I don't even know what happened. I watched the episode and spent the next three hours writing this. And another three just for the last paragraph. Wow. I wish I would feel this strongly about my PhD thesis…
And if you're waiting for the next chapter of White Blank Page, please be patient. It's in the works.
.::.
"Jane. It's me. I was just wondering if you got home safely." Kurt ended the call with a smile on his face. He still couldn't believe what had happened. The guts of her... Only one more point on the endless list of things he was grateful for about this woman.
"Are you calling your girlfriend?" Sawyer suddenly piped up from behind him.
Kurt swung around with wide eyes. He should have a bribed the kid.
"His girlfriend? Sawyer, what are you talking about?" Sarah asked as she carried their dishes from dinner into the kitchen area.
Sawyer turned back to his mother. "The girl he was kissing outside earlier." He said as he moved towards the table and gathered two plates, trying to stack them together.
That little…
Sarah reappeared in the doorway, a curious smile on her face. "Why didn't you tell me?" She playfully asked her son, before her gaze swung to Kurt. "Why didn't you tell me?"
That seemed to break whatever trance Kurt had been in. That, and the sudden blush he felt in his cheeks. "Okay, enough." He groaned and looked at Sawyer, trying to be stern. But his general happiness right now bled through on his face. "No more telling who I'm kissing." He breathed out with a laugh. "Go help your Mom with the dishes."
"I am helping!" Sawyer complained, his small hands picking up his wobbly stack of plates.
"I know." Kurt smiled and walked over to him. "Come on, I'll help you."
::
He didn't dare pick up the phone again until his sister was busy tucking in Sawyer at nine, knowing that Sarah would never let him live it down if he behaved like a love-struck teenager. He had to laugh at himself. That's exactly what he felt like though.
"Jane, it's me again. Sawyer is a little tattletale and Sarah is giving me hell." He joked before his voice became more somber. "Please let me know you're okay."
His sister walked up behind him. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah." He smiled. At least he hoped so.
"You gotta give a girl some space you know." Sarah let herself fall into the cushions next to him. "Otherwise Jane's going to dump your sorry ass again."
Kurt just huffed but couldn't help but smile. "Sawyer, huh."
"Yes." Sarah reached over to pat his arm. "Well, you know he didn't have to tell me. Who else would it be?"
He nodded more to himself than as an answer. She was right. Who else? No one dominated his thoughts, his every waking moment as much as Jane did.
"So, you wanna tell me what happened?" Sarah tried her luck.
Kurt just chuckled and shook his head. "No."
"But you're going to anyway, right?" Sarah egged him on.
Kurt just got up from the couch and made his way to the bathroom.
"Kurt?" Sarah called after him. "Kurt? I'll just ask my son!"
::
By ten o'clock he was worried. Jane still wasn't answering her cell phone. He didn't think she regretted the kiss, not from the look she had been throwing him when she had left. Was she nervous? But that was no reason not to contact him. And knowing that she sneaked out right under her security detail's eye didn't sit well with him. How often had she done this before? His eyes wandered back to his silent phone, willing it to ring.
By eleven he was downright panicking. He had called her security detail and after yelling at them for two minutes straight they had confirmed that Jane was not at the safe house. Only Sarah suddenly reappearing from her bedroom kept him from ripping them a new one right then and there.
"Find her." Was all he said tersely before he hung up.
"What's going on?" Sarah asked confusedly.
He was already on his way to the door and grabbed his gun and keys.
"Jane's missing."
"Are you sure?" Sarah watched as he fastened the holster to his hip.
His menacing stare was answer enough.
"Kurt." She called after him. He turned around in the doorway. "You'll find her."
He damn well hoped so, because he was not ready to lose her again.
::
He called Zapata from the car.
"Boss?" She asked warily, not necessarily tired.
"Tasha, I'm sorry but I need you to come in. Jane's missing." He made a turn at the intersection, running over a red light.
"What?"
"She's not at her safe house and she's not answering her phone." Another red light.
"Kurt." He already hated her placating tone. "She does that sometimes."
"What do you mean?" He tightened his grip on the steering wheel.
She heaved a deep breath on the other side of the line. "Sneaking out, strolling around in the city."
"No." He bit back on his words. "I know that. But this is not it. She's not answering her phone. Something happened."
He just knew it.
"Okay." She sounded resigned. "I'll be right in." She hung up.
Reade sounded slightly more inconvenienced but didn't argue, just confirming that he was on his way.
::
Kurt's eyes roamed over the monitors, where the search for Jane's cell phone was under way. There had to be more they could do.
"I talked to her detail, the last time they saw her was at five p.m. when they dropped her off and she went inside the house." Reade stepped up to his team mates and relayed his information.
