You Can't Help Who You Fall In Love With

J.D. Toulouse

Author's note,

Summary: 'You are not a shy girl, nor do you care what others think of you, but when it comes to this you can't seem to find words to explain it.' Brittana one-shot with focus on Brittany's feelings and thoughts during her journey towards accepting her own sexuality.

Rated T for language and sexual references. The story will contain spoilers from the first two seasons of Glee.

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee nor do I own any of its characters. All rights belong to the creators of the show.

End of author's note, but don't forget to let me know what you think of the story. Enjoy!

The first day at William McKinley High you enter the main building with a confident smile on your lips and your head held high. You are convinced that these four years will be just as fun as the ones you spent at your last school. You're optimistic by nature and people often say that you're a lively character full of glee.

As proposed by one of your childhood friends you try out for the Cheerios, apparently that's what the school calls their cheerleading squad. You had spent weeks wondering why all the other students kept talking about your favorite cereals all day until your friend took you to the try out.

You make the team, but to be honest that's not really a big surprise to you. You've spent almost your entire life practicing everything from street dance to ballet so you know how to move your body. There are two more girls that get accepted onto the squad during the same try out as you and you quickly make friends with them. They are the only other freshmen and they are both in the same Spanish class as you so you suppose it's only natural that you connect so well with them.

Quinn Fabray becomes sort of like a mentor for you, even though you are the same age. She is Coach Sylvester's new favorite and the first student at McKinley High to ever be promoted to assistant captain during their freshmen year. Despite the fact that people calls her a bitch you find her sweet. She is nice to you and always has your back whenever Coach Sylvester has one of her many outbursts of anger.

Santana Lopez is Quinn's best friend and at first the fiery Latina scares you a little. Her attitude, the sharp tongue and the constant threat to 'go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your ass' if you ever upset her make you keep a little distance to her in the beginning. After a while you discover that she actually has a human side too, one you actually get really fond of, but you don't admit that to anyone, especially not Santana.

By the time you go to cheerleading camp, during the break between freshmen and sophomore year, you have become one of the most popular students at the school, mostly thanks to Quinn, and boys are practically lining up to ask you out. You end up losing your virginity at the end of the summer. It is to some guy on the football team whose name you can't remember. He is a year or two older than you, super cute and quite popular, but it doesn't feel special, in fact you feet nothing. You figure it's because you never really liked him and therefore you break up with him after only three days of dating.

Quinn, Santana and you have become super tight by now and you have weekly sleepovers at Quinn's house where you talk about boys and cheerleading and school, but mostly boys, because your friend Quinn, since the beginning of sophomor year promoted head cheerleader, is having boyfriend trouble.

So you join Glee Club together, even though the kids in Glee lie in the subbasement on the school's caste system while the three of you belong up in the luxurious penthouse. You join partially because you want to help Quinn keep any eye on her quarterback boyfriend and partially because Coach Sylvester is forcing you to spy on the Glee Club coach William Schuester.

Later, during one of those weekly sleepovers, you finally gather courage enough to talk to Quinn and Santana about your 'first time'. The Latina, who you no longer are afraid of, tells you that the first time 'kind of sucks' for everyone and she pats you reassuringly on the knee while Quinn points out, in a matter-of-fact tone, that God will punish you for your bad deeds one day.

The devoted Christian is the one that ends up being punished though. And apparently you are the first person she talks to after she finds out about her unexpected pregnancy and you are, to say the least, a little shocked to find out that Noah Puckerman is the father. Quinn Fabray, president of the Celibacy Club, isn't exactly the one you imagine would sleep with someone, let alone a guy that's not her boyfriend, Finn Hudson, before marriage.

It doesn't take long before the news has reached everyone at the school and Quinn gets kicked off the cheerleading squad. Santana is promoted to captain and the two of you grow closer than ever. You start having sleepovers without Quinn, partially because her father has kicked her out of their house and she's currently living with the Puckermans and partially because you like the alone-time with your new Cheerios captain.

