Many thanks to my precious beta, katBelle, taking her time to help me build the story. Hope you like the story!
Living with Tsukishima was something Yamaguchi still couldn't believe. Even after almost a year of sharing the small flat together, there were times the freckled boy would wake abruptly in the early morning and rush to the next door. On these mornings, when the first rays of the sun turned the dust dancing in his room into glitter, the boy believed he was still dreaming and that Tsukishima being next door was an illusion. He would stand awkwardly at the doorstep of Tsukishima's room, not knowing what to do at first, and then slowly and cowardly put his ear to the thin wood. And each time, failing to hear any proof of something breathing inside, Yamaguchi would desperately proceed to the bathroom. A cold splash of water on his face would him to the present without any mercy, and then he'd see a toothbrush standing next to his own. It was then that the reality would start to sink in bit by bit. With each step around the flat the presence of Tsukishima would grow stronger. Yamaguchi would feel relieved when he breathed the strong aroma of Tsukishima's favourite coffee lingering in the kitchen, and his face would lit up seeing his favourite velociraptor embossed mug on the sink. He would start humming something cheerful and then dance back to his room with a glass of water in his hand to fall asleep once again, smiling.
It was still a vivid memory to Yamaguchi, the moment Tsukishima nonchalantly told him to share a flat in Tokyo together. Given that they were accepted to the same university, it was a natural thing to do for childhood friends.
"We can rent a flat together."
Yamaguchi was immersed with some dorm pampleths when Tsukishima dropped the idea out of nowhere. His face was emotionless, giving no clue to read more than he wanted to reveal, but tips of his ears were whole another story.
"Ooh, that's – that's " Yamaguchi stuttered, his mind unable to function.
Even after all those years of watching Tsukishima so close, keeping him dearer than himself, Yamaguchi did not dare to dream about such things. So the moment he heard the proposal, he had to take a deep breath to suppress butterflies coming out from his mouth.
It was a simple, ordinary and logical thing, yet for Yamaguchi - it was supernatural. Because even after becoming taller and stronger, enough that no bully out there dared to come near of him anymore, Yamaguchi was Yamaguchi. Somewhere around the heart, laid his insecurities, buds pruned off but the roots still remaining and mostly related to the matters of bond.
"I- Is it really alright for you Tsukki?" Nervous, Yamaguchi searched Tsukishima's face for any indication of something, good or bad, whatever.
The thing was that the blond always kept to himself and there were still many times Yamaguchi could not guess what was really going on his head. Like right now.
"Our parents talked about it and thought it is a good idea, as financial and –" He stopped. His gaze met with Yamaguchi's turned into something spooky. "Though if you dont want to -"
"No, no! I mean, I want! It would be really great to live together, Tsukki!"
Though they shared a road and school uniforms and a team, there were things they didn't share. Things that Tsukishima obstinately insisted on keeping inside, unopened, hidden. But the relief in his eyes, when he heard the freckled boy agreeing, - and making them a little honeyed much to the latter's pleasure-, was pretty bare to Yamaguchi.
There was an invisible shield around Tsukishima's heart, and no matter how hard the smaller boy tried, he would always hit those walls. It was only when that shield was cracked, in small, scarcely visible places, that Yamaguchi would be allowed in for a tiny moment. Like right now.
But then, didn't loving mean someone being there to fill the cracks?
The blond was his first friend, first savior, and first love. Sometimes Yamaguchi felt like he was losing his mind because of the overflowing happiness and how blessed he was to still be around of his moon. But even so, he was also struggling to decide whether this was a gift or curse. Gift because Tsukishima's breath was mingling in the air he inhaled. He could see his morning face. He could say 'I'm home' to him. He could share a dinner, watch a movie together. It was a gift. There was even the tiny bit of hope of, one day suddenly, it being alright for Yamaguchi to love Tsukishima openly. And the much tinier hope that, even if not to an equal extent, Tsukishima would reciprocate his feelings. They were things Yamaguchi dared to dream after they started to share this small world. And every single one of them was a gift.
And a curse because the closer Tsukishima was, the harder it became to suppress his desires. And there was still Tsukishima's indifference. To boys, to girls. To love. It was crushing Yamaguchi with its weight. Overall, living with Tsukishima was like walking on the thin, sharp rope. The feeling of how high he was from earth was breathtaking and the cuts under his foot were the altar for his own blood. There was no guarantee that he would not fall in the next step, yet he kept walking and walking. It was love maybe, maybe it was habit.