"Okay." Zapata chimed in when Weller still didn't say anything. "We know she sometimes likes to sneak out, walk around the city."She supplied.
"What? Why would she do that?" Reade asked.
Zapata just shot him a skeptical look. "So she doesn't feel like she lives in a cage, under constant surveillance?! Dumbass." She muttered.
"That's not it." Weller finally joined the conversation. If that was the case, what was that sinking feeling in his gut that something was going on?
"Kurt."
He met Zapata's eyes. She had to know something. Or she had a feeling.
Weller took a deep breath, admitting to himself that there was no way around this. "She was at my place around six." He caught the look that passed between the other two instantly. "It's not like that." He quickly defended himself, defended Jane.
Except it was. Like that.
"Then what happened?" Reade asked and Kurt was once more reminded that he had taken him on because of his ability to keep a cool head in times of utter chaos.
"She was there, she told me she had evaded her detail, we talked and she left five minutes after." He quickly relayed their encounter.
He should have made her stay. To hell with Sarah and what she would have said. He should have made her come in and have dinner with them. He shook his head. She never would have stayed.
"What did you talk about?" Reade asked calmly.
Weller's gaze met his. "That's not important." He said with a dismissive shake of his head.
"It is." Reade pointed out. "Did you guys have a fight? Was she angry when she left?"
"We didn't have a fight!" Kurt chastised himself for his volatile emotions.
"Are you sure?" Zapata kept asking.
Kurt closed his eyes. God, they sounded like Sarah when she thought he was too thick-headed once again.
"What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? We didn't fight! We kissed and then she left. She wasn't angry!" Not by a long shot.
He only realized what he'd said a second too late.
"Told you." Zapata cockily said to Reade while the later grudgingly fumbled a twenty dollar bill out of his pocket.
"What?" Weller was confused.
"Nothing. I just knew you'd be too chicken to make the first move." Zapata pointed out, tucking away the money.
"Can we get back to the real reason we're here now?" It took every effort to keep his voice calm.
Reade nodded and took a step closer to him. "Boss. If you launch an official investigation into her whereabouts and go on record saying that you guys-"
"He didn't say shit." Zapata cut into Reade. "You heard him. They talked and then she left."
They all shared a look. "Alright." Reade nodded.
::
"Can you untie me now?" Jane asked warily, her heart pounding in her chest. Oscar, she reminded herself. His name was Oscar.
"And you're not going to kick my ass, right?" He tried to make light of the situation, but already moved in her direction and pulled a knife out of his pocket.
Jane shook her head. She didn't know what to make of this.
Oscar bent down and cut through the rope pinning her down and the zip ties holding her hands together. Then he moved a few steps back, never letting her out of his sight.
Jane sat up and smiled thankfully. She rubbed her bruised wrists while her gaze travelled to Carter's dead body. "How many more are there?"
"Just him and two guarding the place." Oscar still looked at her and it made Jane feel slightly uncomfortable. She didn't care what her former self had said in the video.
"How did you know where to find me?" She asked, trying not to sound too suspicious.
He just coked his head to the side and gave her a look. He had been following her and they both knew it. But for how long? Had he been there when she had met Kurt? He had to have been.
"We should leave." Oscar pointed out.
"Leave? Jane asked. Her eyes flicked back to Carter. "He's the director of the CIA! If they find him and take a closer look around, they'll know I was here too!"
"What do you want to do? Call Weller?" Oscar all but spat the name at her. It was the first glimpse she got at the man he was. "We remove everything that points to you and leave. This was not supposed to happen." He quickly moved around the room, collecting the cloth Carter had used to cover her face and her abandoned cell phone.
"So there's a plan? What and a timeframe too?" Jane wanted to know, still not moving from the spot she was sitting.
He turned back around. "You saw the video, didn't you?"
"Yes. It didn't explain much." Jane decided to press the issue. It explained barely anything if she was honest.
"Well, I'll do that once we get out of here." He pointed out.
::
Jane found herself on a dingy couch in an abandoned apartment complex an hour later. Oscar had given her a dry shirt and let her change in peace. He'd also left his phone with her and she had watched the video in repeat, hoping to trigger any memory. By now she could even recite it word for word in her head, but nothing came to her. And it didn't answer any of the other questions burning inside her. In fact, the more she watched it the more removed she felt from the woman on the screen. The long hair and absence of tattoos looked foreign to her.
This wasn't her.
Not anymore.
Oscar stepped back into the room and handed her a hot tea, before taking a seat on a chair across from her.
Jane took the cup with a grateful smile but sniffed the content warily.
"It's your favourite." Oscar supplied.
She doubted that, but she didn't dare say anything. Her gaze swept over the room, taking in the lone cot in a corner, and the wall behind the desk, looking so much like her own living room wall, covered in drawings of her tattoos.
