Escape Number One Hundred and Two

Note and Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own the storylines and characters of M*A*S*H, but the antics and Corporal Klinger are extremely amusing and some of them left to the imagination of the writers. Enjoy!

Colonel Potter had left me loose on a two-day pass to Tokyo and I can't tell you how grateful I am! Here I am at the airport, rubbing my hands together in joyous anticipation as my white wedding dress whispers, "Klinger, you're the ultimate mastermind!" Obviously, I'm using all of it to my means for another wonderful scheme that's sure to get me out of here or get me that Section Eight that I've wanted this whole time. And, who knows? Maybe, this time around, in a few days, I'll actually be at Packo's, eating a hot dog before long!

I'm tired of this damned war. I've dressed in women's clothes for the war so far, flew out of the camp in slippers, pretended that I was pregnant, dressed up like a nun, slept on top of the basketball pole in cold weather, tried blowing myself up, drenched myself with gasoline and even running around naked. I've tried everything to get out of the Army, but nothing seems to work. They love me!

Hey, Captain McIntyre told me to put on a slip the time I went naked, but I thought it a good idea to strip into my birthday suit in front of General Barker.

Well, they all called me tasteless, psycho and even an animal. But, you have to admit, I am a genius. Being on the streets of Toledo taught me a lot and conning the Army out of avoiding my draft notice has been the essence of my time in Korea. I have to prove to them that I'm too crazy to stay with them. I just have to!

My letters to Eisenhower (sent out last week without Radar detecting a thing) are written and should have been read by now. My plane ride should be here soon. All I have to do is grab on as it takes off and take that trip to Guam, San Francisco and then Toledo. And I don't even have to go onboard the plane or buy a ticket. I can take a hold of it and take the trip of a lifetime.

I don't need the things I left behind at the camp. The "Klinger Collection" can be my gift to the Army. I just need myself and the wedding dress I'm wearing.

I'm just not sure if President Eisenhower will accept my marriage proposal, though. He's still married to Mamie, I believe. And he won't leave that ugly woman for me. Naw, he would. One Lebanese woman for her would balance it out, I think.

Ah, the wind feels wonderful and freedom never tasted so good before. And, look! There's my ride coming now. The plane is about to take off to go to Guam. The distance between me and that bar I'm going to be holding onto is perfect. Everything's going to turn out fine as I jump up and escape this prison.

I just hope that nobody makes too much of a fuss about what's underneath this wedding dress.

Ready, set –

Oops, do I see some M.P.'s over the fence there? And they're coming towards me!

I gotta run now. Plan B of this runaway bride is about to be executed. Escape plan number one hundred and two is about to be uncovered.