Emily and William
by Trycee
SCULLY:
Tears streamed down Scully's face as she stared at the picture of her daughter Emily. After being told by several doctors she would never have children, she still imagined what a child of hers would look like. Staring back at her from a semi-gloss photo was that child, a photo taken as evidence from Emily's adoptive mother's murder case a few years before. She had kept the photo placing it in a photo album she hid in her desk in her office pulling it out occasionally, studying the face of the child, her child, she had known so briefly. Was she starting to forget what she looked like? She held the photo tightly, feeling it as if she were touching Emily's young face. The tears streamed down and she did not wipe them away. She took the photo and put it next to another photo, the photo of their son William, their miracle child. How much they looked alike, Emily and William, she thought, how broad both their faces were, the same blue eyes, just like hers, they looked so much like her. She rubbed her fingers over Williams photo as well, her tears streaming harder. Her stomach tightened as she looked at the photos of her children, the children she had lost in different ways.
She wanted so much to have Mulder hold her at that moment but she knew she couldn't tell him, she couldn't express to him how she felt when she was like this. She had begun having these cry sessions more often lately. Mulder wouldn't understand this, she knew. He'd try to protect her and thats not what she wanted. She wanted to just feel her emotions, cry it all out and put on a brave face. Mulder could never understand how she felt about Emily, her biological daughter she had learned about by accident, the child she loved with her heart more than her hands. None of her medical training could save Emily and she had pushed her feelings of loss far down within her, not even Mulder knew how much her death had affected her. She always dealt with her losses by working, when her father died, when Melissa died and when Emily died. She still saw Emily on occasion in visions. She'd turn around and Emily was there touching her hand. She knew she could share her visions with Mulder he'd still not understand because he was not connected to her like she was...she was her mother.
She looked at William's photo and smiled. This was the child she had miraculously given birth too, the child she wanted so desperately, a product of the love between her and Mulder and a tinge of guilt welled up within her. She had held her son, fought for her son, loved her son so much waiting for the time Mulder could see them again and they could be a complete family but that wasn't meant to be. The guilt she felt overwhelmed her at times but she knew her decision to give him a chance at a normal life was the right one, to know no fear, to be protected in a way she and Mulder couldn't give. She had often had pangs of guilt because if she had held on just a little longer, Mulder would've been there to protect them. She shook her head, no, he was imprisoned and she couldn't run with him and William. William was just a baby...And she couldn't stop them from trying to kill William. She had given him up to protect him but not before Mulder could see him again, not before they could make the decisions together and that always pained her. She knew Mulder forgave her, that he held no resentment towards her for giving up their son to protect him but that didn't stop the guilt she felt still. Mulder loved her and she loved him and she just tried to push that pain down deep, hide it away, compartmentalize it.
Scully jumped at the knock at the door. "Scully, whats for lunch?", she heard Mulder's voice filter through the door. "Hold on, Mulder, just a second," she tried steadying her voice."I'll be out in a second." She knew he still stood there, listening, so she wiped her tears, closed up the photo album and put it back into her desk.
MULDER:
She was crying again, he could hear her behind the door. His face tightened as he listened. "Its not your fault", he said to himself. "Scully, its mine...", he whispered. Mulder knew she cried over them...Emily and William. He could see it in her eyes every time she saw a teenage girl with a wide face, blond hair and blue eyes. He'd heard her whisper the name Emily under her breathe, as she stared at the girl whether at church or wherever they were. Scully's loss for Emily was deep, something he couldn't change but the loss of their son William was one he could, or at least he could try. Every time she saw a boy with dark hair and blue eyes, he saw it in her eyes. It was a different pain then that of Emily's. There was hope behind the pain because William was alive, William could be found and thats what he wanted to do, find their son for her and himself. It had hurt him more than she knew that he was unable to say goodbye to his son but it was not her fault and he knew she blamed herself. It was his fault, it was his decision to hide out against the Super Soldiers. He had left his family vulnerable, leaving her to fight against them alone, to make that decision alone. Her decision had caused division within her family. Her mother barely spoke to her now, her brother Charles could not understand and her brother Bill had blamed him...it was all his fault.
