideaux smirked as he forcefully released the child. "You've made a wise decision."
"Are you sure?" I questioned as I placed the contract on the table.
I watched your eyes filter through the paper. I saw a hint of sweltering in them, but at the same time, a hint of anger. From your eyes I could see that the situation was not one you were placed in by choice. I wanted to assure you that everything was okay, hold your hand and tell you everything will be all right.
As if it were acting on its own volition, I found my own hand reaching for yours. It was inappropriate for me to do so at this time, but I didn't care. If it meant I could help you in any way, if it could lead us toward the next step, then maybe…
"Sorry, the call took so long," a young man in a lab coat entered the bar at that moment, my hand pulling back quickly that very second. "Hey, what are you doing?!"
"Oh, he's just taking out a little loan to cover his medical obligations," Rideaux explained nonchalantly as the young man walked over to our table.
"This bill is huge!" the young man exclaimed the moment he laid eyes on the contract. "Did anyone tell you what'll happen if you sign that? Basically, you'll be tracked via GHS. They'll be monitoring your finances around the clock. You won't be able to buy a stick of gum without them knowing."
It's true that I hadn't gone over the specifics, but I was simply doing my job. Even if that was my excuse back then, I'm sure that it only made you hate me even more. But still, even for old time's sake, even for my own sake, I couldn't break character, all I could do was continue to act as a representative of Verland Bank.
"A lot of debtors can't manage their money," I explained. "Lot of 'em squander the cash they should be using to pay us back."
"Those deadbeats waste their money and their lives," the man in the red suit unnecessarily added. "But Ludger here isn't a deadbeat, is he?"
"That doesn't-" the scientist tried to protest.
"Or maybe you're saying you'd like to cover his bill," Rideaux quickly cut him off.
"That's… not quite what I was…," the man found himself at a loss for words.
"Besides," Rideaux continued rather rudely, "not to be gauche, but haven't you sunk every last gald into your spyrite research?"
Again the three of you were left speechless by this man's words. Even I was appalled by what he had just said. This man, Rideaux, to this day the thought of him still makes my blood boil…
"Hold on, Ludger," the scientist then turned to you. "There's gotta be another way."
"Well you could always try mooching off a family member," Rideaux continued. "A solidly-employed older brother, for example?"
The man's words struck a chord with you, your eyes igniting the anger flaring inside of you further. In that moment, you took the pen into your hand as you wrote your name on the contract, as if you were selling your very soul. I should have stopped you as soon as you took up that pen, but I couldn't. That determination, that drive, it was something…different, something I had never seen in you three years prior. I admit that I expected you to lash out afterward, to want to roll up the contract and throw it at that man, but surprisingly you remained…calm for the lack of a better word.
"Pleasure doing business with you," was all I could say. "I will transfer the amount of 20,000,000 gald into Mr. Rideaux's account."
"Hey wait!" the little girl tried to protest.
"I forgot to include your veterinary fees. My apologies for the oversight," the man said with almost a hint of glee in his voice, upsetting even Rollo now. "See me if you ever need follow-up treatment. I'll even give you the frequent-patient discount."
Without saying another word, the man left, not even batting an eye as you hung your head low at the realization of what you had just done. It was a lot for you to take in back then, and finally the weight of the situation was finally coming down on you. I couldn't bear to see you like this, I didn't want a repeat of what happened three years ago. Even though I myself was hurting inside for making you sign that contract, I put my sadness to the side as best as I could and spoke.
"Ludger, please don't look so glum!" I tried to assure you with a smile. "It's my job to help you pay off your loan. That means we're partners now!"
I thought that maybe a piece of my heart would reach out to you in that moment, that maybe I could help relieve your stress a little. Even if I couldn't convey what I truly wanted to say back then, I thought that maybe it was a start. However…
Another frown was worn on your face after I spoke. Maybe it was stupid of me to try and make light of the situation back then. As soon as I saw your reaction, I knew it would be best to not say anything else, my body remaining still as you and your friends walked outside, neither of us exchanging anymore words as you walked out the door…
It felt like we were drifting further apart back then, even though we spoke more often. Often times it was small talk, usually with me trying lift your spirits with a little joke now and then when I called regarding your debt. I wanted to speak with you, about old times, about us, about…anything…
I had later learned from my sister that you had gotten a job at Spirius. What that job was though, I had no idea. Even Vera couldn't tell me about, saying something like it was 'Top Secret Corporate Information' or something like that. No matter how much I pried, she refused to say anything, even when she was drunk. Still, I thought she did sometimes give some insightful advice when alcohol was in her system.