It was still alright -managing to live while going back and forth at the edge of happy and sad- until three months ago when he was greeted by Nekoma's former captain comfortably sitting in their living room, and kissing Tsukishima. Yamaguchi froze in the doorstep, while his heart was set on flames. He forgot how to form a sentence, how one greeted a guest- how did one greet a guest kissing a friend/secret love in their living room? On the contrary he felt like he was the guest intruding on an intimate moment. He wanted to dissolve into the air.
Later Yamaguchi would remember Kuroo laughing shamelessly while greeting him. Tsukki quickly freed himself from Kuroo's grip and muttered something like they were hanging out. Yamaguchi managed to say "Hi Kuroo" and "See you" though maybe not in that expected order before he fled to his room.
He knew Tsukishima had practiced with the Tokyo captains when they were in high school and that somehow they were on good terms - if one could say that - since then. But he never expected Tsukishima to be interested in Kuroo. But more upsetting than that was the thought that Tsukishima was romantically involved with someone and never cared to tell him. How long had they been together? Since the beginning of university? Since high school? The feeling of being left out was squeezing his heart between sharp knives. He didn't even leave his room for the bathroom.
It was later that night that Tsukishima came into his room to talk.
Not just to talk- to confess for his sins, whispered a little demon from the midst of raging hell fire in his heart.
Tsukishima's face was composed and stoic as always when he spoke. "It's been a week."
"A week-." Confusion pushed Yamaguchi into speaking. "For what?"
"Since Kuroo and I have been hanging out," Tsukishima replied evenly.
He didn't say dating, Yamaguchi noticed.
He didn't use the word dating, the demon corrected him gleefully before supplying a graphic replay of the kiss the two boys had shared in the living room. It was certainly more than just 'hanging out'.
All Yamaguchi could do to respond was gesture with movements of his head. He felt like he would vomit words otherwise. Words like 'Do you love him?', 'Does he love you?', 'I wish you told me!', 'I wish you trusted me to tell about you', and 'I wish.. I wish you knew how much I love you'. But he swallowed all of them. And each felt like rocks in his stomach.
Tsukishima did not say anymore. He didn't apologize either.
Like there was anything to apologize for idiot, said the demon. You apologize.
A shivering "Sorry Tsukki" fell from Yamaguchi's lips, just as always because, after all, he'd had no right to interrupt them. He was a little bit proud with himself though, because as a grown up, a man, he managed to fight back his tears. He even pulled off a cheerful "Good for you, Tsukki."
It felt disgusting on his lips though and tasted like venom inside his mouth.
Still, Tsukishima said nothing more.
Yamaguchi frantically imagined forcing Tsukishima's lips open and reaching for the words.
Why don't you open your mouth, say something, come on, he wanted to shout.
His mind was a whirlpool. He wanted the blond to get the fuck out of his room, out of this city, this country, along with that bedhead bastard, and leave him alone. He provided one last smile and looked at Tsukishima.
Get out, he pleaded with his eyes.
Tsukishima looked pale. His glasses fogged for a moment and he got up quickly. Yamaguchi looked down at his comforter, embarrassed suddenly at the desperate emotions that had escaped his eyes, and the words that still wanted to crawl from his throat. He waited for the sickening moment to be over, waited for Tsukishima to leave, to hear the sound of his door shutting, but instead he heard a dispassionate statement.
"Kuroo and I won't bother you anymore."
Yamaguchi didn't register the words' meaning and let them slip away along with the soft thud of the door fitting into the frame. He wanted to vanish, to go back where he came from. He'd read once in one of Tsukishima's magazines that people are all made from star stuff. It was the blond's favourite article apparently because for months it stayed open to that page until Yamaguchi decided to read it. If he was a part of them, he wanted to crawl back to the stars. He wanted to be away from this world, this atmosphere. He strangled his pillow and slept like that.
By morning came a realization. There was one thing more important than the other things. By other things, he meant things like Tsukishima not being straight, like Yamaguchi not having a chance to gather his courage and confess, like Kuroo snatching his moon away, like his moon maybe, maybe, being in love with Kuroo - really in love with Kuroo. Those things were nothing. Absolute nothing when compared to the fear of not seeing Tsukishima anymore. The possibility of him leaving to live with Kuroo, leaving him all alone, breaking him into lonely pieces. He slowly grew accustomed to the idea of Kuroo. Kuroo being with Tsukki. Kissing him whenever he wanted. Holding him in his arms. Even making love to him. Suffering but hardy, Yamaguchi accepted Kuroo being there, if only because there were worse options. Suffering and hardy, with a post-war heart, a wreck, with ruined blood all over.
