I debated posting this. I don't know how true to the Ranmaverse it could be. I don't think it's entirely off base. A person who was raised as Ranma was raised wouldn't have an easy time dealing with emotions like he was going to have to face. He's a good-hearted person, but even they screw up beyond belief sometimes. While it's not off base, I do think that it's a bit exaggerated.
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Fury
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I'd never seen her so mad.
I'd seen her lose her temper and heard her say mean things--to me most often, but never—never--had I seen her angry. I'm talking gut level fury. The kind of anger that doesn't go away with a kind word or a clumsy apology.
I nearly shit myself.
It sounds funny, and someone else might be ashamed to admit it, but if you had been standing there and seen the hate in her eyes, you wouldn't dare laugh, and you sure as hell wouldn't be ashamed to admit it.
And the worst part of it is that I deserved it.
The most sickening part is that the worst she did was give me that look. She didn't do anything. She just looked at me the anger in her gaze mixing with sadness. Then she turned around and walked away. That's the last memory I have of her.
I still don't understand it.
If it had been me walking in on her, both of them would have been dead. Or something close to it.
But not with her. With as angry as she was, I expected it. I expected that at any second she would strike, and I'd see my head go rolling down my stomach and out across the floor trailing blood, but it didn't happen that way.
Yeah, Akane walked in on me with Shampoo.
"So?" you say.
"So," I reply. "I didn't pick Shampoo. I picked Akane."
Yeah, I told Akane that I loved her, that I'd always loved her, that she was the only girl for me. I spilled my guts to her. You should have seen the joy on her face. I was in heaven.
I still don't know what was going on in my head.
I was laying there on my futon that night, and, suddenly, everything my father ever said to me came rushing back. Everything about women being weak and weakening you. Everything about not being vulnerable, not showing your weaknesses. And suddenly I realized that if I married Akane, I would be doing exactly that. I'd be vulnerable to her. She'd know everything about me, every weakness, every soft spot, everything.
It scared the hell out of me.
I didn't know how to be vulnerable. I didn't even know how to approach the idea that I could be vulnerable. I grew up with a man who spent ten years willingly away from his wife, who had no idea how to be vulnerable, who had no idea how to be something other than what he was. As a result, I didn't know. I couldn't even think about it.
I tried to sleep. I tried anything and everything. I kept having nightmares and visions of Akane exploiting my weaknesses, of Akane breaking me down. I knew mentally that she would never do that. I knew logically that she'd protect every one of my weaknesses, but I couldn't get the visions to leave.
So, I turned to my up bringing.
I ran.
I ran straight to the Nekohanten, straight to Shampoo.
I learned later that Mousse had called Akane, told her there was something she needed to see. At first, I was pissed at him, demanding to know why he had done that. He was about as angry as Akane. He turned on me and started yelling about how I had what he wanted. He yelled that Akane loved me and I had betrayed her and what the hell did I think I was going to do? Have fun off of Shampoo, abuse Akane's trust, and get away with it? He kept yelling that I was the scum of the earth. By that point, I couldn't yell back. He yelled something else, but I couldn't hear. I kept seeing Akane's eyes.
I couldn't cry. I just collapsed.
I woke up in Shampoo's bed. Her smell sickened me, and I vomited over the edge of her mattress. It wasn't just her smell; it was my smell too.
I was wiping the vomit from my lips with the back of my hand when Shampoo showed up. She made a soft noise and began to clean up my mess. She reached out to help me but I pulled back from her touch. Mousse's words, Akane's eyes, that damn scent; it all came rushing in on me. I pushed her away from me and fled.
I ran for a week stopping to collapse only in complete exhaustion. Anything less gave me horrible nightmares. In each and every one of them Akane died, the last image burned into her mind my betrayal. When I did have them, I would force myself to finish them, would force myself to stay asleep. Other than that, I tried not to dream.
At some point Shampoo caught up with me. She demanded to know why I left. For the second time in my life, I spilled my guts to someone else. The hurt and the hate in her eyes was nothing compared to Akane's.
Or maybe it was that I didn't care by that point.
Later, much later, I ran into Cologne. I didn't recognize her, but she recognized me. Didn't say anything at first. Just sat up on her staff and stared at me. The first thing out of her mouth was that I looked like a ghost.
I'd stopped bathing. I ate only enough to stay alive and was constantly hungry. I couldn't remember the last time I had changed.
The next thing out of her mouth was that I was as cold as ice. That one took me by surprise. I asked her what she meant.
I'd been living off of the Soul of Ice for almost ten years.