"I've had it with men!" I remember one of my sister's drunken ramblings.
"Really, Vera?" I questioned as I continued to nurse my cocktail. "Is this you talking or the alcohol?"
"Of coursh ish me!" my sibling slurred, nearly falling over the table as she spoke. "You think this bottle can talk? Are you crazy? Pour me another drink, Nova…"
"…just what happened this time?" I sighed at her latest failed date.
"He said I didn't talk," my sister hiccuped. "Well what about now, I'm talking now? I bet he's just not used to a woman of my standards. …or maybe I'm the one who's not up to his standards," she suddenly cried, her face falling flat against the table.
"It'll be all right," I tried to assure her.
"That's it! I'll show him how sexy I can be!" Vera suddenly rose from her seat. "The first thing I'll do tomorrow is call him! I'll woo him over with the sound of my voice!"
"…uh huh, right…"
"You should do it too, Nova," my sister continued her drunken rambling.
"Wait, what?"
"Call up a guy you like any speak to him all sexy… You know, call him pet names, speak through short breaths, that whole thing. I bet you my next paycheck it'll work."
"Vera… I really think you've had too much to-"
…it was just as it always was, my sister had too much to drink that she eventually passed out. I didn't think she was serious at first when she rambled on about 'talking sexy', but for some reason that night, I continued thinking about her words. To talk to you in such way, to show you a side I had never shown anyone ever before. It was a cheap and cheesy tactic I thought, but for whatever reason, I just thought it might work…
It was about lunch time when I called, when all my fellow co-workers had already left to grab something to eat. Even though I was supposed to go out as well, my last client refused to hang up his GHS so easily, leaving behind in the office alone. The moment I hung however, my sister's words rang in my ear again.
"Call up a guy you like any speak to him all sexy… You know, call him pet names, speak through short breaths, that whole thing. I bet you my next paycheck it will work."
I remember picking up the GHS in that very moment, my fingers shaking as I pressed the digits to call you. I felt my voice already scratching against my throat, the air around my growing thin. You may find it funny, but before I went to bed the night before, I practiced what I was going to say over and over again.
My heart's beats were synced with the ringing of your GHS, the words I had practiced racing through my head again and again. I found myself already getting tongue-tied, the embarrassment of my speech almost too much for me to bear. I prayed and prayed again that my call would just go to your voicemail and that you wouldn't pick up, but much to my delight and dismay, your voice answered on the other end.
"Hello?"
"Hi sweetie!" I lowered my voice, dragging out certain vowels as I spoke.
It was strange as I said those words to you, but at the time, I felt relieved. I thought I would feel embarrassed, shamed, yet with you…
My chest was pounding, my legs were fidgeting, my body warm… I couldn't help but lick my lips as I continued, shutting my eyes as if I were indulging in our little talk, my voice becoming low and breathless once again…
"It's Nova, your wallet's honeybun," I continued. "I do have needs you know…"
As I took in a single breath, my eyes opened in that moment, finding several of my male co-workers practically leaning in and drooling as they watched me. Unfortunately, amongst those co-workers was my boss, with a stern look on his face and holding a single piece of paper with the word 'meeting' pointed in my direction.
"Huh? We have a meeting," I said aloud. "Crap! I'll call you back!"
Was I of any help to you back then, or did I simply annoy you to no end? During those final days, you seemed a little more withdrawn than usual, more silent, more…angry… Even though I wanted to understand what it was you were going through, I still had my job to do. Ludger, could you ever forgive me for what I put you through?