"You drew all these, didn't you." Jane gestured down at her arms.
"Yes." Oscar nodded. "We weren't supposed to have contact at this point in the mission, but Carter abducting you shouldn't have happened. You got sloppy."
"For how long have you been watching me?" She asked.
"From the beginning." He admitted freely.
"And the man who broke into my first safe house?" She set the cup down on the table in front of her.
Oscar sighed. "An aberration."
Jane just huffed in response. An aberration. This whole night felt like an aberration. Everything since the moment she had left Kurt and Sawyer in front of their building. Because that had felt completely… right.
Oscar sat up and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I know you don't remember anything-"
"I remember." Jane interrupted him.
"What?" He straightened instantly and his eyes were full of surprise. Surprise and hope, Jane noted.
"I remember… us." Jane supplied, trying to keep her tone neutral. "Being together. It's just little moments. But I assume we were engaged. At least until I gave the ring back to you." It was the first time she voiced these memories and she suddenly had to avoid his gaze and blink away any emotion she might feel.
"Oh my God. That's amazing!" Oscar laughed. "I never would have thought this was possible!"
"But I don't remember you." She quickly squashed his hopes. "I don't remember… what any of it feels like."
She could see that wasn't what he had been hoping for and she felt a short stab in her chest at the pained look on his face.
"The video, how long ago was that?" Jane tried to change the subject when he didn't say anything.
Oscar drew a deep breath before he lifted his gaze to meet hers again. "About eight months ago." His voice sounded weaker than a moment ago.
Jane nodded to herself. "Can I have it?"
"No." Oscar shook his head. "It's too dangerous."
She'd already thought as much. "What happens now?"
Oscar furrowed his brows. "You go back." He said matter-of-factly, clearly pushing away any hurt.
"What?" Jane was startled. "I can't go back."
"You have to. The mission has to continue as if nothing happened." He stared back at her with determination.
"And when they find Carter? The FBI knows he was after me." Jane pointed out.
Oscar shook his head. "You can't tell them anything. Not about me and not about the video you just saw. Not to anyone, not even Weller."
"Was that pre-meditated, too?" She couldn't help but think about what Reade had said about the sleeper agents. How they studied their prospective partners and then molded themselves to their taste. Is that what she had done? Created someone to appeal to Kurt's urge of being needed?
Oscar's face didn't reveal anything. "I don't know."
"What are you not telling me?" She scolded herself for her trembling voice.
"All I know is that you studied him." Oscar supplied in a flat tone.
::
He had refused to answer any more questions after that. Jane nervously fingered her phone as she walked the few blocks from where he had dropped her off. He had replaced the battery and told her not to turn it on until she was home. Weller would probably be tracing it.
"I know you like him. But you have to be careful. He doesn't know you." Oscar had said.
Jane just snorted at the memory of his words. She didn't even know herself. And as long as Oscar wouldn't tell her anything else, she had no one but Kurt.
"What's my name? Can you at least tell me that?" She had asked in a last effort, just as he had pulled the car to a stop.
But like her previous questions, he wouldn't say anything. He had met her eyes and gestured towards the street outside. "This is as far as I can take you."
Jane had unbuckled herself, but hadn't opened the door. Instead she had looked at him with wide eyes. "Just tell me, please. Is my name Taylor Shaw?"
Oscar had looked out the windshield and swallowed visibly. She could tell that he was torn. "No." He said sharply.
She shouldn't have been surprised by that. She wasn't, really. Just disappointed.
Jane rounded the corner. There was no point in evading her detail now. If Weller was truly looking for her, they knew she had snuck out. And if he wasn't, they deserved to know that they sucked at their job. They sprung out of the car as soon as Jane stepped under the first street lamp. Larry and Carl tonight. They were two of the nicer ones and Jane almost felt sorry for them. By the way they frantically checked the vicinity and rushed towards her, she could tell Kurt had put the fear of God in them.
"Ma'am." Carl called out.
"Hi, guys." No point in playing clueless now, she supposed.
"You really shouldn't have done that. Agent Weller-"
"I'll talk to Agent Weller." She interrupted him swiftly.
Carl shared a look with Larry. "But-"
Jane laid a hand on his arm. "I'll call him as soon as I'm inside." She said with finality.
They escorted her to her door and watched her step inside.
Jane sank down with her back against the door as soon as she had locked it behind her. Her heart was racing. Afraid Larry or Carl would beat her to it, she pulled her phone out of her jacket. She pried the case open, just to check if anything was out of the ordinary, but everything looked normal to her. Oscar had said he would contact her when the time came, but she would get a new phone tomorrow just in case he had messed with it.
The screen came alive when she turned it on and her phone informed her of fourteen missed calls. Kurt. Only five voice messages.