He had files he hid from her, birth certificate records, adoption info from when he was alone in his office pouring over his laptop trying to find William. He no longer had the Lone Gunmen to help him so his search was deadening. He had no idea how to find him but he was determined that he would. He had to take the pain away, that pain that lived in her eyes, those eyes that he saw every time he looked into the photo of his son he had stashed away in his office. He had only been with William a few days before going into hiding. He thought then that he was protecting them but he knew now that he was wrong. The Super Soldiers and the other conspirators had tried smothering their son in his bed, they had kidnapped their son, knocking out Scully and her mother, and he had not been there to protect them...wasn't that his job? To protect them? All those years of chasing after the truth and yet he had left his son and his Scully vulnerable to forces stronger than her, stronger than himself. How could he have done that? He too found himself searching the faces of children in crowds, searching for a face that looked like his...would he have dark hair like himself or red hair like Scully? Would he be tall like himself, would he recognize the child when he saw him, would he see her face staring back at him when he did find him? Would William ever know the sacrifice his mother made for him? All the years that he had vowed to himself to protect her and he had failed in the end...he tried so hard to hide his feelings from her. He couldn't let her know that he was weak, he put on a brave face but every time he looked at her, he tried to show her that he was sorry for leaving her, sorry for making her decide that on her own, sorry for not protecting her when it meant the most and that he would make it up to her, he had to make it up too her. He loved her more than life itself and he knew she had sacrificed more than he ever did. He wasn't a perfect man, he knew she knew that and yet she still loved him...how could she still love him, he wondered? How did she still look at him like he was the most important man in the world? He knew why he looked at her that way, he knew why he could never look at her in any other way...she was his partner, his lover, the mother of his only child, his entire life...he tried telling her everyday.
Lunch:
The door opened and he kissed her in her eyes, feeling the moistness of her tears. "Scully, I love you, you know that don't you?"
She patted his bare chest and then rested her head to it. She could feel his heart beating and she wanted to burst again into tears but she held them back. She couldn't speak yet, not yet...She reached up and kissed his chin, she wasn't wearing her hills, so she could only reach his chin. He tried holding her longer but she moved away from him heading towards the kitchen. "What are you in the mood for, Mulder?", she managed to say.
He could hear the quiver in her voice. "Scully, if you want, we could go out to eat or order something?"
"Ha, " she huffed. "Mulder, you know you need to eat healthier. "
He walked up behind her, grasping her by the waist. "Dr. Scully, I'm just as healthy as the day you met me."
She swung around and then touched his slightly protruding belly. "I don't think so Mulder, " she smiled. He welcomed that smiled and kissed her, grabbing her tightly. She held on and kissed him back, "I love you too...", she whispered. "I'm fine, Mulder."
He had heard her say that thousands, millions of time. He knew that was code word for, 'don't worry about me'. He looked her in the eyes, "You know if you need me I'm here."
"I know, " she said looking up at him, her fluffy slippers mingling with his bare feet. They were still dressed in their pajamas. It was her day off and they had slept in before going off to their own offices inside their home. "So what will it be?", she asked trying to change the subject.
"I'll take a couple of burgers, a bucket of fries, and about three shakes, " he said, touching his belly.
She laughed at his self-consciousness. "Two salads coming up!"
Mulder grimaced. "Can you at least put some bacon in it? We're humans, Scully."
"Some of us, " she smirked. He sat down at the table, looking her over. "Some are prettier humans than others..."
"You trying to sweet talk me, Mulder?", she said, pulling out lettuce and other salad fixings.
"Absolutely, " he said, again looking her over.
"Mulder...", she said, shaking her head, as she placed a large salad in front of him. "Not now, you know my mother is stopping by today."
He was surprised by that, he knew she barely visited though Scully wanted her too. They had been so close before she had given up William and now they saw each other on occasion. "When did this happen?"
She noticed the surprise in his voice. "She called me the other day, I told you last night in bed."