"Hey hey hey, Ludger! It's Nova calling to gab about gald again!" I remember calling you once in my usual upbeat voice. "How goes the cash dash? Is the dough rolling in? Are you having a gald rush?! I get paid by the pun, ya know!"
A simple sigh was the only response I got from you. I thought at first that maybe I was simply getting on your nerves, but somehow I got the feeling there was more to it than that.
"Aw, come on. Not even a snicker? Wait, is something wrong?"
"A friend of ours just died," you replied after a moment of hesitation.
I felt as if the world around me had shattered in that moment. The moment you said that your friend had passed away, the images of your friends I had recently met quickly flashed before my eyes. One of those nine, I couldn't believe that one of them was truly gone. Their smiles, their laughter, one of those would be nothing more than a memory at that point. Even though I hadn't gotten to know them as well as you had, I still…
"What? I… I had no idea. My boss just told me to give you a little push so… I'm so sorry!" was all I could say before you hung up.
Things didn't get any better however… I left you alone for a few days, hoping that maybe I could give some time to recover from you loss. It seemed as if all I could say or ever did say hurt you in some way, and for that I… I thought it best that I kept my mouth shut and not say a word. Even though I thought this, I…
"Hey Ludger… Do you have a moment?" I remember another instance when I tried calling you again. "Sorry to bother you again, but…"
"You think I give a damn about money after I just killed myself?!" you yelled.
"Wait, did you just say 'kill yourself'?! It…It's only money, Ludger! Please don't tell me you're contemplating suici-"
Despite it all, it seemed as if your debt was suddenly put on hold. One last chance… One last chance to make things right I thought. I thought I'd drop by your place, maybe make you and your friends dinner in celebration for this development. I dropped by your place that evening, hoping to make amends with you and your friends. Yet the moment I was walking down the hall, I saw all of them rushing toward the elevator, but you were nowhere in sight. Worried, I went over to your apartment and rang the bell. You answered the bell, a drained look on your face as if you had been dragged through hell. It was obvious that you were upset, and so, I…
"Ludger… I was just stopping by to celebrate you paying off your loan, but uh… Um… You okay?"
Again you gave me the silent treatment, opting not to answer. I was doing it again back then, wasn't I? Making things worse like I always did.
"I just passed by Jude and the others," I tried changing the subject. "They were talking crazy talk. Something about building a soul bridge without you."
The words seemed to ignite something in you, your arms quickly taking hold of my shoulders as you looked me directly in the eye. That fire in your eye, I didn't understand it back then, but it… scared me. The way you gripped my shoulders, the gritting of your teeth, even the way you breathed, it was like you wanted to kill somebody. Again I didn't want to upset you, so I thought I tried to change the subject once again.
"But hey! Isn't Julius back now, too? We should totally paint the town red to celebrate! Just the three of us! Whaddaya say?"
For a moment it looked like you were at a loss for words, your eyes watering like they were on that day three years ago. I could see a whirlwind of emotions swirling within in you at that moment, as if you weren't sure to be either angry or sad. You were broken that day, the weight everything you were going through culminating in that single moment. I wanted to speak up again, to ask you what was wrong, to find out what's been eating you as of late. Yet before I could speak, Rollo's meow seemed to snap you out of your thoughts, causing you to run out the door as quickly as you could.
"L-Ludger?!"
In conversations that followed after that day, I noticed a change in you. There was no more anger, no more uncertainty, only… Whatever it was, I wanted to see it for myself, not just over the GHS, but in person.
It wasn't long after that you manage to pay off your debt. I was surprised, so happy, you were able to pay it off so quickly. But then there was that selfish urge that I had to see the person you had become, to see your new found conviction with my own eyes. And so that was when I decided that I would bring you to me, proposing that I would accept your final 100 gald personally. It was selfish of me back then, but I wanted to, no, I had to see you, to see if you were still the same man you were three years ago.
"Wow, you really did it!" I exclaimed as you handed me your final payment. "You paid off the 20,000,000 gald debt! I can't believe it!"
"Finally," you said.
"I… I think I'm gonna cry!" I said jokingly. "Oh, and Ludger! I want to give you something to celebrate going outta debt! How about going to a hot spring… with me!" I offered much you surprise and my sister.