It had been three months yet Yamaguchi hadn't talked to Kuroo in person. Tsukisma was perfectly arranging it so that two never met. And that made Yamaguchi more comfortable than ever. The times Yamaguchi hinted to ask about their relationship the blond always changed the topic carefully. Therefore Kuroo and Tsukishima were a mystery to him. It had only been two or three times that Yamaguchi had been in the same place with Tsukki and Kuroo, and back then the only reason for it had been a gathering of volleyball teammates. He just observed them from afar, trying to look uninterested. Based on those and his previous encounters with the former captain, Kuroo gave the impression of a good person, a little posh, more than a little self-confident and playful, cool, and vivacious. He was like one of those Greek Gods, tall, pretty and made from delight. You could believe that a single sign from him could make hundreds go to war or that one wink from him could send you to the wonderland. He was capable and he was the equal of Tsukishima. Or at least, that was what Yamaguchi made himself believe.
Sharing dinners became rare, Sunday breakfasts haphazard, quick and forced, and movie nights were replaced by Tsukki going out with Kuroo. But Yamaguchi was getting used to it. Hardy and suffering. Because Tsukki was still there. With him. And that was enough.
There were things that could accelerate the adjustment process, like filling the voids Tsukishima created with something else. Getting a much more time-consuming part-time job for instance. Being an IT student, Yamaguchi was lucky that there were many positions that he could apply. So there he was, on a super hot Friday afternoon preparing for an interview. He checked his reflection on the mirror for the last time. Since the company is a disputed one, he decided to wear a suit for a change. He wore the dinosaur patterned tie that Tsukishima bought him for a bet, that Yamaguchi would never dare to wear something like that. He wore it on the first day of the university, and it still made his heart jump with joy remembering Tsukki's pleased and not-sad-for-losing-a-bet-at-all face. It had served as his good luck charm since then. He tried to tame his bangs once more, but gave up and left his room in a satisfied mood. This would be a nice day, he thought.
"Umm, Tsukki do I look alright?" Yamaguchi stood up in front of Tsukishima, who was deeply involved with the latest issue of National Geographic.
"You're wearing a suit?" Tsukishima looked over his glasses. His eyes caught the tie and Yamaguchi didn't miss the way Tsukki's lips curled into a small smile.
"I wanted to leave a good impression!" Yamaguchi declared with excitement.
"It's not like you'll lose if you don't wear a suit," Tsukishima said adjusting his glasses. "Though it looks good on you."
"Thank you Tsukki." It was another good luck charm hearing Tsukki say that, right?
Tsukishima stood, so close that Yamaguhi's nose almost brushed the blond's chin, and lightly adjusted his tie. They stood there like that for a while, Yamaguchi's cheeks getting red and red every second, until the disturbing persistence of doorbell invaded the living room.
"Oh, it's time I get going." Yamaguchi rushed to door handle while trying to put on his shoes. "Did you order something Tsu- oh."
The man on the other side of the door was not exactly a deliveryman.
"Doorbell was about to break - Oh ho Yama lookin' so sharp!" Kuroo chirped, helping himself inside.
"Hi Kuroo," Yamaguchi managed a greeting with a suprise. Even though he was doing alright getting used the idea of Kuroo, now that his smugly pretty face was inches away, he couldn't stop his anger and sorrow growing in his stomach.
"You're early," Tsukishima interrupted, face scarier than ever.
"Hello to you to Tsukki." Kuroo winked at Tsukishima. "You're lovely as always."
"I told you not to come until -"
"Umm, I better go." Yamaguchi interupted, passing right to Kuroo. "Have fun!"
"We will!" Kuroo waved back happily and earned a smack on his head. "Arghh - that hurt Tsukki!"
"See you Tsukki," Yamaguchi said averting his eyes.
"See you," Tsukishima murmured, still tense. "Do your best!"
It was not a good day at all, Yamaguchi screamed glumly as he ran out of the apartment. Walking down on the street, the world seemed lacking something very important. Like its color.
It was the worst. No, perhaps only a four on a scale of ten. Because he could imagine the worst of the worst. Everything was almost perfect until that guy showed up. Almost. His dream of pretending. His getting used to it.
He slapped his cheecks. And recited.
Forget that everything was a deception. Start again. Dream once more.