It scares me sometimes.. this force inside me...
I can feel it like a second layer beneath my skin. It clings just below the surface; racing though out my body in an endless loop.
It charges me, it empowers me. It grants a sharpness and crispness like no other living soul can fathom. I gain a smoothness; a fluidity to my whole body. I gain grace; I gain poise; I gain a strength and confidence beyond that of my old fragile self. I know and see and understand more around me, and I can smell the life; I can see the heat; I can feel the warmth of the sheer aliveness of those around me... and then the need rises.
The aching longing to feel complete with this second self... to meld the two into one perfect union.. to feel the pleasure of the union; to feel the perfection of the union; to feel whole; sated; complete... But this solace does not come cheaply- it demands a price...It demands it's dues and it will do whatever it must to fulfill it's need.
It is my Beast; my Hunger... It is alive as I am alive and it is ruthless... a force of nature and therefore, in and of itself, not evil..
But.
Being of nature, it knows nothing of morality. It knows nothing of "right" and "wrong". It only knows it's drive to feed; to sate it's need; to survive at all cost... And it is so very strong. It courses though me, violating my very veins, whispering it's wants to me. It sings in my soul sweet promises of pleasure and power. It knows what I secretly long for, and it teases me with these very things until I give in... until I can not postpone the next 'high' a moment longer. Until I find my teeth clamped onto living flesh and in a second of sheer horror, I realize I have done it again.
I have surrendered; I have brought pain and harm with my need and I have lost the never-ending battle one more time... But this shame is so fleeting, so washed away in the glory of the taste.. the power... I've wanted it for so long and I can no longer function as two separate entities, but mesh into one greedy instinct.
Another battle begins
The battle to regain control; to stop; to cease... To take enough to fill me, but not so much as to harm the donor. It is a fine and dangerous line, and it becomes the war of instinct vs. value...
I must remember who I am beyond this; what I believe; what I hold dear. That this life is not mine to do with as I want; that I am not immune to law and morals. That this human is not an unfeeling creature; that this is not a disposable resource... This is a human life and it is precious, and it is worthy of living... and so I must stop... I must break the spell and again take rise over this never-ending Thirst.
And the last battle rages later, when I am again filled with life, when the world is again new and perfect. When I am strong, alive...
Powerful.
I battle my weakness. I battle myself and my guilt for letting the need win again. I battle the endless cycle of it all as I know this perfection will not last. It is fleeting and soon, I do it all again...
I will die a thousand deaths this way, and I will forever search for that completion I touch for a moment... But I will never hold it. It is an addiction far more greedy and demanding than any drug. It is a pain and hurt a thousand times as sharp as any other, and it is forever mine to have, forever mine to fight in futile fits.
In the end, it will always win. I am it's slave and I will never break free...
It scares me sometimes.. It can be such a force of hurt; a force of pain. It is strong and it always wins...