"Huh?!"
"Meow?!"
"Now just a minute, Nova!" my sister exclaimed. "You said you were taking ME to that hot spring. Was this whole thing intended to be a gift to Ludger from the start?"
"Uh huh!" I replied, having forgotten my original promise to my sister.
It was only for a quick second, but I saw that twitch in Vera's eye. It was then that I remembered our conversation the other day, about how I shouldn't have told Ludger and everyone about her 'pumpkin' thing. I told her I would make it up to her, and I guess I sorta did say I would take her somewhere to help her with the stress she'd been getting from work.
"And you're coming too!" I quickly corrected myself. "We're gonna have a blast! That sorta thing calls for a huge celebration! Everybody's coming! The more the merrier!"
"Yeah. That sounds real 'merry' all right," Vera sighed.
It was then that I caught myself, the weight of my last two sentences coming to the forefront now. It wouldn't be a big deal if Vera came along; knowing her she would just relax at the springs and maybe sit in the hotel room the entire time. I thought maybe your friends might have gotten the idea that they too were invited if they heard what I had just said, and much to my dismay, they did hear every single word…
"Hey, congratulations, Ludger!" Jude and the others began to walk over now, almost like clockwork. "I heard you got your debt paid off!"
"What great timing!" I lied with my usual enthusiasm. "I was just about to call everyone together! We're all gonna have a big party to celebrate Ludger getting out of debt! I'm taking everyone to the Celestial Hot Springs! Pets and dolls are welcome too! Are you guys excited?!"
'Why'd I have to say that…?' I secretly thought to myself.
"A hot spring trip?" Gaius questioned. "At a time like this?"
I thought that maybe the Rieze Maxian King of all people would be able to convince everyone else to leave us alone at that point, that maybe he would be the voice to un-invite everyone. But much to my dismay and complete surprise, the total opposite happened.
"On second thought, it's not a bad idea," I felt as if his words struck me in the side of the head. "It can be very beneficial to restore one's energy and wash away the aches and pains of battle."
"That's true…," the spyrite researcher added. "And Ludger deserves a little reward for his hard work!"
"Meow!" Rollo added.
"Um, Ludger?" Elize chimed in now. "I've never actually been to a hot spring before."
"So let me get this straight…," her puppet began talking next. "Hot water just keeps flowing out of the ground? How have we not done this sooner?!"
"Perhaps I'll use this opportunity to teach you the proper way a man washes one's back, Ludger," Rowen said.
"And I'll bring everything we need for some pillow fights and truth or dare!" Leia put in her two cents now.
"I think Ludger here's more excited about the prospect of co-ed bathing, isn't that right?" Alvin teased.
"N-No!" your stutter from three years ago suddenly appeared once again.
"Ah, this must be one of those 'naked bonding experiences' which people speak of," I felt my jaw dropping from Milla's words. "Very well then, I will partake in the hot spring experience with everyone. Let us engage in naked merriment and become better companions."
"Well put!" the old man in the group said surprisingly calmly.
"Seems like a rather brazen way of putting it though…," Jude said in an aside.
"Hey, this is a party!" Muzet cried. "I say, go brazen… or go home!"
"Y'hear that, Ludger?" the businessman questioned.
"All right, gang, let's put the 'hot' in 'hot springs'!" I shouted.
'I really should've thought this one through…' I thought with a sigh.
I originally planned that day just for us, the day that I would finally told you the feelings I had bottled up for you within my heart over the last seven years. I was in love with you Ludger Will Kresnik, and I wanted you to know. I know that I was and still am a coward at heart, that I could never properly say what I truly felt.
I remember that night at the hot spring resort, how everyone else had gone to sleep already. I found myself unable to sleep that evening, admittedly because Vera's snoring kept me up. I decided to go for a walk, maybe grab something at the vending machine. Yet as I was walking to the lobby, I saw you right there, gazing into the stars.
