Title : Dance. Drum.

Disclaimer : I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.

Rating : T

Genre : Humour/Family

Warnings : Yaoi, mild

Pairing : Kijin/Reishin, Shuei/Koyu

Summary : Reishin is pressurized to perform a seductive dance.

Time-fit : After Reishin's Spy.

italics = thoughts; bold= flashback

Reishin glared at the circle of men surrounding him.
"Are you three ganging up against me?"

Kijin chuckled, Shuei grinned, and Koyu blushed.

"Why, Kijin? You can get to see it anytime!"

"Seeing it in the company of other men is ... a new experience."

Reishin's cheeks turned pink.
"You pervert."

Kijin laughed.
"It's not like I'm asking you to go all the way, Dumpling."

"And you, Shuei, why would you want to see ..."
Reishin's voice trailed off at his son's lover's pervy grin and wriggling brows.
"Never mind, I don't want to hear the answer!"

Reishin turned to confront the red-faced Koyu.
"YOU, Koyu? What did I ever do to deserve a son that wants to watch his father do a striptease dance?"

Koyu, his large pale grey eyes wide, stuttered,
"I ... I'm not ... I'm sorry, Lord Reishin. It's just that Shuei says ... thinks I'm hopeless ..."

Reishin's eyes narrowed.
"Hopeless? At what exactly? What does that pervert expect you to do?"

Koyu shook his head vehemently.
"Nothing! I just thought I might learn something from watching you, Lord Reishin!"

Reishin stared in disbelief at the agitated young man before him. He had to remind himself that that was his adopted son - the uptight, socially awkward, oftentimes physically uncoordinated, and perpetually bad-tempered Li Koyu; who, in spite of growing up in a liberal environment, ended up being the most prudish person in Reishin's circle of acquaintances.
And he would learn to strip-dance?

Shuei sidled up to Koyu, burying his face in Koyu's mop of hair.
"All this ... just to please this pervert?"

Koyu growled.
"And which other pervert would I want to please?"

Laughing, Shuei swept aside Koyu's bangs.
"You always please me, Koyu, right down to your failed seductions!"

Reishin interrupted.
"Define 'failed', Shuei."

Kijin stepped in with the explanation.
"When Shuei gets deflated from laughing too hard!"

"And how would YOU know that, Kijin? Oh my god! Now I see it! You steered the conversation to my dance! You orchestrated the whole thing!"

Reishin took a deep breath.
"Ko Kijin, if you ever hope to see that dance again, I suggest you start explaining."

[Flashback]

"You wanted to see me, Lord Kijin?"

"Ah yes. Sit down, Shuei."

Kijin waited for Shuei to be properly seated.
"Are you experiencing erectile issues, Shuei?"

Behind his wooden mask, Kijin watched with evil glee as the usually suave General Ran struggled to regain control of his aristocratic features.

"Whaaaaat? Why?"
Shuei croaked.

"I take it that's a NO?"

Shuei nodded wordlessly.

"Good. Now, what in heavens' name possessed Koyu to attempt such a performance last night?"

"Last night? Were you spying on us last night, Lord Kijin? I wasn't aware of your presence."

"No. You were preoccupied."
Kijin chuckled.
"With maintaining your hard-on."

Shuei blushed, almost giggling in his embarrassment.
"Was it that obvious, Lord Kijin? Even from your vantage point on my roof?"

Kijin nodded.
"I commend you on your valiant effort, Shuei, in the face of Koyu's excruciating performance!"

"uh ... thank you?"
Shuei grinned ruefully, his brows turning down.

"Want to tell me what's going on, Shuei? I couldn't hear the conversation, of course. But judging by Koyu's death-glare when you, and your erection, collapsed, my guess is that last night wasn't the first time."

Laughing, Shuei shook his head.
"No, not the first time. Pity me, Lord Kijin! Four days without sex! And until Koyu gets over this obsession, or until I stop deflating, I won't be getting any!"

"How on earth did this even start?"

"We were making out. Koyu suddenly had a glint in his eyes. He stopped me from undressing him. He did his thing. I pissed in my pants."