Two things in that startled and scared me. One was the Soul of Ice. The other was that I'd lost ten years--and I didn't know it.
I asked her what happened to Akane. She regarded me silently. Her answer was what brought me to this place, what is making me write this down.
After Akane left the Nekohanten, she fled Nerima as I had. Eventually, she got lost. Somewhere she was kidnapped by a group of men. For three weeks, she was gang raped almost hourly. One of those times got her pregnant. She wandered around afterwards, malnourished and delirious. She was half-mad when Cologne found her, and her stomach was just starting to swell. Cologne took her in. Almost weekly she attempted to kill herself and the child she bore. Eventually, she gave birth. It nearly killed her. The child was stillborn.
Afterwards, she slowly began to get better. No man could go near her. She only talked to Cologne. She only recognized Cologne.
And Mousse.
That was what really stuck with Cologne. Akane allowed Mousse near her. She talked to Mousse. She doted on Mousse. Mousse told Cologne that somehow, his telling her of me and Shampoo got mixed up with her torture, and he became something of a savior to her. Somehow, she fell in love with him.
Not romantic love. But something like agape love, only slightly twisted. She would do anything for Mousse.
Mousse was the one that really helped her. He was the one that was with her until the end.
See, while she seemed to be more coherent, she was becoming more and more depressed. Her suicide attempts began again. Only this time they were far more violent and dangerous.
She succeeded eventually. Mousse didn't get to her in time to save her. He got there in time to hear her last words though. Cologne said she kept asking me why.
Why, Ranma, why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I wish to God that I did. I wish to God that I could go back. I wish I could undo it all. I wish Akane was still alive and breathing, warm in her husband's arms, warm in her bed, her love, her family, her security. I wish that I had been stronger, that I had been better, smarter, anything but what I was. I wish I hadn't found out about Akane the way I did. I wish--
Oh, hell. I don't know what I wish anymore.
No, I do, actually. I wish I were with Akane.
The thing about that wish, different from all the others, is that that one can happen. That one isn't impossible.
There are so many ways to achieve it.
My way is the most painful.
If I release the Soul of Ice, ten years of pain and misery and God knows what else will flood me at once. I'll feel all of it and my system will go into shock and it'll kill me.
So, two in one.
I get to know what it was like for Akane, how much pain she went through, and I get to see her again.
I get to see her and beg her forgiveness.
If I'm lucky she won't hate me.
If I'm lucky...but when have I ever been lucky?
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http://www.geocities.com/frankie_anne
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Fury
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I'd never seen her so mad.
I'd seen her lose her temper and heard her say mean things--to me most often, but never—never--had I seen her angry. I'm talking gut level fury. The kind of anger that doesn't go away with a kind word or a clumsy apology.
I nearly shit myself.
It sounds funny, and someone else might be ashamed to admit it, but if you had been standing there and seen the hate in her eyes, you wouldn't dare laugh, and you sure as hell wouldn't be ashamed to admit it.
And the worst part of it is that I deserved it.
The most sickening part is that the worst she did was give me that look. She didn't do anything. She just looked at me the anger in her gaze mixing with sadness. Then she turned around and walked away. That's the last memory I have of her.
I still don't understand it.
If it had been me walking in on her, both of them would have been dead. Or something close to it.
But not with her. With as angry as she was, I expected it. I expected that at any second she would strike, and I'd see my head go rolling down my stomach and out across the floor trailing blood, but it didn't happen that way.
Yeah, Akane walked in on me with Shampoo.
"So?" you say.
"So," I reply. "I didn't pick Shampoo. I picked Akane."
Yeah, I told Akane that I loved her, that I'd always loved her, that she was the only girl for me. I spilled my guts to her. You should have seen the joy on her face. I was in heaven.
I still don't know what was going on in my head.
I was laying there on my futon that night, and, suddenly, everything my father ever said to me came rushing back. Everything about women being weak and weakening you. Everything about not being vulnerable, not showing your weaknesses. And suddenly I realized that if I married Akane, I would be doing exactly that. I'd be vulnerable to her. She'd know everything about me, every weakness, every soft spot, everything.
It scared the hell out of me.
I didn't know how to be vulnerable. I didn't even know how to approach the idea that I could be vulnerable. I grew up with a man who spent ten years willingly away from his wife, who had no idea how to be vulnerable, who had no idea how to be something other than what he was. As a result, I didn't know. I couldn't even think about it.
I tried to sleep. I tried anything and everything. I kept having nightmares and visions of Akane exploiting my weaknesses, of Akane breaking me down. I knew mentally that she would never do that. I knew logically that she'd protect every one of my weaknesses, but I couldn't get the visions to leave.