Again I saw another side of you I had never seen in the seven years I knew you. Despite the recent events, despite everything I had said, despite the dangers you had experienced, you looked focused, determined. I couldn't understand what brought this new drive within you, but as I looked at you that evening, I…
…I found myself falling in love with you all over again. There you were, no longer that shy boy I first met on campus, you were no longer that young man that lashed out during times of emotional duress, you were standing there, a man with ambition, with a set goal in mind. The way your silver hair reflected the moonlight, the warm glow of the hot spring that reflected from your pupils, the way the stars made your skin glisten, all of this and the presence you gave left me in awe.
"Hey Luds," I was finally able to speak.
"Hey Nova," you greeted me back, "can't sleep?"
Again you were beaming with kindness, the same kindness you showed me when we first met. Yet, there was no stutter from back then, no rage, no sigh, no signs of distress. That look in your eye was also different, so calm and collected, the same as what I thought I saw in Julius back then. The man who stood before me, it was you, right?
"…yeah…," I nodded. "Hey Ludger, do you mind if I hang out here with you?"
"Go ahead."
It was the same as our graduation day again, just you and me once again. No words were said between us during that moment, it was just the two of us, looking at the stars. The atmosphere was light, the wind felt soft to the touch, your presence only soothing me further despite us not even speaking. Again I watched you as you gazed into the stars, gazing into the mature and confident man you had become.
I felt your confidence pouring into me at that moment, urging me to finally set free the feelings I had kept in my heart for all these years. Thump, thump, thump, I felt my heart continue to pulse inside of me. Things began to grow warm again, my body becoming lighter than air. It felt like I was sailing with the clouds in that moment as I was standing there with you. I felt my consciousness beginning to drift, my face growing hotter by the second as my heartbeat now echoed in my ears. My feelings for you were now at their peak, no longer able to be held back any longer. At that moment, I was finally able to speak, finally able to say the words I couldn't say three years ago…
"…there's this guy I'm in love with…," I began.
"What?"
I had your full attention at this point, our eyes meeting again the same way they had three years ago. Your gaze paralyzed me for a brief second, my nerves beginning to freeze again as our eyes met. Yet your solemn, yet serious smile melted this feeling soon after, catching my breath once again as I continued reciting the poem of my heart.
"…he was always sensitive back then, a little clumsy and shy, but…cute… He was always so innocent, always so polite, always putting the needs of others ahead of himself. But back then, I did something stupid. I…hurt him back then. Two little words, with just two little words I broke his heart… If I realized the meaning behind the words I spoke back then, we might have…"
The words started to stick in my throat in that second, my eyes beginning to well up once more. I couldn't bear to continue at that point, remembering all of the pain I had put you through. But you surprised me once more, that same puppy dog look you had back then was there once more. With my confidence renewed, I continued once more.
"I… I did so many horrible things to him lately too, things I had no intention of saying or doing. If only I knew what he was going through, if only I understood his pain, I wouldn't have been so cold…
"I was…afraid to talk to him again, afraid I might say something to upset him, and yet, he was anything but upset. Instead he showed me another side of him, a side I had never known. Confident, strong, determined, mature, things he never was before.
"I… I want to tell him that I love him," the words effortlessly left my lips. "I want to let him know how I truly felt when I first saw him, how every time I see him even now he makes me feel so helpless, yet so strong at the same time. I want him to know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, that what I truly meant to say back then wasn't 'I'm sorry', but 'I love you'…"
Again the night air blew between us when I finally said those words. Another silence was shared between us that evening, our eyes continuing to stare into one another. Even though I had finally expressed my feelings, my heart was still racing. The lack of words was killing me as you simply stood there, my insides aching from the anticipation of your reaction. My old nerves began to tug at me again, telling me to turn away and act as if this never happened. I found my body beginning to move again, beginning to walk away, and yet, my legs came a stop as your touch met with my shoulder.
"I'm sure the man you love would be grateful to hear those feelings," you said. "Won't you say them when you see him again?"
Another weight lifted from my shoulder when you said that, how red my face was when I heard you say these words. I looked into your eyes in that moment, finding a soft smile on your face as you looked me. Again I felt like I was in the clouds as I saw that smile, that same gentle, innocent smile from three years ago.
"I… I will!"