You catch yourself picturing her in a tiny little red bikini one morning. Her Cheerios skirt is riding a little higher than usual, showing olive colored skin smoother than velvet, and even though you know it is because she just got out of the boys' bathroom with Noah Puckerman in tow, his zipper only halfway pulled up, you cannot help but find it a little exciting.

She notices you're looking at her and she gives you a little wink. It confuses you because you know she's very hot-tempered and that her natural reaction would be to slap you across the face. She doesn't treat you like she treats others though and it make you feel good.

Her name is on your mind for the rest of second period and at lunch she sits down by your table and carelessly steals a French fry from your plate. You smile at her and she asks if you are going to Dave Karofsky's party on Friday night, which you of course are. Everyone that is something will be there and some Asian dude from the football team—you don't remember his name but you think it's the same Asian guy that recently joined Glee Club—has asked you to come with him. You've found out that he is an awesome dancer so you agree to go with him just because of that.

You never mean for it to happen – it just does. She says it's the alcohol, but you know better.

It is at the party at Dave Karofsky's place. She is lying on top of you on the couch in one of the rooms at the back of the house and her full lips are gracing the soft skin at the crook of your neck. That funny feeling in your lower abdomen that you've been experiencing more frequently during the last couple of month, ever since she nonchalantly pecked you on the cheek after dropping you off at your house after a late movie, is driving you to the verge of crazy.

You pry your eyes open when you realize that she has seized nuzzling your neck. Your skin is still tingling where she has touched you. Her breathing is as shallow as yours when you lock your eyes with her wild and dark ones. She flickers her gaze between your eyes and where your slender hand has dipped under her tight low-cut tank top and you are pretty sure she is going to freak out and slap you across the room, because you're kneading her perfectly shaped breast.

But she doesn't do that. Instead she leans down and presses her soft full lips to yours and it's like you've died and woken up in paradise. It's perfect! Unfortunately, the kiss doesn't last long and when it ends you suddenly miss tasting her on you. She's like a drug.

The next day in school you don't tell anyone, not even Quinn, even though she's probably you best friend. Santana and you don't talk about it either because there's really nothing to talk about. She made quite sure to you that it meant nothing to her and then that's that. She's sleeping with Puck and you're sleeping with . . . everyone else. You've got a reputation to look after.

You begin to question your actual feeling towards her first after you've made love to her for the first time. Because this is the only time with anyone where you haven't felt like it was forced and it confuses you.

She says she's with you only because Puck's in Juvie and that she needs something warm beneath her or she can't digest her food, but the way she refuses to meet your blue eyes when she says this make you wonder if that's the whole truth. Nevertheless, her words hurt you and in an attempt to make her jealous—because you sense that she might have developed something more than just friendly feelings for you—you sleep with Artie. However, it only makes you more certain about your feelings for Santana.

You start saying things like 'if sex were dating Santana and I would be dating' because you want people to pick up on it. You want them to figure out on their own because that means you won't have to tell them. Or at least they can give you a supportive smile and say 'we already know, Brittany' when you finally gather courage enough to tell them.

Your friends aren't stupid. Especially not Quinn, if anything she is one of the brightest people at your school and she's got the straight A's to prove it. So it doesn't really surprise you when she takes you aside after cheerleading practice one unusually rainy October afternoon and says that you two need to have a talk.

At first though you're a little confused because you associate the phrase 'we need to talk' with romantic feelings and trouble in paradise and all that—thanks to all cheezy romantic comedies you've seen—and as far as you know your blonde cheerleading captain has never insinuated that she may have developed feelings for someone of the same sex. Last you checked she was dating that cute new guy from Tennessee, him with the smooth blonde hair and the full lips that Santana always makes fun of.

When Quinn pulls you with her to the bleachers by the football field and tells you that she isn't blind you finally understand what she is referring to. You nod slowly while you're trying to brace yourself for what's to come. Her father was opposed to anything other than male-female romantic relationships and you know that he raised her after his beliefs.