He stuffed a large forkful of salad into his mouth, grimacing at the taste of yet another salad. "I don't remember that."
"I'm not surprised. You have selective memory."
"I have photographic memory, Scully."
She sat down next to him and gave him a stern look. He picked up his fork and began to eat more of his salad. "You have a photographic memory Mulder when its about aliens or some strange phenomenon. You do NOT have a photographic memory when it comes to grocery lists, toilet seats, my birthdays or visits from my family."
Mulder stood up and went over to the fridge, pulling out a pitcher of cold ice tea. He grabbed two cups from the cabinet and returned to the table. He poured her a glass and filled his own. He looked over to her as she twirled her fork in her salad. "Are you worried about your mother?"
She turned to face him. "I'm certainly worried about her visit, I never thought I would be, but..."
"Tell me again what she said to you when you had to give up...William. " He said the name carefully, watching her as she winced. He slid his hand into hers. "Its okay to say his name..."
"I know, " she said, pushing the salad away from her. "She was very upset with me Mulder. She said she had never been disappointed in me before but that she could not go along with giving him up. She told me to move away... she said to worry about William and not you. She thought I was choosing you over William..."
He placed his hand on her shoulder. "Do you really believe that?"
"No, I don't...its just that she was angry. I know she was angry because she couldn't look at me. She has no idea what that decision has done to me. "
Mulder lowered his eyes. Scully turned to him and kissed him on the forehead. "Mulder I don't blame you, you know that don't you?"
Mulder gulped down his tears and looked off towards the wall. "The last time she came here she stayed all but a minute, " Scully continued. "We're far away in the countryside, it took her two hours to get here Mulder and she stayed just a few minutes. I'm scared she's gonna do that again. I'm scared she will never forgive me."
"Scully, you had to do what you did. They would've killed him. They kept trying to kill him. They hurt you and your mom. What else could you have done?"
Scully got up from the table and took her bowl to the sink. She caught a glimpse of herself in the glass cabinets. She wasn't that young woman any more...a few lines creased her face now, she was older but still felt like a child needing her mother's approval. "There was nothing I could've done Mulder. That still doesn't take the pain away."
The Visit:
Scully stared out the window, waiting for her mother's car to come up the long windy driveway. Mulder had opened the gate so there were no barriers between the road and their home, so she waited, nervously, her sweaty hands smoothing down her skirt. She checked herself in the mirror several times, she straightened Mulder's collar a few more, and ran the vacuum over the floor for the umpteenth time. Mulder was calmer, he smiled as he saw her grab for the vacuum again. He pulled it out of her hand and sat her down on the couch. "You need a drink, Scully?"
"A drink?", she said her voice a little higher than she expected.
"To calm your nerves."
She looked once more through the window and saw nothing. "What if she doesn't come?'
Mulder got up and poured a shot of his vodka, he had stashed behind a few books. He handed it to her and she drank it quickly, gagging at the taste. He then handed her a few mints. He turned quickly at the sound of a car coming up the driveway. Horrified, Scully ran into the bedroom, quickly gargling with mouthwash. She came out in time for her mother to walk up the steps. Mulder hugged Maggie and showed her in.
"Mom", Scully said, her arms outstretched for her mother.
Maggie quickly grabbed her daughter and held her tightly. "Dana I missed you. Please forgive me..."
They held each other for some time before letting one another go. "Sit down, " Scully said, tears welling up in her eyes as she motioned for her mother to sit on the couch.
"Can I get you something to drink?", Mulder offered.
"No, no...I'm fine, " Maggie smiled. Scully noticed then that her mother was thinner, her dark auburn hair was more gray, and her face though barely wrinkled had more worry lines drawn in it. She cupped her daughter's hand. Scully was taken aback by the feel of her mother's paper thin hands. She gripped them tightly, tears streaming down her face.
"Well, its been some time since I saw the two of you, " Maggie said, her face red and tearful as well.
Mulder sat down next to Scully, she moved closer to him, so that her head rested against his shoulder. "Mom, I'm so glad you came. I really missed you."