Kijin burst out laughing.
"THAT, is surely not the type of pants-wetting Koyu was aiming for! Alright, now I see it. Your unfortunate accident would be just the sort of thing that would trigger off Koyu's perfectionist and obsessive nature."

"Any ideas, Lord Kijin?"

Reishin absorbed the information in silence, his hooded eyes taking in the mortified Koyu, the hapless Shuei, and ... his irritating lover!
Why couldn't he just ask me in private?
I detest being put in a spot.

"Of course I will dance, if Kijin will accompany me on the drum."

Kijin started.
"Reishin!"

Reishin turned to smile sweetly at his lover.
"Yes?"

"That's too personal."

"Really? Any more so than asking me to gyrate and thrust?"

Favouring Kijin with a side-long glare, Reishin turned to address Shuei and Koyu.
"Our dance-and-drum routine is lifted directly from a pornographic picture-book Kijin read in his pubescent years. At a certain temple, the test for monk-candidates goes thus: The candidates sit in a large circle, each with a small drum placed strategically against his crotch. Within the circle, beautiful women dance erotically. Candidates are disqualified the moment the abbot detects a drumming coming from their direction."

Reishin paused for effect.
"Kijin's enthusiastic drumroll eggs me on in my dance."

Koyu, mouth agape, stared unblinkingly at his father.

"Too much for you, Koyu? Good. What's with you, anyway? First it was a dimsum chef, then a travelling fortune-teller. Now you aspire to be an erotic dancer! Now will you stop this obsessive nonsense, and have proper sex with Shuei?"

Putting an arm around Koyu's shoulders, Shuei cut in.
"It's alright, Lord Reishin, improper sex is fine with me."

Reishin rolled his eyes.
"Fine! I get it! I'll stop bullying your precious Koyu!"

"It's no harm teaching Koyu some moves, Dumpl ..."
Kijin stopped short at the sight of his simmering ball of dough.

"I haven't even started with you yet, drum-stick."

The sound that Kijin emitted was somewhere between a bark and a cough.

Shuei slipped his hand into Koyu's, giving it a slight tug.
"Lord Reishin, Lord Kijin, we'll be taking our leave now."

"Wait. Koyu, why is this important to you?"
Reishin lifted Koyu's chin with his fan.

Koyu blushed, averted his eyes, and mumbled,
"I just want to know what it feels like to be seductive."

Reishin half-smiled.
"I see. Very well, then. You, Kijin, teach Shuei how to position the drum. And you, Koyu, come with me to the guestroom. I swear, on whatever honour I possess, that the Ran Manor shall resonate with Shuei's drumroll tonight!"

[[Scene Break]]

On a roof of the Ran manor, two black-clad figures sat, arms around each other's waists, silhouetted against the night sky. The slighter figure twisted around and buried his face in the other's chest.

"I can't watch!"

The chest rumbled against Reishin's blushing face.

"Now you know, Dumpling, what you force me to go through, making me spy on them every so often. Look at you, cringing just at the sight of Shuei's hands groping ..."

Two fists pummelled the broad chest.
"Stop it! I don't want a running commentary either!"

Chuckling, Kijin asked,
"Then why are you here, Dumpling?"

"Stop teasing me! Just let me know when Koyu starts his dance."

"Alright."
Kijin stroked the head resting on his chest absently, keeping one eye on the scene in the lighted bedroom across the courtyard.
"Reishin ..."

"Hmmm?"

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you. When you first made me spy on them, I humoured you, even though I thought it was uncalled for, and really really weird. Not to mention over-protective and paranoid."

Reishin lifted his face.
"And now?"

Kijin, his fair naked face glowing in the moonlight, grinned.
"Now I think it's uncalled for, weird, over-protective and paranoid."

"You big idiot! So what is your point?"

Kijin laughed.
"The point is, ever since it all came out in the open that Koyu and Shuei were aware that I occasionally sit on their roof, and didn't make any objection, I feel a lot better about this spying thing."

Smiling, Reishin mused.
"Indeed. I was holding my breath, waiting for Koyu to hit the roof!"

"Well, he did send Shuei up this roof, to lay down some ground rules."