You squirm a little when she asks you whether you have feelings for someone on the squad, partially because you're still not sure about your actual feelings and partially because you are terrified of admitting them. Even though people think you are stupid, you're not blind. You've seen how Karofsky and Azimio have treated Kurt and you don't want that.

When you hesitate to respond she gives you a lopsided smile and tells you that you don't have to answer. "Your hesitation speaks loud enough" she explains and it makes you release the breath you didn't know you were holding.

Then she continues by saying that she doesn't judge you and that she promises to not tell anyone, because you didn't tell anyone when she came to you about advise on how to do when she got pregnant last year. You almost want to cry then, because you're so relieved to find that you have at least someone who understands you. She smiles at you and motions for you to step into her open arms and you gladly obey, thinking that 'this might not be so bad after all'.

Your mother doesn't freak out when you tell her. Truth be told you haven't really expected her to do that either. Instead she just sits there on the kitchen chair you asked her to sit down on. Her big and bright blue eyes, the same ones you were born with, just stare at you for a few torturously long seconds. For a moment you ponder whether it is possible that she has had a heart attack. You have never seen anyone have one so you have no idea what they look like, but you have heard that people can get them after receiving very shocking news and you guess that this may classify as shocking.

Your mother hasn't suffered from a heart attack though and you draw a deep breath in relief when she finally blinks those large eyes. She still hasn't said anything though and that scare you. Perhaps she thinks you are pulling a practical joke on her and now she is waiting for you to say that she has gotten pranked. Frankly, it wouldn't be totally unlike you to do such a thing.

But this certainly is no joke to you and it soon becomes aware that she doesn't think so either. After several failed attempts at finding something to say she raises ungracefully raises from the Windsor chair and just walks across the black and white tile floor to wrap you in her arms.

You break down right then and there. All the emotions you have kept bottled up for the last three years just pours out of you and you are shaking terribly with the heavy sobs, but your mother is there to hold you all the way through it. With the calm and reassuring voice only a mother can possess she whispers soothing words into your ear and gently kisses the top of your head. When she says that she still loves you no matter what, the last of the barriers you have built up to protect your fragile heart break down and your knees give away under you. You fall to the floor with your mother's arms still wrapped protectively around you while she lets you, her little baby girl, cry on her shoulder. She holds you like that, sitting on the floor, until you have no more tears to cry. When you eventually breaks out of her comforting embrace she strokes your cheek and says that you are her perfect little thing.

Your father is less understanding.

One week after you told your mother you decide that it is time to let your father know about your secret as well. He has always preached about the importance of being honest and after everything he has done for you throughout your childhood you reason that letting him know the truth is the least you can do for him. You just hope and pray that he will feel the same.

He has been away on another one of his many business trips and he is in a bad mood when you find him reclined in his favorite armchair in the living room. He is reading the sports segment yesterday's newspaper and you know how much he hates to be bothered when he is reading so you patiently wait until he is finished before you politely ask if he has time to talk to you - or rather, listen to you.

He nods but says that you have to make it quick because the Steelers is about to play the Jets in fifteen minutes and he hasn't been able to see a game in three weeks. You nod and promise that you will do your best but that this is important and that you would rather not wait with it. A hint or worry flashes across your fathers features, because he isn't used to seeing you this serious. The Brittany he knows is always cheerful and bubbly.

"Daddy," you say gingerly while nervously kneading the hem of your blue skirt, the one your baby sister bought you for Christmas last year, "do you remember that friend of mine I told you about before?"

Your father wrinkles his forehead deep in thought and you chuckle nervously. How is he supposed to know which one you're talking about, you talk about all of your friends with your parents. Therefore you mumble her name quietly and wait for his reaction. After a short moment he nods and says that he think he remembers her. "The Latina? Am I right, Bumblebee?" he says and you nod slowly while piercing your bottom lip with your even teeth.

Yes, the Latina.

Then you tell him about what they have taught you in school about love and honesty and all that and at the end of your confused speech your father stares at you with a perplexed look on his face and his lips slightly pursed. You're not famous for paying much attention in school so of course he is surprised and confound.