I had finally said it, finally told you the words I felt. I wanted to say them again, over and over, the words 'I love you', but to say them directly to you. 'Ludger, I love you,' how the words still dance whenever I think of them to this day.
As happy as I was that evening, little did I know that I would never get another opportunity to say the words that can no longer be said…
I had a feeling you would return soon thereafter, return from a place you called 'The Land of Canaan'. It was to be your last job was all Vera could tell me. I knew this would be the perfect opportunity to tell you those words once again, but say them to you and only you.
"You're more excited than usual…," my sister stoically observed aloud.
"He's coming back!" I couldn't contain my excitement. "This time, I'll let him know how I feel. Really, this time I will."
"You're not going to run away again, are you?" she sighed. "…even if you are this time, I'll make sure to just pull you back."
It was the first time in years I saw Vera smile like that. Despite the drama between us over the last few months, it seemed as if she was able to push it aside in that moment. The matters of the heart are a delicate thing, even Vera knew that. Despite how hard she was on me, despite how angry she became, she was always there for me.
It was when the sky in Marksburg returned to normal that your friends began to emerge from seemingly out of nowhere. Jude, King Gaius, Alvin, Leia, Elize, Rowen, Rollo and Elle. All of them came out of the strange portal by the water, all of them came with a bittersweet expression on their face.
As I saw them, a sense of dread began to fill my core. I told myself that maybe you were just a bit late, that maybe you were just making sure everything was safe again, or maybe…
"Welcome back," my sister greeted, quickly returning to her monotone character.
"Yeah, it's good to be back," Jude simply replied.
"W-wait, where's everyone else?" I quickly asked. "Wh-where's Ludger?"
The moment I mentioned your name, they all began to turn away. Again I felt my heart sink as I saw them, but a voice inside of my continued to assure me that everything was all right. You were just a little delayed, you were just staying behind a bit to make sure everything was all right, you were…
"…I'm sorry…," the monarch said in a solemn voice.
It was then that the world around me began to fall apart. My legs gave away quickly, almost as fast as the rivers that were now traveling down my face. My eyes were burning like fire, the air choking my words into the walls of my throat, my entire body trembling. Cold, it all felt so cold all of a sudden…
"Nova…," my sister watched with a concerned look on her face.
"Why…?" I asked. "Why would you-?!"
My vision began to blur I screamed, the swelling quickly swallowing everything in sight. The sound of my voice created another eruption of tears to fall from my eyes, each of the drops searing to the touch. My sadness quickly turned into anger, into hatred at that moment. I was angry at you for you did during our final moments, how you gave me a hope that maybe we had a future together. I was angry how you couldn't just tell me that there would never be anything between us, I was angry that you let me keep these emotions bottled up inside me for all these years, I was angry that…
"Hey, Nova…," the little girl you were always with approached me.
From behind the tears in my eyes, I saw a familiar streak of yellow in her hands. My vision began to grow clear as I focused on the simple fabric from years past, the one and only gift I really gave you as a symbol of my love.
Elle stretched her arm outward to give me the tie, her lips curled in a bittersweet smile. The moment I touched the cloth, I felt my anger slowly begin to disappear, the little girl's voice only soothing me further as she spoke.
"You gave this to him, right?" she asked. "He wore it every day ever since I met him."
"I… I did give this to him," I said, doing my best to wipe away the tears, "but how-?"
As my hands ran behind the back of the tie, there was a part that felt a little different. It felt a little harder, like paper, but a bit thicker. Turning it to the other side, I found a familiar tag tucked away in the inside. Pulling it out, I saw the familiar words I wrote three years ago, words that still echo in my heart to this day…
Ludger, did you know how I felt in the very end? Did you know how much meant to me? The words we could never say, did you at least read them? Even to this day, I keep that gift with me, wrapped around my neck as you always did, always keeping it at least close to my heart.
I…I regret never having said those words to you and only you. The words 'I love you', how I wished they could simply roll off my tongue as easily back then as I can say them now. If only I had that chance, if only you could hear those words now, I-
"Meow!"
