The images still haunted his dreams; waking up in a dark room, cold sweats engulfing his body. He was breathing heavily, rapidly moving his head from side to side to take in his surroundings. Grabbing his knees, wrapping his arms tightly round them, he buried his face. He needed that reassurance, that stability in his life. He knew he was safe, but the memories of what happened back on the Normandy stopped him from wanting to return to sleep. The very thought of her name stung at his heart strings.
He blamed himself for her death, it wasn't a decision he had taken lightly but after hearing a few home truths it was a burden he knew he now had to live with. Didn't they even think for a moment how he felt, that maybe, he had lost someone he was close too.
Next to the ship nothing compared to her, her auburn shoulder length hair, hazel eyes that could tell stories you wouldn't believe. She had a very loving heart and ran a tight ship when it called for it. She made time for everyone, even him, Hell no one even bothered coming up to the cockpit unless they were on duty or needed something.
Pulling his knees closer to his chest to block out the pain he'd been inflicting on himself. He thought back to Kaidan's reaction when he found out, rubbing his cheek, he was surprised his jaw wasn't broken with the sheer force. Tears' streaming down his face, Kaidan was an emotional wreck. But he wouldn't even hear him out, no one would.
His breathing slowed as he watched the stars sparkle in the midnight dark sky. Tears started slowly falling down his own cheeks, feeling comfort from them he left them to form unbroken trails down his cheeks, "Shows I still have feeling" he thought to himself.
The room grew cold and lonely pulling the sheets up to his neck he gently lied back on the bed and allowed his mind to wonder, but not too far. She wouldn't of wanted him to be like this, blaming himself, allowing this regret and grief to take over his life. Rolling on to his side he closed his eyes, pulling the sheet ever closer, he whispered "I loved you Shepard" before entering a dreamless slumber.