That is when you say it aloud for the first time. Because when you talked to Quinn and your mother they both cut you off and told you that they already knew before you had time to say it out loud.

"I'm in love with Santana." Your tongue feels unusually large and the words tumble over each other on their way out of your mouth, but finally you've said it! You've actually admitted you're in love with your best friend!

Your father continues to stare at you as if he cannot understand the language you're speaking. It's like you've started speaking Na'vi or something. Maybe Quinn's constant talking about how amazing her Sam is and how he can speak the Avatar language has started to affect you. But, you push the weird though away and take a deep breath.

"I'm bisexual, dad," you say and it surprises you that you don't even stutter when you say it.

The look on your fathers face is similar to the one your mother first got when you told her, but he doesn't stay quiet for nearly as long as she did. "Are, are you sure?" he stutters and it is the first time you have ever heard your father's voice quiver. For some reason it scares you a whole lot more than what him yelling at you would have. In fact you almost wish he had yelled at you.

Afraid that he may throw you out of the house if you don't answer his question you force yourself to give him a weak nod. The look on his face confuses you, even more than what you claim recipes do to you. He isn't mad, because he doesn't have those wrinkles between his eyes, but he doesn't look like he is about to embrace you like your mother did either.

It turns out you were pretty correct with your assumption. He doesn't scold you nor does he hug you. Instead he tells you that you are just confused. You are young and confused. "When you're a grown woman with a husband and two beautiful blonde daughters you will understand how silly you are being now," he mumbles before he asks you to turn on the TV before you leave the room.

You cry yourself to sleep that night, curled up into fetal position. Steps outside your bedroom door suggest that your family is aware of your emotional state, but none of them do anything to try to comfort you, not even your understanding mother. Perhaps they are too busy trying to deal with their own feelings about this to bother with yours. Or maybe they're just scared...

When people at school ask you answer that you are bi-corn or bi-curious. Curious because you believe that it is a positive word—detectives would never catch thieves or murderers if they weren't curious and Christopher Columbus would never have discovered America if he had not been curious—and corn because it is part of one of your favorite words as well as creatures, namely the unicorn. And for some reason it has kind of become a symbol for the sexual orientation that you have been so afraid to admit you belong to.

Some students let their gaze linger on you a split second longer than before, but otherwise things in school doesn't change that much for you. However, you notice the way people begin to skip their glances between Santana and you, when you walk down the hall side by side, as if they are slowly starting to connect the dots and you know that it is bothering her. She has always been a lot more self conscious and concearned with what others think of her than what you have.

You begin to receive emails from students at McKinley you've never even talked to. Most of them are positive, even supportive and most of them are sent from girls that look up to you for being open about your sexuality. Some of the mails are not so very nice though, and sadly those are the ones that tend to make the biggest impression on you. Some of them mention Santana and they call you bad names, but you never show her these emails.

It isn't easy being the only openly bisexual person at school and you can only imagine how hard a time Kurt most have had being McKinley High's only openly gay boy. But you've got supportive friends that help you through it and it means the world to you. Still, you can't allow yourself to be truly happy, because everywhere you look you see people that are fighting their true feelings and as you pass the Latina in the hall you send her a compassionate smile.

Perhaps one day she'll learn to accept who she is and maybe sometime, just maybe, the rest of the world will understand.

Author's note,

This is my first Brittana fanfic ever and I hope I didn't do terribly! It is also the first story ever in which I have used second-person narration. Usually I prefer first person narration because I find it easier to express feelings that way, but for some reason it just suited this story to use second-person narration.

I apologize for any typos or grammatical errors in the text, I'm not a native speaker of English and I'm still learning so be patient with me ;)

I would appreciate if you took a few seconds to post a little comment about what you thought of the plot, the way the characters (mainly Brittany's) thoughts and emotions where conveyed or the story as a whole. Would you like to see me post another Brittana fanfic? Thank you in advance! :)

Last but not least, I'd like to thank you so much for taking time to read this story. It means a lot!