My kitten returns me to reality now. I can't help but smile at the tiny creature as he paws at my leg. His fur is the same color as his father's, gray, almost like silver, but his forehead covered in a patch of black, almost like yours. Even his sapphire-like eyes reminds of yours, so deep, yet full of life.
"I'm sorry, Luds," I apologize to my pet. "Just a little longer…"
…Ludger, can you hear me now? Can you hear the words I wish to say? If you can, please give me a sign…
…there's my wishful thinking at work again… Maybe Vera was right, maybe it's time to move on…
A sudden gust of wind catches me off guard now, almost taking my beret with it. The gust is strong, yet gentle, but surprisingly not cold to the touch. For a mere second it swayed the bare trees around me, only to slowly settle. I look around and find everything else to be frozen, including my cat who keeps the same posture he had as he braced himself for the gust of air. Time itself seems to have stopped where I stand, but strangely, I don't feel frightened whatsoever.
Warm, surprisingly the atmosphere has become warm where I stand. I feel my heart starting to beat like how it did back then, slow, heavy, and full of life. Thump, thump, thump, I hear it beat against my ears. As I continue to gaze into the frozen setting, I feel as I am being watched, a familiar gaze tracking my every move. I don't feel threatened or uneasy however, instead my being filled with even more warmth. The source of this gaze, I know where it's coming from, behind me, by the entrance to the college. I turn around now, my hands quickly finding themselves wrapped over my mouth and my eyes beginning to water. There you are by some miracle, standing before me, standing by the entrance to our old school, that same gentle smile from back then stretched across your lips.
"L…Ludger…," I call your name.
You simply stand there with that same smile stretched across your lips, your smile, your simple smile sending me into more tears. I find myself running toward you now, stopping just a few steps in front of you. Thump, thump, thump, I hear my heart beating against my ears, the words I want to say once again choking in my throat as my legs quiver like a lamb's. I have so much I want to say to you, so much I want to do with you, so much I…
"Ludger, I…," I find myself at a loss of words once again.
Again you stand there with your innocent smile, as if you were waiting for me to speak. The words I wish to say, finally… Finally I get a chance to say them after all these years, and yet…
"I'm sure the man you love would be grateful to hear those feelings," your words from ten years ago echo in my ears once again. "Won't you say them when you see him again?"
You came here to hear those words after all these years, haven't you? Though I only think these words, it feels as if you can read my mind as you stand there, nodding as your lips keep their curl. My eyes tear once again as I see your response, my tears not of sadness, but of relief.
The unease within me begins to lift with every drop that falls from my eyes, the air around me growing even lighter. As the atmosphere continues to ease, I feel the words in my throat beginning to loosen and fall on my tongue, my voice then finally expressing the words I held within my heart for so long. After thirteen long years, I say the words I never could, speaking them with confidence and every inch of my heart and soul hanging to every letter and syllable.
"I love you."
The weight on my heart has finally lifted, the world around me becoming weightless. I feel the air growing hotter, my body practically melting as I let the words continue to echo in my ears. 'I love you…'
"I love you, Ludger Will Kresnik!" I repeat the words once again from the top of my lungs. "I love you with all my heart. I love you as much as I did back then as I do now. I love-"
Another gust of wind catches me off guard that moment, almost pushing me forward. This sudden blast of air is stronger than the last, catching several snowflakes within its grasp. I find myself almost falling, only to be stopped as my face falls on your chest. I feel your arms wrap around me as they did during our first and only kiss, your fingers gently wrapping around my chin as you turned my eyes toward yours. I lose myself as I look directly into your gaze, finding our reflections infinitely bouncing off one another as I do so. As I gaze into your eyes, I can't help but say the words one more time.
"I love you."
