Be happy:
Arizona's POV
The first time you noticed it was the day after the hearing. Those eyes that were once so vibrant with emotion now had a dull undertone to them. It was a look of defeat. You've seen it before...in the room of the therapist's office years ago. It pains you to realise that you were the cause of it both of those times. You don't dwell on it too long though. This time you know it's not your fault. And you'd do anything to see those eyes come to life once more.
Anything at all.
Except give up your daughter.
...
The second time you see that look is when she approaches you in the NICU. You've heard the rumours about her not going to New York, and the tear stains on her face only confirm this.
You feel your heart ache a little when you notice this. It was never your intention to cause her pain.
But then she starts talking and the anger inside of you builds up when you remember the pain she put you through, and so you lash out. You hear the words come out of your mouth and you see how surprised she is by them but she doesn't argue. She just apologizes to you and walks away defeated. You don't look up until you're certain that she's left the room, and it's only when you glance at her retreating form near the elevator that you let out the breath you've been holding in. You feel the tears well up in your eyes and a few of them fall before you can stop them.
You're not surprised.
Whenever she felt pain, so did you. It's just the way the two of you worked.
And you wish that you could do something to ease her pain because you can't stand to see her that way.
And you'd do anything to see that smile again.
Anything at all.
Except give up your daughter.
...
You're not surprised when you find her later on to let her know that she can have Sofia for the night. You say it's because you have a surgery that might run late so she'd be doing you a favour. You see her glance at the OR board,and the gratitude in her eyes makes your heart swell. You wait until you see her leave the hospital with Sofia in hand, before you remove your name from the OR board and begin to pack your things to head home.
That surgery was rescheduled for tomorrow anyway.
You just didn't want her to know of the hold she still has on you despite everything.
Despite separate houses and separate lives, despite custody battles and New York.
That hold will always remain.
...
She doesn't laugh anymore.
You miss it.
The hallways of the hospital used to be filled with her laughter. Once upon a time you were the reason behind that laughter. More recently, that reason was someone else, someone who is currently miles away.
You miss it.
And you'd do anything to hear that laugh again.
Anything at all.
Except give up your daughter.
...
Sofia notices it too. She comes up to you one day and asks you about it. You don't know what to say. What do you say? How do you explain this to her when you're still trying to process everything yourself?
You tell her that Mama's just been very busy at work which is making her tired.
It's not a complete lie.
You know she's been throwing herself into every case she can get, just to keep busy. To keep herself from going back to an empty apartment.
An empty home.
You know that feeling all too well.
Thankfully, that seems to satisfy Sofia, who goes back to her colouring as if nothing has changed. As if she didn't just ask you a question that makes you reevaluate every decision that you've made.
That's just the way the mind of a 5 year old works.
Sometimes you wish you were still a kid.
...
You notice these changes more and more everyday. You ask Bailey about it, but she seems to think that it's normal. That's it's okay for someone to wallow in self pity before moving on. You're not so sure about that.
Look what it did to you.
It cost you your marriage.
...
You're looking for your white sneakers later on that day when you find something stuffed in the back of your closet, still safe in it's tiny box.
The necklace.
The one exchanged a lifetime ago, before broken promises and broken dreams. You remember the words that you said to each other as if it were only yesterday.
Promises of love and trust.
To be there for one another.
To make each other happy.
And suddenly, it's like a lightbulb has just went off in your head. You may have not been able to keep all of those promises, but there is still one more thing that you can do.
One last promise that you can keep.
...
And so you find yourself making your way to her house at 6pm with Sofia in hand. Her look of confusion at seeing you there immediately turns into one of joy when she sets her eyes on Sofia. It's then that you realise you've made the right decision.
There's no going back now.
Once again you've brought tears to her eyes, only this time, they're from happiness. You try to keep your emotions at bay as she hugs you -probably for the last time- and you make plans to set up a new custody arrangement in the future.
As you walk back to your car you hear giggles of excitement as she tells Sofia the news. It's that sound that propels you to move forward, to be a good man in a storm.
You manage to keep it together until you get home. It's only when you enter your empty apartment that you realise the extremity of what you've done. You feel the tears start to flood but you don't hold them back. Despite the pain, you know you've done the right thing.
Because you made a promise years ago.
And you'd do anything to make her happy.
Anything.
Even if it means giving up your daughter.