"I missed you too Dana, " her mother said, grabbing her daughter closer to her, kissing her on her forehead. "I missed you too Fox."
"Me too, Mrs. Scully", he said, gripping Mrs. Scully's hand.
"You live a long way...I've lived in this area a long time and never came this deep into Virginia."
"Not since the last time you visited, " Scully said in a whisper.
"You moved so far away..." Mrs. Scully repeated.
"We had to go into hiding, mom. Mulder was wanted by the F.B. I. You remember I told you."
Maggie gripped her daughters hand tighter. "I do. He's not wanted anymore right?"
"No, they dropped the charges against me, " Mulder answered.
"So you don't have to live so far away now?"
Scully turned towards Mulder and they both looked embarrassed. "Well, we like it out here", Mulder answered. "I always wanted to live out in the middle of no where, " he joked.
"You still work at the hospital, Dana?"
"Yes, I still do, Mom."
"Fox, what do you do now?"
Mulder blushed and shifted, Scully leaned up as he shifted in his seat. "Well, I...well, I..."
"He's retired, " Scully answered quickly. "He's an old man now, Mom," Scully smiled towards her mom. "Ha, ha, ha!," Mulder said meekly. Scully rested her hand on his leg and he calmed down.
"I wanted to see you Dana, " Mrs. Scully spoke and Dana sat up, she could tell her mother was more serious in her tone. "I wanted to let you know how sorry I was for all these years of not supporting your decision with...with William."
"Mom, you don't have to say anything..." Scully said sighing. Mulder knew it was exactly what she needed to hear.
"I do though. Dana I have always supported you no matter what, when you joined the F.B.I. Your father and I never really wanted that for you but it made you happy and so I supported you. When you and Fox fell in love with each other I supported that too."
Mulder shifted again and Scully's hand got heavier upon his leg.
" When you had William and Mulder was gone, I supported you, and when you needed me the most, I did not. I'm sorry Dana. I had no right."
"Mom," Scully said, hugging her mother. "You did support me."
"No, Dana I didn't. And I have to ask your forgiveness Fox. I resented you for years now."
Mulder's eyes became wide, and he looked from Scully to her mother. "I resented you a long time for leaving my daughter and the baby to go on your quest. I didn't understand, I confess I still don't, but I do understand that you could not have know what would happen while you were gone."
"I thought I was protecting them, " Mulder spoke, tears forming in the cracks of his eyes. Scully gripped his leg and he laid his head on her shoulder.
"I know that now, " Maggie spoke. "Please forgive me. I let too much time go between us. I cannot get into heaven without having asked your forgiveness."
Scully smiled at her mother. "Thank You mom for that, you don't know what that means to me."
Maggie jumped up suddenly and Scully thought for a second that she was going to leave but she watched as her mother entered into the kitchen. She followed behind her aware that Mulder hadn't joined them, he instead was sitting quietly on the couch. "What can I make?", Maggie asked.
Scully smiled widely. "I miss your cooking Mom."
"Good. I miss making it for you, " she said, looking through their cabinets and fridge. Scully laughed out loud. "I'm afraid theres not much food in the house, mom. I don't get a chance to get to the grocery store too often with my busy schedule at the hospital and Mulder usually comes back with magazines, " she said, shooting a glance in his direction. He still sat there staring off into the distance. "Excuse me mom, I'll be right back."
She walked over to Mulder and sat down next to him. Her long flowing strawberry blond hair hung in front of her face. Her hair had gotten lighter the older she got. "Mulder, please..."
"She's right, Scully, " he said interrupting. "Can you forgive me too?"
She nuzzled her forehead up against his. "If you can forgive me?"
Mulder leaned in to her and pressed his lips against hers. "Whats wrong with my magazines? They were on the list, " he smiled. "They certainly were not, " Scully grinned. She rose to go back into the kitchen but Mulder held her hand.
"I guess a trip to the grocery store is in order, " Maggie said, calling from the kitchen.
"I'll go with you," Scully said, looking back at Mulder. "You want anything?"
He let go of her hand. "Yeah, you..."