"What?"
Reishin pulled back a little to stare at Kijin.
"What rules?"

"Hand signals, really. Shuei is usually aware, within a few minutes of my arrival, that they are being watched. They had spoken about this, and Koyu had chosen not to be told. He leaves it to Shuei's discretion, to decide on the limits. I like this arrangement. It means I just wait for the sign."

Kijin lifted his right hand, made a fist, and popped his middle finger straight out.
"See this sign?"

Reishin's brows rose.
"He tells you WHEN he's going to penetrate? Good lord!"

"Of course not! Don't you recognize the 'fuck-off' sign? Really, Dumpling, sometimes I wonder how you ..."

"How I what? Why are you staring at me?"

"How you can still look sexy, in clothes so dark I can't even see your cute figure against the night sky, and with your hair all pulled back, exposing your face to the minutest scrutiny."

The exposed face stared, blinked, then hinted at a smile.
"Are you complimenting me? I can't really tell."

Kijin laughed.
"I'm sorry, Dumpling. I did tell you, ten years ago, that I can't manage extravagant compliments! Let me try again: you don't need to dance, or gyrate, or thrust, or do anything at all, to be seductive ... all you have to do is b-r-e-a-t-h-e!"

And breathe Reishin did. His breath quickened to the extent that he felt faint.
"Kijin ..."
Reishin placed his hand on Kijin's neck and drew him closer.

Kijin whispered against Reishin's lips.
"Koyu has started dancing."

"Oh, I hate you, Ko Kijin! Why did you have to choose this moment to come up with the best compliment in eighteen years!"

"We could forget about watching Koyu dance?"

"No! It's important to Koyu, and I want to witness his moment."

They settled down to watch.

Kijin slipped his arm around Reishin's waist.
"Best compliment, you said? So I finally pass?"

"Mmm-mm. It was clumsy, but nonetheless effective. You pass. Now shut up, I want to watch the dance."

Reishin's "dance" was really very much impromptu; he moved with the flow of his emotions. But in coaching the inhibited Koyu, Reishin had to choreograph a fixed routine, and drill the steps relentlessly.

Kijin started off watching Koyu, but ended up watching Reishin watch Koyu. It made him smile.

"... arch that back, just a little more ... perfect angle! ... spin, spin, alright, thrust! yes! ... oh! my! god!"

Taking his eyes off Reishin, Kijin looked to see what had given rise to Reishin's exclamation. He laughed.
"Wow indeed! That's some magnificent tenting! But it really shouldn't surprise you, Reishin. We all know Koyu's anatomy is legendary in the civil service lavatories."

"What? NO! I meant, Koyu's improvising! And it's ... beautiful! Damn, we're too far to hear! Has the drumroll started yet?"

They both turned their attention to Shuei. Just in time to see Shuei pull the broken drum off and discard it.

"Oh, oh! Kijin! He perforated the leather!"

"Time to leave, Reishin. I believe Shuei forgot to give the signal."

Kijin flew across the rooftops with his warm bundle.
"Will you dance for me tonight, my Dumpling?"

Reishin smiled lazily.
"Of course ... drum-stick."

They both laughed. A new nickname, born out of irritation, had somehow mellowed into something warm and sexy.

Adjusting his load carefully, Kijin whispered hoarsely.
"Feel that? Keep calling me that, and I swear I'll pierce that drum tonight!"

[The End]

NOTES:

(1) I DIDN'T invent the dance/drum/perforation thingy! My sis related this Hong Kong soft-porn flick to me. The protagonist was the only monk-candidate that didn't sound the drum. The abbot was very pleased - until the little drum was removed, and the leather found to be perforated. I can't ascertain the truth or otherwise of such a test; I don't possess a drum . . . or a drum-stick, for that matter! ^^;

(2) Recognize the references to Koyu's "career choices"? ^_^ In the anime Season 1, episode 15, Koyu asked Reishin, "What would you do if I were to become a dimsum chef? Or a travelling fortune-teller?"

(3) The story on Koyu and Shuei finding out about Kijin spying on them is told in Reishin's Spy.