Her phone rang in her hands before she had the chance to listen to any of them. She picked up and slowly lifted it to her ear.
"Jane?"
"Kurt. Hi." Her free arm drew around her bent knees, drawing them closer to her chest.
"Where the hell have you been?" She could hear the desperation in his voice and felt her chest tighten.
"I'm sorry, I…" Her voice drifted off. Oscar was right. She couldn't tell him. Not now.
"Jane? You still there?"
"Yeah." She cleared her throat. "Yes, I'm here. Sorry, I just… I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Jane." His voice was tight, more subdued. She imagined him taking a few steps away to keep the others from listening in. "Where have you been? Are you okay? I'm on my way over right now."
"No." She screwed her eyes shut, hoping to keep the sudden tears at bay. She didn't want to push him away and she hoped he wouldn't suspect anything. "I was just walking around. Everything's fine. We're fine." Her voice almost caught on that. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Jane." He sounded pained.
She looked up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly. "Kurt. I'll see you tomorrow." She repeated, then she hung up on him.
::
Kurt lowered his hand and his eyes fell down to the screen of his phone. Something was… off.
"I called her detail." Zapata said and he turned around to face his team. "She's home and she locked the door behind her."
He nodded, still feeling numb. Reade caught him hesitating though. "Everything alright?"
A lump formed in Kurt's throat, despite the fact that everything he had feared in the last hours hadn't come true. Not tonight anyway. "Yeah." He said distractedly, before he concentrated on Reade and Zapata again. "Guys, I…"
"Don't mention it." Reade helped him out and Zapata nodded in agreement. "But you owe us. And if my girlfriend ever runs away from me, I'm going to hold you up to that!"
Kurt shifted uncomfortably. She wasn't his girlfriend, but that was beside the point. They both knew that. "Yeah."
"What girlfriend? I'll believe it when I meet her." Zapata ribbed him as they made their way out of the bullpen. Even Kurt couldn't help the grin that slid over his face as he followed them.
::
"Jane. It's me. I was just wondering if you got home safely."
"Jane, it's me again. Sawyer is a little tattletale and Sarah is giving me hell. Please let me know you're okay."
Jane lay curled into a ball on her bed, still fully clothed, when she listened to his messages. He sounded so… happy. Just like she had felt when she had walked away from him.
That moment felt like ages ago.
She saved both messages and went on to the next ones.
"Jane. Where are you? Call me."
More frantic this time. It wasn't until the last two messages that his desperation bled through.
"Jane. We're looking for you. If you get this…Please…" Then he hung up.
The last message all but broke her heart.
"Jane."
Tears spilled over her cheeks as she listened to all of them again. And again. After the third time, she only played the first two on repeat. The ones where he sounded both so carefree and hopeful.
She was startled out of her musings when someone knocked on her front door. Jane sat up and quickly wiped away her tears with her sleeve, only now realizing that she was still wearing Oscar's shirt. The knock sounded again.
She didn't have to take a look to know who it was. Kurt. Jane quickly changed shirts, hastily stashing Oscar's in her dresser and made her way to the front door.
Kurt looked like the messages she just listened to. The frantic ones.
"Jane."
She stepped aside to let him in. Kurt barely waited until she had closed the door and turned around to face him before he pulled her against him and held her tightly.
She didn't mind.
Instead she wound her arms around him as well and just held on. Whatever memory she had of Oscar didn't hold a candle to this. She let out a deep breath when he turned his head and pressed his lips against her forehead. The tension of the last hours slowly left her and she burrowed further into the comfort of his arms.
"Jane." He said in a gravelly voice. "Where have you been? What happened?"
Jane leaned her forehead against his collarbone and took a deep breath before she drew her head back to meet his searching gaze. "Do you trust me?"
Kurt frowned at her, but didn't let go. "Yes." He breathed.
"I can't tell you what happened." She saw the hurt in his eyes and felt his arms slackening around her. Jane let him go and took his face between her hands instead. "Not right now."
In a move that felt achingly familiar to her by now, he held on to her wrists, not moving her hands from his face. "Are you okay?"
Jane couldn't help a small smile as she nodded. "Yes." Her thumb brushed over his stubble.
Kurt's eyes flickered down to her lips before he met her eyes again. "Please don't ever do that to me again."
The corner of Jane's mouth twitched in the barest of smiles and seemingly that was all the invitation Kurt needed. He let go of her wrists and in a sweet analogy to their earlier kiss cupped her cheek. His other hand went to her waist to hold on to her.
"I'm not ready to lose you again." He whispered, his lips a hairbreadth away from hers. "I'll never be ready."
She pushed every thought of Oscar and the video of herself from her mind the moment his lips met hers. She didn't have to try very hard.