So, I turned to my up bringing.
I ran.
I ran straight to the Nekohanten, straight to Shampoo.
I learned later that Mousse had called Akane, told her there was something she needed to see. At first, I was pissed at him, demanding to know why he had done that. He was about as angry as Akane. He turned on me and started yelling about how I had what he wanted. He yelled that Akane loved me and I had betrayed her and what the hell did I think I was going to do? Have fun off of Shampoo, abuse Akane's trust, and get away with it? He kept yelling that I was the scum of the earth. By that point, I couldn't yell back. He yelled something else, but I couldn't hear. I kept seeing Akane's eyes.
I couldn't cry. I just collapsed.
I woke up in Shampoo's bed. Her smell sickened me, and I vomited over the edge of her mattress. It wasn't just her smell; it was my smell too.
I was wiping the vomit from my lips with the back of my hand when Shampoo showed up. She made a soft noise and began to clean up my mess. She reached out to help me but I pulled back from her touch. Mousse's words, Akane's eyes, that damn scent; it all came rushing in on me. I pushed her away from me and fled.
I ran for a week stopping to collapse only in complete exhaustion. Anything less gave me horrible nightmares. In each and every one of them Akane died, the last image burned into her mind my betrayal. When I did have them, I would force myself to finish them, would force myself to stay asleep. Other than that, I tried not to dream.
At some point Shampoo caught up with me. She demanded to know why I left. For the second time in my life, I spilled my guts to someone else. The hurt and the hate in her eyes was nothing compared to Akane's.
Or maybe it was that I didn't care by that point.
Later, much later, I ran into Cologne. I didn't recognize her, but she recognized me. Didn't say anything at first. Just sat up on her staff and stared at me. The first thing out of her mouth was that I looked like a ghost.
I'd stopped bathing. I ate only enough to stay alive and was constantly hungry. I couldn't remember the last time I had changed.
The next thing out of her mouth was that I was as cold as ice. That one took me by surprise. I asked her what she meant.
I'd been living off of the Soul of Ice for almost ten years.
Two things in that startled and scared me. One was the Soul of Ice. The other was that I'd lost ten years--and I didn't know it.
I asked her what happened to Akane. She regarded me silently. Her answer was what brought me to this place, what is making me write this down.
After Akane left the Nekohanten, she fled Nerima as I had. Eventually, she got lost. Somewhere she was kidnapped by a group of men. For three weeks, she was gang raped almost hourly. One of those times got her pregnant. She wandered around afterwards, malnourished and delirious. She was half-mad when Cologne found her, and her stomach was just starting to swell. Cologne took her in. Almost weekly she attempted to kill herself and the child she bore. Eventually, she gave birth. It nearly killed her. The child was stillborn.
Afterwards, she slowly began to get better. No man could go near her. She only talked to Cologne. She only recognized Cologne.
And Mousse.
That was what really stuck with Cologne. Akane allowed Mousse near her. She talked to Mousse. She doted on Mousse. Mousse told Cologne that somehow, his telling her of me and Shampoo got mixed up with her torture, and he became something of a savior to her. Somehow, she fell in love with him.
Not romantic love. But something like agape love, only slightly twisted. She would do anything for Mousse.
Mousse was the one that really helped her. He was the one that was with her until the end.
See, while she seemed to be more coherent, she was becoming more and more depressed. Her suicide attempts began again. Only this time they were far more violent and dangerous.
She succeeded eventually. Mousse didn't get to her in time to save her. He got there in time to hear her last words though. Cologne said she kept asking me why.
Why, Ranma, why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I wish to God that I did. I wish to God that I could go back. I wish I could undo it all. I wish Akane was still alive and breathing, warm in her husband's arms, warm in her bed, her love, her family, her security. I wish that I had been stronger, that I had been better, smarter, anything but what I was. I wish I hadn't found out about Akane the way I did. I wish--
Oh, hell. I don't know what I wish anymore.
No, I do, actually. I wish I were with Akane.
The thing about that wish, different from all the others, is that that one can happen. That one isn't impossible.
There are so many ways to achieve it.
My way is the most painful.
If I release the Soul of Ice, ten years of pain and misery and God knows what else will flood me at once. I'll feel all of it and my system will go into shock and it'll kill me.
So, two in one.
I get to know what it was like for Akane, how much pain she went through, and I get to see her again.
I get to see her and beg her forgiveness.
If I'm lucky she won't hate me.
If I'm lucky...but when have I ever been lucky?
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http://www.geocities.com/frankie_anne