I feel the winds growing stronger as I'm wrapped in your embrace. I know that you don't have much more time, your hold around my face beginning to dwindle. Even though I was finally able to say those three words, there was still something I wanted to do, something I wished to give you before we part. This time, this time it would be right, this time the feelings behind it were clear, this time would be our first…
Our lips meet in that moment, time itself freezing once more as my mouth pushes against yours. This time I make sure that my intention is clear, to show you that this kiss is of my own volition. We continue to stand there in one another's embrace, the chilly air melting from my touch. Just like thirteen years ago, the skin of your lips was still chapped, yet as smooth. The air you breathed continued to thaw the air around us, tickling me gently as we touched. Heaven, it felt like heaven as we kissed, and yet, I knew that like before, it wasn't meant to last…
The cold breeze around us begins to pull us apart now. The distance between us begins to grow by the second, my hand still clutching hold of yours the wind takes you further away. I cry your name, tears once again rushing down my face. Yet you continue to show me that smile of yours, that innocent smile you always gave me during our days in college.
"Ludger, please don't go!" I beg from the bottom of my heart. "Please Ludger!"
And now I finally see your smile begin to melt, a tinge of regret falling on your face as you allow the wind to carry you further. Our hands can barely hold onto one another now, your touching quickly turning into another fading memory as you drift further away. Again I cry, calling your name once again.
"Ludger!"
And yet, as the space between us grows, you allow yourself to be taken by the wind, your final words echoing the same thing I said thirteen years ago.
"…I'm sorry…"
…and just like that, time itself begins to move once again… Here I am, kneeling before the entrance to our old university, my hand still reaching out for yours, the tears streaming down my face still fresh. In that moment, here I am once again, alone, without you…
The season's wind blows once again, the yellow tie around my neck whipping against my face in that instant. What feels like a corner meets with my upper lip, my hand pulling the material down in the next second. Yet when I do this, a small piece paper falls out from the back of the tie, a familiar tag now covered in a single tear. Again my eyes wilt further as I read the text, reading the words that I had written you thirteen years ago.
"To the man I love. Love Nova," were the words written on the tag.
Ludger, you had said the same words I spoke thirteen years ago. Even though those words have echoed once again, I find myself…relieved… I'm not pondering the meaning behind them, I'm not upset with what you had said, I simply feel…
"Meow!" my kitten returns me to reality once again.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Luds!" I apologize to my pet as I take him into my arms. "You must be hungry! Come on, let's go home. If Elle's back from her latest job, I'm sure she's got some nice tomato soup waiting for us!"
I take one final look at the entrance now as I always do. The desire to come back and see you again, to tell you the feelings that lingered in my heart for so long, for the first time in thirteen years, I no longer feel compelled to return. You had finally given me that chance, Ludger, finally lifted the weight on my heart and gave me the courage to move forward.
They say that love is a selfless emotion; it can never be greedy, it can never be stolen, it can only be given. Ludger, I had expressed to you my love, and that's enough for me. Even if I will never truly learn the meaning behind your last words, I still find myself…happy to have told you how I felt.
Do you feel that Ludger? My heart is still racing as I think of you. Though our future can never be shared, I will continue to live on with your memory close to my heart, those memories continuing to give me strength to this very day.
Ludger, will you let me say those words one more time. A second time? A third? As much as I want forever more? I will say them as many times as I can, Ludger, I will say them from the bottom of my heart and soul every time I think of you.
"I love you…," I say the words once again.
…thank you, Ludger… Thank you for finally let me say the words we never spoke…
Author Note: Well that's the end of The Words We Never Spoke. Originally I was going to use more dialogue from the actual game and have a few more scenes, but the story was running long enough and I didn't want to make it a multi-chapter story (unfortunately this also meant cutting back on any other characters' screen time, especially Vera's). I also saw this as practice for writing more romance as I think I do better more with actual drama than romance.
I haven't seen too many Nova-centric fan fics online and I think I'm one of the few people who actually enjoyed her character in Tales of Xillia 2 (though I'll admit, I'm also a big fan of her English voice actress, Cristina Vee). I figured since Nova probably won't have much screen time in my main project, End of an Era, I could at least give her this story.
In any case, I hope you've all enjoyed reading this fic as much as I've enjoyed writing it. I might do similar one-shot Tales of Xillia side stories in the future regarding other game characters I couldn't really fit into End of an Era (I'm thinking maybe a comedy/drama about Vera's love life later on, but I still need a decent idea for a plot).
Anyway, thanks for reading, I truly hope you've all enjoyed reading it as I did writing it.